Hi, everyone, I need some advice on what to do...
I am seriously considering postponing our wedding. It is scheduled for May 26, 2012. I already have my dress, we took engagement pictures, made save the dates (not sent out yet), and put a deposit on our reception venue ($150). I do love my fiance but for the last few months things have just been really difficult. And I can honestly say that I am not 100% postive, deep in my heart that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is my first REAL relationship and we have been together for 2 1/2 years, it will be over 3 years by the time we get married. And we are both young, I'm 19 and he is 21.
The bottom line is that we just don't get along very well. He has never called me names ever or phyiscally hurt me, but I know that he has a temper and gets angry easy and raises his voice a lot. He also does not get along very well with his parents and his siblings. Basically, when we first started dating things were pretty good and we were happy, but as time went on and we started getting more comfortable together he started to change. I am worried that once we get married things will be different. I don't want him to treat me like he treats his mom. He is disrespectful and expects her to do his laundry and clean up his messes, etc. As of right now I do not let him treat me that way. I stand up for myself, and he is getting a little better, but I'm just not sure if things will change by the time we get married. His father is the same way, he is nice enough to me but he basically treats his wife like a slave. And honestly, that is probably just what he is used to...both of his parents are more "old fashioned" that way. I, on the other hand, expect to be treated as an equal. I am worried about how things will be if we get married and have children. I don't want to be the type of person who carries the burden of childrearing on my own...I want it to be a partnership.
Anyways, I will say that I am just a lazy person who doesn't want to do anything. I enjoy cooking for him and it gives me joy to make him meals and help him clean stuff up if he has to work or something. (Any other people out there who enjoy cooking know what I mean. If you love someone you show that love through food...)
But, bascially, I just have not been happy the last few months. We haven't ever had what I would call a "perfect" relationship. In my opinion, we argue quite a lot, but my fiance tells me that it is just in my mind and that we really don't. My parents also have told me that he has a temper and is "controlling". Again, I will stress that he is in NO way abusive or anything like that, but yes, he can be a little high strung and controlling in some situations.
It makes me really sad because I used to be so happy to get to spend time with him, but how he is working a lot and we can only hang out maybe once or twice per week, but I am pretty used to it by now. I have gotten to the point where I am actually relieved when he leaves for work or school, because we just argue during the time we are together.
Now, on the other hand, I know that I could probably not find anyone who is as financially supportive as he is. He bought a brand new car and lets me drive it, while he drives my old truck. He also helps me pay for my apartment. I could pay for my apartment but he wants me to save my money for the wedding and honeymoon and our life. I know that we would never have a problem making ends meet. And I know he would buy me anything that I ever desired. I just don't know if I am being too sensitive and taking things out of proportion (like he says I am) when it comes to my feelings about our relationship. We have had our save the dates finished for a few months and I have been putting off sending them out because I am worried that I will make a decision to postpone the wedding after sending them out.
I am just embarrassed and sad. But I feel deep inside that this would be the right decision. But, like I said above, my fiance thinks I am taking things out of proportion. And I will admit, I have been known to get highly sensitive and overly emotional about things sometimes. I do not feel the happiness I once felt thinking about our wedding.
Okay, and this might be really stupid and weird but sometimes I even compare my fiance to my father. My dad is the most caring, loving, compassionate person in the entire world. He would do absolutely anything to make his loved ones happy. He sacrifices things for himself to help others and I just know how much he loves us. Because of that, I have always hoped that I could live my life with someone as compassionate and caring as him. I know that my fiance loves me, but I do not think that he would do anything to make me happy and vice versa. Sometimes it is like we are playing a tug of war game where he wants just the opposite of what I want. Then again, maybe I just have unreal expectations or maybe that kind of love is something that you grow into??
Anyways, what I would like to do is postpone the wedding until at least we both graduate from college (me with an Associates degree and him with his Bachelors degree) and then maybe go from there and decide what to do. We were planning on getting married in May then moving to the college town where I am going to finish my schooling. That has been the plan for months, so I am also somewhat worried about the possibility of having to move there by myself instead of with him.
I am just having the worst time because of how I feel and what my parents say and what he says, etc. And my best friend is getting married a few weeks after me and we have been planning stuff together for months, and it just will be really hard to tell her that I'm not going to get married then. And his parents love me, and I know it will crush them if we tell them we are going to postpone, and my grandparents....ughhhh...I just don't know what to do.