New Hampshire

WR Vent/Advice Needed...

Sorry in advance if this ends up being long... I tend to ramble when I'm frustrated...So we are coming into the home stretch now (8 days til the wedding) and things seemed to be all coming together finally.  Two days ago though, FI got a text message from his best man that just said "having some anxiety, hoping you can find someone else to make a speech, call you later" and that was it.  So we waited 2 days for this phone call to find out what was going on, and even called him and left him a message and finally got a phone call at 8:00 o'clock this morning.  FI talked to him and he literally said he could do the speech, but would have a much better time if he didn't have to do it.  So now FI is put in a miserable situation because, A) his best friend won't stand up for 30 seconds to make a toast to him, and B) he feels like another groomsman will feel like 2nd string if we ask him to do it instead.  I have offered to take care of it because I can tell that FI is really hurt by the whole thing, but I just want to get all of your opinions on the whole thing.  My initial feeling is I'm angry for FI... its 8 days before his wedding, his groomsmen are supposed to be alleviating stress, not causing it!  Regardless though, do you think its terrible to explain the situation to another groomsman (this groomsman, FI, and the best man are all together all the time) and see if he will do the toast instead?  Thanks for the help and the chance to vent!!!!

Re: WR Vent/Advice Needed...

  • edited December 2011
    While I agree that the best man should "man up", I think it's actually better that he's brought this up ahead of time and doesn't leave the reception hanging and take everyone by complete surprise. If the three guys are all close friends, I don't think it would be a huge deal to ask the other GM to make the speech. It would be extremely uncomfortable for everyone there to have a bad/anxious speaker during a key speech. It's worth discussing, but make the best man part of the discussion with the other GM that would fill in. What a cruddy situation. Sorry!
    Christina 10.26.08
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  • edited December 2011
    Long response: While I can sympathize that your feelings are hurt - I think you both need to remember why this person was asked to be BM in the first place. He was asked, I assume, because he is your FI's best friend. Does your FI want his friend to feel anxious/uncomfortable? My guess is no but sometimes our own hurt feelings block our ability to see how uncomfortable our loved ones are. That being said, I am SURE that FI's GMs would be honored to give a toast at your wedding. What about FI's dad? My DH's dad gave a toast/blessing at our wedding and it was beautiful. I also think it would be really inappropriate for you to be the one to "take care of it". Simply have FI call up his GM and tell him that he would really like it if he would give a toast at the wedding. I like what YB said - the 3 guys can even sit down and talk about it. I remember what those last 8 days felt like but do your best to take a deep breath. So many things are going to come up over the next week. Also, in all of the weddings I have been involved in the BM has put finishing touches on the speech (or even written the entire thing) the night before the wedding. Men work on a completely different "timeline" than women so try not to look at it as "he only has 8 days to write this thing".DH's brother sat up late the night before our wedding and wrote the remainder of his speech in our living room - it was perfect!GL!
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  • ninnypooperninnypooper
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    We had a lot of issues dealing with DH's BM leading up to the wedding. When we finally found out he was definitely going to be able to attend the wedding he made it seem like he was making a speech at the wedding. Mind you, I barely knew/know DH's BM and wasn't sure if he could even make much of a speech. I let that slide and figured if he wanted to do it, then great. We had asked my brother, a GM to be a back up just in case. Well, in the limo on the way to the reception, each of our BP members were toasting us and when it got to him he started with the following: "Well, since Tom doesn't want me to make a speech at the wedding since I don't really know Ninny...." Yeah, super uncomfortable and I had NO idea what was going on and neither did DH. So, my brother, a fellow GM, came up with something on the spot and we had to tell the DJ when we arrived. With that all being said, I don't think it's bad to ask another GM or FI's Dad, etc. I mean, if he's nervous enough to say something now about making te speech, then I say just ask someone else. They won't feel second rate because traditionally the BM does it anyways, if that makes any sense. I would also leave it up to FI to talk to his BP and BM about it, etc. GL!
  • edited December 2011
    DH's oldest cousin was supposed to be the best man but refused to give a speech... so his younger cousin stepped up to the plate and handled all of those responsibilities... i agree with everyone else... your FI should be the one handling it, and in the end -- it will all work out! the speeches are a small part of YOUR day, so try not to stress out too much about it! guys also don't take things that personally (well most guys), so i think another GM would feel more honored about doing it than feeling like the fall back guy.
  • edited December 2011
    They say that standing up in front of people and having all eyes on you is the biggest stresser for shy people. I feel that a talk with the next man in line is the best way to approach this. Guys don't think like girls do and the next to the best friend won't feel like he's number 2 - like a dropped out matron of honor would. Girls and guys are built differently.
  • edited December 2011
    I fully agree with what the girls have said so far, but just wanted to add another possibility.  Your MOH could do a speech/toast too.  There are no rules that need to be followed these days, so find someone special to give the toast, and be glad that the BM was honest enough to tell you ahead of time.  If he would be as uncomfortable as he says he would be, it would be a disaster anyway.  Bullet dodged. 
  • brandyleighxxbrandyleighxx
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I understand that it can be perceived as hurtful and stressful for your FI that the guy he chose as his best man won't stand up for him for a minute to make a speech but you have to understand where this guy is coming from. This is a big day for him too, I would hope, seeing that one of his good friends is having the most important day of his life. He wants to hang out and have a good time too and if making a speech has caused him this much anxiety - maybe you better let this one go. I would much rather my wedding party have a good time and be comfortable than to stress over a speech and be nervous the whole day which could cause him to trip up in other parts of the ceremony being so stressed. I would have a hard time being angry at this guy. My FI is the same way - the thought of being in the spotlight and making a public speech terrifies him so we've decide to nix any toasts/speeches from ourselves. Sucks.. but I want everyone to be comfortable and feel good.I think you should simply pose the option to all of your wedding party.. send out a text message or e-mail or facebook post asking who would like to make a toast at the reception and just let your reception coordinator or DJ know to set aside an appropriate amount of time.Best of luck.
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