Chit Chat

Drama

How do you deal with a mother of the groom who is refusing to attend the wedding on the basis of the wedding being held in a church that is not her denomination?  Both christians just different denominations.
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Re: Drama

  • This is something your FI should handle.  It's his mother, not yours, and you getting involved is just going to cause drama.

    He should explain to her that he wishes she would reconsider, but that you won't change your ceremony to suit her religion, and if she insists on dying on this hill, she'll be missed.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mother-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ee25e0ab-de45-4d62-ae9c-2ccd80256912Post:e50893d9-a827-4936-9185-439d1b369608">Re: Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have the groom talk to her.  If she's still being unreasonable, in the end she'll be the one to miss out and you have to move on regardless of whether or not she comes.
    Posted by aegrish[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree. Unfortunately there's not much you can do if she's totally against going, but either way make sure that you leave the door open to a, if nothing else, civil relationship. She's part of your life from now on... and it's too bad that she doesn't realize how much she'd be missing out on.
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  • Have the groom talk to her, explaining everything all the previous posts say. Also, if you don't mind me asking, what is her faith compared to the faith you are getting married in? It seems like there wouldn't be any reasons major enough between any two faiths to miss your own sons wedding.
  • Have the groom talk to her.  If she's still being unreasonable, in the end she'll be the one to miss out and you have to move on regardless of whether or not she comes.
  • Write a letter to her without anger.  Explain that you would like to have her there and her presense would make your wedding more complete and meaningful. *

    *if you do.  If not, do nothing.
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  • I agree with the others about having your FI talk with her. And Ultimately it is her decision. I think it would be sad if she decides not to come, but the least he can do is talk with her about how important it is to have her be in attendance.
  • Here's my question, is there a huge difference in religion? OR are you like me, I'm Catholic and my FI is Baptist(so we're both Christians).  His family isn't exactly happy that I"m not Baptist and regularly takes jabs at the fact that I was raised in a different faith and that its "wrong" way to live. I've on more than one occasion explained that the core beliefs are the same, we just do things differently.  If she refused to come to the wedding, I know my fiance would be hurt.  But the PP are right, that's something he needs to talk to her about. And its something that I'm sure she's thought about before but never discussed.

    Don't fret. It will all work out some way or another!
    ~a~
  • Have you and FI spoken about this?  If a difference in religion is causing a rift now, imagine how it will be when you have children (if you choose to have some).  Does this matter to your FI at all that you won't be married in a certain religion?  It's kind of a big issue.

    I do agree with PPs though.  If you and FI are on the same page, he needs to speak with his mom about it.  If she stands her ground well too bad for her.

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    [QUOTE]Write a letter to her without anger.  Explain that you would like to have her there and her presense would make your wedding more complete and meaningful. * *if you do.  If not, do nothing.
    Posted by slwager[/QUOTE]

    Don't do this. Well, do the "do nothing" part, but don't write her a letter. It's not your battle to fight.
  • Your fi should tell his mom that he loves her and would like her to be at his wedding. If she can't go because of her religion, he will miss her.


                       
  • Interesting, she is actually Catholic and we are having a Baptist wedding that she is refusing to come to.
  • My fiance and myself are of the same faith, but he has changed from his childhood faith.
  • LenaFLenaF member
    10 Comments
    That's definitely your FI's battle. I would NOT get in the middle, that will cause more drama.  I really hope she comes, I know your FI will be very upset if she doesn't. Make sure when he talks to her that he lets her know you want her there also. Good Luck :(
  • (im catholic)  Sometimes, when there is a conflict of faith within the family, a catholic priest can be a "helping hand" on the wedding day. He is not the main presider over the ceremony but he stands there as a representation of catholicism within the family. If your MIL really wants a priest to be a part of it, maybe you guys can schedule a meeting with her priest, explain your situation, and ask if he can be there for the sake of your MIL to help with the ceremony. You can also talk to the preacher to see if hes ok with this too. Catholic familys do this when one marries in the Jewish faith or others. I dont see why not, (if your all comfortable with this) it wouldnt hurt to ask.

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  • I thought that your fmil might belong to a religion that does not allow it's members to attend services in other churches. Even though my assumption was wrong, my answer is still the same.
    Fi should tell his mom that she will be missed if she doesn't attend the ceremony. In other words, call her bluff.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mother-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ee25e0ab-de45-4d62-ae9c-2ccd80256912Post:93045b02-653e-4599-acfa-5042291f7a4e">Re: Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I thought that your fmil might belong to a religion that does not allow it's members to attend services in other churches. Even though my assumption was wrong, my answer is still the same. Fi should tell his mom that she will be missed if she doesn't attend the ceremony. In other words, call her bluff.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>As far as I know from what he's said about the church she's under no religious obligation not to come. He's tried talking to her telling her we want her involved be her response was we had hurt her and didn't want anything to do with things. Her last thing though was we were not included her enough in the planning ie not having her help me shop for my bridesmaids dresses. We tried the call her bluff at this point we're five months out I've got to pay florists and other vendors all I can think to do for his sake is to prepare as if she is coming.  Because lord knows if she did show up last minute and I hadn't prepared for her there would be a major fight on our day.

    </div>
  • Oh wow.  She's really pulling out all the stops to run the show here.  Let your FI deal with her, and stick to your guns, especially if getting married in your faith is important to you.  You're right not to include her much in planning.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mother-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ee25e0ab-de45-4d62-ae9c-2ccd80256912Post:49106591-7094-4a72-b306-416a632ce445">Re: Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]This problem has nothing to do with religion, and has everything to do with a controlling woman who does not want to let go of her son.  I hope you two will be living far away from her.  She is going to make trouble in the future if you let her. FI is going to have to deal with her.  He is probably used to it by now.  Be polite, but firm.  Don't give her any excuse to complain about you. <strong>You will both be in my prayers, and I'm a Methodist!
    </strong>Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    Ditto. :)

    Also, I always thought it was a custom/tradition to get married in the church of the bride anyway. I know that probably does not matter to the FMIL, so I hope your FI talking to her and explaining she will be missed by the both of you works. I have a feeling she'd regret not going to her own son's wedding. Especially since you're both Christians.
  • Well in that case, do exactly as you planned on doing.  Get her her corsage and whatnot and if she comes great!  If she doesn't, that's a regret she will have to deal with for the rest of her life.
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  • (im catholic)  Sometimes, when there is a conflict of faith within the family, a catholic priest can be a "helping hand" on the wedding day. He is not the main presider over the ceremony but he stands there as a representation of catholicism within the family. If your MIL really wants a priest to be a part of it, maybe you guys can schedule a meeting with her priest, explain your situation, and ask if he can be there for the sake of your MIL to help with the ceremony. You can also talk to the preacher to see if hes ok with this too. Catholic familys do this when one marries in the Jewish faith or others. I dont see why not, (if your all comfortable with this) it wouldnt hurt to ask.

    THIS
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mother-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ee25e0ab-de45-4d62-ae9c-2ccd80256912Post:e7913312-01cb-4a28-bb6a-7b066d8dff66">Re: Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>My fiance and myself are of the same faith, but he has changed from his childhood faith.
    </strong>Posted by maglenn[/QUOTE]

    Did she respect his decision to leave the Catholic church and become Baptist or has this always been a problem?
    ~a~
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    [QUOTE](im catholic)  Sometimes, when there is a conflict of faith within the family, a catholic priest can be a "helping hand" on the wedding day. He is not the main presider over the ceremony but he stands there as a representation of catholicism within the <strong>family. If your MIL really wants a priest to be a part of it, maybe you guys can schedule a meeting with her priest, explain your situation, and ask if he can be there for the sake of your MIL to help with the ceremony.</strong>You can also talk to the preacher to see if hes ok with this too. Catholic familys do this when one marries in the Jewish faith or others. I dont see why not, (if your all comfortable with this) it wouldnt hurt to ask.
    Posted by misscyndikalene[/QUOTE]

    We are having a Catholic ceremony, no Mass to accommodate his family.  I was surprised, but relieved, when my priest asked us if we wanted to have his pastor say the ceremony with him.  Which I thought was so nice! Ask me if my FI has asked his former youth pastor yet, NOPE. 65 days to go...
    ~a~
  • My FMIL is complaining about having to attend because we AREN'T getting married in a church. We're being married by a pastor, but not IN a church. We basically informed her that it was our wedding, and our decision, and if our wedding meant so much to her, why couldn't she be there. She's not happy about our choice, but she's coming.
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  • If she pitches a fit over this, good luck when you have kids and its baptism time! :)

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  • ugh religous people baffle me
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mother-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ee25e0ab-de45-4d62-ae9c-2ccd80256912Post:6e95fe4c-59e3-4d6e-a459-7497ac92f041">Re: Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]ugh religous people baffle me
    Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]

    That's a pretty broad statement right there.
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  • Well I just don't understand how any person who actually goes to a decent 4 year college can leave and still be religious.
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    [QUOTE]Well I just don't understand how any person who actually goes to a decent 4 year college can leave and still be religious.
    Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]

    First of all, I doubt you even know what you mean by "religious". I certainly have no idea.

    Second of all, that's pretty freaking insulting to anyone. There are always going to be crazy people. That doesn't mean that an intelligent person becomes less so if they ascribe to a religion.
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    [QUOTE]Well I just don't understand how any person who actually goes to a decent 4 year college can leave and still be religious.
    Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]

    The HELL you say!! That's a pretty stupid statement. I guess only stupid people follow a religion or fath?


    "I don't know guys, that's a really nice thing to have in your house. I have one similar saying written on the walls all over my quiet, neat, non-childproofed home. I have it in my brand new car as a decal on the window. I even wear it on a t-shirt for when I go out to dinner or hang out at a trendy bar or go on a relaxing vacation. "All because I use birth control." It still brings a tear to my eye..." SnarkyMcSnarkerson
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    [QUOTE]ugh religous people baffle me
    Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]


    And your stupidity baffles me... And as far as the good university statement goes, apparently you didn't go to a good one yourself since you spell 'Side' with 3 'i's'. Congrats.
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