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bhutton2699

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aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b3e5273a-193c-4730-8fa7-ae917b0e5d54Post:209c7f4b-10b5-473b-bc4f-8724e6df9f7d">no help from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure what to do, me and my best friend have gone down separate paths the last few years but I have always considered us very close. So when I got engaged it was a no brainer that she would be my moh... well she lives in another state for school (only 2 out of my 5 bridesmaids live in the state i do), so she is not able to help with the wedding at all and honestly she hasn't really seemed very interested in the wedding either. She is very busy with school and starting her career. I'm making this wedding happen with a very limited budget and i don't have a wedding planner, so I need all the help I can get, and I'm not getting anything from my moh. I have a bridesmaid that I really think should have the moh title instead, but I just don't have the heart to ask them to switch roles, I feel like I would loose one of my best friends over it. I just don't want my wedding to suffer because of this. Please help!!!
Posted by bhutton2699@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]
Your MOH isn't required to help you plan your wedding.  If it's too much for you, scale back or put off the wedding so you have more time to handle everything.  Honestly, weddings aren't that complicated.  It's just a big party.

Your MOH is supposed to be your closest friend, not the person who does the most for the wedding.  If your other bridesmaid is more willing or able to help out, then great!  But don't insult your other friend (and demoting a bridesmaid is pretty much the biggest insult a bride can give) just because she has a life of her own.

bbyckes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b3e5273a-193c-4730-8fa7-ae917b0e5d54Post:209c7f4b-10b5-473b-bc4f-8724e6df9f7d">no help from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure what to do, me and my best friend have gone down separate paths the last few years but I have always considered us very close. So when I got engaged it was a no brainer that she would be my moh... well she lives in another state for school (only 2 out of my 5 bridesmaids live in the state i do), so she is not able to help with the wedding at all and honestly she hasn't really seemed very interested in the wedding either. <strong>She is very busy with school and starting her career. </strong>I'm making this wedding happen with a very limited budget and i don't have a wedding planner, so I need all the help I can get, and I'm not getting anything from my moh. I have a bridesmaid that I really think should have the moh title instead, but I just don't have the heart to ask them to switch roles, I feel like I would loose one of my best friends over it. <strong>I just don't want my wedding to suffer because of this</strong>. Please help!!!
Posted by bhutton2699@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

The responsibility for planning a wedding falls on the two people getting married and not on bridal party members.  It's not your MOH's responsibility to help plan your wedding.  As you stated, she is busy with school and her career - those are two huge things.  Sorry, they take precedence over your wedding.

How exactly is your wedding going to suffer if your friend doesn't help you plan?  I'm confused by that statement.  Do you have sisters or a mother who you can bounce ideas off of?  Use them or your FI.

You will be hard pressed to find many on these boards willing to co-sign dumping a MOH or BM simply because they haven't taken an exaggerated interest in your wedding.  No one is going to be excited about your wedding as you are.

I know it bugs, but what are you going to do?  FWIW, my "MOH" and one of BMs have NO idea what the heck is even going on with my wedding, whatevs, that's just them -- it doesn't change the way I feel about them.  This shouldn't change the way you feel about your friend either, you will definitely lose a friend otherwise. 

bbyckes

Good luck! Use the boards like your local and your month boards.  You will get lots of support from the girls there. Believe me, you're not alone.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b3e5273a-193c-4730-8fa7-ae917b0e5d54Post:ff1dd0eb-8c27-4663-898d-e5dfd59e386a">Re: no help from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks that actually helps, Considering I have no sisters and my mom is out of state as well I'm doing most of this on my own... and no I am not a big sob story I am having a lot of fun doing it! <strong>But I was always under the impression that your MOH is sort of your backup system and your right hand girl...</strong>I guess i was wrong, i will keep everything as is.
Posted by bhutton2699@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

Yes, that impression is very misguided. She's supposed to be your best friend that you're honoring with the title of MOH, not slave labor. If your MOH <em>offers</em> to help, that's just gravy. She is in no way required to do anything other than show up for the wedding and smile pretty for the pictures.

aerinpegadrak

Well, generally she's your "backup system" in that if you have a major problem in your life, she's the first person you turn to.  Major problem = loss of job, husband in the hospital, mom just died, etc.  Major problem =/= which venue to book or what colors to choose.

You've admitted that she's really busy with her own life, and some people just simply aren't into weddings and couldn't care less what details you choose.  It's not a judgment on you, so don't take it personally.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b3e5273a-193c-4730-8fa7-ae917b0e5d54Post:ff1dd0eb-8c27-4663-898d-e5dfd59e386a">Re: no help from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks that actually helps, Considering I have no sisters and my mom is out of state as well I'm doing most of this on my own... and no I am not a big sob story I am having a lot of fun doing it! But I was always under the impression that your MOH is sort of your backup system and your right hand girl...I guess i was wrong, i will keep everything as is.
Posted by bhutton2699@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

<div>Where is your FI in all of this?  He's the one that should be helping you.  It's his wedding every bit as much as it is yours.</div>

deepcovejackie

OP-I think you've realized now that your MOH is not your unpaid wedding planner, which is great.  One more word of advice, take your email out of your SN, for best internet safety.  You may need to have to make a new account.  Good luck with your planning.

aerinpegadrak

There's a difference between attendants volunteering to help and the bride assigning duties.  The latter rarely ends well.

lmansir10

"duties" was used for a lack of a better word.  "things MOH can do"  Although I can't believe brides actually demand and order around (I'm sure there are stories of brideazillas, which is pathetic). I'm just saying, google MOH, MOH duties, What does the MOH do.... and there's all sorts of things MOH are "supposed" to do, Obviously they don't have to do anything, but usually they do, at least all the one's I have met.

trix1223

A MOH's role starts and ends with the ceremony.  They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for the pictures.

Pre and Post wedding "stuff" is not at part of the role of a member of the WP, regardless of what wedding magazines, websites, and tv shows will try to create.

IF someone VOLUNTEERS to assist with any tasks, then great.  You can accept or decline the offer.  The problem comes when brides EXPECT WPs to go to bridal shows, OR go venue searching, OR go to tastings, OR go bridal dress shopping, OR make favors, OR address invitations, OR stuff envelopes, OR make CPs, OR chauffeur relatives from airports or train stations, OR plan, throw or attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, b-parties, and/or showers, OR anything else on silly lists of "duties".

But if they don't want to/can't do ANY of the things in the above paragraph, they are not bad friends, or bad WP members.  They are people with lives of their own that don't revolve around someone else's wedding.

lmansir10

Of course if they can't/don't do anything that doesn't make them bad friends. Who in there right mind would think they were bad friends?  In my experience, of the many weddings I've been a part of, the MOH has willingly done a lot for the bride, some even going above and beyond for the bride, without the bride asking for anything.  Obviously you have to take in account people have other lives and obloigations so not everyone can go above and beyond.  MOH actually like to help, and again I'm not saying the bride is ordering and demanding anything, but MOH like to feel they have a significant role in the wedding and helping the bride.

 Out of curiosity, has anyone had a MOH who hasn't volunteered to do anything?

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b3e5273a-193c-4730-8fa7-ae917b0e5d54Post:927cd505-9638-4939-aaa0-59bd579ad5b9">Re: no help from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course if they can't/don't do anything that doesn't make them bad friends. <strong>Who in there right mind would think they were bad friends?</strong>  In my experience, of the many weddings I've been a part of, the MOH has willingly done a lot for the bride, some even going above and beyond for the bride, without the bride asking for anything.  Obviously you have to take in account people have other lives and obloigations so not everyone can go above and beyond.  MOH actually like to help, and again I'm not saying the bride is ordering and demanding anything, but MOH like to feel they have a significant role in the wedding and helping the bride.  Out of curiosity, has anyone had a MOH who hasn't volunteered to do anything?
Posted by lmansir10[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>To answer your question, pretty much everyone who insists that a MOH has duties would think this.  </div><div>
</div><div>She does not have duties.  If she wants to help, she will.  She will do it because she WANTS to and because she is the bride's best friend, not because she has the title of MOH.  </div><div>
</div>

brit_bell90

I agree MOH's don't need to help you with anything. I'm lucky enough to have a Maid Of Honor who is willing to help out with anything wedding related.

Maybe have two MOH's? I was considering doing that, but then I decided to keep things the way they were.