who/what's more important???

kalanbay07

Ive been engaged for over a year now and I've been avoiding planning due to the huge decisions looming over my head...mostly being the location of my wedding... My family is turkish and I thought that it would be fun to get married at the four season bosphorus in istanbul. The venue is amazing.  I've yet to find a local venue that matches this anywhere in so cal.  The problem is now that its time to put my money where my mouth is I'm starting to rethink my choices. All of our friends, some of my family and his whole family are in southern california. And at the end of the day I don't think any of them (other then immediate family and our best friends) would ever even think to go to a destination wedding across the world.

So the question is, who/what is more important? I have 2 separate hypothetical guest lists one for a southern california wedding and one for istanbul. Each has 100 guests...and theres about 20 people that are on both lists. And I just stare at those lists trying to figure out whos more important. Who do I want at my wedding? Is my family more important, or his? What about friends, I know there are friends that I would go to the moon for but I don't know if any of them would do the same for me...even beyond that I don't know if any of them have the means to do that for me.

I've also thought about doing 2 receptions...one local and one in istanbul. But then I'm splitting my money and half assing everything, which also means I may not have the $ for the four seasons dream wedding. And who the hell wants to deal with 2 weddings? Just sounds like a nightmare....

Now I'm just sick of this wedding already and want no part of it...which makes me really sad...

Anyway I have dragged on and on...any opinions or advice is greatly appreciated

sister2groom

I don't quite understand how you would have the same number in CA and Turkey, you mentioned 20 guests on both lists, so wouldn't that make more the other 80 on your Turkish list just your extended family or Turkish family friends your FI has never met? It seems like more of the extra 80 on the CA list would be friends of both of you. So if my assumptions are correct, CA would be a lot more fair because there would be fewer people connected to only one of you.

Kristin789

Traditionally - and your family's culture might be more traditional with family ceremonies than some American knotties, the bride's parents host the wedding.  So if your parents live in SoCal, then the wedding would be in SoCal.

wiwicaty

I would consider getting married in a neutral location equally distant from both families. NYC, Florida, Bahamas, Bermuda etc.... this way everyone would have to travel.

rjtutter

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_whowhats-important?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a34174b3-f8b8-4be2-8da7-6840782fc87fPost:e181a271-4630-4d2c-bdc5-e38e94e6f57c">Re: who/what's more important???</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't quite understand how you would have the same number in CA and Turkey, you mentioned 20 guests on both lists, so wouldn't that make more the other 80 on your Turkish list just your extended family or Turkish family friends your FI has never met? It seems like more of the extra 80 on the CA list would be friends of both of you. So if my assumptions are correct, CA would be a lot more fair because there would be fewer people connected to only one of you.
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]
I agree.  Typically people say to invite whoever you want to invite because you never know who will actually make the trip.  If that's the case, how many people would you end up inviting?

aerinpegadrak

All I can say is, approaching this from a perspective of "whose family is more important" is really, terribly unhealthy.  You're both getting married, you both need to be happy with the guest list.  But I do think that for most mature adults, having your closest family and friends present should be more important than having a really cool venue.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_whowhats-important?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a34174b3-f8b8-4be2-8da7-6840782fc87fPost:1dd2d2cb-deea-49a1-80fe-2ac9bafb350f">who/what's more important???</a>:
[QUOTE] I have 2 separate hypothetical guest lists one for a southern california wedding and one for istanbul. Each has 100 guests...and theres about 20 people that are on both lists. And I just stare at those lists trying to figure out whos more important. Who do I want at my wedding?
Posted by kalanbay07[/QUOTE]

Um, why do you have two separate lists? Everyone you want should be invited to both hypothetical events & if they decline they decline. This whole who is more important is really a bad way to figure this out.

I'm assuming you and your FI are paying 100% for the wedding. If not, then the person paying should help decide this. If you are paying, then sit down with your FI and talk this out. Where do you want to get married? Where does he? What is important to you/ him? Food? Location? Having a huge wedding? A small wedding? etc.

tidetravel

The question you should be asking yourself is what's more important - celebrating your marriage with friends and family or having your "dream wedding" at a particular venue?  It doesn't sound like you get to have both.

megk8oz

Ditto PP, I really don't get how all of your friends, all of his family and some of your family live in So Cal, but you have 2 different guest lists with the 100 guests and only 20 mutual invites. I would think that the guest list should be exactly the same, regardless of what country you hold the wedding in. Why would somebody be good enough to attend if you were in So Cal, but would be swapped for somebody else if you went with Istanbul? And vice versa?

Personally, I'd give up my dream venue to have a wedding where both of us would be equally happy with the guest list.

NillaWafer10

I would get married in SoCal.  Planning an international wedding sounds like a nightmare IMO, and you probably don't need that much stress.  I would then plan a special trip to Turkey and throw a small get together to celebrate your nuptials.

flapper2011

Get married in SoCal, and honeymoon in Istanbul. While you're there you could have a get-together with the family who couldn't make it to the wedding.

jerseydevil

Agree with aerin about the fact that it's not healthy or fair of you to think of  it as which family is more important. It is a celebration for both families.

Since it seems like most of the guest list would be in southern California anyway, I would have the wedding that you can afford there. If you feel that strongly about your Turkish roots and family who are still there, honeymoon there and have a small get together as Nilla suggested.

I also don't get why or how there would be two completely different guest lists.