.

akb3f7

Thanks for all your help ladies.

Before I'm done I just want to say:

I never meant to insult my FSIL. You all seemd to jump on the bandwagon of tearing me down, so thanks. I apologized for calling her figure "chunky". Perhaps if I had said curvy it would have gone down better. I didn't feel the need to sugar-coat anything. My bad. So sorry to use the wrong word and then to dare to apologize for it. Since I am myself "curvy/chunky/whatever" I didn't think anything of it. "Chunk" is not a nasty word in my family nor in FH's. I have never directed any of my frustration at my FSIL nor will I ever. All of the people who are actually here and who know me and FSIL would not suggest that I was mean to her. All I have ever shown her is love. Was I a little upset that FSIL is in my BP? Yes, but ONLY because I wanted a SMALL BP with the same number of attendants on both sides. It has nothing to do with FSIL as a person. I'm letting it go because I can't do anything about it now and it will make FH and FSIL happy. I have always been frustrated with how my FMIL handled the dress-shopping situation, not FSIL. It was frustrating to hear her complain about everything. Whatever, I'm over it. You all can hate me for it. Have a good time. Thankfully FMIL and FSIL have found a dress that they are both happy with. I gave up on everyone wearing different styles of dresses. Whatever. Not that important I guess. I'm just glad I'm not someone who wanted everyone to wear the same exact dress because I can only imagine how that would have gone down.

I have since talked to FMIL and I wish I had done that sooner versus talking to you lot. All I had to say was that the champagne color was almost identical to my ivory dress and she immediately and gratiously offered to get a new dress. I was very appreciative and apologetic and told her so. 

THANKS AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING REALLY

Peledreamsofrain

So... Tearing apart a 12 year old girl's body image won't go well on these boards. Also, why are you telling grown women who are not in your bridal party how to dress? They wear what they want, and trying to control something that banal will make you deserve the stress you get from it.

AJuliaNJ

1) I feel that you should first figure out who you want to invite, and then choose a place that will accommodate all of them, not the other way around. It's sad that you had to leave out aunts and uncles. Is it possible that you can put the rehearsal dinner money toward inviting your aunts, uncles, and the nail lady to your wedding? 

2) The dress is going to look so different on the 12 year old than your adult BM. People will not even realize it is the same dress. I'd just let her wear what she wants. It's not worth the stress. She'll look fine.

3) My mom was insisting that she gets to pick her dress first. I was lucky that they just picked completely different dresses and my mom ended up buying hers first because there was NO WAY I was telling either what to wear. If your mom wants to select a different dress because your MIL has something too similar, that's up to her. It's also okay for her to still buy the similar dress. Just tell them you are staying out of it and are sure they'll both look gorgeous.

4) There's not much you can do about this. Were you opposed to having her in the wedding? 

erinlin25

1) If In laws are covering the rehearsal dinner, it should be there budget, not yours.  They should pick the place and work on their budget; otherwise if you want something different then yes you should cover the difference.

2) a 12 year old will have a different shape than an adult--even if she is a "chunk."  You should have asked FMIL for a dress budget and picked a dress that suited that budget.  Not everyone wants to spend $150 on a dress they will wear once; and especially knowing she will have to add alterations on top of the $150, thats a lot of money--  I'd be pissed too!  And DB has very affordable dresses, so I'm sure 12 year old could pick a dress that is more suitable for a 12 year old so she is comfortable.  She can technically be a "Jr. Bridesmaid" and dress differently; no big deal.

3) adding the Nail Lady is extreme, I agree.  Did you tell your inlaws you can invite this many people?  If they are not paying for the wedding, then you could say sorry we cannot accomodate her-- but if they did not add that many people to your guest list to begin with, I'd let it go.  Maybe your family had a big guest list that could not accomodate aunts and uncles, but if her guest list was on the smaller side then it shouldn't matter who she adds if she is within how many guests you alloted her. 

To answer your question-- I do not think you sound like a bridezilla--yet, but I also think you could communicate better to your in laws and ASK them questions; rather than TELLING them. It sounds more like you are just frustrated...but if you asked for budgets for the dress and asked where they want to host the rehearsal dinner, you would not be this frustrated! 

Viczaesar

TXKristan, you're wrong. There is no etiquette rule about the mothers picking dresses. OP's mom can wear whatever she wants and so can OP's MIL, and nobody has priority.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-a-bridezilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d40a8377-bcfc-4adc-8099-938cca7f889fPost:e7e9cb17-44d8-4b9c-8ba5-91ffe558cd2e">Re: Am I a Bridezilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Am I a Bridezilla? : I got stuck right there.  You asked her to be in the WP, that does not give you the right to put down a 12 year old based on body shape. I could say more, but I'm biting my tongue.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]


And this. Wow.

nextrightthing

Yes, you are overreacting.  You are headed into bridezilla territory, but it is okay to vent here as long as you don't vent to the people involved.

RamonaFlowers

Aside from inviting the "Nail Lady", you're just being evil. Seriously.

lyndausvi

1a)    RD -   if the budget is not big enough for the plans, change the venue, change the menu, cut non-essential people off the list or and even better idea is YOU pay the difference.  Not your parents,  YOU.

1b)  because the nail lady and the RD are different subjects not related at all.    Tell the FMIL that there is no room for the nail lady.  Period.

2)  WOW-  there are many adults who do not want to spend $150 on a dress that in theory could wear again (although rarely to BM).   There are few 12 year olds who would be able to wear a dress again.   I can see why she is upset or just in denial..  The fact that is similar to your MOH is not a problem.  You are just making a mountain out of of a mole hill.

3)  While I think it's odd she would pick a similar dress, since your mom has not bought a dress she really can't claim one yet. Besides your OP said she sent you a picture of her trying on the dresses, not that she actually bought one.

4)   I have NO idea how this is relevant at all.   Complaining about a 12 year old because of the actions of the mother is a little misguided.  She didn't do anything wrong. Stop punishing her.

Beads921

Everything in your post related to dresses is bridezillaesque. Let it go. None of it really matters. 

I would like clarification on the nail lady though - did FMIL invite her to the RD or to the wedding? My response will be different depending on that factor. 

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-a-bridezilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:d40a8377-bcfc-4adc-8099-938cca7f889fPost:fead7d0d-6c2e-42b3-b1bb-75279cefeda4">Am I a Bridezilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]I need help figuring out A) if I am over-reacting and/or B) some consolation. My FMIL, who is usually very aggreeable and helpful (FH and I have been together for 4 yrs), is ticking me off every time she gets involved in the wedding. Here is what has happened thus far: <div>#1) FMIL and FFIL offered to pay for the rehersal dinner- which is great and a little unexpected because FH has been nearly 100% financially independent since he graduated high school. We appreciate it greatly. However, they have decided to only give us a certain amount that is about $200 short of what the bill will be. I would be ok with that, except that my mom will end up covering the difference. At the same time, FMIL added her NAIL LADY to the wedding guest list. Meanwhile, I am not inviting several of my uncles and aunts  to the wedding for various reasons, one of them being our guest list has swollen to the point where we will bearly fit in our venue. This is just the very very tip of the iceberg. </div><div>#2) I asked FH's 12 yr old half sister (FMIL) to be a bridesmaid, even though it will make our wedding party uneven and it adds an extra cost to my parent's bill. I mistakenly assumed that she would understand that I would want FSIL to wear the same kind of dress as the other bridesmaids. I decided on different cuts of dresses in the same fabric, color and length from David's bridal. First FMIL complains that none of the dresses fit her daughter well. <strong>Her daughter is a bit of a chunk.</strong> She did not fit in any of the jr bridesmaid's dresses so she has to wear an adult bridesmaid's dress. Suprise suprise that they don't fit a 12 yr old's chest area well. So then she complained about the fit. Then she started in about the price tag (~$150) and decided that she was just going to find something else in the "Same" fabric that was cheaper. A few days later she realized how hard that would be (even though I searched and found her a website where she could have a dress made with FSIL's exact measurements in a similar fabric for the same price and showing her that she may be able to get the DB jr bridesmaids dresses in a bigger size online). So then she decides to take FSIL to look at DB again and decides on a dress that is so similar to the one that MY sister picked out that I thought it was the same freaking dress. WTF? why couldn't she pick ANY other dress. The whole point was for the dresses to look similar color-wise but have a different shape.  </div><div>#3) FMIL told me weeks ago that she wanted me to let her know what my mother was wearing because they are built the same. I complied and forwarded an email to her of the two dresses my mom was looking at this morning. TWO hours later I get pictures of FMIL trying on two dresses that are almost FREAKING identical to one that my mom was looking at! I had to call my mom (who is emotionally distraught because she is currently going through a divorce) and ask her if she was OK with wearing her second choice because my FMIL couldn't seem to find a dress in a different color. </div><div>#4) On top of all of this, FH has confessed that he doesn't even care that his sister is in the wedding after pressing the issue early on. He is not having my brother as a groomsmen. I would never do something as crass as kick her out or say anything to FMIL- it's just good to have somewhere to vent.  I don't understand what is going on. FMIL is usually very easy going and accomodating. The dresses are the most irritating thing to me.  But seriously... her NAIL LADY?
Posted by akb3f7[/QUOTE]

</div><div>So you've never had any difficulty dressing your own body? Are your BMs all 5'9 models? This is not relevant.</div>

ciligirl

I am imagining how your FSIL felt during the whole dress shopping experience and am hoping it didn't go as bad as I think.  My 10 yo niece ended up needing a size 8 BM dress and I made DAMN sure she felt like the most beautiful little girl during the whole shopping experience.  It could be possible that FMIL was making a big deal about the price so FSIL would feel that was the issue of why she wasn't getting a dress, and not the fact that the dresses there didn't fit.  IMO, it is a lot more important that your BM's feel good about themselves than your vision on how they should look.  There is a very good chance that little girl was picking up on your frustration about the whole situation.  Kids are not stupid.  

akb3f7

First of all, "nail lady" was added well AFTER the venue was booked. Both FMIL and FStepMIL added people to the guest list without my knowledge AFTER the venue was booked, invitations were orderd, ETC. They told these people that they are invited. MY parents are paying for the wedding. I had to take some of my FAMILY off the guest list to accomodate guests like NAIL LADY and distant relatives that FH has never even met. While this has been frustrating, I accepted it because I did not rock the boat. If I seem "evil" it is probably because I have been uncomfortable with confronting any of the people actually involved with this and it has just been building up. I felt like I could come on here and just vent and maybe get some advice?. The problem with the rehersal dinner is that FMIL and FFIL said they would give us the money but have not offered or tried to help book. Actually I take that back, they strongly suggested a place that was over $500 over their own contribution. I can't pick up the slack there. After trial and error at many places, we found somewhere where I am hoping to bring that closer to $200 OB. I am not getting married in a HUGE city and there were not a lot of places to choose from. It is not an extravegant restaurant. Just a local italian place with a private room, which is FINE. So my mom will end up paying the difference.

Second of all, I am not a stick. I affectionately referred to FSIL as a "chunk" because I am one, too. I should have used a different term and I apologize if people are offended. I do not resent FSIL at all and I love her. I do resent that FMIL was unwilling to work with me on talking to DB to see if we could come up with a solution (preferably a dress that FMIL and FSIL were both comfortable with and from the SAME store as my other 4 bridesmaids in the SAME exact fabric and color) while I was in town and insisted on "looking elsewhere." It grated my nerves that she complained about the price. I understand that it is a lot for a dress, but she was unwilling to ask if DB could get the jr bridesmaids dresses in (which were cheaper) in FSIL's size. THEN she goes back to the same store later and manages to find the "perfect" dress. I don't understand why she couldn't have talked to me in the first place or why she wouldn't understand my anxiety over getting a dress from a different store when my color is hard to match and my mother was already freaking out about having different cuts of the dress.

FMIL bought the dress in "champagne" which is very similar to my IVORY dress, an hr after sending me the pic (while I was at work) and without hearing back from me. I am not sure what to do here but I am considering calling her and telling her that I am uncomfortable with her wearing a color that is so close to the color of my dress. 

#4 is just frustrating because FSIL would probably not be a bridesmaid if FH had not insisted. I love FSIL, but I had wanted a small wedding party with just my sister and 2 best friends. This would have decreased costs for my parents dramatically. Now I have to deal with all this dress drama that I didn't want in the first place. 

akb3f7

By the way, I never said or did ANYTHING to put my FSIL down during the shopping experience. HER MOTHER was the one who didn't like ANYTHING we put on her and told her exactly what she thought. I helped FSIL into every dress and was sure to ask her which one she LIKED and listened to every thing she said. HAPPILY. I could be a brat and tell her EXACTLY which dress to wear, no exceptions but I DIDNT. Instead FSIL and her mother had more dresses to choose from than the rest of my bridesmaids. I am frustrated at the way FMIL has handled this situation: A) Expecting the bridesmaid's dresses to fit perfectly Not talking to the DB consultant about the jr dresses C) Throwing a fit infront of my mother about how expensive the bridesmaid dresses were D) Demanding to look "elsewhere" E) Shooting down everything that I emailed her that was along the lines of what FSIL liked and in her size (even if it was a slightly different fabric F) Miraculously finding the "perfect" dress at DB later when I was back home (fine except I don't understand why this couldn't happen before?) G) Picking a style so similar to my sister's (MOH)- not that big of a deal,  I guess. 

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-a-bridezilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:d40a8377-bcfc-4adc-8099-938cca7f889fPost:4dced126-ddc8-466d-ac7e-c524b2170085">Re: Am I a Bridezilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, "nail lady" was added well AFTER the venue was booked. Both FMIL and FStepMIL added people to the guest list without my knowledge AFTER the venue was booked, invitations were orderd, ETC. They told these people that they are invited. MY parents are paying for the wedding. I had to take some of my FAMILY off the guest list to accomodate guests like NAIL LADY and distant relatives that FH has never even met. While this has been frustrating, I accepted it because I did not rock the boat. If I seem "evil" it is probably because I have been uncomfortable with confronting any of the people actually involved with this and it has just been building up. I felt like I could come on here and just vent and maybe get some advice?. The problem with the rehersal dinner is that FMIL and FFIL said they would give us the money but have not offered or tried to help book. Actually I take that back, they strongly suggested a place that was over $500 over their own contribution. I can't pick up the slack there. After trial and error at many places, we found somewhere where I am hoping to bring that closer to $200 OB. I am not getting married in a HUGE city and there were not a lot of places to choose from. It is not an extravegant restaurant. Just a local italian place with a private room, which is FINE. So my mom will end up paying the difference. Second of all, I am not a stick. I affectionately referred to FSIL as a "chunk" because I am one, too. I should have used a different term and I apologize if people are offended. I do not resent FSIL at all and I love her. I do resent that FMIL was unwilling to work with me on talking to DB to see if we could come up with a solution (preferably a dress that FMIL and FSIL were both comfortable with and from the SAME store as my other 4 bridesmaids in the SAME exact fabric and color) while I was in town and insisted on "looking elsewhere." It grated my nerves that she complained about the price. I understand that it is a lot for a dress, but she was unwilling to ask if DB could get the jr bridesmaids dresses in (which were cheaper) in FSIL's size. THEN she goes back to the same store later and manages to find the "perfect" dress. I don't understand why she couldn't have talked to me in the first place or why she wouldn't understand my anxiety over getting a dress from a different store when my color is hard to match and my mother was already freaking out about having different cuts of the dress. FMIL bought the dress in "champagne" which is very similar to my IVORY dress, an hr after sending me the pic (while I was at work) and without hearing back from me. I am not sure what to do here but I am considering calling her and telling her that I am uncomfortable with her wearing a color that is so close to the color of my dress.  #4 is just frustrating because FSIL would probably not be a bridesmaid if FH had not insisted. I love FSIL, but I had wanted a small wedding party with just my sister and 2 best friends. This would have decreased costs for my parents dramatically. Now I have to deal with all this dress drama that I didn't want in the first place. <div><span style="line-height:14px;font-family:Arial;font-size:11.818181991577148px;background-color:#ffffff;">
</span></div><div><span style="line-height:14px;font-family:Arial;font-size:11.818181991577148px;background-color:#ffffff;">By the way, I never said or did ANYTHING to put my FSIL down during the shopping experience. HER MOTHER was the one who didn't like ANYTHING we put on her and told her exactly what she thought. I helped FSIL into every dress and was sure to ask her which one she LIKED and listened to every thing she said. HAPPILY. I could be a brat and tell her EXACTLY which dress to wear, no exceptions but I DIDNT. Instead FSIL and her mother had more dresses to choose from than the rest of my bridesmaids. I am frustrated at the way FMIL has handled this situation: A) Expecting the bridesmaid's dresses to fit perfectly B) Not talking to the DB consultant about the jr dresses C) Throwing a fit infront of my mother about how expensive the bridesmaid dresses were D) Demanding to look "elsewhere" E) Shooting down everything that I emailed her that was along the lines of what FSIL liked and in her size (even if it was a slightly different fabric F) Miraculously finding the "perfect" dress at DB later when I was back home (fine except I don't understand why this couldn't happen before?) G) Picking a style </span><strong style="line-height:14px;background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:11.818181991577148px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">so</strong><span style="line-height:14px;font-family:Arial;font-size:11.818181991577148px;background-color:#ffffff;">similar to my sister's (MOH)- not that big of a deal,  I guess.</span><div>Posted by akb3f7[/QUOTE]</div><div><div>
</div><div>JIC</div><div>
</div><div>OP, as a PP suggested go re-read your post and think about it from the point of view of a complete stranger. You do unfortunately sound like a woman in bridezilla territory.</div><div>
</div><div>Your comment about your FSIL did not sound affectionate at all. In fact, it sounded like you were upset because she's "a chunk" and none of the dresses we working. You never mentioned that you empathized with FSIL. These things would have been beneficial to know as an outside party.</div><div>
</div><div>I think that you and FI need to sit down and go over the guestlist again (with your parents if they are paying) and make some changes. Let FMIL know that her nail lady cannot be accomodated and stand your ground.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA:  I don't know why it's formatting weirdly.

</div></div></div>

ciligirl

AKB- I think maybe in your OP you were trying to keep your vent brief and because of that not everyone got the gist of you FMIL behavior or the fact that you were on your FSIL side of finding her a dress she liked.

FIL can not just add people.  Unfortunately, you have to address this issue.  If FIL's were given a certain # of guests then they need to stick to that amount.  So if she wants the nail lady over someone else that is on her side so be it but she shouldn't trump someone in your family.

From someone who has dealt with a truly difficult MIL, I feel some of your pain. 

J&K10910

Bridezilla is not the word I would use.

Unfortunately, I think some of your gripes are legit, but the way you're acting towards a 12 year old girl that is about to become part of your family is going to make everything else look bad on you.  I think you should take a look at your attitude and then reevaluate your concerns.

beardownbchs

Ugh, I cannot stand when someone sits around and complains about everything but does nothing to fix it. 

All these problems seem to be self-inflicted. Had you told your FI that you don't want his sister in the wedding party, you wouldn't have had the FMIL and dress issues. If you wanted her in the wedding party, you should have asked your FMIL what her budget was for the dress, not picked some out and assumed that she could afford it. Had you told your FMIL that the guest list was final and that she couldn't invite her manicurist, you wouldn't have to deal with that. Had you told your FMIL just to wear whatever she felt comfortable in and not sent her any pictures, she probably wouldn't have looked at the same dresses. 

You seem to bring up "now my parents have to pay for that too!" a lot and you seem to be upset about this. Why don't you make up the difference for the rehearsal dinner and the other extra expenses?

akb3f7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-a-bridezilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:d40a8377-bcfc-4adc-8099-938cca7f889fPost:c429cb32-d8ff-46db-8752-2bd5329247db">Re: Am I a Bridezilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]1). The nail lady seems like much, but it's only one person. Are your parents paying for the wedding? Have you & FI evaluated the proportions for the guest list by family? If your parents are paying and she has more guests, I would talk to your fiancé about this. If it is just one person, I'd let it slide as a goodwill gesture. If she gets her nails done weekly, there is a good chance she's developed a bond with this woman and sees her as a friend. 2). I can appreciate the embarrassment a 12 year old girl is going through to find a dress to fit her body shape (especially with a mom like that) People really won't notice; I'd let this slide. 3). This is where I'd out your foot down. Etiquette states the MOB picks out her dress first. Tell you FMIL that out of respect for your mom, you'd like to stick the traditional etiquette and let your mom find a dress first. Reassure her that there will be enough time for her to order hers. 4). We're here to listen to you vent. It's stressful and frustrating. I'm sure your FSIL is happy to be one of the girls. Think back to when you were 12 (especially if you had an awkward figure). You're doing something kind to help her feel included and pretty. I'm sure she looks up to you. Hang in there!!
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Thanks for being the only one who addressed my concerns rather than biting my head off because of my ill-advised rhetoric. </div>

AddieCake

OP, the only reason I read this thread was b/c it had a "." as a title. Don't do that; you are only calling attention to it. 

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-a-bridezilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:d40a8377-bcfc-4adc-8099-938cca7f889fPost:7f4a0796-cd6c-4640-a7cb-f172801599cf">Re:Am I a Bridezilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Am I a Bridezilla?:TXKristan, you're wrong. There is no etiquette rule about the mothers picking dresses. OP's mom can wear whatever she wants and so can OP's MIL, and nobody has priority. Posted by Viczaesar That must be something unique to the circles I'm in. When my brother got married, my mom waited to go dress shopping until the MOB had hers. At that time, she picked out the dress for my wedding. My MIL asked her for pictures before she went shopping. ETA: I had no involvement with the mom's dresses at my wedding. My mom asked for my opinion on which one looks best on her, but the decision was ultimately hers.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]
That's tradition, not etiquette.  Not the same thing.