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  • In Response to Re:Help please!:[QUOTE]Hello there,
    Well ill get straight to telling you my problem. I am feeling terribly stressed , alone , sad, panicked, i think i may be depressed. To give more detail ill state the following, my boyfriend/Fianc works mondaysaturday from 2pm to 12am and sometimes later. He's too tired to see me in the mornings due to his long work nights. We have been high school sweet hearts since 11/06/08 so we saw each other everyday and soon after graduating it became to what it is now. Only seeing each other once or twice a week. We don't even talk on the phone because he doesn't have time. We only text sometimes on his way back from work. but he eventually falls asleep and i get angry. At times like today, he says ill go see you tomorrow morning, i wait and wait and call and he does not come. I get upset of course and all he has to say is im sorry ill make it up. but im tired of hearing that! i hate waiting until the weekend to see him! We've been together for what will be 4 years and hes going to be working on our anniversary and my birthday the next day. This upsets me so much. Also a great amount of my stress is that we are planning a wedding for september 2013 and its almost november and we have absolutely nothing done! Due to the fact that we dont see each other that much! Theres so much stress that i feel like i cant take it anymore! its all centered around money! He needs money to buy his car, he needs money to pay rent and bills, i need money for my immigration case, we meed money for an apartment , we need money for our wedding ! if we had the money wed get married tomorrow have our apartment tomorrow finally be together and happy but these money and lack of communication issues are putting me in such a horrible depression! I appreciate that he works while i cant because its for us , for our life together . once i get my illegal status fixed ill be able to help as well. But for now i feel useless i feel sad i feel alone all my friends r busy and it doesn't help that i live with an abusive family. To be specific an abusive mother. So i feel like i lost myself i don't know what to do i don't know what to think anymore i feel so bad i try to just sleep to forget. what do i do? Please help. Posted by emiilove[/QUOTE]

    I apologize off the bat, as posting from my phone means I can't make paragraphs.

    My honest advise? Stop worrying about planning a wedding and focus on your relationship and your legal problems. Getting married won't suddenly fix your schedule, nor will it fix your communication problems. And your immigration issues absolutely should be taken care of, especially in terms of funding, before worrying about a wedding. You complain that "it's all centered around money"... yet, you can't live an independent life without money, and I'm guessing because of your legal status, you aren't working. Which means your poor fiance is trying to cover not only his expenses, but yours as well. And you're very unsympathetic to that. Also, given that you are HS sweethearts and have been together only 4 years and you're complaining that he's working on your birthday, I'm guessing you're fairly young. Seriously, a wedding should be the last thing you are worrying about right now, and cut your fiance some slack. He's working hard to provide for you and your future together, and you are sounding incredibly ungrateful.
  • I agree with Kelly.  Put a hard stop in the wedding planning and focus instead on resolving your immigration status so your fiance does not need to work 60 hour weeks.  As soon as you can, get a job so you can cover your own expenses and leave your family home.  In the mean time, find purposeful activities to pass the time: volunteer if you can or see what free learning opportunities might exist that do not depend on your immigration status.  Help with your immigration case if you can.

    Do not worry about planning your wedding until you and your fiance are in better financial and legal standing.  Once you can work, too, then you can come up with a plan to save for your wedding.  While you are saving for the wedding, invest in a premarital counseling program to address your communication issues.  Give yourselves time to adjust to living and working as a team . 

    And don't worry about the small things.  My husband and I have been together for six years and have celebrated my birthday together on the actual day only twice.  His work committments are more important - and it's always fun to get another day to celebrate.
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    Anniversary


  • I am no immigration law expert, but I think you really need to focus on straightening out your immigration issues before you even think about anything else. Assuming you have been here at least four years, since you mention having met your FI in high school, I am guessing your case is going to be very difficult. This isn't just filling out a form and getting a rubber stamp. My understanding of immigration court is that you may have a very difficult row to hoe, legally. You need to devote your time and energy to your case, not floral arrangements.
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  • Agree with the posts above. From your post, you seem very young and with the money/legal/communication problems you shouldn't be stressing yourself over a wedding. Of COURSE everything needs money. It's what living in a capitalistic society means and being an adult means dealing with that. I would an administrative day job to support what I'm trying to start as my true "career". Would I prefer to stay home and have fun with my fiance/go on trips/do whatever, certainly, but my mortgage and bills come first.

    Give your fiance some slack. Not seeing your SO often is hard (My fiance and I worked opposite schedules for basically our first year together. It's a strain on a relationship, nobody is saying it isn't) but he is doing his best and trying to be an adult. If I were working 60hr weeks, you better believe I would not be up the next morning bright and cheery wanting to talk. I'd probably work, eat, and sleep (maybe watch some TV with my fiance if I'm not exhausted). It's rough. And depending on the job, you may not get paid vacation time, or the ability to ask off at any point.  He's working on your birthday? It sucks, but it happens. Sometimes you can't be together on certain days. Have a nice lunch together (if he starts work at 2pm) and then plan something nice a day he isn't working.

    I really don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to calm down and get everything else straightened out before you stress yourself about weddings. They're expensive (which is a problem if you aren't working/don't have much money) and aren't a magic fix-it for a relationship. If you dont' work on all these problems, you may just end up with an expensive divorce instead of a messy breakup. Work on your relationship first.
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  • Welcome to the real world hun. This is what life is like, you work to pay bills and rent/mortgage. You should be grateful that he has a job and willingness to succeed.

    One major red flag for me was this “that i live with an abusive family. To be specific an abusive mother” are you pushing a wedding to escape from an abusive home? You sound very young, are you planning on immigrating through your fiancée? You do understand this costs a lot of money right?

  • There is a new law that Obama signed that can give illegal immgrant children a legal immigration status.  You needed to attend school in the US.  I know there are other requirements as well, but make sure the attorney or group assisting you with your immigration status is aware that you may be eligible for this.  I hope they have already considered this route.

    Once you get your legal status.  Get a job ASAP and save money to move out and away from your mother.  Maybe you could move closer to your FI, so it would be potentially easier to see each other more often. 

    Continue to work on your communication skills with FI.  Give him a break, the hours he works is probably very tiring.  Live on your own for a while.  When you and FI are truly ready to get married, I would suggest a small private courthouse wedding.  There is no rule that says you have to have a giant wedding inviting everyone you have ever met in your life.
  • OliveOil, that law gives teens and adults who were brought to the US as children permission to work, but it is NOT a path to permanent residency.  It's a temporary work permit (good for two years, I think) that will have to be renewed each time it expires.  Given that we may have an administration change in the next few weeks, I would NOT bank on continuous renewals, even if OP is eligible for the new work permit in the first place (which she might not be, there are lots of restrictions on eligibility).  

    OP, your goal here, with your attorney, should be to figure out a way to obtain some sort of permanent legal residency, not a temporary fix.  If you're not eligible for permanent residency, you have bigger problems than your FI's work hours.
     
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