XP: breast cancer donation jar

soccerchica604

So my uncle/godfather's wife was just diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in both of her breasts last week. As a result, she is having surgery/plastic surgery this Friday and will be missing the wedding. My Uncle insists he is not going to miss the wedding so he's going to spend the entire day Saturday with her and then come to the wedding that night.
Anyways, I have decided to put out a donation jar at our reception. Breast cancer is very common in both of our families. I hat the clanking of glasses so I thought we could set up the jar and every time someone donates, they can ring a bell and we will kiss. Then at the end of the night we are going to present the jar to my uncle for his wife.
However, I do want this to be kind of a surprise so I dont want it to specifically say that its for her. What do you think I should put on the little sign next to it? "Help support breast cancer patients?"

J&K10910

I don't like this.  I think that the thought is great, but your wedding is not a fundraiser. 

angelsong21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:3a2de7e6-73cb-4106-b03d-5400ff9e9e08">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't like this.  I think that the thought is great, but your wedding is not a fundraiser. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I feel the same way.  I know you have the best of intentions but I just don't think its the right time to do something like this.

</div>

soccerchica604

I actually got the idea from other brides and its something that I want to do. If people want to donate, great. If they dont, they dont have to. I am just asking what I should say...

HobokensFury

My heart goes out to you because my mom is going through it herself. She will be losing both breasts on April 24th. I wish your aunt a speedy recovery.  With that being said I don't think it's appropriate to have a donation jar at your wedding.

soccerchica604

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/diy-donation-jar-no-glass-clinking

Nevermind...I found some ideas...

Gabrielle76

I think it's hard for us to give advice on what to say, when we don't think it's an appropriate idea, however well intentioned. 

J&K10910

How surprising that you found ideas on Wedding Bee.  Are you going to "put [your] MOH to work" on it too?

ETA:  This was supposed to be mostly a knock on WB.  It came off sounding incredibly bitchy and condescending to you.  I didn't mean it that way, but I still think it's a bad idea.

soccerchica604

I have done everything for my wedding. Thank you. Its MY wedding so I dont believe that others should be doing things for MY wedding. I am not a slave-driver.
And actually I just googled the idea and that was one of the first things to pop up. There are going to be people who have issues with almost everything at my wedding (we know that because we've already dealt with some of it) but like everyone keeps saying, "its your day and you need to do what you want and what makes you happy." So this is what we want to do and this is what makes us happy so we are doing it.

Gabrielle76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:5caade66-8c43-4128-a70d-ca5992c7fcae">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]I have done everything for my wedding. Thank you. Its MY wedding so I dont believe that others should be doing things for MY wedding. I am not a slave-driver. And actually I just googled the idea and that was one of the first things to pop up. There are going to be people who have issues with almost everything at my wedding (we know that because we've already dealt with some of it) but like everyone keeps saying, <strong>"it's your day and you need to do what you want and what makes you happy.</strong>" So this is what we want to do and this is what makes us happy so we are doing it.
Posted by soccerchica604[/QUOTE]
In all honesty, the bolded part is not good advice.  As soon as guests are invited, you have to think beyond the scope of 'your day'.  If you're doing it, that's your choice, no one here will stop you, but that doesn't mean we wont provide advice/opinions. 

crash2729

I think that it's a little misleading to have a sign saying "Help cancer patients" because they aren't helping multiple through an organization. They are supporting one. 

That being said...I wouldn't have a donation jar at your wedding.

If you really want to give him some money you could give him some from you and your FI.

ChristineNB

I think the idea is well-intentioned, I just don't like the idea of people ringing bells or whatever everytime someone donates.  I know that I would not like that attention directed to me if I was donating, and other people may prefer to donate in a true charitable fashion, with no need for acknowledgement.

Viczaesar

I think it's a terrible idea, but I'm also confused about who exactly is getting the money.  Is it going to go to your aunt and uncle, or to a cancer fundraising charity?  If the money is going to your family member then you need to be honest about that, not just say "Donate for breast cancer patients" or something like that.  Either way, though, it's inappropriate at a wedding.  You shouldn't be asking your guests to pony up for anything, and that includes charity solicitations.

BunnyChii

I know you'll do whatever you want and it sounds like you're set on doing this for your wedding, but I don't think it's a good idea for several reasons.

1. I hate being guilted into donating money by having a public donation jar and calling attention to those who donate. Like when organizations pass around jars during class, asking for some change...Everyone knows if you don't put any in. Awkward. Also, I don't really bring money to weddings so I wouldn't be able to donate even if I wanted to.

2. Saying you will give the money to "cancer patients," as PPs have pointed out, is very misleading when you are, in fact, only giving the money to your own relative. On the flip side, singling out a relative by saying, "so-and-so has cancer, please donate for them!" could be humiliating for your relative. So I don't see any winning situation here.

3. I just think there are better ways to both get more money and not put people on the spot.  A wedding seems like a poor donation spot. Honestly, I don't see you getting more than 10, maybe 20 bucks from the donation jar. I know "every little bit counts" but as far as "presenting" it to your uncle....Just don't expect too much from it.

So that's my view. As I already said, it sounds like you'll do it regardless, so I hope it goes well for you. Good luck.

notyetavet

I'm not totally opposed to a donation jar and I don't think I'd be offended if I saw one at a wedding for something like this, but I would think it was a little odd.  If you do this, I'd recommend having it on the gift table (perhaps something similar to the card box) so it's not so obvious who contributes and who doesn't.  I do agree with PPs that it is a tad awkward that your sign will say "help cancer patients" when it will really only go to one patient.  

I think it would be better to make a speech to say that you and FI will be donating some of your wedding present money to a charity in your godfather's wife's name or something along those lines. It wouldn't go specifically to that family, but the thought is still there. 

BunnyChii

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:bf35b77a-2152-49f5-812a-d47bd05deaea">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not totally opposed to a donation jar and I don't think I'd be offended if I saw one at a wedding for something like this, but I would think it was a little odd.  If you do this, I'd recommend having it on the gift table (perhaps something similar to the card box) so it's not so obvious who contributes and who doesn't.  I do agree with PPs that it is a tad awkward that your sign will say "help cancer patients" when it will really only go to one patient.   <strong>I think it would be better to make a speech to say that you and FI will be donating some of your wedding present money to a charity in your godfather's wife's name or something along those lines. It wouldn't go specifically to that family, but the thought is still there. </strong>
Posted by notyetavet[/QUOTE]

<div>My worry is that this is still very, very new to the aunt - she was only diagnosed last week, so who knows how she is dealing with it? She may still be very confused and upset. I think that any public display that puts the aunt and uncle on spot is in poor taste.</div><div>
</div><div>My father has MS and was diagnosed almost 20 years ago. Yet, his illness is still a very private matter and I fully respect his decision on whom to tell, whom not to tell, and in what manner he chooses to tell people. If I were to make a public display (especially at a wedding where lots of strangers to my father would be), even if it were to donate money, that would be disrespectful to his right to choose whether or not to tell people. It could hurt his pride if people were all to know and say, "oh, poor guy....he has an illness." People with chronic/terminal illnesses often worry that people will see them as merely "that guy with MS" or "that chick who has cancer" and not see them as a whole person.</div><div>
</div><div>I think her heart is in the right place, but this is a very private matter, especially since it's still so new. Privately donating in her name or offering money to the family in private is one thing, making a big announcement at a wedding is quite another.</div>

notyetavet

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:eeff5017-4af2-47ba-9b34-b8b54c85843e">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar : My worry is that this is still very, very new to the aunt - she was only diagnosed last week, so who knows how she is dealing with it? She may still be very confused and upset. I think that any public display that puts the aunt and uncle on spot is in poor taste. My father has MS and was diagnosed almost 20 years ago. Yet, his illness is still a very private matter and I fully respect his decision on whom to tell, whom not to tell, and in what manner he chooses to tell people. If I were to make a public display (especially at a wedding where lots of strangers to my father would be), even if it were to donate money, that would be disrespectful to his right to choose whether or not to tell people. It could hurt his pride if people were all to know and say, "oh, poor guy....he has an illness." People with chronic/terminal illnesses often worry that people will see them as merely "that guy with MS" or "that chick who has cancer" and not see them as a whole person. I think her heart is in the right place, but this is a very private matter, especially since it's still so new. Privately donating in her name or offering money to the family in private is one thing, making a big announcement at a wedding is quite another.
Posted by BunnyChii[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That is an exceptionally good point.  I was under the impression that the aunt wouldn't be there, but going back to the OP, it seems like she will be.  A private donation seems to be the way to go here. 

</div>

AdeleDazeem

Soccer, I think you like to post controversial stuff and see everyone get up in arms.  That's all I can remember about you around here.

So, um.  Do whatever you want.

MyNameIsNot

Outside of the appropriateness, this is really going to embarrass the uncle and put him on the spot.  If I were in his position, I would be pissed if you did that to me.  

Most people do not like being forced to take charity, especially not in front of people.  

ChristineNB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:a288380a-6513-41ef-bb2e-d16fdfdfb6d6">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]Outside of the appropriateness, this is really going to embarrass the uncle and put him on the spot.  If I were in his position, I would be pissed if you did that to me.   Most people do not like being forced to take charity, especially not in front of people.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
If the OP is dead set on doing this, I would at least say something to the uncle beforehand, to determine his reaction.  He might be touched, as the OP believes, or he could be annoyed with all the attention on him and his wife. 

dori851

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:a6dac367-0e17-438c-b9f4-0dfde2d52c43">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's a terrible idea, but I'm also confused about who exactly is getting the money.  Is it going to go to your aunt and uncle, or to a cancer fundraising charity?  If the money is going to your family member then you need to be honest about that, not just say "Donate for breast cancer patients" or something like that.  Either way, though, it's inappropriate at a wedding.  You shouldn't be asking your guests to pony up for anything , and that includes charity solicitations.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

This. And if you are planning on donating the money to a charity, I would be sure to clarify which one. Some people don't donate to charities like the Susan G. Komen Foundation because they don't agree with how the money is spent. So I would think about that as well when asking guests to contribute money to a certain charity.

ginabean82

Instead of this, why don't you make a donation to the Breast Cancer Society as everyone's wedding favor?  Make some cookies, or put some chocolates in a little organze baggie and tie a ribbion on it that said "Thank you for sharing in our special day.  A donation has been made in your name to the Breast Cancer Society."  Or something similar to that.  

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:68d78916-5923-4c89-8e0e-e12edf91d2a0">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]Instead of this, <strong>why don't you make a donation to the Breast Cancer Society as everyone's wedding favor</strong>?  Make some cookies, or put some chocolates in a little organze baggie and tie a ribbion on it that said "Thank you for sharing in our special day.  <strong>A donation has been made in your name to the Breast Cancer Society</strong>."  Or something similar to that.  
Posted by ginabean82[/QUOTE]

IMO, I highly dislike this idea. I'm all for donating and we do multiple times a year. With that said, we want to be the one to decide where our donations go. If the couple wants to donate money, do so on your own time unrelated to your wedding day.

Is this money going to strictly your aunt, or to the actual breast cancer foundation?

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:9d76f865-167e-4802-befb-45962e84e648">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]2. As a guest at your wedding who doesn't know your uncle, I have no idea what his or his wife's financial status is and if they are in dire need of my charity.  Maybe her insurance is really awesome and is covering a large majority of the expenses.  Maybe she only needs this one surgery and will pay zero out of pocket expenses.  I have no idea what my money would be going to.  (I realize this is a very optimistic view of cancer, but some people do have really awesome insurance or are financially stable enough that they don't need this money as much as the next person.  
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is a really good point.  </div><div>
</div><div>My dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2008.  It was similar, diagnosed one day, surgery 3 days later.  My parents aren't exactly rolling in it, but it wasn't a huge financial blow either.  The cost of dad's surgery and later chemo were mostly covered by insurance.  My parents did incur some out of pocket, and dad had to take some time unpaid from work, but they were in a position to cover it.  </div><div>
</div><div>I cannot imagine how mortified and insulted my parents would have been if I'd given them $300 collected out of a donation jar at my wedding.  </div>

mcskatcat

I feel like this would be disrespectful to the aunt and uncle.  I've known people with breast cancer, and how they deal with it should be up to them - not you.  That means if they don't want a public announcement about her ailment, then that's really rude of you to tread there. 

If you want to do something to help her or her cause, do it discreetly.  Ask her how you can help her through this difficult time.  It has nothing to do with your wedding, nor should it. 

aprilweddingrainorshine

I agree with pp that this is tacky.  Nice thought, but bad follow through.  Give a donation directly to a charity from you and your fiance and call it a day.

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_xp-breast-cancer-donation-jar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:c4e38f78-597d-4203-9da8-2d339bd83278Post:abf15284-caee-4e56-8c7e-bbeb677bf08e">Re: XP: breast cancer donation jar</a>:
[QUOTE]Soccer, I think you like to post controversial stuff and see everyone get up in arms.  That's all I can remember about you around here. So, um.  Do whatever you want.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]


I'm like 98% sure this is the same chick who was saying college was a waste of time because she actually had to pay back her student loans. And later wanted to block somebody on Pinterest because they kept re-pinning her sh!t.

So ... um, yeah, if this is the same person, we're talking to a brick wall here, people, time to pack it up and accept that she will attempt to shake down her guests for donations and simultaneously shine a big ole' awkward spotlight on her aunt's recent (And probably still relatively private) diagnosis. Good job, OP, way to fail to understand that you're being ridiculous yet again.