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I think I'm going to scream! (LONG)

So my future BIL just got engaged to tis girl that my FH and I really don't like. She's just extremely nosey, immature, and just someone that I don't care to surround myself with. When we got engaged, I found out that she and my FH had a huge fight over her wanting to come to our celebratory dinner after the proposal.  My FH just wanted his brother and his parents to be there.  Well this totally got blown out of proportion and his brother called him and said I'm not coming without her.  Long story short, it ended up just being us and our parents.  After this happened, I calmly called her and told her that I thought it was a lack of respect for her to insist on being there, as it was going against what my FI wanted.  I was extremely annoyed bc if his brother wasn't going to be there, someone made the rule that my brother wasn't going to be there, which annoyed me the most. So last night, I get this email from her, listing all these things that I have done in the past year that have hurt her. After I got this email, I called her and spoke to her and listened to her story.  I in turn, told her the things that were bothering me about her.  We hung up the phone and made a pact to put this in the past. A couple hours later, I get a phone call from my FBIL basically berating me for calling her and being nasty to her! I do want a relationship with them both, but I just feel like I am in no win situation.  Any advice?

Re: I think I'm going to scream! (LONG)

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    oye vey!

    i wish i had some advice, but good luck hun.
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    >>After this happened, I calmly called her and told her that I thought it was a lack of respect for her to insist on being there, as it was going against what my FI wanted. 

    Nope.  Not your brother.  This is FI's brother's girlfriend, so if anything needs to be said, it should be said by FI.  Not you. 

    >>So last night, I get this email from her, listing all these things that I have done in the past year that have hurt her. After I got this email, I called her ...

    No, you needed to either let this go or give the e-mail to your FI so HE could decide how to handle HIS family's business.  Not YOUR decision to handle HIS family's business.

    />>A couple hours later, I get a phone call from my FBIL basically berating me for calling her...

    Yeah.  See, that's what happens when somebody's girlfriend/fiance steps WAY over the boundaries and gets all into her FI's brother's business.  That's THEIR FAMILY BUSINESS.  Even after you marry FI, his brother will be HIS BUSINESS.  You clearly stated that you were "extremely annoyed" that people on HIS SIDE were saying that YOUR BROTHER shouldn't be involved, etc.  So if you don't like HIS SIDE sticking their noses up in YOUR FAMILY BUSINESS, surely you understand now that you shouldn't go sticking your fingers into HIS family business.  Stop calling FI's brother's girlfriend to reprimand her about how SHE has no respect, or to list out things you don't like about her and insinuate that she needs to grow up and change these things.  This is your FI's family.  HE decided how to handle things with his family. 
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    i disagree, i think that if your FBILs gf has a list of issues with you, that is your place to discuss them with you.

    i do agree though that the issue between your FI and HIS brother should be addressed by your FI.
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    I disagree with Kristin.

    You're well within your rights to discuss whatever you want about yourself with FBIL's FI.  Yes, FI and his Brother need to work out their own issues, but that doesn't mean that you can't work out the ones you have with FBIL's FI.

    Anyway, I think it was rude of both of you to not want the girl there.  They're obviously in a committed relationship and you're both just alienating the brother and pushing him away.

    I'd probably also stop calling and trying to explain yourself to this girl.  It seems like you're just adding fuel to the fire and she's going to manipulate anything you say anyway.

    Just give each other some breathing room and don't be confrontational.  You're all going to be family, whether you like it or not.  You all need to accept that you'll be at each other's social gatherings and it's really ridiculous to intentionally exclude each other.
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    My FI was the one who decided he didn't want her there.  This dinner happened the day of the proposal, so naturally I wasn't in on the arrangements.  The problem is I don't think it was FBIL's ideas to say he wasn't coming without her and if it was shame on him for totally disregarding what his brother wanted. I am also annoyed bc brother's FI couldn't say to brother, this isn't right, let's not do this.  It is just ridiculous, bc they won't own up the fact that what they were doing was wrong. My FI does not like to get caught up in drama, so he most likely accepted the situation and moved on. The irony of the situation is he was supposed to propose to me another weekend, and the weekend he did propose, brother and gf were out of town, which in reality my brother could have been here anyway. Anyway, you look at it, it was still wrong.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_think-im-going-scream-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:c03787f7-8f56-476e-a486-edbd1bd342d0Post:c8904530-2c7a-44b4-b50a-d26da3fd81be">I think I'm going to scream! (LONG)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my future BIL just got engaged to tis girl that my FH and I really don't like. She's just extremely nosey, immature, and just someone that I don't care to surround myself with. When we got engaged, I found out that she and my FH had a huge fight over her wanting to come to our celebratory dinner after the proposal.  My FH just wanted his brother and his parents to be there.  Well this totally got blown out of proportion and his brother called him and said I'm not coming without her.  Long story short, it ended up just being us and our parents.  After this happened, I calmly called her and told her that I thought it was a lack of respect for her to insist on being there, as it was going against what my FI wanted.  I was extremely annoyed bc if his brother wasn't going to be there, someone made the rule that my brother wasn't going to be there, which annoyed me the most. So last night, I get this email from her, listing all these things that I have done in the past year that have hurt her. After I got this email, I called her and spoke to her and listened to her story.  I in turn, told her the things that were bothering me about her.  We hung up the phone and made a pact to put this in the past. A couple hours later, I get a phone call from my FBIL basically berating me for calling her and being nasty to her! I do want a relationship with them both, but I just feel like I am in no win situation.  Any advice?
    Posted by hklinger[/QUOTE]

    Well, you were wrong to exclude FBIL's fiancee in the family dinner to begin with.  You may not like her, but she is your FBIL's choice for a partner.  They are a social unit and should not have been seperated.  Your FBIL was right to decline the invite and support his FI.  You were also wrong to call and berate her for insisting on being there, after the fact.

    She made the effort to reach out to you and tell you how she was hurt.  Based on your post here, I wonder if your "talk" didn't turn into more berating on your part.

    You need to step back and let a relationship form naturally.  This means including her in family functions, and being sensative to what she said you've done to hurt her.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_think-im-going-scream-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:c03787f7-8f56-476e-a486-edbd1bd342d0Post:a4ce9af4-7488-47a1-b3a2-2fe769f2ab98">Re: I think I'm going to scream! (LONG)</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI was the one who decided he didn't want her there.  This dinner happened the day of the proposal, so naturally I wasn't in on the arrangements.  The problem is I don't think it was <strong>FBIL's ideas to say he wasn't coming without her and if it was shame on him for totally disregarding what his brother wanted</strong>. I am also annoyed bc brother's FI couldn't say to brother, this isn't right, let's not do this.  It is just ridiculous, bc they won't own up the fact that what they were doing was wrong. My FI does not like to get caught up in drama, so he most likely accepted the situation and moved on. The irony of the situation is he was supposed to propose to me another weekend, and the weekend he did propose, brother and gf were out of town, which in reality my brother could have been here anyway. Anyway, you look at it, it was still wrong.
    Posted by hklinger[/QUOTE]

    Who's idea are you suggesting it was?  FBIL's FI? 

    Look.  Here's the thing.  FBIL is going to side with his (future) wife over family everytime, because that's just what a good man does.  She's the one crawling in bed with him, and at the end of the day, it's her opinion really that really matters.

    Your FI was the one in the wrong here, not FBIL or his FI.
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    edited March 2010
    You (meaning you and your FI) were in the wrong by excluding her from the dinner.  She's in a serious relationship with a person you invited, so it was incredibly rude on your part to not invite her as well.  You started this issue.

    And you're all acting like little children.  You all need to grow the hell up before you get married.
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    You and your FI tried to pull them apart by asking FBIL to come to the dinner without her.  All this other stuff is just the fallout from that behavior.  

    Just as you would expect your FI to stand up for you to his parents, FBIL is doing the right thing to his FI here.  You both need to get it through your heads that FBIL and his FI are a package deal and that anything you say or do to one is to both of them.  

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    If your FI attended a dinner with FBIL and his FI without you because he was specificlaly told NOT to bring you and that you weren't welcome, how would you feel?

    You and your FI were totally out of line.
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    I think it was totally rude of your FI to exclude her from the dinner and your FBIL was totally right in not coming without her. I think you and your FI should BOTH apologize to the two of them and move on. They are family and aren't going anywhere.
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    Everyone needs to chill in this situation let the dust settle! Going forward invite them as a couple and part of the family as all of you will be a part of the family unit before you know it. Act polite and gracious to this woman and FBIL. Act like you are full of grace and kindness. If you do it long enough it won't be an act. Someone has to act like they are no longer in high school and it looks as though you should be that one.

    You are getting married and now so is she, all 4 of you need to act like you are adults as you are making an adult decision to be part of each others life forever.
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    I dissagree. this IS your business. It IS your family too, and she addressed YOU... which makes it especailly your business. I hate drama like that tho so if it were me, and trying to put it behind us didnt work, id simply ignore the both of them from now on. I dont like drama, and everyone who knows me knows not to bring ongoing drama to my attention, cuz i really do just ignore it, unless its actually valid and important
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_think-im-going-scream-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c03787f7-8f56-476e-a486-edbd1bd342d0Post:1c0ae471-0286-499a-96c7-ca4d1a209dbe">Re: I think I'm going to scream! (LONG)</a>:
    [QUOTE]If your FI attended a dinner with FBIL and his FI without you because he was specificlaly told NOT to bring you and that you weren't welcome, how would you feel? You and your FI were totally out of line.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
    on the other hand tho, I do have to agree here. It was rude, nad part of life, love, and family means putting up with people you dont like, because they are dating someone you care about.
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    JHS16JHS16 member
    First Comment
    At this point, I think both of you are upset, hurt, and building it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.  Honestly, the best thing to do is suck it up (I know you will HATE this), and send a heartfelt apology letter and sincerely try to repair all relationships for the sake of the family and getting along.  Assuming you will both stay married, you want to avoid having horrible drama and awkwardness during holidays and family things, so everyone would be happier if you all made up, even if you have to be the bigger person.  

    Don't blame, argue your case, or bring up past issues.  Make the letter about the future, and your sincere desire to get along and enjoy the positives in everyone. Briefly apologize about any hurt feelings and move on. 
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    I did send them both an apology letter. I am just concerned that things will never go back to the way they were.  But I know as long as I continue to make positive efforts, that's all I do! Just a bit interesting that FI's brother is best man....should make for an interesting speech
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