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Not living together before marriage... anyone else???

My fiance and I are both 24. We've been dating since high school and we both went to a local college. We both still live at home with our parents and will not be living together until after the wedding. Is anyone else doing it this way??? People are always surprised when they find out that we don't live together, but I didn't think that we were doing anything abnormal. Please tell me that we are not alone!

PS. I don't want to offend anyone, I'm just realizing that living together is more common than I thought.
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Re: Not living together before marriage... anyone else???

  • I married in 2003, after not living together.. and then divorced early beginning of last year.  .. granted my engagement was less than yours.. we'd known each other almost 2 years by the time we married, BUT because of my experience-- a dramatic change in him almost immediately after marriage/living together that I'd never noticed signs of while engaged, because he did a good job of only showing his best foot forward with me, and then would go to his own place at night.. 

    I have started to favor the idea of living together before marriage, just because there are things you learn about a person that you can't know without living with the, or at least traveling with them and sharing space for a good month or so..  :P  And often those are the things that you'd later think "If I'd known that, I would have reconsidered the wedding.. or at least gone in more prepared."

    Currently, though, I have a 4 yr old son, and my BF (who we will eventually get married but for now it's conversations of "when we get married then..." ) has an 8 yr old..  so the idea of living together first is a little more complex, and we may not.  Though we almost do now.. I spend the blocks of days when we both don't have our kids with us, at his place.  This has taught me a lot about him, plus he is just more open than my ex ever was, , and it's noticible, so no amount of living together would have shown me all of what I needed to know about my ex. 

    Long story short:  I thin it's wise and gives you information that's not available any other way.  BUT I don't think you have to.  Just realize that if you don't, or you don't sleep at the same place and deal with your own "daily life" issues in each others' presence early on,  you may be asking for trouble when you finally do wed.
  • Nope, not me, sorry. FI and I got together in high school, went to college together. Lived in the dorms freshman year and then have been living together since then. And I love it. He's in the military so he leaves sometimes but I like being with him and seeing him every morning and every night. But that's not for everyone.

    We did live apart for awhile and it was a huge PITA because I would be over at his apartment late and too tired to drive home. So then I'd stay over but have to get up extra early to go home and shower and have clothes and things. The times we didn't live together just seemed inconvenient. But that was our way of doing things and either way is perfectly fine.
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    FI and I have been together 9 years and have had a long distance relationship for most.  In the past year, we have started living together, it has been only a couple of months and WOW!! After a very difficult adjustment period, we don't want to live apart anymore.  It just creates this new kind of intimacy with the other person and I know so many things about him that I did not know before living with him.  But Either/or works as long as you know to give yourself time to adjust to the other person. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-living-together-before-marriage-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7f6a18a7-1562-4394-a25c-cdb56b268dcaPost:bca90267-b7ee-4a36-af69-d9a90be6baf6">Re: Not living together before marriage... anyone else???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that moving in together, being intimate for the first time, and getting married are all giant steps in a relationship that can really bring up serious issues that might never have come up before.  So I tend to think that couples who do all three at once are going to face a lot more difficulties than couples who take those steps separately.  Not to say that you can't do it that way, but you need to be aware that you're going to have to learn to work together as lovers, roommates, and spouses all at once, and sometimes those roles can intersect in complicated ways.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this.  I have some friends that moved out of their parents' houses and in together when they got married.  The first year or two was really difficult for them.  Now they are doing ok, but they really didn't know if they were going to make it for a while there.  </div>
  • It used to be normal to NOT live together before marriage, which explains the whole giving the bride away. I don't think it's weird. I told FI I would not live with him until we were engaged or married and we moved in together 3 months after we got engaged.
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  • I agree that living with someone gives you information about them that you really have no other way of knowing, and living together is a big step in a relationships so it may make the marriage transition a bit rougher.  What always concerns me is when people have never lived by themselves or with non-related roommates before getting married.  I think living on your own teaches you SO much about yourself!  ANd living on your own is another huge step... But you didn't say you never lived alone so I'm not assuming this is the case with you.

    Really I think most people can make it work, I'm just glad we lived together for so long beforehand so I have one less transition to make in July!
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  • FI and I have been living together since August in our last year of college.  I think it's the best thing that could have happened for us.  We have learned how to manage our time, give each other their own space, but still have a great time together.  It's also been good for our budgeting and financing in the bill aspect.  Once we are done in May though, we will be moving out of our apartment and either in with my parents, or me with my parents and him with his brother until we can save up for a downpayment on a house.  It will be hard not being together after living together now.
  • 70% of couples live together before they get married (got this stat from The Nest) and the divorce rate is still dismal, I don't think the two are related at all for those who suggested maybe they were.

    You're not doing anything abnormal or weird.  We didn't live together but that doesn't mean we didn't spend some nights together.  We knew everything there was to know when we moved in together.
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  • While I do believe in living together before marriage, I have nothing bad to say about those who decide to wait until they are married.  I have chosen to live with each of my two (blech) ex-husbands for one reason or another...and while living with a person before marriage does show you what that person is like on a day-to-day basis, it may not always show their true colors.  I lived with my second ex for several months (not to mention spending every weekend that my daughter was with her dad with him for two years before that) and his true colors didn't actually show until we got married. If I had known he'd turn into an abusive alcoholic by being married to me (or so he says) then I wouldn't have moved myself and my daughter in with him. We now live with my FI and we have another child together.

    If living separately until marriage works for you, that's great...it wouldn't work for me, but to each their own, right?
  • My FI and I don't live together and will have been together 5 years when we get married. We also bought a house in November and people stare at me like I have three heads when I say he's living in it and I'm not yet :-P

    Different strokes for different folks. We've both lived with roommates for those 5 years so we understand aspects of being "on our own" but still having to be considerate, respectful, and how to live with non relatives.

    I'm sure it will be an adjustment, but it's one we absolutely expect. Also, our premarital counseling program requires counseling after we get married- to help us adjust, communicate, work through whatever we may need to.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-living-together-before-marriage-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7f6a18a7-1562-4394-a25c-cdb56b268dcaPost:e28a2749-1c35-44ac-aaf8-ef4990a443a5">Re: Not living together before marriage... anyone else???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that living with someone gives you information about them that you really have no other way of knowing, and living together is a big step in a relationships so it may make the marriage transition a bit rougher.  What always concerns me is when people have never lived by themselves or with non-related roommates before getting married.  I think living on your own teaches you SO much about yourself!  ANd living on your own is another huge step... But you didn't say you never lived alone so I'm not assuming this is the case with you. Really I think most people can make it work, I'm just glad we lived together for so long beforehand so I have one less transition to make in July!
    Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]

    This.  Exactly.
  • edited March 2010
    You're not alone.  A few years ago when FI and I were starting conversations like 'when we get married some day,' we both agreed that neither one of us wanted to live together.  We've since finished college and lived separately until after the wedding.  I'm not entirely sure why it was a big deal to either of us- just that we didn't want to.  I know it will be a huge adjustment, but we're both excited about it.  To each her own I say.

    Edit:  nefariousmango was way right about living alone though.  I would be more worried about it if neither one of us had ever lived away from parents' homes, just because I had friends that did that and it was a very rocky first year of marriage for them.
  • FI and I dont live together. He travels for work and when he's home stays with his parents. I bought our future house this past July (before we were engaged) and he will move in with me after the wedding.

    I heard somewhere that although the divorce rate is high in both circumstances, its actually higher for people who live together before marriage. I didnt look up the source on that, just heard it before.
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  • My fiancee and I are not living together before marriage either, so you're not alone! Anecdotal evidence aside, it's a pretty well-known fact that couples who move in after marriage divorce at much lower rates, so don't worry about being abnormal! I think you're doing what's best for your unique situation, which is what everyone ought to do, whether living together makes the most sense for you or not. 
  • FI and I are currently not living together. I still live with my parents and he has apartment given to him by the city as part his job (he is a police officer) It's not a "good" neighborhood which is why I am so hestitant to move in. However, I do plan to eventually move in. I think it gives you a better sense of what married life is going to be like, quirks and things you wouldnt normally see. FI and I have completely different work schedules though so most of the time, we will have the place to ourselves.
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  • Neither one of us has ever lived on our own. This will be the first time moving out for both of us. However, we currently live about 2 minutes from eachother and spend the majority of our time together. And I do spend the night at his house sometimes. We've also gone on vacations together, so I feel like we've spent enough time with eachother to know what to expect. I appreciate everyones advice! Thank you for all of your responses.
  • FI and I are waiting to live together until after marriage, as well.

    He bought a house in October, before we were engaged, so he lives in his house while I stay with my Dad until the wedding. Not living together before was important to us, so we decided to wait.

    That said, we are semi-LDR, so we spend the weekends together (and I often stay for a week or so when I visit him), so we know a lot about each other's habits and quirks. It works for us. I don't care if people want to live together before they're married are not.
  • We lived together for a while.  It just made sense logistically.  He lived an hour away from me, and we both worked where I lived, so naturally he wasn't going to drive 60 miles home every night.  Then my lease was up 4 months before our wedding, and I changed jobs and lost all of my PTO, so it was convenient to go ahead and move in with him, whereas it would have been costly and burdensome to extend my lease for a few months and move right before or after the wedding.

    I don't think there is a one size fits all answer for living together or not living together before marriage.  The first year of sharing space is going to be hard regardless of whether that's before or after the wedding.  And if you don't live with the parents or have the option of living with your parents, living apart when you know you're going to marry eventually can be an unncessary financial and logistical burden.  But I know plenty of couples who didn't live together until they were married, for whatever reason, and it has worked well for them. 

    The statistics surrounding living together before marriage are flawed.  I could go on and on, but it's long and I won't.  But no matter what statistics say, your marriage isn't doomed if you live together before saying "I do."
  • We didn't live together before marriage and it's worked okay for us.

    There are things we're both realizing about each other, but it's something we would have seen if we lived together before marriage.  No deal breakers, just habits.

    I like Heels' (<- is that punctuation right?) answer.  I just don't think it's the same answer for everyone.
  • We didn't live together before marriage either, and we still think that was the right decision for us.

    In my area, I know very few couples who live together before marriage.

    Yet, on TheKnot, there are many Knotties who DO live with their FIs, and many of them boast about it a lot.  Whatever. 
  • We aren't living together before we get married, either.  I've lived in dorms, with roommates, and on my own.  I've even lived with my parents after having lived on my own (oh, college).  I'm glad we aren't living together now, because it makes me look forward to creating and sharing our home even more.  I'm not worrying about silly things, like snoring, or cutting toenails in the kitchen (that would be gross!).  

    There's always an adjustment period when changing living situations, especially when living with another person, but I think it's a pretty self-centered person that thinks that being just married and just staring to live together could cause that big of a strain in the marriage.  I think the biggest challenge comes in living away from your parents' house, not in necessarily getting a "roommate." 
     
    I find it ironic when people say living together first is better.  How did all of those marriages in the "old days" ever last?  And I've heard, too, that couples who don't live together first tend to have lower divorce rates.  But numbers, shmumbers.  I guess we're all supposed to do what we want now, anyway, right?     
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  • Us too, Bec - I still don't live with my DH.  Two kids in high school, two in college, selling a house in the worst market in history . . . . our timing hasn't turned out the way we planned.  But to answer OP's question - no, we were not planning on living together until we married.  Both of us are uncomfortable with just living together.
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  • FI and I have been basically living together since the 6 month mark. That was almost 3 years ago. It was a natural progression and was not a big adjustment for either of us. It got to the point where neither one of us wanted me to leave his place to go back to my house, way outside of town. Its lonely out there! It probably helped that he had a female roommate in the past, and that my XBF was still living in my house. That being said, we have both lived on our own in the past. I didn't like it, but I did it.

    However, with my ex, we were LD for 3 years. Meanwhile, he was married to someone else and I had no idea until I moved to the town he lived in. He left her and moved in with me. I should have sent him packing, but I stayed for 3 more years, through the birth of their daughter. Living together didn't help our relationship at all, except that it helped me realize what a douche he was. On the upside, I am still close with his daughter.

    I know people who have done both methods. I know that living with FI made the most sense for me, emotionally and financially. It made no sense to maintain 2 households if we were always at only one of them. Also, we bought a house together before we were engaged. i thought the house was my engagement ring, so to speak. That contract is more binding than a diamond!!
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  • FI and I have lived together for almost 2 years (been together more than 3.5 years). Personally, I think it's foolish to wait until marriage to live with someone. In my opinion, no matter how long you've dated, you don't truly know your SO until he or she is living with you.

    Moving in together made us much closer, wouldn't have done it any other way.
  • I think there's not motivation to plan the wedding and spend the money when you're already living together.  We do not live together.  Although, we bought a house together and now live a block apart.  I live at my parents on the 300 block and he is staying at "our" house on the 400 block :o) I haven't stayed over once.  And I love the reactions I get when I tell people that.  I know his "living habits" and the quirks that bug me.. and we're going to be fine.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-living-together-before-marriage-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7f6a18a7-1562-4394-a25c-cdb56b268dcaPost:ebf61079-c47c-4184-ab0e-73318f2bc13b">Re: Not living together before marriage... anyone else???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think there's not motivation to plan the wedding and spend the money when you're already living together.  .
    Posted by krissydawn16[/QUOTE]

    I disagree. We have plenty of motivation, but we aren't rushing into anything just so we can play house. We want to have kids and I won't unitl I am married. We thought that buying a house was a better investment than buying a piece of jewelry or planning a party, and that maintaining 2 separate households did not make financial sense when we could combine and save the difference for the rest of our life together, not just the wedding. The wedding is only one day. We have created a financial basis together for the rest of our lives.

    If you live with your parents, then that's a different situation, as you are not paying any separate living expenses. FI and I had both lived on our own for over 10 years by the time we met. Our parents don't even live in the same state.
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  • Wow lots of input...well my experience..I have an EX-FI and we didn't live together but after we got engaged my  mom made a huge deal about how she won't pay for anything for a wedding unless we live together for 6 months at least.  I went and stayed with him for 2 months during my summer break (he lived in MO me in NC he was in the military) it was horrible..but aside from that we weren't right for each other and that was that...
    With FI things are different...I had graduated from college been working full time living with a roommate for 1 year.  He had moved to this city for a new job.  We pretty  much "lived" with each other spending night here and there.  It truly was aweful when we were at one house and was like Man I wish I had this but its at home! Once pets got involved like children that complicated everything and we needed to stay more with the pets or travel with them.  It was a waste of money either way that we were paying for 2 apts and only using 1 really.  So when my roomie announced he was moving out of town financially I needed a roommate.  I really couuldn't afforded a place by myself and had extra money for those tiny things like gas and food.  So FI and I decided that we should move in together and we are saving  money not paying 2 light bills 2 rents etc.  It was a great decision and we have learned so much about each other!!
    Everyone has their own path...it sounds like you are lucky enough to have a place to stay before you get married with your parents.  Its where you find yourself when you are engaged.  Don't feel bad just remember you will have so much to learn that first year what annoys you what you like etc.  Its a lot to take in.
  • My Fi and I wont even live in the same state before we get married! While I hate the LD thing we wouldnt live together before marriage, as well as not sleep together, for personal relligieous reasons, as well as to set a good example for his daughter. I have always wanted marriage to be a completely new experience, a whole new life, and while I understand there are inherant challenges that go with that, our focus leading up to the wedding is in uniting our focus and solidifying our love and commitment together, neither of us expects it to be easy and seamless 100% of the time lol I am glad however that we have both had plenty of time living on our own, taking care of ourselves and doing our own thing, I am very glad to have had that experience and think it will help me in marriage.
  • edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-living-together-before-marriage-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7f6a18a7-1562-4394-a25c-cdb56b268dcaPost:ffe64665-b5e0-42b2-8866-5fe21f8565dd">Re: Not living together before marriage... anyone else???</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not living together before marriage... anyone else??? : I get this same look! My FI is currently living in the house we bought together, and he too has been living there since November. I may be a traditionalist, but there is just something about making that special for marriage. Not only am I counting down the days I get to marry my best friend, but also when I get to move in to our house!
    Posted by socialworksarah[/QUOTE]

    We talked about me moving in to his apartment before the wedding, but I said that living together would make me feel like we're already married and nothing would change after the wedding. I'm looking forward to that change happening all at once.

    Maybe I just have an old fashioned, "taboo" feeling about it. I didn't realize that it had become so normal and accepted by society (again, not to offend anyone!). I guess it's because people are getting married when they are older now, so there aren't so many couples moving straight out of their parents house. I can understand the financial reasons for living together rather than supporting two separate households. And I know that pre-marital sex is not as taboo as it used to be, but I just feel like living together tells people that you're doing it, and I would feel embarrassed by that :)
  • I am, but only becuase we both own our homes. He will move in with me after the wedding because we will then start to tear his house down and rebuild a new home. Mine will then go on the market.
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