wedding jitters?? or red flags??

Integurl05

I am writing to get advice from other women.  My fiance and I are getting married in April.  There are a couple of problems we have had that still come up.  First of all he thinks I'm too close to my family.  Another is that I work for my self and my dad's business and don't have a guaranteed income every month.  I want to own my own business one day and it takes time to do that.  I feel like he's trying to criticize who I am too much.  He will get on a kick about these issues and will go into them in front of people sometimes.  Where people in public can hear him.  It totally embarrasses me and hurts my feelings.  Afterward, I threaten to forget the whole wedding and he will change his attitude towards it and tell me how much he loves me and wants to be with me.   What do you think I should do.....Thanks a bunch

renjon7798

Ok, so he embarrasses you in public?  In front of friends/family/co-workers/etc?  Is this something you can or will be will to tolerate for the rest of your life?  What if he did this in front of a portential client? 

I gotta ask, does it matter if he apologiezed in private for how he treats you in public?  To me, the answer is NO.   

mbody

If issues are still coming up, that will not change with a marriage. I'd work to resolve those issues before getting married. 

He should not be embarrassing or humiliating you in public. That's not ok. It's also not ok to threaten him with the wedding. Both of those things are immature and you two need to learn to communicate to work things out. 

kaitlyn142

public humiliation = red flag. My ex used to treat me very similarly. It took a long time before I realized he was being emotionally abusive. I would think very carefully about this relationship if I were you.

StephBeanWed61502

He repeatedly, publicly embarasses you because he strongly dislikes your chosen career.  On what planet is this kind of behavior NOT a red flag?

Oh, and to top it off, he's trying to isolate you from your family because you're "too close" to them.  Awesome.

Seriously, the next time you tell him you're going to "forget about the wedding," you should actually follow through with it.

mbody

I didn't touch on the family thing, but I completely agree with Steph. It seems like he is trying to isolate you. Huge red flag. 

Integurl05

Hi, thanks for the advice.  I'm 28 and live at home.  I've been put down for that as well.  I just feel like there's been a lot of issues that we argued about and the wedding planning has not been exciting really.   I don't know what to do....  - Just because I don't have my own place.  He acts like he needs to tell me how to do things such as ways to clean, etc.

Gabrielle76

OP,
All relationships have struggles.  Our partners do things that annoy us, they watch too much TV, harbor that inane goal of someday moving into a houseboat, or just can't figure out how to vacuum like a person, not a chimp. (just made up examples. Except the last one, my FI cleans like a monkey).
Public criticism, embarrassment, and judgement of your job and how you interact with your family are not normal struggles.  My FI will sometimes tease me for talking to my mom on the phone too often, but always in fun, and he would NEVER hurtfully criticize me in public.
That level of control (you mentioned him commenting on your cleaning), shame, and attempted isolation are huge red flags.  As my mom (and half of my teachers) have said, problems and annoyances don't get fixed after you get married.  In fact, they will probably get worse.  Think of how this man makes you feel. Is that how you want to feel for the rest of your life? There are men out there who don't treat women that way.
Please don't take this as me criticizing you, or trying to insult you in any way.  I just don't want to see another woman hurt in a relationship that isn't healthy for her. 

emarston1

Everyone has pretty much touched on all the points I was going to make except one (that I noticed). How often do you threaten to call off the wedding?  Your OP makes it seem like this is a regular occurance which I don't find acceptable (but by no means am I condoning his behavior either).  It seems like a pattern of behavior:  he is an ass, you threaten to call of the wedding, he apologizes, things get better.  Repeat.

When you're married, are you going to threaten to divorce him whenever problems arise?  This is not a healthy way to argue/fight and I think you both need counseling.

cwaggoner07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_wedding-jitters-or-red-flags?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b48bfe38-d60b-40f8-b4ab-209c8606a9d3Post:a28312a9-7d93-4e5e-92f1-f99670251185">Re: wedding jitters?? or red flags??</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, All relationships have struggles.  Our partners do things that annoy us, they watch too much TV, harbor that inane goal of someday moving into a houseboat, or just can't figure out how to vacuum like a person, not a chimp. (just made up examples. Except the last one, my FI cleans like a monkey). Public criticism, embarrassment, and judgement of your job and how you interact with your family are not normal struggles.  My FI will sometimes tease me for talking to my mom on the phone too often, but always in fun, and he would NEVER hurtfully criticize me in public. That level of control (you mentioned him commenting on your cleaning), shame, and attempted isolation are huge red flags.  As my mom (and half of my teachers) have said, <strong>problems and annoyances don't get fixed after you get married</strong>.  In fact, they will probably get worse.  Think of how this man makes you feel. Is that how you want to feel for the rest of your life? There are men out there who don't treat women that way. Please don't take this as me criticizing you, or trying to insult you in any way.  I just don't want to see another woman hurt in a relationship that isn't healthy for her. 
Posted by Gabrielle76[/QUOTE]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was that both you and your partner will be the EXACT same people when you are married as when you are dating. So don't expect yourself to change, and don't expect your partner to change. Because it isn't going to happen.

Ali092011

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you, and renjon, I'm sorry that it did happen to you.

I think you should listen to PPs on this one.

Don't ever forget that you deserve nothing but the best from your FI and your husband. If you can't honestly say that he loves you 100%, adores everything about you, and respects WHO YOU ARE, then you deserve better.

Be strong and remember that people care about you. And we're all here if you need to talk, too.

RamonaFlowers

My ex (Whom I thankfully ended up not marrying)  liked to humiliate me in public by deliberately bringing up topics to berate me about, knowing damn well I would never "fight back" in front of other people about it. He also liked to give me crap about being close with me family.  And as time went on, he eventually started giving me crap about seeing my friends. And then giving me crap about my extracurricular activities (We were in college at the time). Eventually, I had absolutely nothing in my life that wasn't somehow tied to him ... and when that finally happened, he started to physically and sexually abuse me on top of all the emotional abuse he'd been doing.

He proposed, I had said yes. I wasn't happy, I actually felt sick at the thought of being with him, but I felt like there was nothing else left in my life anyway, and I felt like I had no choice.

A week after he proposed, I was talking to my mom, and she flat out said to me "Look, you can be lonely and miserable (Which is exactly how I felt most of the time) with this guy, or without him. Without him, you've got the freedom to move on with your life and possibly meet somebody else that won't make you feel that way". It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I called him after that and told him I was done. Of course, he begged and cried and promised to change-but that was just par for the course for us, I knew he'd be "good" for a week or so, and then go right on back to his old behavior.

OP, yes, other people have problems in their relationships that they have to work on, but in a healthy relationship, working these things out doesn't feel like a power struggle, it doesn't involve being humiliated ... and it doesn't involve ultimatums to get your way. Considering that you've mentioned that these problems "still" keep coming up after all the time you've been together, it's pretty clear this is what your future with this guy is going to be (Like PP said, things like this don't just go away because you get married). Do you really want to put up with this for the rest of your life?

J&K10910

My husband and I have had our share of struggles and disagreements but NEVER has he humiliated me in public.  And NEVER have I threatened to call of the wedding to make him change his behavior.

This is not normal.  This is not ok.  If you marry this man, you are making a huge mistake.

Hilraythebride

No, everyone does not have these issues and they are not normal.  They are big issues that won't get beter with marriage.  They may even just get worse because by marrying him you have basically made it okay for him to do these things.  

Small issues that my FI and I have are things like him stepping out of the shower soeaking wet and getting the floor wet, or not washing a dish after he uses it.

I have never once threatened to call off the wedding and I think you need to seriously think about the fact that you are willing to do this!

sonya+adam

Please, take it from someone who was in the exact relationship you're in now. I was engaged before to a guy who was just like the way you're describing your FI. He would tell me that I was way too close to my family, would get mad at me whenever I wanted to hang out or run errands with my own mother, go to my work to get mad at me, etc. I didn't know it then, but I was really unhappy. I just kept telling myself that I loved him and that I was excited about getting married to him, when truthfully, I wasn't. It finally came down to 3 days before the wedding, and he started fighting with me that night, because I didn't get him anything to eat. I wasn't eating much because I was on an emergency diet because my dress wasn't fitting. He had told me he was hungry, but even after I told him to get out of our room and get something to eat, he wouldn't. So then it became my fault that he didn't eat. Long story short, after much arguing, he pulled my hair, hit me, and choked me. That was when I realized that I should have seen it coming for a long time, and I should have gotten out way before I did. I cancelled the wedding the next day and made him leave. Best decision I've ever made. Now I'm with the greatest man I could ever think of.

What you're describing are definite red flags. Yes, some people like you and I have these problems, but they are NOT normal, and not everyone has them. I am urging you not to let it get to the point that I did. I don't want that for anyone, and I would do anything if we can help you realize that you deserve much better treatment than what you're getting.

hollyweenOR

Normal, acceptable "annoying issues we have to work on" are things like not closing cupboard doors in the kitchen and leaving the bathroom floor soaking wet (put the towel next to the shower and start drying off *before* you get out and walk around, c'mon!) and a short person borrowing their tall partner's car and not putting the seat back so the tall person can even get in the car (*cough*). 

Humiliation, public or otherwise, is not ok. As someone who works in a small business, you know exactly how much of yourself you have to put into it, and starting one from the ground up, which you want to do? That's a huge endeavor, and you're going to need so much support from your partner- you'll be putting in long hours, and those first few years will be pretty lean in terms of financial rewards- you'll be putting it all into the business! Could you imagine doing that with someone who doesn't support you? Who tells you what you're doing isn't worthwhile, and openly resents the time and energy you put into that? I agree w/ the PP who said to take the wedding out of the equation when you consider this. Divorces are a lot more expensive than cancelled weddings (both financially and emotionally).

classykat22

I agree with PP's and I feel they have given you exceptional advice.  The only thing I can add is that these things won't get better on their own and more than likely, won't change even with counseling.  I am an abuse survivor - mental, physical and emotional.  I stayed with my exH for 10 years..and it started out almost exactly as you have described your relationship.  He was controlling and condescending towards me, I cut off ties with my family because of him, he always had to know what I was doing and where I was going...it was a constant battle.  After awhile, he wasn't satisfied with just using his words to control me so he would push me around to get me to "hear" him.  I was young and scared and felt I didn't have anywhere else to go...and he encouraged those feelings with the way he belittled me and embarrassed me in front of other people.  He loved to tell me no one would ever want me because I was ugly and "used goods" and I should feel thankful that he kept me around.  He didn't change...he wasn't willing to change...and even if he had, the damage he caused to me was irreversible in how I saw him as a person.  They want you to believe they are "good guys" but they are not.  He will apologize and tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to try and keep you under his control.  You don't deserve this...not EVER!!  Please consider ending things and looking into counseling for yourself...to help you see all the good about you that he has tried to cover up with his unloving and hurtful words.  I hope you find the strength to love yourself enough to walk away.  

Summer2011Bride

Lots of good advice here. Marriage does not fix problems that already exist. They will still be there waiting for you after the honeymoon, possibly even worse than they are now.

These are not little issues. My H would never treat me this way and I would never let him. You obviously realize these are not just little issues because you came here and made a post asking and concerned about them. So deep down, you know too. I'm not telling you to not marry him. But these ARE red flags, and I do think you need to consider that long and hard and think about how happy you will be if you go through with the marriage.

Kristin789

>>I thought everyone went through these types of probs....   

Absolutely not.
Your FI should be so crazy in love that he can't stop complimenting you and supporting you and loving you.  He should be trying to do everything right to earn and sustain your love.
Your guy is the opposite of that.  So you should step up and make him the opposite of your FI.  Then he'll be this guy you used to know.  Yeah, that sounds right.

littleshrink

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_wedding-jitters-or-red-flags?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b48bfe38-d60b-40f8-b4ab-209c8606a9d3Post:edf08a2e-7ef9-407b-a64e-3fef5173ab12">Re: wedding jitters?? or red flags??</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't want to have this conversation with a divorce lawyer; my ex was just like this and unfortunately, I had to go through the ordeal with the divorce lawyer. Look hun; you get this one short life and you should spend it with someone who loves you, respects you and admires you. If you spend too much time with your family, the right man for you will respect that. If you live at home, the right man for you will understand that this is a career-making move and respect you for it. Nobody can make this choice for you and I totally get that there is pressure from the announcement of a pending marriage. Run. Don't worry about the questions, they will not kill you. You will get through that period and all will be well but if you really think this emotional abuse is going to end, it won't. Just run.
Posted by melntaitt[/QUOTE]


Perfect response! 

misshollywood17

If you are having red flags (and these seem rather serious), then what is the rush to get married?

I suggest that if you think you will be together forever, than why not wait and work on things to really work out your kinks so that when you are ready, you won't be having these doubts.

There's no rush to marriage. Also, threatening him with calling off the wedding is only proving to him that you don't no how to say no and stand up for yourself. Threatening and doing are two different things. If you want him to take you seriously then you need to take yourself seriously. Don't make yourself the victim and put your foot down even if it hurts. His condoning behavior is not appropriate now or when you get married (and people don't change that fast... if at all).