Not entirely wedding related...help. :(

beardownbchs

So this will probably be long and I'm going to apologize in advance. But I really need some outside, uninvolved opinions because I'm freaking out.

My fiance and I have our heart set on a destination wedding in northwestern Montana. We've been saving and planning to go out there this summer to look for venues for our wedding next summer. The area we're looking at apparently gets pretty busy during the summers and hotels fill up fast. Our first hotel pick is already booked up for the time we were planning to go. The ideal outdoor ceremony time frame is only a few weeks so we want to get out there as soon as possible to make sure venues won't be full for the following summer. Ideally we'd like to go there during the last week in June. 

Now the other half of the story -  2 of my cousins were murdered last Christmas. There will be two seperate trials for the monsters who did this. The trials have been pushed back several times (most recently just a few weeks before the first one was scheduled to begin). They are both currently scheduled for May. But depending on what kind of information comes up, they could be pushed back again. I live in Chicago and the trials will be in Indianapolis so I don't know if I will be able to attend all of both trials (depends on my job), but even if I can't be in the courtroom, I just can't see being on vacation while it's happening. 

I just got my tax return and want to book our room for Montana ASAP because we found a hotel about 10 minutes away from all the other similar hotels for literally $60 less per night. 

If this were you, what would you do? Book the room and hope the trials aren't pushed back again (or that they're pushed further back) or wait until they actually begin and hope there's still rooms available?

I really hope I'm not coming across as insensitive here. Losing my cousin, my lifelong friend and his 7-year-old niece has broken my heart and changed my life and I've done everything I can for their immediate family. Justice for them and our wedding are the two biggest things in my life and I don't know what to do..My immediate family is telling me that I should plan our MT trip and not worry about the trials. But I know my Indy family will not be okay with this if they overlap and neither will I. 

Thanks in advance, ladies. I'm gunna try to sleep some (I've been thinking about this for days) so if I don't immediately respond, I'll be back in the morning. 

McRogol

My opinion comes without having ever experienced anything remotely close to what you described...

Life is for living - Make your plans and whether your in Chicago or Montana when the trials begin spend moments connecting with your faith and thinking of your lost family members.  Actually being there or postponing your own happiness won't change what's happened.  I agree with PP they may continue to push things back, and I would think about  what your cousin would want for you.  

I hope you're able to make a decision that feels right to you...Take some quiet moments and listen to your heart.  Honoring what it says will help you feel good about whatever decision you make.

MrsGandthebeag

I'm really sorry for your loss.  It's never easy.  I agree with the other ladies though that you should continue with your plans and go to Montana.

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-entirely-wedding-relatedhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f3352cab-51ac-4bc5-8d94-7e9195cda9f9Post:ced9a2c5-51a9-4232-9cf6-9e637c2db8bd">Re:Not entirely wedding related...help. :</a>:
[QUOTE]What would your cousin want you to do? I sort of understand where you're coming from, though obviously no two situations of losing someone are the same. I lost a close friend to a drunk driver 2 years ago in May. The woman who hit her was not only four times over the legal limit, but KNEW she was too drunk to drive and ended up entering the highway on the wrong side with her headlights off specifically because she was avoiding a cop car. <strong>It is horrible and painful to lose someone, especially unexpectedly and at the hands of another human being, and it DOES change you forever. But you have to go on living. If you don't, you're doing a disservice to those who weren't allowed to do so.</strong> If the trial was local and you were able to attend, I'd honestly tell you to hold off until closer or change your plans. However, it sounds like you won't be there anyway. Would your cousins really want you sitting at home, doing nothing, just for the sake of symbolism when you could be living a longtime dream? You never know how long it will take. They could postpone the trial until NEXT June for all you know.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose somebody in such an awful way, as I had 2 aunts that were murdered. I think its super thoughtful of you to want to be at the trial to show support & you are trying your best to work your wedding plans around them. Not everybody would do that. But Stage has given you GREAT advice. It actually kinda opened my eyes a little to my own situation. I have lost way more family than anybody I know. My FI has never even experienced a death in his immediate family before, and yet, I have experienced way more than I should have at my age. I lost 2 aunts to murders, my gpa to lung cancer, another gpa to a heart attack, my cousin to cancer and my uncle to kidney failure. This has all happened in the last 5 years. So believe me when I say, I know how you feel & my heart truely goes out to you. But honestly, Stage is right when she says that it will be a disservice to those you have lost to stop living your life because of what happened. I am sure they would want you to have the best wedding possible & would want you to continue your planning. Maybe you can find a way to remember them at your wedding & your Indy family may understand more.
Best of luck :]

AddieCake

I'm sorry for your loss and I understand your pain b/c my sister was murdered many years ago. I think you should go ahead with your plans. There is no way to predict how long this will take and what the exact dates will be. For my sister's killers, things got postponed a lot while they had a change of venue, and my parents just had to be sort of "at the ready" for trial so to speak. While painful, you still have a life to lead and can't put your life and plans on hold indefinitely.

beardownbchs

Thanks everyone!!

I guess what's the worst for me is the immediate family. They're refusing to live their lives and they won't let anyone else. They bought a new house and it's a shrine to them. They each have a bedroom. They talk about them like they're still here. They go to the cemetery and say "I'm going to see the kids - I need Jeremy's advice on something". The one year anniversary was on a Wednesday in December. My aunt chewed me out and hung up on me because I didn't take the day off and go down there (I'm saving all my vacation time to be at the trials). I know everyone grieves differently but this is not healthy.

I know my cousin would have wanted me to go to Montana, but he also loved his mom more than anything in the world and he would have wanted me to be there for his parents, his brother and his nephew.

I think I'll go ahead and book it.

Thanks again!!

Peledreamsofrain

I agree with the others.  I am sorry for your loss, and can't imagine how you must be feeling.  However, I don't think you should put your wedding in jeopardy over an unresolved date.

Doing so kind of feels like the murderers are getting a chance to keep spreading the evil they've done like a contagion.  They not only get to impact your lives by taking family members, but now they get to endanger family events that could help heal everyone and bring joy.  Doesn't seem right to me.