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if it's not one thing, it's another...could use some advice!

First off, we got married in December when my husband was home on R&R from his tour in Iraq, we didn't have the time or money to have a real wedding ceremony so all we could do was pretty much just get the papers signed. We have planned our ceremony for next Spring, giving us time to save up money for the wedding we both want.
My husband has already decided on his groomsmen and I thought I had decided who I wanted to be my bridesmaids, but I just don't know anymore...I  don't know if I can rely on any of them for this! It's not like I have hoards of girlfriends either. Two live out of state and we hardly ever talk anymore, one is 11 (a younger cousin) and lives over an hour and a half away, and the other (the one I had picked for MOH) is too wrapped up in drama to even think about it it seems like. I am getting no help from anyone but my husband and my mom. I've tried to ask the one I'd picked for MOH for help and ideas and such but she usually just changes the subject after a quick response or an "I don't know." I try not to bother my husband with too much of this because, well, he is in Iraq and has other things to focus on right now!
I'm having a hard time with the bridesmaid dresses as well. I figure that David's Bridal is the best bet for finding them since two girls live out of state and the prices are right. They have the exact style I was looking for but the color is nowhere near what I want. My husband and one groomsman will be wearing their dress blues (which are two different colors of dark blue, jacket one color and trousers another) so we decided that the bridesmaid dresses need to be a specific color. The other groomsmen will be wearing navy colored suits since black would just look funny with the dress blues. I really don't want a ton of different colors going on up there during the ceremony. I also know that there will be one person (the MOH) that will probably cause problems about the dress I've picked for them to wear. Everyone else wearing it will love it, just not her. I'm not sure what to do about that one...
Another issue is the guest list. We wanted a small, more intimate affair and boy, oh, boy...that is NOT going to happen! His family is small but mine is huge and we both have tons of friends...I know that it would just cause major problems if they weren't all invited! I've already come to realize that the place we picked for the wedding that I've had my heart set on for a while now, just won't work. It will as long as the weather stays nice but if we have to move inside, there is only room for about half our guests. But let's face it, I live in Washington and it rains all the time!
I guess my biggest problem is that I feel like we are having to settle for stuff we don't want or change things that we really do want to make this wedding better for everyone else...or maybe I'm just overly stressed with trying to plan this, deal with the deployment and all the other issues in everyday life!

Re: if it's not one thing, it's another...could use some advice!

  • As for your wedding party, you don't have to have even sides.  Pick whoever you want, regardless of who your FI has picked.  Your MOH (and the rest of your bridal party for that matter) will never care about your wedding as much as you do.  This doesn't make her unworthy of the title.  As for her being annoyed about the dress you've selected.  A lot of BMs get upset, and rightly so.  Put yourself in their shoes, would you want someone selecting a dress that you felt uncomfortable in?  Go to David's Bridal and select a color (and maybe a length if you so desire) and tell that to your BM and let them pick their own dress that meets those guidelines.  You will have a happier wedding party and they will look just as beautiful dressed slightly differently from each other.

    As for your dream venue, you CAN still have that.  Cut your guest list.  I think 99% of people understand the reasons why they may not be invited to a wedding.

    You are stressing waaaay too much considering that you are planning a wedding that is almost a year away.
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  • I feel sad that you're going through all of this, and I don't have any advice per se, but I can tell you that I am planning my second wedding (the first marriage was 15 years long, etc).....and the details of the day are just that....details of the DAY.  I couldn't even tell you where my MOH is living now!   Of course, family is still, and always will be, family! 

    Please do your best to make this about what you and your fiance want. The more you can set and hold boundaries around that, the happier you'll be.  It's VERY diffiuclt to do, but oh so necessary.  I realize the difficulty, especially if you aren't in control of the purse. 

    I know exactly how you feel, too, about your MOH not really being that interested. Try being 49 and finding someone to want to go dress shopping!!!    No one really cares about your wedding like you do!  This time around, my 17 year old daughter is my MOH, and that's a solid and secure feeling with that.  Best of luck to you, and
     on Memorial Day, many thanks to your fiance for his service to our country!!!
  • first off, you're having a vow renewal, not a wedding. be sure that you're clear on that with your guests, you don't want to lie to them. 

    second, you and your FI are the only ones responsible for planning your wedding. it's going to be difficult since he's deployed, but realistically you can't expect help from anyone. if you are having that much of an issue, hire a wedding planner. 

    as for the dresses, you have two options. either say this is the dress, deal with it, or do as a pp suggested and say this is the color, pick something you like. the wedding party doesn't have to be all matchy matchy.  it doesn't matter if two guys are in dress blues and others are in black suits, it's not going to look funny, it's not going to clash, and no one will really notice. 

    the guest list....invite who you want. period. you don't HAVE to invite anyone. 
  • edited May 2010
    I know that nobody will ever care about the wedding like I will and I'm not expecting my bridesmaids to drop everything they're doing for this...I guess I'd just like an answered phone call more than once every few months or a returned e-mail. These girls are people that I have dropped everything for them more than once, though. We've been best friends for years and I've always been there for them no matter what, when ever they needed me!

    I'm only worried about this one person making a big deal out of the dress I've picked because that's just what she does! I love her to death but she goes out of her way to make things difficult, especially if people aren't focused on HER. I even changed the color I wanted them to wear knowing that she absolutely hates the one I'd first picked. I chose a style that I think will be very flattering on everyone because my bridesmaids are all different shapes and sizes. I don't want any of them to feel uncomfortable!

    All in all though you guys are right, the numbers of groomsmen and bridesmaids DON'T have to be even! I'll keep that in mind especially if it continues to be more difficult than it should be.

    My husband is the one that is insisting on the groomsmen wearing navy colored suits to match the dress blues he'll be wearing. I'm the one that wants the whole wedding party to at least kind of corridinate.

    I know I said that the wedding is going to be next Spring, but it's not just because of our finances, we were also trying to make it easier on everyone else. We wanted it to be in December but some of our guests started making a big deal out of it, and we know that money can get really tight that month! The fact that we legally got married (even though we didn't have a ceremony) with out everyone there, really pissed a lot of people off so we are trying to make up for that I guess.

    Everyone knows that we are technically doing a vow renewal but to us, this IS our wedding. People can call it what ever they'd like but we were not able to have a real wedding ceremony the first time  so we are trying to make up for it now. We didnt' even SAY vows the first time, the guy asked us each if we took the other to be our husband/wife and that was that. The whole thing took less than 4 minutes! That's not a wedding...this is.
  • Ok, first of all take a few deep breaths and relax.  People are right, no one cares as much as we (brides) do about our wedding day.  I've been very stressed about all of the details and have gotten caught up in worrying and planning and trying to accomodate various people so you are not alone.

    Now, as for your maids, if they really are good enough friends to be in your wedding then they shouldn't care that much about the dress you pick, as long as it's not crazy expensive.  If one of your friends has a personality quirk and you know it accept it and let it go.  If you know, no matter what she'll complain, then pick what you like and be done with it.  If she whines about it just say, "I appreciate you wearing the dress for me, I think you look beautiful and it really is the look I wanted" end of story.  Then change the subject.

    You know the saying, you can only make yourself happy, it's true!  Your wedding should be what you want, if it is then thicken up your skin to any negative comments from other people!!!  Easier said than done but you're a military wife...I know you have it in you!!

    Best of luck and many thanks to you and your guy for being part of our military system!!
  • Thanks ladies! I appreciate what all of you've said :) I needed it!
  • PPs pretty much have it nailed.  Don't worry so much - if you're this stressed now you will be going crazy this month before the wedding.  The biggest thing that helped me de-stress was realizing that your wedding is only 1 day of your life, and everyone says its literally over before you even take it all in.  And, you are never going to please everyone.  NEVER!  It's just basically impossible, especially when you're dealing with a big guest list.  IMO, have the wedding when you want.  If people can't make it, its unfortunate.  A winter wedding ,especially near Christmas, can be very difficult for people sincei ts a very expensive time.  We originally planned a New Year's Eve wedding and had just accepted that not everyone would make it.  We ended up having to bumo it up to July because of a PCS and deployment, so now its in July.  And some of the same people still can't make it, and some different ones now.

    If you are really worried about your girls dresses, pick out a color and style and let them pick the dress.  They can't complain that way.  And David's is a good place you can do that since the same colors run throughout their lines.  What about red?  Many dress uniforms have red in it, and if  you are worried about everything tieing together that might do it.  And from what I read it sounds like you are just assuming how your one friend will react.  You know what they say about what happens when you assume.  Sometimes people will surprise you!

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