Do you like his friends??

Sunshine5978

Hi all!

I'm new to the boards - been reading, but only posted a reply to one of them. 

I'm just wondering . . .what do you do when you can't stand one or two of your fiancee's friends?  I'm not just talking about during a wedding either.  What about in everyday life?  There are a couple people that he has been friends with that I really just ask myself "What were you thinking?"  One of them is a complete douche and cheats on his wife, thinks he has to babysit his OWN daughter, and basically is just stupid.  The other is a decent guy (recovering drug addict) and I like him for the most part, but since my fiancee has been laid off for about 7 months, he's been doing side jobs for this friend and this friend tends to shortchange him on the work my fiancee has done.  Before he was laid off, my fiancee would do work as a favor and for free (he's an excellent mechanic in his spare time), so maybe they got used to that?

I'm just wondering how to handle this!  I tell him all the time to go do stuff with the guys and he hasn't been lately, partly because he's been down about being laid off, but I can't help but think that maybe I have complained about his friends too much that he feels he can't go?  I've never said (and never will say) he can't hang out with someone or can't go here or there with his buddies, but I guess I Just need to know if I should tone it down because really, when one these guys is mentioned, my whole attitude takes a nosedive.  I can't stand it.

I hope this makes sense - please let me know how you all feel!!

Thanks so much and good luck to everyone!!
I

loop0406

First off, I think if you're going to marry someone you should accept them for who they are and for the choices they have made... if he has friends you don't like, that's fine but you shouldn't get an attitude when they are mentioned. Noone likes their friends to be frowned upon. If your fiance has done favors for free as a mechanic in spare time, that's his choice and you shouldn't be mad because his friends are still asking for the favors. That's really his choice to speak up or not.

If he hasn't been up to doing things with the guys it might have to do with being laid off. I've read about alot of men whose social life and activities decline because of lack of employment = lack of funds.

You don't like his friends but then you tell him to have guy time?  I personally think you should drop it, when he wants to go out and hang out, I'm sure he will.

bbyckes

I don't really know what you can do about liking or disliking his friends.  He is a big boy and can choose his own friends.  It's one thing if one of his friends is disrespecting you in some way, but they're not.

You can make judgment calls on his friends all day and all night, but at the end of the day, they're his friends.  I would definitely change my tone and reaction when his friends are mentioned.  This is probably not a battle that you're going to win.  Don't put anyone in a position when they have to choose between you and someone else. (Not saying that this is where this is leading).

Don't nag him about his friends.  Don't be "that girl."

bbyckes

Loop, just outta curiousity, why the bolded blue text?

[Deleted User]

I agree with bbcykes. I would talk to FI about this, but in no way should you be judging his friends. He is a big boy and can handle that himself. You don't have to like them, but just be respectful around them. I had a hard time with some of my FI's friends at first as well, and while I may not agee with some of the things they do in there personal lives, it still doesn't make them a lesser friend. Now that we live out of state, we both miss them a lot and I know that I could ask them to do anything for me.

erollis

I just avoid these (stupid friends) people like the plague. I let him know how I feel about the people I don't like. He does the same for me. He is a big boy and can make his own decisions in life. He has come to realise that some of these friends are not worth being with. Not because I said something to him. Because he finally realised what horrible people they actually are/ grew out of the friendship. Every time he walks out the door I tell him to be safe and how much I love him.

loop0406

Oh, I been bolding all day, sorry if it bothers you, I been using different colors here and there all day, adding color, lol. Sorry !

Sunshine5978

Thank you girls!  I really appreciate your input and you are right, I have no right to judge his friends.  Don't get me wrong, I am respectful and nice when I am around them as this was the way I was raised, but I tend to vent to him when they are not around and that's not right.  I guess I just see them differently than he does seeing as I am not as close to them as he is.  We all go camping and riding and everything so I get along with them to a certain degree, but I am definitely not going to be their best friend anytime in the near future.  Trust me, I've never made him make a choice between them and me (I would never do that).  I'll put on my happy face and go where they all want and do what they all want because it's important to him.

Also, you're right loop, he will go out and do what he wants when he wants to.  I guess I overstepped with trying to be the encouraging fiancee.  I want him to do stuff with his friends as the time apart is good sometimes, but also just so he can be a guy and talk about burps, farts, and god knows what else! :-) 

beckster5551

Sunshine, I had the same problem with FI and some of his friends. I pretty much sat down with him one day and told him how I felt. It really wasn't anything against the friend but more how he would act around him. It took me awhile to tell him this but now things have seemed to get better. 

HTH

[Deleted User]

DH has a few friends I'm not crazy about, but mainly because they're always drunk and actin like idiots, and they encourage him to act the same way. There is only 1 friend that I absolutely hate and said he is not welcome at my house, and DH gave in on that one. It stems back to a time when 'friend' thought DH and I were having sex (we weren't, we were just hanging out in bed together) and barged in the room, then stood there and said 'oops, didn't mean to sneak a peak' and continued to stand there like I was going to strip for him or something. DH put him in his place and thankfully the guy moved across the county a few months later after getting arrested and deciding to skip bail.

Sorry, got off on a rant there. As long as they aren't disrespecting you, or encouraging your FI to cheat or whatever, there's nothing you can do but bite your tongue. Constantly saying you hate them might cause resentment down the road. As for the shortchanging thing, if your FI wants and needs all the money he's earned then he needs to say so.

Kristin&eric

At first I didnt like his friend thats a girl, only bc she told him she didnt like me, so then i thought something was going on, they stopped talking i tried to get them to talk even though i didnt like her(FI never new that). Finally he starts being friends with her again and she makes these marks and finially I said something to FI and after awhile he told me he wanted us to get along. So I decided to go out to dinner. Honestly she just has opinions about everybody and is just very opinionated to everyone so i didnt take it personally anymore.

tommyandy

Invite all the friends you do like along with their SO to the house for movie night.  They each bring a dvd, everybody votes on which one to watch & everybody has cheap fun.  You could have a 'worst movie you own' night, too.  

  Serve chips & salsa or lazy nachos for snacks.  Lazy nachos are corn chips in a bowl next to a small crock-pot of a can of refried beans & a small brick of velveeta type cheese & a can of meat only chili with a packet of taco seasoning mix stirred together.  Store brand works just fine for these ingredients & are usually under $8.00 for everything including chips.

  If you do this once a month you will become the cool girlfriend/FI.  Once the weather cools off, have potluck supper on movie night or game night if FI is into sports.  HTH