Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?

[Deleted User]

Well, I didn't really know where else to put this, so here it is.

My FH and I have been very stressed out lately because of wedding planning and other issues. One of our ideas on how to relieve the stress of the big day was to go ahead and get married now (about 5 weeks before the Wedding) so that in our minds we know that the wedding is just a party, not the 'big day'. We would keep this a secret from everyone we know, especially my father, until years down the road. We want to keep it a secret because everyone has been looking foreward to the wedding and we just want everyone to be happy. No one will know but us, and probably my boss (changing forms). It will be our little secret.

Our question is, is it legal for me to continue to go by my maiden name until the wedding? Of course I would have to change my tax information with my job and my information with my bank, but I would go by my maiden name in all other ways. Can I do this? Can I keep my ID with my maiden name until then? I run no risk of being pulled over by the police for speeding and having it run through because I can't drive to begin with.

Also, would we need a witness to sign the marriage certificate? Do we even need to do a 'ceremony' at the courthouse?

Any help guys? I can't bounce this idea off of anyone because we want to keep it a complete secret, we can't risk anyone knowing.

ADDED: Maybe it's just the fact that I don't even want this wedding anymore. I just want to get married and have it over with.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry, but this is the worst idea ever. I can't imagine what kind of stress you would relieve by having a fake ceremony and lying to your family. Please don't do this.

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:b975ed89-b141-48ee-a7e8-6db522cbbaf3">Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I didn't really know where else to put this, so here it is. My FH and I have been very stressed out lately because of wedding planning and other issues. One of our ideas on how to relieve the stress of the big day was to go ahead and get married now (about 5 weeks before the Wedding) so that in our minds we know that the wedding is just a party, not the 'big day'. We would keep this a secret from everyone we know, especially my father, until years down the road. Our question is, is it legal for me to continue to go by my maiden name until the wedding? Of course I would have to change my tax information with my job and my information with my bank, but I would go by my maiden name in all other ways. Can I do this? Can I keep my ID with my maiden name until then? I run no risk of being pulled over by the police for speeding and having it run through because I can't drive to begin with. Also, would we need a witness to sign the marriage certificate? Do we even need to do a 'ceremony' at the courthouse? Any help guys? I can't bounce this idea off of anyone because we want to keep it a complete secret, we can't risk anyone knowing.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]


Wow this is a horrible idea.  Why do you think you'll be so stressed out? Why do you want to lie to your family and friends and say that they actually witnessed you getting married?  Don't do this.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:40f3ee59-00b0-43e4-a7c0-a4655e7caa7a">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Marriage before the Wedding - Legality? : Wow this is a horrible idea.  Why do you think you'll be so stressed out? Why do you want to lie to your family and friends and say that they actually witnessed you getting married?  Don't do this.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

We already are stressed out. I don't really want anyone's opinions on what they feel about this decision, I just want to know the legality of it all.

The ceremony will still be our wedding, it's the same as getting eloped someplace else and having an additional ceremony back home for family.

jelique7

You are going to get VERY strong opinions from everyone about this.

I am mostly neutral on this topic but Many people strongly disagree with doing a JOP beforehand. Also i disagree with keeping it a secret from your family, why must it be a secret (just wondering)?

personally i am not against having a JOP before having another wedding/vow renewal (it seems to matter a lot to people on what you are calling that second ceremony idk why). Im sure you have specific reasons for considering doing a JOP which i could not really understand from your post but no one can tell you what to do or what not to do.

Do whatever makes you happiest but make sure you wont look back and regret how you did things because it is all about happiness! In my opinion it is a bad idea to keep it a secret, that seems like it could end badly.

Do what you feel is right for you! =]

be ready for some strongly opinionated posts on this issue, its a whole can of worms that i was  unaware of until a few days ago lol.

Good luck!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:f1dd1985-2c50-4f4b-86e2-318744fdda3e">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality? : <strong>We already are stressed out. I don't really want anyone's opinions on what they feel about this decision, I just want to know the legality of it all.</strong> The ceremony will still be our wedding, it's the same as getting eloped someplace else and having an additional ceremony back home for family.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]

This doesn't matter. You're going to get them anyway. It disgusts me that you would lie to your loved ones just so that you don't feel so stressed. And I still don't understand how getting legally married before your 'wedding' will relieve any stress. Please enlighten me.

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:f1dd1985-2c50-4f4b-86e2-318744fdda3e">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality? : We already are stressed out. I don't really want anyone's opinions on what they feel about this decision, I just want to know the legality of it all. The ceremony will still be our wedding, it's the same as getting eloped someplace else and having an additional ceremony back home for family.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]
Well I'm sorry but I feel like you should listen to our opinions. What you are doing is asking us how to lie to your family and loved ones and I can't do that - I can only tell you that its wrong. 

Getting eloped somewhere and having an additional ceremony is also lame - but a little better than what you want to do because people won't be duped.

Don't do it.

SarahPLiz

Bad idea to relieve stress. Keeping a secret is much more stressful. If you are ready to make that commitment now, then why are you scared you won't be ready to make that commitment in 5 weeks. If this is a "hurry up before we change our minds" type of deal, then maybe you need to change your minds now.

You will have to tell your officiant. YOu can only get one marriage license. If it gets signed when you get married (and you must have someone witness, but it doesn't have to be someone who knows you), then you won't have one to give to your officiant to sign at the wedding. He will probably want an explanation of why he doesn't need to sign the marriage license. If he happens to be a family friend or family pastor, he may tell your parents anyway.

OK, maybe I do have an idea about why you want to do this. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong:
 You have to wait for marriage to have sex. The pressure of having sex on your wedding night, along with the stress of the day, is freaking you out. You think that if you get married now, then God will forgive you for having sex before your public/church ceremony. If you are that worried about religious blessing, you should realize that THAT is the part that should be done before sex (If you don't believe in premarital sex).

If you are so scared of your parents reactions that you would lie to them for years over your wedding date, then maybe you aren't mature or independant enough to get married, IMO.

ETA:
Legally, you don't have to change your name right away, or at all. YOu don't need to change any of your work stuff either, until you are ready to. No one forces you to change your name. However, if you are trying to get your new H on your insurance outside of an open enrollment period, you may have to provide a marriage certificate.

vsgal

The legality of the situation is that you will already be married.  You cannot legally get married again 5 weeks later unless you get divorced. You can have the party, but you do not get to re-do the ceremony again. 

It sounds like you are going through more stress trying to justify this in your head.  Just wait and let things fall into place.

[Deleted User]

Maybe it's just the fact that I don't even want this wedding anymore. I just want to get married and have it over with.

trix1223

Well, you can't really have a "marriage" before the wedding.  Because when you say your vows IS your wedding, whether it's a JOP, church wedding, Vegas wedding chapel, beach, or on the top of Mr. Everest.

And grown-ups accept that their actions have consequences.  And the consequences of sneaking around, lying to your friends and family, and having a pretend "wedding" are that people will be really, really disappointed and yes, angry.

As a mom, I have to tell you that it would hurt me beyond measure to think that you would lie to me about something so very, very important.  And as a mom, I'd be disappointed that the person I raised would be so comfortable lying to everyone.

If preparing for your wedding is so stressful that your best solution is to lie to everyone, then what you're planning is inappropriate.  Scale it back.  See what you can leave out.

But please, starting your married life with the biggest lie you've ever told is hardly a good idea in my book.

kittykaz

Why isn't it more stressful to do it twice and then lie about it than to just do it once all on one day? 

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:d8127542-1196-4622-aa2a-59584d7ef84f">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's just the fact that I don't even want this wedding anymore. I just want to get married and have it over with.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]


But it won't be over. YOu still want to go through with the ceremony and the reception, so I don't see how having the marriage license 5 weeks before will make it less stressful. If you cancelled the ceremony and reception and just eloped, that would be a stress reliever. The way you want to do it, you'll still have to keep up a charade that you aren't married while these last minute preparations and stresses are going on. That's going to be even harder than just going ahead and dealing with them and not lying about it. the stress of the party and the ceremony and all the acoutrements will not go away because the license is signed. I don't understand how you think it would.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:d8127542-1196-4622-aa2a-59584d7ef84f">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's just the fact that I don't even want this wedding anymore. I just want to get married and have it over with.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]

So, how would having two ceremonies make this even better? When is your wedding? Why not just do the JOP thing and forget about the big party?

gottahavashorti

The legality of it is that many people do not change their names at all and your second 'wedding' will not be a wedding.

The reality of it is that your family will detest the fact that you kept it a secret from them.  The reality of it is that your family and friends will be attending something that is a sham.  The reality of it is also that you could lose family over this.

FWIW, my grandfather got remarried when I was young without telling the family.  Ten years after his death it is still a very, very sore subject because it was kept secret.

LesPaul

To answer your question, yes, you can keep your maiden name in the interim.  BUT - this is a terrible idea.  And what you're calling your 'wedding' will be a vow renewal (because you will, in fact, already be married).  Please don't lie to people.  They will all find out, and all kinds of hurt and anger will follow.  And in all honesty you will be more stressed about keeping your little secret than planning the wedding.

SarahPLiz

Maybe you need to keep in focus that your wedding day is all about marrying your FI, making that great commitment. All of the ceremony and reception are to celebrate that commitment. The details of those things don't matter as long as you are married at the end of the day, and I get that. Its actually LESS stressful to just keep your eye on the prize and not sweat the small stuff.

vsgal

The stress is not going to go away.  My reception was way more stressful to plan than the wedding ceremony.  Reach out to people around you to help you.  Is your FH taking some of the burden.

I can also tell you that the last month before the wedding was the most hectic.  So you are not alone here.  I am sure that most of us had stress one month before.  Don't panic--ride it out.  It is far worse to lie to your family and friends and more stressful that you have to keep the secret.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:a4e5cdfc-a32e-4ceb-a27d-b4b796f50d5e">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you need to keep in focus that your wedding day is all about marrying your FI, making that great commitment. All of the ceremony and reception are to celebrate that commitment. The details of those things don't matter as long as you are married at the end of the day, and I get that. Its actually LESS stressful to just keep your eye on the prize and not sweat the small stuff.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

I'd be able to do that if it wasn't for family breathing down my neck about the little things. I've been getting calls because people havn't gotten invitations to the ceremony (small venue) and how my parents all of a sudden can't afford to pay for the food (they were doing the food for us), and how I won't even know if my Maid of Honor will be able to attend because she's a Marine and we won't know if she's coming home until she IS home, and we're running low on money for contracted obligations, and a whole bunch of other things. How can I focus on us during all of this? I can barely focus on my job.

I'm just entirely too stressed out by all of this and giving up on it all to get eloped would be the staw that breaks the camel's back. I know this is about the love between my fiancee and I, but I can't just drop everything we've planned together. It would be financially irresponsible and I fear my family reacting to that more than I do them reacting to us getting married early.

kittykaz

Maybe you could just scale back a bit.  Don't worry about details, just try to have a fun party for you, your fi and your family and friends.  You don't have to have a MOH or monagrammed napkins or favors or matching linens or any of that stuff. 

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:0c70a6e2-ecbe-43e1-90db-6dd62d0bee3a">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality? : I'd be able to do that if it wasn't for family breathing down my neck about the little things. I've been getting calls because people havn't gotten invitations to the ceremony (small venue) and how my parents all of a sudden can't afford to pay for the food (they were doing the food for us), and how I won't even know if my Maid of Honor will be able to attend because she's a Marine and we won't know if she's coming home until she IS home, and we're running low on money for contracted obligations, and a whole bunch of other things. How can I focus on us during all of this? I can barely focus on my job. I'm just entirely too stressed out by all of this and giving up on it all to get eloped would be the staw that breaks the camel's back. I know this is about the love between my fiancee and I, but I can't just drop everything we've planned together. It would be financially irresponsible and I fear my family reacting to that more than I do them reacting to us getting married early.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]


ok so the thing is if you want to elope - go do it.  But don't come home to your pretty pretty princess wedding.  Besides it sounds like doing that won't even make the stress go away.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:f4220698-de21-45b7-8793-4ae333e384cf">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you could just scale back a bit.  Don't worry about details, just try to have a fun party for you, your fi and your family and friends.  You don't have to have a MOH or monagrammed napkins or favors or matching linens or any of that stuff. 
Posted by kittykaz[/QUOTE]


With our budget we're lucky to have napkins at all, to be honest. Can you believe how expensive those are?

I'm not even stressing stuff like that, it's just... the PEOPLE. My fiance insisted on a large wedding because he has a large, warm family. But while I tend to put on a good face, I am terrified of crowds. There's no going back at this point either, the invitations have been sent, and I cannot bring myself to call anyone and tell them they can't come. I could cry myself silly through each phone call, and I don't have anyone's phone number.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:0c70a6e2-ecbe-43e1-90db-6dd62d0bee3a">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality? : I'd be able to do that if it wasn't for family breathing down my neck about the little things. I've been<strong> getting calls because people havn't gotten invitations to the ceremony</strong> (small venue) and <strong>how my parents all of a sudden can't afford to pay for the food (</strong>they were doing the food for us), and <strong>how I won't even know if my Maid of Honor will be able to attend</strong> because she's a Marine and we won't know if she's coming home until she IS home, and <strong>we're running low on money for contracted obligations</strong>, and a whole bunch of other things. How can I focus on us during all of this? I can barely focus on my job. I'm just entirely too stressed out by all of this and giving up on it all to get eloped would be the staw that breaks the camel's back. I know this is about the love between my fiancee and I, but I can't just drop everything we've planned together. It would be financially irresponsible and I fear my family reacting to that more than I do them reacting to us getting married early.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]

All of those stressors would still be there if you had a signed wedding license. All of these have to do with the ceremony and reception you have planned. If you don't want to go through with them as planned, then invite your parents and siblings only to the courthouse to witness your ceremony, and then get on with your life. My point is that you getting the certificate now and hten lying to everyone just ADDS stress to the situation, it doesn't relieve it.

If you wan to elope, or scale down the ceremony, then do it. Own your decisions and don't be afraid to make them. 

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:0c70a6e2-ecbe-43e1-90db-6dd62d0bee3a">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality? : I'd be able to do that if it wasn't for family breathing down my neck about the little things. I've been getting calls because people havn't gotten invitations to the ceremony (small venue) and how my parents all of a sudden can't afford to pay for the food (they were doing the food for us), and how I won't even know if my Maid of Honor will be able to attend because she's a Marine and we won't know if she's coming home until she IS home, and we're running low on money for contracted obligations, and a whole bunch of other things. How can I focus on us during all of this? I can barely focus on my job. I'm just entirely too stressed out by all of this and giving up on it all to get eloped would be the staw that breaks the camel's back. I know this is about the love between my fiancee and I, but I can't just drop everything we've planned together. It would be financially irresponsible and I fear my family reacting to that more than I do them reacting to us getting married early.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]

But honestly, Kat.  Even if you run off and get married, none of the other "stuff" is going to go away.  And some of what you're getting crazed about is easily solved.

So here you go:  When people ask why they didn't get an invitation:  "I'm so sorry there was a misunderstanding.  We're having a small gathering.  We would love to have invited everyone we know, but it just wasn't possible."

If your MOH can't get home, she won't be there.  And while that's a shame, it's not a big deal.   Someone else stands next to you and signs the license.  It's really that easy.

If your parents can't pay for the food, they can't pay.Scale back on the food to what you can afford.  Cut out other things that you haven't bought yet that you don't need to.  Favors?  Out.  Cut anything that you haven't already put a deposit on.  Scale back on the flowers.

But running off and getting married is not going to take a single one of those things away.  And you'll have added another stressor.  Keeping a secret that you know will hurt people.

So you're not solving the problem.  You're compounding it.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-before-wedding-legality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:994877a3-b0b7-47ab-a5de-7a5de7722843Post:cdb2c904-ba58-416a-87b5-e4a0dee73306">Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage before the Wedding - Legality? : With our budget we're lucky to have napkins at all, to be honest. Can you believe how expensive those are? I'm not even stressing stuff like that, it's just... the PEOPLE. My fiance insisted on a large wedding because he has a large, warm family. But while I tend to put on a good face, I am terrified of crowds. There's no going back at this point either, the invitations have been sent, and I cannot bring myself to call anyone and tell them they can't come. I could cry myself silly through each phone call, and I don't have anyone's phone number.
Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]

I think your FI needs to start being sympathetic to your feelings about the crowds. 
 
Lots of people have these anxieties, though. It helps them, when they are walking down the aisle, to only focus on their FI's face. Don't even see anyone else there. Focus only on him, and I'm told it really helps with the agorophobia.

Perhaps you can also plan some time in between the ceremony and the reception when you can go to a room together and just decompress a little before going out into the crowd at the reception. My FI (pretty big introvert) and I have built some time for us into the evening, so he doesn't feel forced to be "on" all the time. Its stressful for him, and I understand that, so I am doing what I can to accomodate his feelings.

jenn.daniel

Being married already will not get rid of the things that you're stressing about.  It sounds like everything is too much for you to handle.  That's fine.  What's your FI doing?  Let him deal with some of it.  Don't take any more phone calls from people if you hate dealing with it.

Also, just accept the fact that your MOH may not make it to the wedding.  Thank her for serving our country for me.

Krysti21

I understand that you're stressed out, but this is a really bad idea. And it's only 5 more weeks. As others have said, it'll only add to the stress.

gottahavashorti

If those are your concerns, being legally married will probably just increase your stress.  Every time someone congratulates you that day or asks if you are excited for the wedding leading up to that day will be a reminder that you're already married and will eventually have to fess up to it.

Is there anything left that you're able to cut?  Is it too late to reduce cocktail hour appetizers, drink selections, eliminate favors, reduce your floral expenses, etc?

I barely noticed the people when I walked down the aisle.  I was concentrating on FI, picking up my skirt while holding my bouquet so I could walk down the steps, and not being the klutz that I am.  Honestly, I don't even remember if people were standing and facing me while I walked down the aisle, and I do tend to be a nervous person when the spotlight is on me.

Schedule in a couple days to relax and not talk about the wedding at all.  Ignore phone calls if you need to.  Have your FI respond to calls about the ceremony if he's more comfortable with telling people that it is a small ceremony.  If you have any family that are more understanding of the situation and also have contact with other guests, ask them to spread the word that it is a small, private ceremony due to venue capacity.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]Perhaps you can also plan some time in between the ceremony and the reception when you can go to a room together and just decompress a little before going out into the crowd at the reception.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
I highly recommend this.  We finished our formal pictures pretty quickly, went to the cocktail hour for a little, then went up to the bridal suite and had a quiet moment.  Well, once the Best Man had searched us out and dragged us back outside for a photo with his family, we did.  It was really nice, and helped me regroup after being overwhelmed by the number of people who were hanging around and taking pictures of us during the formal pictures instead of enjoying the cocktail hour.

I'd also recommend finding somewhere out of sight of your guests to do your pictures, whether it's another room or a location a few minutes away.  We weren't really able to do that because our venue  had a very open setup and we wanted outdoor photos, but it would probably help your nerves.

Sunny0710

This is a bad idea, and surely when it does come out it will only hurt your family and friends... especially those who travelled to your ceremony.
If you choose to get married at a courthouse, that is your "wedding."  Those who have a DW or elope do not have a "wedding" when they return... they have a reception.
Yes, the JOP at the courthouse will perform a ceremony, and you will need a witness.

Please don't do this. It will only cause you more stress in the end. I really don't think it will relieve stress anyway. What is the point in planning an elaborate "wedding" if you are going to be already married?

hd7694

I am in total agreement with PP's.  You will only be adding to the stress.  Talk with your family about alternatives for the food.  Cut things that aren't that important.  You can do what needs to be done without lying to your family.  It's not going to change anything.  If you go through with this chances are, you will regret it tremendously!  Just a little something else, when you apply for a marriage license it is a matter of public record.  Any one of your family or friends can be looking up your name and find out that you were married on an earlier date.  Once one person sees it, the news will spread like wild fire.  Will you be able to deal with that?