miscarriage

TT Bride 13

I have thinking a lot about my miscarriage recently for some reason and I have been wondering about something. A few people told me right after it happened that I was lucky I wasn't farther along or that I miscarried before it was born. I don't know if I agree. I love my angel more than anything but I still wish I could have at least held it and got to give it kisses. So I was wondering, and I am sorry if this brings up any sad memories (I have tears rolling down my face right now) is it harder to lose a baby while you are still pregnant or after it is born?

AdeleDazeem

I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

There is a support board on The Bump for miscarriages if you'd like to discuss it more there.  http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/4236699/ShowForum.aspx

pegasuskat

I had a miscarriage at about 3 months along, and that was about 26 years ago.  I still think about it at times and what the baby would be like, but I went on to have 3 kids and it gets easier, and fades.  Thats NOT to say I don't think about it!  But my DD carried a baby to term and she had some medical issues that we didn't know about and only lived 4 days.  I'm going to tell you that was much harder for all of us, that baby was fully prepared for, and we spent 4 days trying to save her.   It was wonderful to get to hold her and kiss her, but it was sooo much harder. 

kmmssg

I was fortunate that I never miscarried so I am fully aware that I could never truly understand what that is like.  I can only "imagine" what it is like.

With my children, I was gushy, mushy in love with them as soon as I knew I was pregnant and they weren't cells, or a fetus, or a whatever.  They were my children.  I don't think it is probably across the board easier or harder when you lose the child early in the pregnancy.  I would think it is different for each woman and it is certainly not for anyone else to decide for them if it is easier or harder.

I remember watching a program many years ago about miscarriages and stillbirths.  They showed a support group where the parents (and actually a couple of grandparents) decided to place something in their home as a reminder of their child and that their child was real.  It wasn't necessarily a baby thing.  Someone chose an angel figurine ( I think both sets of g'parents got matching angels too.  That happened in one of the families), another family just chose something that was meaningful to them that would be more private - others wouldn't come into their home and ask if that was for their lost baby.  Wish I could tell you where to find this program, but it was years ago. I also remember some parents chose a Christmas ornament for their tree. Not all parents chose to have something either.

I think when people say things they are really trying to make you feel better and can end up sounding like a clod and making you feel worse. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you might consider talking to someone who has been through this or who can guide you through this.

I hope nothing I have set upsets you, as I have not been through your journey.  If there is something here that is upsetting, just let me know and I will remove it.  The last thing I would want is to "that clod."   

kmmssg

pegasuskat, I am so sorry for the loss of your granddaughter.  Please know that I meant nothing confrontational in my post regarding "easier or harder."  I can't imagine the loss your family has endured.

pegasuskat

I know what your trying to say Kmmssg, I agree with you, I think a baby exists immediatly with conception.  Its hard to explain how I feel, I don't think I explained it very well.  Both situations are awful and each person has to deal with them in their own way. It just seemed with my miscarriage it happened so quicly, I was just barely showing and hadn't furnished a room and bought clothes, had a shower, all those things.  But it was still my child and my H and I still mention it from time to time to each other and always remember the date. I still feel like I had 4 children.

Avion22

I had a miscarriage in December (I was almost 11 weeks).   I also have friends who recently lost a their daughter 17 days after she was born.   For me, personally, I think it would have been harder to lose a baby further along in pregnancy or after birth.  However, ANY loss is hard, and there's no point in saying that some losses are harder than others, or that some are easier, or that any aren't as valid as others.

I agree about the loss boards on The Bump. They have been very helpful for me.

JadziaDax

I'm sorry this happened to you. I had a miscarriage last month (it was probably more of a chemical pregnancy since I was very early) and I've been feeling pretty horrible since it happened. To be honest, I couldn't imagine how I would deal with being further along. 

To answer your question, I think some people just don't know what to say so they try to look on the bright side. I'm sorry again that this happened to you. It really isn't fair and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

LifeisSweeter

I've never been pregnant myself, but your question got me thinking about my aunt. She had 7 miscarriages before finally carrying a baby boy to term. I was a young teen at the time. He died a few days before he was due. As a family, that time was obviously the most difficult. He had a name, he had a nursery all set up for him. We all gathered in the hospital, held him, had a funeral for him, etc.

I hope your rainbow baby leads to a healthy child in the future.

monkeysip

That's so terrible.  I've never lost a child (born or not), so I cannot even imagine what you and the other ladies here are feeling.  But I do know that it's ridiculous to try and compare the amount of pain different women feel when they lose a child in their womb or born. 

The pain is horrific either way, and it's not helpful at all to say "well at least the baby wasn't born."  I'm so sorry for your loss.