nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*

FutureMrsBoucher

Ok, so neither FI nor I are virgins, but both of us decided a while before we even met each other that we didn't like the idea of sex outside of marriage because of emotional baggage that comes with it. I lost my v-card to my ex-fiance and our relationship dissolved (there wasn't much there to begin with) and any guy I slept with after that I became way too emotionally attached to. By the time we get married, it will have been over 3 years since I've been with someone, and around 4 for him. The most we've ever done is make out, clothes totally on, no touchy-feely. It's true that part of the reason we haven't (and won't until we're married) slept together is religious conviction, but also we individually decided that sleeping with someone before marriage is just not what we want. Believe me, I'm definitely looking forward to hopping into bed on our wedding night 

That being said, I'm terrified, too! I'm as nervous as I would imagine any virgin to be. I'm scared he's going to take one look at me and say, "Ew! I married that? Get me a refund!" Which is weird, because he's seen me in a bikini when I was outside tanning with my roommates, and he certainly didn't say EW then. I'm working out hardcore, even though he says he's happy with me just the way I am. I'm also scared that I'm not going to be able to, er.... make him happy. Any suggestions on how to get over this? Who else waited until their wedding night?

Lakerchic7272

I am right there with you.  Pretty much same story. Except FI and I kept having this converstation where we both agreed that we would have waited until marriage, but we never did anything about it.  So finally on day (about 1.5 years before the wedding) we said enough was enough and we decided that while its still not perfect and we still have regrets over past actions, we could and would wait until the wedding night.

So for us this is really hard, because we have been with each other, but have chosen to stop and wait for whats right.  That being said, I know he won't say EW. And I know your FI wont say EW either.  But it still makes me kind of nervous.  I'm sure it will be fine however, and probably puts less pressure on us than a lot of girls have to have the best $3x ever on their wedding nights.  Think of it this way... our FIs will just be happy to be with us....

Any already married ladies to weigh in on these girls fears (including mine- because as much as i want to say im not a little nervous, I am)

SarahPLiz

Lots of people.. Id venture to say most people.. don't have the best sex ever on their wedding night. They are tired, worn out, overstimulated, and then over-pressured. Don't put that pressure on yourself or him to be mindblowing, because you might be disappointed. Just go with the flow and be relaxed and take comfort that this will be your last first time ever!

Oh, and don't get all self-conscious. Most guys I know actually love a bit of imperfection because it makes THEM less self conscious.

FutureMrsBoucher

lakerchic7272 good for you guys! i know how hard it is when you've been without. I really admire you two for making that decision. I'm glad we've been able to stick it out, and to be completely honest, if he was not on leadership at our Christian University we probably would have by now. Sometimes it's hard not to just rip everything off and say, "take me!" lol. But he's very honest and stays accountable with his pastor/mentor and also with his RA's. Technically, kissing at our school is forbidden; however, his RA's and pastor know that we kiss, and they're ok with that, as long as that is all that happens. Also, he lives on campus and I live off-campus, and he has curfew, so no spending the night, which makes it easier. Also, he goes on a lot of trips back home and mission trips and this summer an internship, so every couple months he's gone for about a week or so, and then over the summer we're apart pretty much the whole summer, so it makes it easier (though distance is never fun). 

I'm sure it's going to be an awesome, if awkward, wedding night... yay! I'm just nervous!

Edit: Thanks, SarahPLiz!

Huskerfanz

DH and I were both virgins when we got married.  PP was right, we were both tired that night so it wasn't the best sex ever.  I wasn't really nervous about what DH would think, I guess.  He was pretty happy, though.   Maybe you could get a new nightie or something to help with your confidence.  I got a bikini wax which helped me.  I promise you that he won't be dissapointed regardless of what you do.  Just have realistic expecations. 

[Deleted User]

I've never understood people who wait until marriage to have sex, especially those who have already had it (kind of a 'that ship has sailed' kind of thing, doesn't make sense). But then again, I've never been to church and definitely can't comprehend the religious side of it. Is it a guilt thing, like the religon makes you feel bad about yourself for having sex before marriage?

To me, intimacy is a huge part of relationships. It shouldn't have the huge influence that it does, but it's there nonetheless. If you aren't compatible with someone sexually, the relationship won't last, so why leave it to chance? I'm not trying to change your mind or anything, I just don't get it.

Lakerchic7272

Mrs.FutureBouche:  I totally understand!  Its so hard! But FI and I live on opposite end of campus, so you're right! Its really helpful. Acutally, we will be the first married couple in 15-20 years on campus next year.  He is an RA, and will be again next year.  Its kinda cool, except the part where the day after the wedding we will be headed back to school for his training.

Huskerfanz & SaraPLiz: Thanks for the realistic advice.  I know I will be opting fo a little nighty that has a pair of panties and a bra type thing that comes down and gives me a bit of coverage in the tummy area.  The tummy is always my selfconscience part.  I was even a swimmer in HS, but I won't ever wear a bikini, (usually not even a 2 piece).  I asked him once what he thought.  And he said that he didn't care if I just had on a pair of cute panties (because I plan not to wear a bra, im pretty small, and my dress will need some helping out of).  He also said that if I chose to change into something a little more risque, that it should be really simple as not to add any more pressure.

Lakerchic7272

Seshat:  For us it was a religion thing.  Intamacy is something that we believe belongs within a marriage only.  Its kind of an upholding of the standards of marriage that  a lot of society has let go of.  Its not a choice made lightly, and its not the right choice for every one, but it was for us.  We felt that outside of marriage we were not ready to have that intamacy or some of the consequencces that could result. HTH.

edit: Now I do agree that, when couples refrain like  just a couple weeks before so that the night of is better, that is silly (IMO only)

FutureMrsBoucher

Huskerfanz - thanks! my friend is throwing me a lingerie party, so i'm sure i'll get a lot of good things from that [: hopefully it will help!!

Seshat411 - it's not a guilt thing. it's hard to explain if you're not Christian. not that i'm better than anyone else, it's just that as a Christian, the "rules" that i follow i don't follow out of obligation, but because i love God and believe that He knows what is best for me, so since He says no sex outside of marriage (even though i've broken that, i belive that He forgives and forgets and gives me a clean slate), that means no sex outside of marriage for us, especially since we both believe that. true, the fact that we've already been there (though not with each other) does make it harder to stick to the decision we've made, but we're sticking to it!

i agree whole-heartedly that a relationship with no intimacy is hardly a relationship. however, i believe that there is more than just physical intimacy. our spiritual and emotional intimacy amaze me. to me, those are more important than physical intimacy. so far as being physically compatible, after 1 1/2 years i still get butterflies and sparks fly when he kisses me, so i'm really not worried about that. i know it won't be "perfect" the first time, but practice makes perfect! haha!

**disclaimer** i am only giving my personal reasons and beliefs as to why FI and i have decided against sex before marriage. it is in no way meant to be forced on others or to represent other opinions beside our own. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:7a0fac99-7e22-40d5-9652-e5f5950881ac">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]Seshat:  For us it was a religion thing.  Intamacy is something that we believe belongs within a marriage only.  Its kind of an upholding of the standards of marriage that  a lot of society has let go of.  Its not a choice made lightly, and its not the right choice for every one, but it was for us.  We felt that outside of marriage we were not ready to have that intamacy or some of the consequencces that could result. HTH. edit: Now I do agree that, when couples refrain like  just a couple weeks before so that the night of is better, that is silly (IMO only)
Posted by Lakerchic7272[/QUOTE]

I agree that society seems to have let go of certain standards pertaining to marriage, and I certainly don't advocate people sleeping around. And, I know that my lack of religious knowledge makes me completely unable to see that point of view. I just find it odd that people wouldn't take that step before marriage to ensure they truly are compatible in that way.

And because a lot of people seem to think (not here, but in real life) that having these views means I'm a fan of sleeping around, I'm going to go ahead and throw it out there that my FI is the only guy I've been with. I just got lucky that my first was the one I fell in love with and wanted to marry.

aggiebug

Seshat. From a Protestant Christian perspective.  The religious aspect of abstaining is not about the religion making you feel guilty.  Yes it is considered a sin, but it is no worse than judging someone else's actions or saying profanity.  We are forgiven of our sins through God's grace, not through our guilt.  All Christians sin and no sin is more ok than the next, so I guess there could be self endowed guilt, but its not our faith that impresses that guilt on us. 

For me I also believe that non sexual intimacy is a more lasting and enduring intimacy for a marriage.  Yes sex is an important part of a marriage, but friendship and intellectual intimacy can endure a lot more than sexual intimacy can.  If you start having sex it can easily become the focus of a relationship and limit the other areas for your relationship to grow, so for me it was important to build a foundation in friendship and religious intimacy before sex became a part of our relationship.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:11fe14da-588f-495a-aeeb-30f7bb17ef71">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]Seshat411 - it's not a guilt thing. it's hard to explain if you're not Christian. not that i'm better than anyone else, it's just that as a Christian, the "rules" that i follow i don't follow out of obligation, but because i love God and believe that He knows what is best for me, so since He says no sex outside of marriage (even though i've broken that, i belive that He forgives and forgets and gives me a clean slate), that means no sex outside of marriage for us, especially since we both believe that. true, the fact that we've already been there (though not with each other) does make it harder to stick to the decision we've made, but we're sticking to it! i agree whole-heartedly that a relationship with no intimacy is hardly a relationship. however, i believe that there is more than just physical intimacy. our spiritual and emotional intimacy amaze me. to me, those are more important than physical intimacy. so far as being physically compatible, after 1 1/2 years i still get butterflies and sparks fly when he kisses me, so i'm really not worried about that. i know it won't be "perfect" the first time, but practice makes perfect! haha! **disclaimer** i am only giving my personal reasons and beliefs as to why FI and i have decided against sex before marriage. it is in no way meant to be forced on others or to represent other opinions beside our own. 
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]

I do understand the 'saving yourself' aspect of it because, for myself, I like knowing that my FI is the only guy who gets to be with me, ever (not counting the a-hole who decided not to take 'no' for answer, but I believe it is my right not to count him). The religion side of it I don't get, and yeah, it's pretty hard to explain it to someone like me, so I won't make you try.

I think the fact that you've already been there threw me, as far as why you'd want to wait this time. Plus, you're what, 7 months away from getting married? I'd say you're close enough :). But yeah, seeing as how you get butterflies and sparks when you kiss, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I still get that with FI three and a half years later, so hopefully that means we're on the right track!

aggiebug

oh and OP don't worry everything will be ok and he will think you are beautiful!  It sounds more like you aren't 100% satisfied with yourself and want to be perfect for FI.  Don't worry just enjoy it

oh and I like what you had to say about your faith.  It is so hard to describe it.

Lakerchic7272

Seshat: I would in no way think that you are a fan of sleeping around  and its great that the first guy that you fell in love with is the one.  But for most girls, its not that way.  Just like how to handle finances, its a personal desicion thats between you, your FI (and your god)...  I agree with how anniebug and futuremrsbouche said things... they explained welll.

And as for the butterflies   FI and I still like to pretend we don't know each other when I see him around other people and ill ask a mutal friend for "that cute guy's" phone number.  Its kinda fun, I always still love to run right up to him and give him a GIANT hug when ever I see him, as if we were in middle school

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:607260d4-8ace-4283-a20f-87d58f390df2">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]Seshat.  For me I also believe that non sexual intimacy is a more lasting and enduring intimacy for a marriage.  Yes sex is an important part of a marriage, but friendship and intellectual intimacy can endure a lot more than sexual intimacy can.  If you start having sex it can easily become the focus of a relationship and limit the other areas for your relationship to grow, so for me it was important to build a foundation in friendship and religious intimacy before sex became a part of our relationship.
Posted by aggiebug[/QUOTE]

I think sex only becomes the main focus if you let it. I agree that friendship, intellectual intimacy, loyalty, all that are more important. But I also feel that if you enjoy that part of your relationship, then there's no reason to wait for the physical aspect. However, you have to work to make sure you maintain the non-physical components whether you're married or not.

aggiebug

I do agree with you seshat.  I have just seen so many relationships focus on the wrong aspects of a relationship.  My brother and BFF both got into realtionships centered around sexual intamacy instead of other important aspects its just so easy to focus on that since it feels good. I feel like abstaining is actually the easier way to let a relationship grow then it can be added to make a great relationship wonderful.  I by no means think a relationship is doomed if you don't wait, it just is not what I wanted to do.

FutureMrsBoucher

seshat -  i think that it is wonderful that your FI is your first and only! by no means do i assume that just because someone doesn't wait until marriage that they are prone to sleep around. that's an awful assumption! i have no rights to point any fingers at anyone but myself...

aggiebug - thanks! i like your explanation, too [:

lakerchic  - that's sooooo super cute! *hehe* i totally get all giggly and middle-school girl all the time [:

FutureMrsBoucher

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:7cc537b0-47d2-429c-b6ca-bd280484b1a2">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]I do agree with you seshat.  I have just seen so many relationships focus on the wrong aspects of a relationship.  <strong>My brother and BFF both got into realtionships centered around sexual intamacy instead of other important aspects its just so easy to focus on that since it feels good. </strong>I feel like abstaining is actually the easier way to let a relationship grow then it can be added to make a great relationship wonderful. <strong> I by no means think a relationship is doomed if you don't wait, it just is not what I wanted to do.</strong>
Posted by aggiebug[/QUOTE]

<div><span style="font-weight:bold;" class="Apple-style-span">My brother and BFF both got into realtionships centered around sexual intamacy instead of other important aspects its just so easy to focus on that since it feels good. </span>i've been in those relationships myself. that became the focus (or was the only focus to begin with) and they never lasted. </div><div>
</div><div><span style="font-weight:bold;" class="Apple-style-span"> I by no means think a relationship is doomed if you don't wait, it just is not what I wanted to do. </span>amen and amen! i totally agree with this statement!</div>

fiddle14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:070280c3-b984-4bad-9c94-9546b48cf360">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]Lots of people.. Id venture to say most people.. don't have the best sex ever on their wedding night. They are tired, worn out, overstimulated, and then over-pressured. Don't put that pressure on yourself or him to be mindblowing, because you might be disappointed. Just go with the flow and be relaxed and take comfort that this will be your last first time ever! Oh, and don't get all self-conscious. Most guys I know actually love a bit of imperfection because it makes THEM less self conscious.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

I'd totally agree with this.  By the time DH and I got through everything on our wedding day, all we wanted to do was SLEEP.   :-)   I wouldn't pressure yourselves on the wedding night - It's okay to crash and wait until the next day when you've had some rest!

pandasquishy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:a93e7d03-0690-4e57-b377-62b8a6f696f0">nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm also scared that I'm not going to be able to, er.... make him happy. Any suggestions on how to get over this? Who else waited until their wedding night?
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You have a lifetime to figure out how "to, er..., make him happy."</div><div>
</div><div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">We had a very similar situation to yours and we essentially waited until wedding night (tried a couples times before and failed).  Because it had been years between, it was painful for me (not saying it will be for you) but if it is, just take it slow and everything will work itself out.</div></span>
</div>

pandasquishy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:75c80629-891c-414f-a864-6cd2be7eba69">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]RJust as a fun aside, we do believe that Jesus was real and was a Buddha, which is basically the highest level of enlightenment.  Siddartha-Buddha is the most commonly refered-to Buddha and the founder of the religion, but there have been many, many enlightened individuals who graced us with their teachings throughout history.
Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I didn't know that, thanks for sharing!

</div>

happyfacesclan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:75c80629-891c-414f-a864-6cd2be7eba69">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]REALLY glad I read that, as I have never understood the waiting for marriage thing and I think a series of PPs explained it really well! As a Buddhist, marriage doesn't really have much meaning to it, aside from the societal benefits.  I don't feel guilty about my sexual relationship with my FI, so I have always had a hard time grasping why I "should" from a Christian perspective. Buddhism does not have any gods or high power worshiping, but rather we believe that everyone contains divine wisdom, some people just have an easier time accessing and articulating it, and we follow their teachings because we trust their realizations.  So I get trusting that God has set these rules for His people for a reason and that you follow them because you love and trust Him.  That makes a lot more sense then feeling guilty over archaic laws! Just as a fun aside, we do believe that Jesus was real and was a Buddha, which is basically the highest level of enlightenment.  Siddartha-Buddha is the most commonly refered-to Buddha and the founder of the religion, but there have been many, many enlightened individuals who graced us with their teachings throughout history.
Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]

Nefarious, thank you for this! That's a lovely explanation of Buddhism.  This sparked a speculative glint in my eye towards Buddhism.  It seems to explain a lot of what I believe. 

Marriage has a very different meaning in this society than one explained in the bible.  I much prefer following a voice of wisdom, from inside or from a higher being that may or may not present themselves to me, than following an archaic rule that was a set given for a certain people in a certain place at a certain time.

If celibacy is in the footsteps of happiness, for you and yours, then it is right for you.  Guilt has no place there, nor does fear of perfection (i.e.; body isn't perfect, sex may not be perfect the first time with the lover, etc).

lyricweaver

This is an absolutely fabulous thread!  I love reading about everyone's perspectives and understanding why you feel the way you do about this subject.  To the ladies who are still virgins, I think that's great, I commend you!  Personally, my FI and I have been very intimate without going 'all the way', but we still decided to abstain from that months ago, even before he proposed.  We wanted to focus on the emotional aspects of our relationship more.  It was hard at first, but the more time went by the easier it got.  I've been so preoccupied with planning and keeping busy (and he's so busy with home improvements, etc.) that it's quite easy for us to abstain nowadays: We actually both have fears that the same passion we initially had won't be there when the wedding night comes because it's been so long!  So we're both nervous!  I'm sure it will be wonderful and romantic all the same, after all the desire is still there.  It's just been a while

You're not alone!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:34d620f1-0a92-4273-b62e-830b25ccf650">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]Btw, Seshat, I'm in a sort of similar boat.  Not quite the same boat, but similar.  The first man to ever show me that sex could be pleasurable and not painful, the one who made me feel satisfied for the first time, is the man I fell in love with.
Posted by happyfacesclan[/QUOTE]

Same here. I knew my FI was the one for me when he said he wasn't going to go any faster than I wanted to, and actually meant it. I got to call all the shots when it came to the bedroom, which was what I needed (I actually dreaded dating and relationships because I knew guys would expect sex).
 
Poor guy hadn't had any in over a year by the time we met, yet waited patiently for like a month when we started dating. I landed myself quite the gentleman. We joke about it now, but back then it was what really attracted me to him and made me feel safe.

Moscow04

Wow it's so neat to see all the different perspectives.  And I'm glad i'm not the only virgin here.  My FI and I are both virgins and waiting for our wedding night as well.  We are both Christians and view it as God's protection to obstain from sex before marriage.  We are intimate in other ways of course because we wanted our relationship to focus on the foundation of a marriage and the physcial would come later (marriage)  We both made this commitment to ourselves when we were very young and stood by it knowing that it was in our best interest to do so.  I don't think it's a "rule" however there is a reason that it was written.  I didn't want to give parts of me to any man other than my FH this way I'm able to give him my whole heart and all of me physcially. And he will do the same.  Which I think is the best gift of all. In no way would I ever push or force this on anybody else but this was what we both prayed about and felt that it would make our wedding night all the more special.  Also since we are virgins, neither one of us has anything to compare it to so I def don't think we'll have problems in the bedroom.  We will learn together how to make eachother happy in that area.  I don't think I'll ever look back and say "geez i wish we would have had sex first" Because I am wholeheartedly in love with him and sex wouldn't stop me from marrying him.  For the record. I don't believe in the whole "test-drive before you buy" mentality.  But everybody is different and like I said I would never tell somebody that what they are doing is wrong. 

OP don't worry, it will be a great night and you will be fine!

oh and I don't think the pp meant any offense, I think she was just pointing out her observations of different couples.  Not attributing their success or lack their of due to their physical decisions.  I know all types of couples that have waited for sex and those who haven't and some went well, others didn't.  So It's not fair to judge.

keith_ecko

Let me weigh in from the male perspective...this will be long. let me give a lil background on myself first. I have been divorced for 13 years. My x-wife decided to bring other people into our marriage if you catch my drift. Although she ruined our marriage I was awarded custody of my 3 month old daughter, who is now 13. She is beautiful, smart, everything a Dad could ask for.

So here is where I am at in my life. I am Catholic, but not practicing. When I say that I mean I do not attend church. I completely believe in God, and the conclusion I have come to after being Catholic since birth, is that I believe God is the air I breath, ground I walk on, leaves on the trees, and sun that shines down on me...I don't believe what is mostly taught that I have no faith if I don't attend church. God knows I believe. I shouldn't need to feed the offering plate to be labeled "Christian"....It took a harsh realization one day when I talked to my priest about my current engagement, as to why I feel the way I do. Even though my x-wife cheated, and I am divorced, the Catholic church now refuses to marry me unless I go through all these hoops to appease them. Why? What did I do? Nothing!!!! Absolutely nothing! He even went so far to tell me that my Presbyterian fiance, who was thinking of converting to catholicism, didn't take the sacrament of marriage seriously because of her baptized faith. Are you flipping kidding me? Here I am a Catholic since birth, a good guy, have never hurt anyone and he's pretty much offending me and my fiance. He then gives me a list of things I have to do in order to get in "GOOD STANDING" with the church again! I was out of there. I was not going to take this from a priest. My fiance and I are good people. We love each other, our kids, and will do anything for anyone if we can.

My fiance and I absolutely will not wait to have sex because of some belief that may have been misinterpreted a couple thousand years ago. We are not virgins obviously. No need to start acting like that again. I don't get the "LETS WAIT" thing. If what I was taught as a Catholic is true, that God gave me free will to decide what is best for me, then he will understand that we are being human and showing our love for each other in the way that he intended for us.

I guess the point I am trying to make, I found out unfortunately that my faith totally turned it's back on me because of a mistake my x-wife made. I could go through life following every other rule that the church set up, but because she couldn't keep her pants on, now all of a sudden I am a disgrace to the church community. It's sad that it took this long to figure out what's really going on. I respect all the views of the people who share my faith, or other faiths, but don't be brainwashed  into thinking that because you might have sex before your wedding that your faith is broken. God knows where your heart is at regardless of what choice you make in the bedroom....

***Of course this is all my opinion, and not my intention to offend anyone. Just wanted to offer my experience and hope someone could get benefit from it somehow*******

KellieGaspard

You could always try and be a slutty bride

A friend of mine was almost in the exact same situation that you are in with your FI. Neither one of them were virgins, but they decided to wait for each other until they were married because of religious affiliations. She was so nervous, that on their wedding day, she snuck out of her mother's house and snuck into the hotel where her FI was staying. She made him close his eyes and then she blindfolded him, so he couldn't see her. She then preceded to seduce him. While it might not work for you guys, it totally helped her out. She was very calm the rest of the day and not nervous about what was going to happen that night, because they already consumated their love. Hey, you could always give it a shot!

nefariousmango

I'm glad people were okay with my Buddhism post, I felt a bit weird adding it to the thread but I really do feel like this is the first time Christian beliefs have resonated with my own!  For those of you interested in exploring Buddhism, may I reccomend "The Sacred Path of the Warrior" as a good starting place.  I think Trungpa does a very good job of explaining the principles of Shambala Buddhism in terms that people with no previous experience in the religion can understand without watering down anything.

Mooresavage:  I have actually seen statistics that people who have sex before marriage are more likely to get divorced, but as I recall the difference is very slight given the current divorce rate.  I have also seen statistics that Conservative Christians are more likely than any other group to get divorced, by a much larger margin than the sex before marriage group.  Still, as my parents (PhDs in stats) say, you can use any numbers to prove anything, and most statistics are completely worthless without the full context of the study :-)

rbtrumpet

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nervous-sex-till-wedding-night-couldnt-figure-out-else-post-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4c6c960-902b-41ab-9a78-179a75914389Post:5727bf3d-fd62-477a-aff4-1879424de1cb">Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I'm SO not a virgin...I'm of the opinion that I wouldn't buy a car without test-driving it first. :)  However, I can definitely reassure all of you who are nervous about your FI seeing you naked for the first time on your wedding night.  He will take one look at you and think that your body is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.  He won't see your bulges, scars, etc...all he'll see is the woman he's madly in love with, the woman he married, the woman he gets to spend the rest of his life with.  First times are always a little awkward, so don't think that those little uncomfortable moments mean that you're not compatible physically.  The more times you're together, the better it will get.  I admire you for the strength of your convictions, and wish you the best of wedding nights. :)
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]

This was very encouraging, and helpful - thanks!


Keith_ecko - I'm so sorry you have had to deal with that!  PLEASE don't distain an entire religion based on one church's shortcommings.  I am a VERY conservative Christian (not catholic), and am not a fan of divorce at all.  However I do believe that the Bible actually "OK's" divorce in circumstances of marital unfaithfulness (Matthew 5:32).  I'm not trying to sway your religious beliefs at all, I guess just trying clarify what I believe the Bible actually teaches.



This has been a very interesting thread!  I love seeing everyone's opinions, thoughts, and beliefs!

elyse.mike

This has been a REALLY interesting thread to read! Me and FI are also waiting until we're married to have sex. Like OP, we are not virgins but have not slept with each other. We were both involved in "physical" relationships before, and they ended because the physical intimacy became the focus of the relationship and that's not very fulfilling (IMO).

When I met FI, I was not a christian (am now) because my family never really went to church (only on Easter & Christmas). Shortly after we met, we started discussing religion and I went to church with him a few times and he introduced me to scripture. We actually didn't officially become a couple until we were both at the same place spiritually. That may sound strange to some of you, but I think our relationship has been very blessed because of that. I mean, when I met FI . . "I just knew" so I knew it was worth the wait! Anyways, we have abstained from sexual intimacy through our entire relationship. We both think that this has allowed us to develop so many other aspects of our relationship (not to mention that I was finishing college the fall/spring after we started dating so the first 10 mos of our relationship was long distance).

I knew without a doubt when FI proposed a little less than a year and a half after we started dating that we were ready to get married.

I agree with PP's that sometimes it's difficult to wait since we have both had sex before, but we know that it is definitely worth waiting for. Not only because it is (what we believe) is what is pleasing to God but also because we know that having sex for the first time as husband and wife will be so much more special.

I'm so glad to hear that there are couples out there that are waiting until marriage. However, (like someone already said) it's not for everyone and that's ok . . it certainly doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. Religion is a choice, not an obligation. All relationships are different, not wrong . . just different : )

aggiebug

keith- I am very sorry for your struggles with the church.  As a Protestant Christian that is one of the hardest issues I have had with the Catholic church, the Priests are able to judge us as much as God does.  I agree that you do not have to go to Church for God to know that you believe, but I think church is a way to keep you focused on your beliefs.  The longer is been since I go to church the less I pray, etc so church is a way for me to renew my faith weekly and to get closer to God through scripture.  I think you should try a different denomination like Methodist or Presbyterian.  I say Methodist because they still have liturgy and some traditions but it is protestant, and Presbyterian because of your Fiancée. ** and for the record I have numerous friends in the Catholic faith and I respect the church and their values, there is just a lot I don't understand and entirely agree with**

I too have really enjoyed this thread, I have felt several times on these boards that I have been judged because I have abstained from sex even though no one knows I am waiting.  I feel like there is a lot of good things said in this thread about faith and relationships.


"If celibacy is in the footsteps of happiness, for you and yours, then it is right for you.  Guilt has no place there, nor does fear of perfection (i.e.; body isn't perfect, sex may not be perfect the first time with the lover, etc)."-happy faces

This quote does bother me a little, because I think you are misconstruing the faith aspect of abstaining from the human aspect.  I am waiting because I think that is what God intended us to do and I have faith in HIM to know what is best in that regards.  Fear and guilt has no place in my faith.  In fact God says to 'fear not' in several places throughout the Bible! But as a human, and in today's society it is hard NOT to have self image doubts and to fear imperfection.  We are not perfect and I do think there should be no fear but I do understand what some may have fears.