Chit Chat

Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?! *UPDATE*

The church we are getting married at (FMIL's church) requires us to take their marriage prep class. My fiance told me that his mom was going to meet us at the church before our first class...we figured she would just show us where to go and be on her way. WRONG! I show up to find my FMIL and my FFIL sitting there! They stayed for the whole class. There are Probably 10 other couples in the class, I was absolutely mortified when we had to go around and introduce ourselves as she introduced herself as his mother while patting his leg! Then proceeds to give her advice/comment on everything. After the class, My fiance and I talked about how awkward it was to have his mother there. I suggested that he talk to his mother about it, and just explain that we feel like we may not be able to say all the things we want/need to with them there and that we really want to get everything we can out of this class. He agreed. But after they attended the second class with us (the topic of this class was sex and intimacy...AWKWARD) my fiance tells me he 'couldn't be mean to his mom' so he never said anything to her at all. I feel like she is trying to 'chaperone' and it makes me really uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I love my FMIL...but I feel like this is a little bit over the line. Am I wrong for being upset about this? *UPDATE* Thanks for all of your input! We attended marriage prep class this week WITHOUT FMIL! My fiance talked to her (finally) and she said she totally understood and that was that!

Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?! *UPDATE*

  • Yeah, that would be weird.  He needs to man up and talk to his parents.  If he doesn't, then I think you should.  The wording you used sounds perfect.  I don't envy you having to have that conversation with them....but MAN it would be awkward trying to talk about sex in front of my FILs.  Yikes.    
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-prep-classeswith-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b59d2c51-6a37-4b10-a36c-1899387ae323Post:84ed2d51-9e48-4d92-9b6d-bbd0058a3429">Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?! : Wow. I'd be really upset. You need to feel like you can be open and honest during your marriage prep classes.  Not to mention the other couples in the class may feel awkward as well. <strong>I think it's ridiculous the church is allowing his parents to attend the marriage prep classes in the first place.</strong> He's afraid to hurt her feelings?  What about YOUR feelings?  You two need to have a heart to heart about this. It's time for him to cut the cord with mommy and daddy.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    How are they even allowing that?  And what is her motivation for attending? 
  • This is completely weird, and completely not ok with me.  My suggestion to you is to move across the country. 

    Seriously.

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  • I was reading this, and seriously the only thing running through my head was: "Awwwww HELL NO!".

    I'm floored that the person running the class hasn't put a stop to this, because it's incredibily innappropriate. That being said, it shouldn't be up to the teacher, because your FI should know how to establish boundaries with his mother. This is something you 2 need to fix now, because it will only get worse after you get married.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • This is soooo not ok. He needs to be able to stand up to his mother and take your side. This needs to stop. Like yesterday.
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  • This is a FI problem (though I also question the church allowing it).  You need to explain to him that your feelings are important too, and if he can't tell her to back out now how will he tell her to when your say giving birth (if you didn't want her there, and if you are having children, its just a common one people fight over). 
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  • She's treating you like children.  You need to put your foot down now, or it may continue to be a problem throughout your marriage.
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  • Personally, I would be refusing to attend any further classes until FI manned up to mommy and dealt with the situation.  If he wouldn't deal with it, there would be no need for further classes.
  • No doubt, if you don't find a way to stop this... she will insist on being in the delivery room when you give birth.
  • Awkward! Are they going on your honeymoon too?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-prep-classeswith-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b59d2c51-6a37-4b10-a36c-1899387ae323Post:13f7638a-9bc7-4df8-8104-ca918a098211">Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I would be refusing to attend any further classes until FI manned up to mommy and dealt with the situation.  If he wouldn't deal with it, there would be no need for further classes.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    These are my thought exactly.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-prep-classeswith-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b59d2c51-6a37-4b10-a36c-1899387ae323Post:13f7638a-9bc7-4df8-8104-ca918a098211">Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I would be refusing to attend any further classes until FI manned up to mommy and dealt with the situation.  If he wouldn't deal with it, there would be no need for further classes.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
    Yup!  I would never even have thought go through my mind to go with my daughter and her fiance, neither would my husband  I also can imagine her fmil and ffil doing that either.  Your fiance needs to deal with this yesterday.  If he won't stand up to his mother on this issue, don't expect him to ever stand up to her. 
  • Completely agree with PP's. This is so not okay. I would be absolutely furious. I would refuse to go to anymore classes until he talks to his parents and gets them to not come to anymore classes. You need to stop this now. today. Coming from someone who had to get their FI to cut the cord, this will not end unless he talks to them. Luckily, my FI manned up before we even got engaged, there is no way I could deal with that into my engagement. My FI's parents were just really overbearing and tried to hang out with us all the time, luckily when he gave them feedback they were so great about it and didnt realize what they were doing is wrong.

    Honestly, his parents might be a little upset, but ultimately they will get over it. By him standing up to them, they will realize that you are from here on out the number 1 in his life, not them. If they do not accept this, they are at risk for pushing him away, so they will accept this.
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  • edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-prep-classeswith-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b59d2c51-6a37-4b10-a36c-1899387ae323Post:93f5dbcc-4d99-4ad8-98ef-49eab928a04e">Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?! : How are they even allowing that?  And what is her motivation for attending? 
    Posted by Marrin713[/QUOTE]





    I have no idea what her motivation for attending is...but she said 'I love knowing that I get to see you guys every Sunday'. She and my fiance's dad are divorced, and she made the comment "I wish they had this class when [fiance's dad] and I got married" she has been remarried for 20 years...so i thought that comment was odd. and his step dad doesn't seem to care to be attending the class...he's just kind of...there.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-prep-classeswith-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b59d2c51-6a37-4b10-a36c-1899387ae323Post:6498ec89-64bd-4dce-bbbc-24b18be211f6">Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?! : I have no idea what her motivation for attending is...but she said 'I love knowing that I get to see you guys every Sunday'. She and my fiance's dad are divorced, and she made the comment "I wish they had this class when [fiance's dad] and I got married" she has been remarried for 20 years...so i thought that comment was odd. and his step dad doesn't seem to care to be attending the class...he's just kind of...there.
    Posted by FutureMrsHuckstep[/QUOTE]

    If it's about seeing you guys every Sunday, make Sunday dinner plans with them.

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  • Sydney91Sydney91 member
    100 Comments
    edited February 2012
    If my FI pulled that on me, I would leave him with his mother. He's too attached and if he doesn't cut the umbilical cord, she's going to be a constant annoyance in your marriage and the raising of any children. Stand up for yourself and your marriage, or surrender it to your MIL forever. My neighbours just got divorced over meddling in-laws. This is a dealbreaker.
    Edit: has your FI chose his mother over you before? He sounds like a mama's boy, and that may be the last thing you want resenting you when you try to establish boundaries for how involved in-laws can be in your marriage.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-prep-classeswith-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b59d2c51-6a37-4b10-a36c-1899387ae323Post:13f7638a-9bc7-4df8-8104-ca918a098211">Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I would be refusing to attend any further classes until FI manned up to mommy and dealt with the situation.  If he wouldn't deal with it, there would be no need for further classes.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    This.
    The point of marriage prep is for the two of you to open up and get anything out on the table that still hasn't been put there.  No way will you be able to do that with his parents there.  The success of your marriage needs to be higher on his list than his mom's "feelings" about something this inappropriate.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_marriage-prep-classeswith-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b59d2c51-6a37-4b10-a36c-1899387ae323Post:13f7638a-9bc7-4df8-8104-ca918a098211">Re: Marriage Prep Classes...with FMIL?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I would be refusing to attend any further classes until FI manned up to mommy and dealt with the situation.  If he wouldn't deal with it, there would be no need for further classes.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]



    This, without any hesitation or second thought. There would not have been a second class once I got over the shock of the first class. PP said "incredibly inappropriate" and that is an understatement. Is this the first time you have experienced boundary issues with her? I also somehow doubt that your FI didn't already know ahead of the first class that she had some inclination to actually attend with you as opposed to "just showing you where to go."
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  • He needs to understand that this is not about being "mean" to his mother, it's just asking for a 100% appropriate boundary to be respected. This class is about the two of you learning about your relationship, not the four of you learning about you and FH's relationship. He can be kind and still ask that this boundary be acknowledged and respected.
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  • goobersinlovegoobersinlove member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    Wow... reading that made me so angry inside just thinking about what that would be like to go through. OP, you shouldn't just be upset about this, you are entitled to pull a crazy-bitch "AWWW HEALLL NOO!" on your FI!!  Are you guys 17 and getting married? No? You mean, you're adults with jobs? OKAY - then this is none of FMIL's business.

    Agree with PP's that this is a FI issue more than a MIL issue.  This is not "being mean" to his mom.  This is him setting boundaries with her re: your expectations to treat you as adults.

    Do you watch Everybody Loves Raymond? It's funny because we don't live that life that Debra lives with her MIL meddling in their marriage every single day because Ray won't stick up for her or their privacy. But imagine if you did? THAT'S the life you could be heading for. Do you want that? I'm being serious.  You FMIL sitting in on those classes sounds like something I would see on that show.

    I'm a little bit more upfront and very good at putting my foot down with FI when there's something that I am not okay with, particularly when it comes to his mom.  I have done it before a couple years ago when I thought his mom was too involved in our relationship - I told him point blank that either this changes or I am out of here in five minutes.  Guess what? That dynamic did a complete 180* and his mom is rarely a problem in our lives because he manned up about it pronto. 

    OP, you sound very nice and gentle, but this is something you seriously need to do unless you are willing to live with this crap!!  Like kmmssg said, I would be like, "FI, it would be pointless to attend anymore marriage classes, because I will seriously NOT marry you if you can't set these boundaries with your mom, NOW." This sh*t sets the precident for how you can expect to be treated by your FI and your in-laws for the rest of your life - correct this now, not later.

    Don't be a sissy - stand up for yourself and make FI stand up for you.  Unless you want your FMIL knowing all about your sex life, being in the room with you when you're giving birth, telling you how to raise your children, cook and do laundry, and everything else that Marie does.

    ETA: OP, please update us and let us know what happens in the future.
  • I agree with PPs, I would be extremely uncomfortable in that situation. You really need to put your foot down and like another poster said, refuse to go to any more classes unless she stops attending.
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