How to...

futurecoler88

Hey everyone...

I have a bit of a dillemma. How do you tell two of your bridesmaids that you don't want them in your wedding anymore? One of them didn't do anything wrong, we simply just don't see each other enough...and the other one, well, it's a little more complicated..she doesn't exactly care for my husband too much. Any advice??

GoodLuckBear14

Your wedding is a year away.  You shouldn't have asked anyone until next year but that ship has sailed.  Are you willing to end these friendships forever?  If so, then tell them that you don't want them in your wedding anymore.  It doesn't matter how you do it because they'll likely never speak to you again anyway.  If you aren't willing to end the friendships, then you don't say a word and accept that you are stuck with them.

cwaggoner07

Can we please make this a sticky? I feel like I see this question asked ALL the time, and it's the perfect PSA for not asking girls more than 6-9 months out.

QueerFemme

Gawd.  WHY do people ask random people to be in their wedding a year or two in advance?

OP if you want to end the friendship, please feel free to kick her out of your wedding party.

Everyone else who might be new.  DON'T ask people to be in your wedding until 6ish months before your wedding. And when you do ask people, ask people who are CLOSE to you.  Like, sisters, lifelong friends, ride or die girlfriends.  If you don't have anyone like that in your life, skip having bridesmaids. They aren't required, and situations like this always come up when you pick people who you aren't particularly close with to be in your wedding party.

peekaboo2011

Maybe I'm nitpicking, but she doesn't like your husband?  Or your FI?

futurecoler88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:af87d9f9-35ed-4a6f-b8b6-95b7dcdf7178Post:79aace2b-7ed4-4b0c-b9c6-0427d81d85d3">How to...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone... I have a bit of a dillemma. How do you tell two of your bridesmaids that you don't want them in your wedding anymore? One of them didn't do anything wrong, we simply just don't see each other enough...and the other one, well, it's a little more complicated..she doesn't exactly care for my husband too much. Any advice??
Posted by futurecoler88[/QUOTE]

lls31

Do you realize that you typed your response in the subject box?

If you are already married, then what you are having is a vow renewal, not a wedding.  

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:af87d9f9-35ed-4a6f-b8b6-95b7dcdf7178Post:8da92cc7-1d7e-4d89-abc6-ccd6859769fb">Re: How to... Thanks for the responses. My wedding date has been changed, which is why I already have my bridal party chosen. I'm in the military so things can seldom be set in stone. He is legally my husband...we had a small ceremony last month so that h</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to... :
Posted by futurecoler88[/QUOTE]

oh lordy.  Ok.  So, your reponse when in your subject line, instead of in the text.  But, in any event.  You are already married.  You shouldn't be having bridesmaids anyway.  What you are doing is a vow renewal.  Vow renewals are less formal events, and have no need for a wedding party.

mandi195

*facepalm*

thejucheidea

haha, wow, this thread went it an awesome direction.

allychase

In Response to Re:How to...:[QUOTE]Gawd.nbsp; WHY do people ask random people to be in their wedding a year or two in advance?OP if you want to end the friendship, please feel free to kick her out of your wedding party. Everyone else who might be new.nbsp; DON'T ask people to be in your wedding until 6ish months before your wedding. And when you do ask people, ask people who are CLOSE to you.nbsp; Like, sisters, lifelong friends, ride or die girlfriends.nbsp; If you don't have anyone like that in your life, skip having bridesmaids. They aren't required, and situations like this always come up when you pick people who you aren't particularly close with to be in your wedding party. Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I disagree with 6 months... That is way too soon for me. We're going for bridesmaid dresses this Wednesday which is the exact 7 month mark. And they all went with me to look for my dress back at the 10 month mark. But I always knew who my bridesmaids would be so I guess it's different for everyone.

cwaggoner07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:af87d9f9-35ed-4a6f-b8b6-95b7dcdf7178Post:062102ac-c143-47e2-9a1e-2c656b0fbe0d">Re:How to...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to...: I disagree with 6 months... That is way too soon for me. We're going for bridesmaid dresses this Wednesday which is the exact 7 month mark. And they all went with me to look for my dress back at the 10 month mark. But I always knew who my bridesmaids would be so I guess it's different for everyone.
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

<div>They don't have to be 'appointed' bridesmaids to go dress shopping with you. If they are close enough friends/family, they can be there regardless.</div><div>I don't think it's a huge deal to ask your bridesmaids further in advance. Like you, I had my small bridal party picked out 5 years ago, and it truly hasn't changed.</div><div>I still don't think BM need to be asked before 6 months. I had a 7 month engagement, and we got everything done in plenty of time.</div>

MyNameIsNot

Since you are already married, you need to call everyone who you've asked to be in the wedding party and explain that since you won't be getting married, you won't be needing a wedding party.

You don't have attendants for a vow renewal.

Meghannsix

oh dear.  If you don't create drama, there won't be any.  There is no need to ask/unask BM's for a vow renewal over a year away.  I can't even believe what I'm typing.

samantha24p

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:af87d9f9-35ed-4a6f-b8b6-95b7dcdf7178Post:e2af65ba-a1f3-41e2-a232-a5b36f3385b5">Re: How to...</a>:
[QUOTE]Since you are already married, you need to call everyone who you've asked to be in the wedding party and explain that since you won't be getting married, you won't be needing a wedding party. You don't have attendants for a vow renewal.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]



I agree with this.

futurecoler88

The reason I typed the response in the subject line is because for some reason it wouldn't let me type in the main box. Here's the deal. I'm in the military. I had a small informal ceremony in front of just our families to basically get the marriage license signed so he could come down with me to my duty station. So what we are doing in a year is NOT, in our eyes, a vow renewal. Our family and friends will be there and I'll be wearing my white dress etc. The date has had to be changed so many times because of my being in the military...things happen beyond my control. It was going to happen originally a lot sooner, which is why I chose my BMs so soon. Now I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.

Anyway thanks for your help.

courtski2004

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:af87d9f9-35ed-4a6f-b8b6-95b7dcdf7178Post:841438ce-039a-490f-b3e0-b15e8e678a13">Re: How to...</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason I typed the response in the subject line is because for some reason it wouldn't let me type in the main box. Here's the deal. I'm in the military. I had a small informal ceremony in front of just our families to basically get the marriage license signed so he could come down with me to my duty station. So <strong>what we are doing in a year is NOT, in our eyes, a vow renewal</strong>. Our family and friends will be there and I'll be wearing my white dress etc. The date has had to be changed so many times because of my being in the military...things happen beyond my control. It was going to happen originally a lot sooner, which is why I chose my BMs so soon. Now I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. Anyway thanks for your help.
Posted by futurecoler88[/QUOTE]

<div>So what do you think that it will be? You've already had your wedding, which is what happened when you said your vows and signed your marriage license. </div><div>
</div><div>I realize that being in the military can change your overall course of events, but that doesn't mean that you are any less married. Was he unable to join you at your new duty station without actually being married? You may want to check out the Military Brides board to the left to get a better idea of what type of celebration would be appropriate given your situation. A vow renewal would be best, but in that scenario, it is inappropriate to parade around as if you were not already married and call yourself a bride. That ship has sailed. It is like you are discounting the fact that your JOP wedding was real. As for your 'bridesmaids' (wifemaids?), just because you don't see them everyday or they don't dote on every plan you make, you chose them because they are special to you, no? Sure, have a party, but it will look very different than the traditional wedding that you are trying to re-create since you are already husband and wife.</div>

kmmssg

CMG - while I know you have very strong feelings on this, I do have to say, the military doesn't give the slightest rip if a couple does this.  What you do on your off time/leave time is your business as long as it isn't illegal or in an off limits place.   In my 26 years in the military, I couldn't even begin to count how many of these types of weddings went on during that time, to include the 4 I attended between 2006 and 2011.  

OP - be VERY careful here.  When you say you don't consider this a vow renewal (which it really is) you are insulting any couple who chose to JOP.  A JOP is a real wedding and you are really married.  I'm not going to call you out on what you are doing as long as you are completely honest with all of your guests and you aren't keeping the JOP a secret so that people will think they are attending your true wedding.  Just be honest about it.

This is from a discussion a couple of weeks ago.  GGgirl2001 is responding to my post:

In Response to Re: JOP pre wedding and then later church wedding (XP in NC also):

I'm not condoning it and I usually stay far away from this conversation/topic.  In my last 6 years in the military I attended 4 vow renewals that were done as weddings.  Everyone knew they were married pre-deployment, and the turnout at all 4 was huge.  Again, not condoning, but I couldn't count the times I knew of this happening. It is something I just don't get wrapped around the axe handle about.
Posted by kmmssg

This is the only part most of us care about. As long as people know I don't care what you do. I just don't like when people act like they "deserve" the "real" wedding. You're married and want to have a big party? cool. But don't act like the actual wedding didn't count because it didn't  have the big party with it. "

T&B11913

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:af87d9f9-35ed-4a6f-b8b6-95b7dcdf7178Post:062102ac-c143-47e2-9a1e-2c656b0fbe0d">Re:How to...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to...: I disagree with 6 months... That is way too soon for me. We're going for bridesmaid dresses this Wednesday which is the exact 7 month mark. And they all went with me to look for my dress back at the 10 month mark. But I always knew who my bridesmaids would be so I guess it's different for everyone.
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

<div>Agree. In my end of the world (also NJ) Bridesmaid dresses have to be ordered 6 months in advance - I wouldn't exactly drop a bomb on anyone by following "TK rules", Oh hey girlfriend, so would you be a bm, oh ps- you need to order your dress today and plop down a $200 deposit, hope this works for you.... Um, no. With that being said I also wouldn't ask bridesmaids on day 1 of my 3 or 4 year engagment so I guess its all realitive. Too soon varies by region, find out when bm dresses have to be ordered by and add 8-10 weeks on to that,  theres your answer. </div>

T&B11913

Oh and PS - Dont have 2 "weddings" Its a post wedding reception which is perfectly acceptable in most Military situations and dont kick out BM's, you can however say Listen BM's  1&2, we're already married, the gig is up were thinking of scaling it back for our post wedding reception so we dont look like fools, we're doing a vow renewal during for great aunt susie who was so upset she couldn't witness our vows, you know how she loves this sh*t - but bc we ARE already married we're not going to go the circus route, we're going to keep it to our original MOH, Best Man - Oh and if you do this, make sure you dont have 15 bridesmaids standing there while the 2 you booted are sitting in the back row plotting revenge - just saying. 

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:af87d9f9-35ed-4a6f-b8b6-95b7dcdf7178Post:76673220-e888-43e5-bccd-b6af44dff886">Re:How to...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to... :<strong> Agree. In my end of the world (also NJ) Bridesmaid dresses have to be ordered 6 months in advance -</strong> I wouldn't exactly drop a bomb on anyone by following "TK rules", Oh hey girlfriend, so would you be a bm, oh ps- you need to order your dress today and plop down a $200 deposit, hope this works for you.... Um, no. With that being said I also wouldn't ask bridesmaids on day 1 of my 3 or 4 year engagment so I guess its all realitive. Too soon varies by region, find out when bm dresses have to be ordered by and add 8-10 weeks on to that,  theres your answer. 
Posted by T&B11913[/QUOTE]

Funny, I've lived in NJ my entire life and had ZERO difficulty with my girls all ordering matching dresses only 4 months before the wedding. Oh, and since the dresses came in only 3 weeks after ordering, we realistically could have waited longer.

You people <strong>do</strong> realize that bridal salons make commission off of every dress they sell, so it's much in their best interest (Not the bride's, not the bridesmaids, theirs) to scare people into making a purchase by saying "Yes, if you don't order the dress at <strong>least</strong> 7/8 months before the wedding, IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE HERE IN TIME!!!!!", right? Or do you seriously not get that it's a business looking to get as much non-refundable money out of you as quickly as they can?