Chit Chat

*Vent* on FIL

Yesterday I decided to call my FI's family to see how they were doing and wish them a Merry Christmas, as after all the relationship drama my FI and I have been through recently, I was not invited to their Christmas get-together. His aunt (who helped raise him when he was a kid) told me she was busy and would call me back. Well, today her husband returned my call, and ripped me a new a-hole. He just kept ranting about how pissed off he is over all this stuff, and had the gall to say "You made your bed, now you get to lay in it." I couldn't get a word in. I tried telling him that I realized I had a drinking problem and have been going to A.A., and the man yelled at me that "drinking is no excuse!!!"
Normally I get along great with my FI's uncle, and the fact that he felt the need to call me back and scream at me like I am a child when I was merely trying to wish them a happy holiday really, really upset me. One, what occured between me and my FI is NONE  OF THEIR BUSINESS. The financial aspects, emotional aspects, etc.- ARE NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. IT DOES NOT CONCERN THEM. My FI and I are... well, we're still together. He knows I love him and am trying to get my sh*t together, and I know he loves me. The fact that I was not invited to the family Christmas was a huge slap in the face. As if I haven't been put through enough already, now they are kicking me out of their family- even though my FI and I are still together!!
I just feel like they are adding more bullshit on top of the bullshit I'm already dealing with. I don't really care if this ordeal stressed his aunt out. I'm sure it's stressed US out more than her!! She's not the one living through it. It's not like my parents are calling him up screaming at him. I just feel like... well, what the f**k?? I can understand they're concerned about their nephews welfare, but it seems like they are more concerned over the fact that he'll have a charge on his record which "won't look good for getting jobs" than anything else. This isn't the first time this uncle has chewed me out over this crap, either- he and his wife have both already yelled at me over calling the cops last week, at the time that it happened. They never once even asked if I was ok, or anything. I also know that about 11 years ago these same people had my FI arrested for being under the influence, so I don't know why it's so horrible that I called the police during a goddamn fight. I feel like his entire family have shifted the blame on me, even though  I didn't press charges.
I feel like I'm losing so much. I got along great with FI's family, but now it appears that they hate me. Even if my FI and I DO work this crap out (we've talked about couple's counseling and for the time being we are being civil to one another), now things are going to be weird with his family. I do not think I will ever be comfortable with them again, not after what has been said. I don't know how to deal with his family now. I don't know if I can deal with his family now. Their attitude is not making anything easier.
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Re: *Vent* on FIL

  • Perhaps you need to take a step back and let some healing happen. Perhaps you didn't press charges, but in the state i live in there only has to obvious signs of assault for an arrest to be made. Or direct threats of harm. You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences.
  • Idk....it sounds like you just have too much going on with yourself that maybe you and your FI might benefit from taking a step back from each other and focusing on your own needs.  It doesnt really sound like either one of you are ready to commit to each other and that you both have some things you need to work out on your own.  And family is a huge part of getting married, IMO.  I mean, it sounds like even if you were married at this point, you still wouldnt be invited to dinner, and is that what you want?  I know i couldnt deal with that!  And what is they still hold a grudge 5, 10 years from now...when kids could be in the picture?  And what did you FI say to your no-invite?  Will he still be joining them for dinner?  Does he support their decision or did he stand up and defend you against them?  I can tell you if my FI let his family treat me that way, regardless of the situation, that would be my clue to walk away.....
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Right now I would be focusing on myself not his aunt and uncle, even if it meant taking many steps back and giving the relationship a wide berth.  Your getting into recovery, at this point, is what is important.  Seriously, all your emotions need to be going into this.
  • http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-of-support

    This thread was you last week right?? Did you read anything that anyone told you about getting out of this relationship. Your FI put his hands on you. He physically harmed you and you want to be ok with that? I can't believe you are even trying to be civil with his family. Please go back and read everything that was told to you in the previous thread. I don't have any other advice than what was already given to you last week.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:192bd19b-071e-4c48-a756-d5de8d7af19c">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Perhaps you need to take a step back and let some healing happen. Perhaps you didn't press charges, but in the state i live in there only has to obvious signs of assault for an arrest to be made. Or direct threats of harm. You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences.
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

    Please read the thread in my PP. There were signs of physical harm. He choked her and left scratch marks on her neck. That's why the cops arrested him even though she didn't press charges.
    image
  • Flapper, it's understandable that you would be upset about this but you have to look at this from their point of view too. Not only that, but getting upset over their actions will not be useful to you. You cannot control what other people do or feel, you can only control yourself.

    The whole situation is a lot to deal with and I think you need to let this go and focus on yourself. I'm not sure how your realtionship with your FI is going to work out but in giving you the benefit of the doubt on that - if you both get yourselves together and end up having a healthy relationship, then I'm sure his family will come around again. And maybe they won't. However, that's something you have to accept.

    Going to AA is a great first step along with the fact that you've recognized you have a problem with alcohol. But this is nowhere near over. It's going to be something you deal with for the rest of your life.

    Don't worry about trying to wish people a Happy Holiday regardless of whether you've gotten along with them in the past. From their point of view it probably comes off as trying to cause more drama and shiit-stir even thought that's not your intention. Let it go and take care of YOURSELF.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:192bd19b-071e-4c48-a756-d5de8d7af19c">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences.
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]
     Please do not listen to that, as he put his hands on you so you had every right to call the police, therefore it is his consequence...not yours.<div>
    </div><div>Secondly, you do not know what he told his family so you trying to explain the situation to them is only going to make him more angry. They are his family, so no matter what choices he makes, they will stand by him. All they probably know is that you guys got into an argument and you called the police because he tried to leave. I would let it go, as hurtful as it may be and look to the people who are supportive of what you are going through right now, because that will aid in keeping your sobriety.</div><div>
    </div><div>Take the holidays to take care of yourself...Surround yourself with people that care about and support you at this time because you need that most. You cannot change other people or their opinions, you can only work on yourself. Please give that gift to yourself and things will fall into place, whether things work out between yourself and your FI, or you realize that he is not the one. </div>
    BFP #1 1/1/11 EDD 9/10/11 dx:no hb DNC on 2/2/11 BFP #2 12/28/11 natural m/c on 2/6/12 BFP#3 2/16/13 dx:ectopic on 2/27 (given methotrexate)
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  • edited December 2010
    I'll be honest. I don't understand why you're still with this guy. It seems you only took the advice you wanted to hear from your last post (going to AA, which I do commend you for) and ignored the rest. And I certainly don't understand why you're deluding yourself into believing things will get better. You need to focus on you and your best interests, not his family.

    But in that regard, they have every right to feel the way they do. Clearly your relationship is not healthy for you or your FI, and it doesn't surprise me that his family has a problem with that. By no means am I on his side, I think he deserved to go to jail for choking/scratching/harming you, but of course they are going to be concerned about the situation. Are you really that surprised?

    I'm sorry if this came off harsh, I just hate to see someone in your situation. I hope you continue to get the help you need and wish you the best of luck. Also, ignore the person who said you brought it on yourself. You are not to blame, your FI is.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:192bd19b-071e-4c48-a756-d5de8d7af19c">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Perhaps you need to take a step back and let some healing happen. Perhaps you didn't press charges, but in the state i live in there only has to obvious signs of assault for an arrest to be made. Or direct threats of harm. <strong>You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences.</strong>
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

    This is a completely ridiculous thing to say. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship or witnessed one? I would guess not.
  • I'm with Seshat - I don't understand why you're staying.

    He scared you enough and hurt you enough to call the police, and somehow - that makes YOU the bitch?  Fuuck that.  He and his family are nutjobs and I really don't see you ever being happy in this situation.  You're flailing to fix something that cannot be fixed. 

    I truly and sincerely implore you to leave and not look back.
    panther
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:192bd19b-071e-4c48-a756-d5de8d7af19c">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Perhaps you need to take a step back and let some healing happen. Perhaps you didn't press charges, but in the state i live in there only has to obvious signs of assault for an arrest to be made. Or direct threats of harm. You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences.
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

    Don't you dare blame a victim of abuse.  That's a really low thing to do.
    panther
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:192bd19b-071e-4c48-a756-d5de8d7af19c">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Perhaps you need to take a step back and let some healing happen. Perhaps you didn't press charges, but in the state i live in there only has to obvious signs of assault for an arrest to be made. Or direct threats of harm. You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences.
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

    I'm going to go right ahead and hope that you have no idea what her previous posts have been about.  Otherwise, holy hell, that's a terrible, awful thing to say and you should be incredibly ashamed of yourself.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • Advice: Ignore them. They DO NOT know the whole story and when it comes to flesh and blood YOU are the bad guy in their eyes (crazy I know since he was the one that physically hit you). The only thing I'm surprised about is your FI, if he has ANY love for you he should be only the phone with his aunt and uncle and telling them that their behavior is unacceptable and that he will not be going to their house (even after all the crap you two been through lately). If he can't defend you to HIS family then he probably never will and you need to take that into account when thinking about staying with this guy. He is MAKING you look like the bad guy because he is not owning up to his actions and telling the truth to his family that it was HIS fault and that they have no right in blaming you for him being arrested.

    So yeah, best of luck to you. I hope the you get couple's counseling VERY soon because you two definitely need it, so that you can either make up and get a healthy relationship back (because you do not have one now) or realize that you two are just not right for one another and make a split.
  • He's probably lying to his family about what really happened.  They are probably so mad at you because he made up a story to make it look like you are the bad guy.  The same way he's making you feel like this is your fault.  

    If he is telling the truth, and the family is rallying around this abuser, well, that's just disgusting.

    You need to get away from this guy.  He IS an abuser, and he IS bad for you.  This is never going to be a healthy relationship.  The sooner you realize that, the better.  
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2010
    I really hate to break it to you, but I'm really not shocked by this. You may not think this is anybody else's business, but you don't get to make that decision. If his family wants to cut you out over what happened, they're allowed to.

    I was in an abusive relationship (You're currently in one, whether you want to believe that or not). Both my family and my ex's family knew what was going on, and knew that it was my ex's fault. His family loved me ... but at the end of the day, I wasn't the person that lived with them, I wasn't the one that they were going to see at Christmas every year if we broke up, I wasn't the one that was actually their family. Even with them knowing he was no good for me, and that it was literally the only way to get him away from me, they still got mad at me when I filed for a restraining order against him.

    At this point, his family knows that you two are toxic together ... they can choose to do whatever they want with this knowledge-and if that means "taking his side" and being mad at you, then you really don't get much of a choice on the matter. I'm not saying that this is all your fault, and that your FI shouldn't have been arrested, but these people are allowed to feel however they want, and be involved however they want.  Just know now that trying to continue your relationship with your FI is going to be that much more difficult at this point.

    To be honest, I'm not judging you for choosing to stay (I went back to my ex several times before I was finally ready to leave him for good), but you really should re-consider trying to give this another shot. I maintain what I told you in the last thread "Get out. Get help". Best wishes.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:192bd19b-071e-4c48-a756-d5de8d7af19c">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Perhaps you need to take a step back and let some healing happen. Perhaps you didn't press charges, but in the state i live in there only has to obvious signs of assault for an arrest to be made. Or direct threats of harm. You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences.
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]


    The guy <strong>choked</strong> her and drew blood with his nails.  Pretty sure that's a good reason to call the cops and have him arrested.

    Maybe you shouldn't open your insensitive mouth if you have no fucking clue what you're talking about.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:c7d096e8-9027-4402-8252-ca43089eda31">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Advice: Ignore them. They DO NOT know the whole story and when it comes to flesh and blood YOU are the bad guy in their eyes (crazy I know since he was the one that physically hit you). <strong>The only thing I'm surprised about is your FI, if he has ANY love for you he should be only the phone with his aunt and uncle and telling them that their behavior is unacceptable and that he will not be going to their house (even after all the crap you two been through lately). If he can't defend you to HIS family then he probably never will and you need to take that into account when thinking about staying with this guy. He is MAKING you look like the bad guy because he is not owning up to his actions and telling the truth to his family that it was HIS fault and that they have no right in blaming you for him being arrested.</strong> So yeah, best of luck to you. I hope the you get couple's counseling VERY soon because you two definitely need it, so that you can either make up and get a healthy relationship back (because you do not have one now) or realize that you two are just not right for one another and make a split.
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    Great point. OP, you do see that that's an issue, no? Someone who loves you is not going to let his family blame you for something that is NOT your fault. Someone who loves you and is planning on being your HUSBAND is supposed to support you through good times and bad.

    He put his hands on you. Not only did he blame you for him choking you, he blamed you for calling the cops on him. Now he's continuing to blame you and letting his family do the same.

    I do not know your FI, but he sounds like a selfish person who does NOT love you. This is not what love is.
  • I think I have heard somewhere that it takes a person on average 7 times to leave before permanently leaving (I might have heard that here or TN - anyone?). Sadly some of those people don't make it that many times before their abuser seriously harms them or even worse kills them.

    If your FI cannot admit that he was wrong and can only see that he was arrested because you called the cops, and not that he was arrested because he put his hands on you, then it's time to drop him. I don't believe for a second that a bunch of internet strangers can make you change your mind about him, but please find a loved one and friend to talk to.

    What does you family have to say about all of this? I don't think youve ever told us how your family feels about him putting his hands on you. They are the ones you should be concerned about what they think of you. His family will always defend him. They're his family.
    image
  • Don't try to make up with his family. They are not going to see this your way, because they are probably part of the problem.You were absolutely right to call the police. Your fi choked you and scratched your throat. They arrested him because they didn't want the next call to be about a dead girl.

    You need to make a plan. Call a domestic abuse hotline for information. Have all your keys, including your car keys duplicated and put them in a safe place with some money. Decide where you are going to go the next time things get out of hand. Also ask the police for a copy of the police report and save it at your parent's or a friend's house along with your valuables.

    And please attend some AA meetings. You need to fix yourself before you even think about marrying anyone.

    I hope you will listen to all those women who were frightened for you the night you posted your story.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:b9e0aaee-466b-4c40-a32d-38272bdecc84">*Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yesterday I decided to call my FI's family to see how they were doing and wish them a Merry Christmas, as after all the relationship drama my FI and I have been through recently, I was not invited to their Christmas get-together. His aunt (who helped raise him when he was a kid) told me she was busy and would call me back. Well, today her husband returned my call, and ripped me a new a-hole. He just kept ranting about how pissed off he is over all this stuff, and had the gall to say "You made your bed, now you get to lay in it." I couldn't get a word in. I tried telling him that I realized I had a drinking problem and have been going to A.A., and the man yelled at me that "drinking is no excuse!!!" Normally I get along great with my FI's uncle, and the fact that he felt the need to call me back and scream at me like I am a child when I was merely trying to wish them a happy holiday really, really upset me. One, what occured between me and my FI is NONE  OF THEIR BUSINESS . The financial aspects, emotional aspects, etc.- ARE NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. IT DOES NOT CONCERN THEM. My FI and I are... well, we're still together. He knows I love him and am trying to get my sh*t together, and I know he loves me. The fact that I was not invited to the family Christmas was a huge slap in the face. As if I haven't been put through enough already, now they are kicking me out of their family- even though my FI and I are still together!! I just feel like they are adding more bullshit on top of the bullshit I'm already dealing with. I don't really care if this ordeal stressed his aunt out. I'm sure it's stressed US out more than her!! She's not the one living through it. It's not like my parents are calling him up screaming at him. I just feel like... well, what the f**k?? I can understand they're concerned about their nephews welfare, but it seems like they are more concerned over the fact that he'll have a charge on his record which "won't look good for getting jobs" than anything else. This isn't the first time this uncle has chewed me out over this crap, either- he and his wife have both already yelled at me over calling the cops last week, at the time that it happened. They never once even asked if I was ok, or anything. I also know that about 11 years ago these same people had my FI arrested for being under the influence, so I don't know why it's so horrible that I called the police during a goddamn fight. I feel like his entire family have shifted the blame on me, even though  I didn't press charges. I feel like I'm losing so much. I got along great with FI's family, but now it appears that they hate me. Even if my FI and I DO work this crap out (we've talked about couple's counseling and for the time being we are being civil to one another), now things are going to be weird with his family. I do not think I will ever be comfortable with them again, not after what has been said. I don't know how to deal with his family now. I don't know if I can deal with his family now. Their attitude is not making anything easier.
    Posted by flapper2011[/QUOTE]

    <div>Please listen to the advice some of the women here have given you. Many are survivors of situations similar to yours and are speaking from their hearts. I promise when you are out of the relationship you have a clearer view of what's going on and you will be shocked at yourself. I know I was. You just can't see it now while your this deep in it.</div><div>
    </div><div>The fact that you are spilling your guts on Christmas eve on a message board is a huge sign that you need help and advice and support that we probably can't give you. I hope you surround yourself with <strong>your</strong> family and friends this season, <strong>I know</strong> you deserve better than to feel guilt for protecting yourself, guilt for your own feelings, guilt for miniscule things that don't even matter. Life is too short for guilt and hurt brought to you by those who 'love' you. You have a choice, choose your own happiness.</div><div>
    </div><div>Please be safe this holiday and skip time with his family. Please.</div>
    Photobucket
  • Havent read all the messages yet, and I will in a minute.  Stop looking for approval from your FI and his family.  You're not going to get it.  You did the right thing by calling the police.  Stay on the course you've charted for yourself, and don't sweat the small stuff, and this is small stuff compared to the challenges you face.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:192bd19b-071e-4c48-a756-d5de8d7af19c">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Perhaps you need to take a step back and let some healing happen. Perhaps you didn't press charges, but in the state i live in there only has to obvious signs of assault for an arrest to be made. Or direct threats of harm. You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences.
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

    And yeah, don't listen to this.  Ashes_03, there WERE direct sign of assault.  She called the police because he assaulted her, OK?
  • OP, please listen to pp's. I have been in your situation and worse before and I know it seems like he really does love you, but he obviously (to outsiders) does not. My ex used to abuse me and for the longest time I blamed myself. I tried to leave many times, but the fear kept me with him for 5 years. It took him putting me and our son in the hospital before I left for good. You may not be afraid of him, but its the likely path you are headed down. Abusers don't change - especially if they do not see where they are wrong.

    If he loved you and was sorry for what he had done, he would've set his uncle straight and would be trying to help himself at this point.

    PPs are also right that his family is going to take his side regardless. He is their family - just as your family may not always agree with what you do, but they will still back you. My ex's family knew how unhealthy our relationship was, but they blamed me for leaving (even after being put in the hospital). His brother finally told me that he blamed me because I was smart enough to know better to let it get to that point. I knew I should've left sooner, but I was scared. So please, from someone who has been there and seen where this leads, leave.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I doubt my FI has said much about any of this crap to his family, as he is a private person and doesn't like blabbing his personal business  to anyone. His aunt and uncle only know ANYTHING is going on because their number was the only one he could remember when he was in jail and he called them to bail him out- which they refused to do, as they said that was "my responsibility."
    His uncle was ranting about being pissed at BOTH of us. I just didn't appreciate being called right before Christmas and yelled at over it again. And I wonder if FI is going to get chewed out tomorrow at Christmas dinner. This man has no room to talk, as he is a heavy drinker and his relationship by his own admission is not perfect.
    FI and I are making progress. One step at a time... and I am continuing to go to the A.A. meetings. I have been sober now for 11 days. I'm also on Prozac and my doctor mentioned putting me on mood stabilizers once my body adjusts to the antidepressants... I have reasons to believe I am bipolar (I haven't been officially diagnosed yet but am going to see a psychologist as soon as I am able to) and while this is not an EXCUSE for my FI violent behavior, it certainly has caused me to act in ways which led to it. I am not proud of my actions and I am seeking help.
    I know full well that had I been sober that night, that situation would not have arised. But, what's done is done and we can't un-do it. The only thing we can do now is move ahead with proactive choices to try to achieve a healthy relationship.
    But I do think his family needs to butt the hell out. It seemed like his uncle was more angry that "he and his wife had been caused more stress" than anything else. His rant was just very, very selfish and uncalled for, especially right before Christmas. And I did not appreciate that "you made your bed, now you get to lay in it" remark.
    Anyway, I'm trying not to dwell on it. I posted my rant right after it happened. Thank you all for listening, for offering your advice, and most of all, for caring.
  • Flapper - you seem to keep ignoring what many of us are saying though. I know you may not be "dwelling" on it but at the same time realize that what his family says is what it is. There's nothing you can do about it now.

    Congrats on your sobriety. 11 days may not seem like a long time to some, but for someone who has drinking issues it's a big deal. I hope you continue to make progress and continue to monitor what may be bipolar disorder.

    I want nothing more than for your relationship to work out and become a healthy one. However, please acknowledge (for yourself) that it will be difficult and that if something even remotely close to what happened before - happens again, you NEED to get out fo that relationship. I am sure you love him but love is NOT always enough. Not in a situation like that.

    Have a Merry Christmas and take care of yourself.
  • obviously my reply was not well received. I'm not trying to blame her in any way for the situation. I work in law enforcement. When i made my earlier post i didn't elaborate enough, i guess i spoke as if i was talking to my coworkers who deal with this dailey.Flapper2011 made a bolded statement of she didn't file charges, I was trying to explain why law enforcement would have to be the ones to file the charges. It was for her protection. I fully understand that the victims, usually out of fear or misguided love won't make the decision to protect themselves. That is why the police have to do it. And it is good that she did call the police, that was the first step in her healing and taking care of herself. The consequences are the fact that his family blames her. That is not bad consequences if it makes everyone aware of the situation and they can all start to make steps in handling the situation. More than likely his family blames her because it is easier to point a finger at someone and say they did it rather than looking at yourself and saying i'm the guilty person here.
    Flapper2011 you have taken the first of many first steps here. Keep the ball rolling in a good and positive way. Put yourself first. Don't worry about what he or his family think of you. Take care of yourself and yourself only for a while. Never sell yourself short.
    To all the other ladies on here i apologize, i hope i have explained my remarks better.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:176571f4-2576-4cd5-a1d2-fa25a1298d49">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I doubt my FI has said much about any of this crap to his family, as he is a private person and doesn't like blabbing his personal business  to anyone. His aunt and uncle only know ANYTHING is going on because their number was the only one he could remember when he was in jail and he called them to bail him out- which they refused to do, as they said that was "my responsibility." His uncle was ranting about being pissed at BOTH of us. I just didn't appreciate being called right before Christmas and yelled at over it again. And I wonder if FI is going to get chewed out tomorrow at Christmas dinner. This man has no room to talk, as he is a heavy drinker and his relationship by his own admission is not perfect. FI and I are making progress. One step at a time... and I am continuing to go to the A.A. meetings. I have been sober now for 11 days. I'm also on Prozac and my doctor mentioned putting me on mood stabilizers once my body adjusts to the antidepressants... I have reasons to believe I am bipolar (I haven't been officially diagnosed yet but am going to see a psychologist as soon as I am able to) and while this is not an EXCUSE for my FI violent behavior, it certainly has caused me to act in ways which led to it. I am not proud of my actions and I am seeking help. I know full well that had I been sober that night, that situation would not have arised. But, what's done is done and we can't un-do it. The only thing we can do now is move ahead with proactive choices to try to achieve a healthy relationship. But I do think his family needs to butt the hell out. It seemed like his uncle was more angry that "he and his wife had been caused more stress" than anything else. His rant was just very, very selfish and uncalled for, especially right before Christmas. And I did not appreciate that "you made your bed, now you get to lay in it" remark. Anyway, I'm trying not to dwell on it. I posted my rant right after it happened. Thank you all for listening, for offering your advice, and most of all, for caring.
    Posted by flapper2011[/QUOTE]


    You are still blaming yourself for his actions. Is he under the age to make a responsible adult decision? Did you threaten his life in anyway? Does he have DID (dissociative identity disorder)? If the answers are all no's, then he is to blame FULLY. Stop blaming yourself. If you are on Prozac and show signs of bipolar disorder, he should be well aware of these things since he is your FI. These are not disorders that pop up overnight.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • If I'm understanding this correctly, your FI strangled you and scratched you during a fight a while back, and you called the cops, but if was your fault because you were drunk?  The only way I can see this being in any way your fault is if you are really strong, he is really small, and you were attacking him to the point where he had to defend himself.  Somehow, I doubt that's the case. 

    The emotional and psychological impact of an abusive relationship are huge and can take years to worth through. I'm really glad you are seeking help.  You say that you are going to AA and in therapy, but what is your FI doing?  Is he in AA or seeing someone as well?  Even in a non-abusive relationship, people fall into roles and patterns that can be really difficult to change.  I hope that you can eventually see that nobody deserves to be treated this way in any situation, no matter what.  
    Learning to live and work from home: My blog
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:db55836f-c35e-45d7-be6c-c0d3bd02b5c0">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]obviously my reply was not well received. I'm not trying to blame her in any way for the situation. I work in law enforcement. When i made my earlier post i didn't elaborate enough, i guess i spoke as if i was talking to my coworkers who deal with this dailey.Flapper2011 made a bolded statement of she didn't file charges, I was trying to explain why law enforcement would have to be the ones to file the charges. It was for her protection. I fully understand that the victims, usually out of fear or misguided love won't make the decision to protect themselves. That is why the police have to do it. And it is good that she did call the police, that was the first step in her healing and taking care of herself. The consequences are the fact that his family blames her. That is not bad consequences if it makes everyone aware of the situation and they can all start to make steps in handling the situation. More than likely his family blames her because it is easier to point a finger at someone and say they did it rather than looking at yourself and saying i'm the guilty person here. Flapper2011 you have taken the first of many first steps here. Keep the ball rolling in a good and positive way. Put yourself first. Don't worry about what he or his family think of you. Take care of yourself and yourself only for a while. Never sell yourself short. To all the other ladies on here i apologize, i hope i have explained my remarks better.
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

    Yes, thanks for explaining that. I understand what you mean now. I'm sure you've run into your fair share of these incidents working in law enforcement.
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_vent-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ea68ad6-18fc-4a38-8b75-4050b6cfc92dPost:db55836f-c35e-45d7-be6c-c0d3bd02b5c0">Re: *Vent* on FIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]obviously my reply was not well received. I'm not trying to blame her in any way for the situation. I work in law enforcement. When i made my earlier post i didn't elaborate enough, i guess i spoke as if i was talking to my coworkers who deal with this dailey.Flapper2011 made a bolded statement of she didn't file charges, I was trying to explain why law enforcement would have to be the ones to file the charges. It was for her protection. I fully understand that the victims, usually out of fear or misguided love won't make the decision to protect themselves. That is why the police have to do it. And it is good that she did call the police, that was the first step in her healing and taking care of herself. The consequences are the fact that his family blames her. That is not bad consequences if it makes everyone aware of the situation and they can all start to make steps in handling the situation. More than likely his family blames her because it is easier to point a finger at someone and say they did it rather than looking at yourself and saying i'm the guilty person here. Flapper2011 you have taken the first of many first steps here. Keep the ball rolling in a good and positive way. Put yourself first. Don't worry about what he or his family think of you. Take care of yourself and yourself only for a while. Never sell yourself short. To all the other ladies on here i apologize, i hope i have explained my remarks better.
    Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

    Well, I could chalk up most of your first statement to this and let it go.

    But the fact that you said the words  "You made the choice to call the police into the situation so now you must deal with the consequences" still makes me want to punch you. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

    Regardless of your meaning, a victim who's already clearly having trouble with blaming herself for things that aren't her fault (and not blaming the people that actually are responsible) could easily interpret that as "Well, sweetie, if you didn't want him to be pissed off, you really shouldn't have called the police after he tried to kill you. Next time he chokes you, if you can't deal with everybody being mad about it, just suck it up and let it go".

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
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