Super frustrated with my twin!

joe&cassie

I am recently engaged (3 months) and we are looking at a long engagment with a date somewhere in 2014 or even later as we both want to finish school first and my fiance is just starting back again.  My problem is my twin sister.  Before I was even engaged I had told her that no matter what she would be my maid of honor.  I still desperately want her to be my maid of honor... HOWEVER, she is driving me nuts! She brings up stuff like dresses and how I had better not put her in something ugly or when I told her I wanted the wedding to be mostly DIY she got mad because SHE would have to do all the work to keep ME organized.  My twin sometimes has attitude issues and feels entitled alot.  She went as far as to say I couldn't get married in 2013 because she wouldn't be able to go with me to pick out my dress because she would be in a drum corp.  I just don't know how to get it through to her that it doesn't really matter what she wants since it isn't her wedding.  I have tried to talk to her about it but it always ends up in an arguement.  My FI thinks I should wait to fix it until we actually start planning.  My opinion it will drive me nuts to wait that long.  What should I do?

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_super-frustrated-twin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b81865b5-c777-45c0-9e2c-98c3ed1b5b84Post:455b4416-0a14-49ad-83d3-73ee7e0a6743">Super frustrated with my twin!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am recently engaged (3 months) and we are looking at a long engagment with a date somewhere in 2014 or even later as we both want to finish school first and my fiance is just starting back again.  My problem is my twin sister.  Before I was even engaged I had told her that no matter what she would be my maid of honor.  I still desperately want her to be my maid of honor... HOWEVER, she is driving me nuts! She brings up stuff like dresses and how I had better not put her in something ugly or when I told her I wanted the wedding to be mostly DIY she got mad because SHE would have to do all the work to keep ME organized.  My twin sometimes has attitude issues and feels entitled alot.  She went as far as to say I couldn't get married in 2013 because she wouldn't be able to go with me to pick out my dress because she would be in a drum corp.  I just don't know how to get it through to her that it doesn't really matter what she wants since it isn't her wedding.  I have tried to talk to her about it but it always ends up in an arguement.  My FI thinks I should wait to fix it until we actually start planning.  My opinion it will drive me nuts to wait that long.  What should I do?
Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]

Quit talking to her about wedding related things and when she brings it up, just change the topic. There's no need to be arguing about you and your FIs wedding, with your sister. Especially not at this point in time.

She's probably just really excited and wants to help, but is projecting it in the wrong manner. Just drop the topic and move on.

Good luck.

crash2729

Even if you DIY nothing is her job. 

I think you should get married when you want but make sure that you tell her you are aware of her prior commitments and you are willing to work with her.

Cynthia1207

All she has to do is get dressed on your wedding day and smile.  Nothing is her "job" to do. 

If you're waiting that long, there really isn't anything to talk about now.  Your taste will change from here until then so there isn't much point in engaging in wedding talk right now besides budget and guest list.  Those two things have nothing to do with her.

Simply explain to her that you want her as your maid of honor but that you have everything under control and she's not required to help you in any way.  Just let her know from the beginning what you expect or don't expect from her.  Be reasonable, she's your twin sister and a one-day shindig isn't worth causing trouble in your relationship.

RailWayWife

I agree with the PP. Just stop talking about it. Your wedding isn’t for a long time so there really is no need to be bringing it up all the time now.

LizziebeeUT

Are you actually expecting her to take on jobs, or does she just assume that you will? If you are acting like she has certain obligations to you, than I can understand her frustration. The wedding industry wants us all to think that we should be making lists of duties for all our friends and families, but it really doesn't work that way.

If she's just stressing because she THINKS your going to give her lots of jobs to do, than reassure her that you don't expect her to take on more than she can handle.
Tell her that if she wants to help you, than you really appreciate it, but you understand that she can't be there 100% of the time.

I would also try to reevaluate the attitude that it "doesn't matter what she wants, its my wedding." When all is said and done, a wedding last a few hours, she will be your sister for life. Having the picture perfect wedding is not wroth losing a relationship over. If she's being unreasonable. its fair of you to be frustrated. You can't cater around her schedule all the time. But she needs to know that you care about her life more than your wedding.

My sister is pissed at me because we decided a weekday wedding wouldn't work for us and are getting married on a Saturday. I tried to compromise and work around things with her, but she refused to budge and has since cut off all contact with me. I tried to make it work for both of us and she wouldn't have it, so there's nothing else I can do.

rebarobert2012

I would just explain to her that nothing is her "job" since it is your wedding.  Maybe that will ease her mind a bit.  Also, I wouldn't talk about wedding related stuff with her as much if that would help the situation.  Your wedding is still a long way out so you don't need to have concrete plans yet.

lenergyrlah

I would stop talking about the wedding until it's about a year out.  Typically, bridesmaid dresses, showers, and requests for help (i.e. addressing invitations) don't happen until 8 months before the wedding at the soonest.

If she brings it up, I would tell her that you'll do your best to ensure that she likes her dress (isn't this true?) and that if she wants to help out or throw a shower / bachelorette party she can, although the only thing that's required is for her to show up at the wedding.  And tell her that it's way too early to be thinking about the dresses or any other wedding stuff since your wedding is at least 2 years out.

bandjwedding2012

Stop talking about wedding stuff with her. I knw that's hard, trust me I get it. It's been really hard to not run to my twin sister everytime something exciting comes up about the wedding. She wants a redo of her wedding from just over a year ago, and thinks she can use FH and mine's wedding to do so.
   I know this will suck to say and I get it, but you shouldn't pick anyone in your WP so far out. If you look around on the boards this has happened to more then one bride. She either feels like she has to have someone in the WP or she thought they'd be great two years out, but when it got to nine months out they were hardly speaking or talking to that person, including sisters.
   Tell her your going to plan your wedding the way your and your FH husband agree upon, that you will take to heart any special needs she may have but that's the extent. Good luck.

joe&cassie

Thanks for the advice everyone!  It is better now because we are back at our respective universities.  My mom has become the wedding police and any time someone brings it up she shushes them.  No one really wants to think about it much because we have school to worry about.