Scared to go dress shopping with mom... *vent*

BillyBob321

Sorry to vent here but I'm getting really nervous about going dress shopping with my mom. I'm wondering if any of you have gone through this or have any helpful words.I've always been overweight, and of course my mom is a size 0-2. She's 50 but she's a YOUNG 50... she still shops in the juniors dept... she has more clothes than she knows what to do with, she tans... blah blah. But the main point is that she's skinny and petite and always has been. She does get on my case a little when we go shopping mentioning that I should probably lose some weight and everything, which is understandable because I agree. But, she's very rarely ever complimented me on how something looked. That's how she is I guess, but she more than likely finds something wrong or says "that does nothing for you" when I think something looks good. To her, only skinny is attractive I guess. And she ALWAYS makes comments about my chest. She's barely an A cup while I'm a DD. I've always hated having a large chest and she'd always comment on it. I recently got new bathing suits I felt really good in, and she took one look at goes "WOAH... ur boobs are HUGE, I dont know about that support...." or something. But most recently, we've been looking at dresses online and in magazines, and she made a really hurtful comment I dont think she realized it. She's like "oh how can you even tell what a dress would look like they show these models who are size 0s with itty bitty waistes who look GORGEOUS in them." Oh gee thanks, so if you're not a size 0... u can't look gorgeous in a dress?? She tried to back herself up a little when I said something, but not by much. THEN... we really like a certain Maggie dress and I found a pic of a "real" girl wearing it online... who was probably around like a 16 and had a large chest... and my mom made a comment about her boobs like filling out her dress.So... I'm super worried about going shopping with her. We have always gone shopping together and are very close, but I feel like I'm already going to have a rough experience finding a plus size dress to fit, but with her there telling me "it doesnt do anything for you" because I dont look like the models will be so disapointing. I do trust her judgement most of the time, but she could at least compliment a few things. I dont know, maybe something so important will be different? I watch the bride shows where the mom starts crying when she finds the dress, and I just cant see my mom doing that unless I lose 100 pounds and meet her standards. I feel like she may not even buy a dress I love because she thinks my boobs show too much or something because they dont look like an A cup would. Arghh! Sorry this is so long... I just needed to get it out. Anyone have a similar experience???

nrskrs

My mom is sort of the same way, but probably not near as hard on me as yours is.  My mom does tell me I'm beautiful and loved the dress I picked out, but the past couple of months she's really been pressing me to lose weight and told me "I'd like to see you about 20 lbs lighter for the wedding."  As if planning a wedding isn't stressful enough, now I'm freaking out about losing weight, which is really difficult for me considering I have hypothyroidism.  My advice to you, take one of your closest friends and go pre- dress shopping.  Try on styles you like to see what fits you best and have someone there who's going to have your back and not scruitinize you b/c you'll walk out of that store in tears.  If you feel the need...be honest with her about why you are going without her first, otherwise I'd just keep mums about it.  Then I'd take her and try on dresses with her.  But really if you feel like it will be a negative experience to go with her, I just wouldn't go with her...you need people there who will be honest, but aren't going to be negative about everything you try on.

nrskrs

And you don't have to be a size 0 to be beautiful.

AmoroAgain

I can't say that I've had a similar experience, but I can tell you a few things about people like this.  The longer you go without saying something crappy back to them, the more they push you around.  Your mom is a bully.  If you don't stand up to her, she'll never stop.  So the next time she says something about your weight, you should say, "Well, at least I won't have to worry about skin cancer from all the tanning like you."  or "You know, I get that you're thin, but it's really trashy for a 50 year old woman to shop in the juniors section" (because it is).  See how long it takes her to shut her trap about your weight.  You don't have to take that crap just because she's your mom.The only advice I can give you about a dress is, try to steer away from strapless.  Don't get thin straps, but do go for straps that have a little more substance.  Since you like Maggie's here are some that I brought up that could work for you:http://www.maggiesottero.com/dress.aspx?style=J1262HChttp://www.maggiesottero.com/dress.aspx?style=S5201http://www.maggiesottero.com/dress.aspx?style=V7040CSLast but not least, check out this blog for plus size brides.  http://www.theplussizebride.blogspot.com/It's just getting started, but at the very least, you can find photos of other brides and their gowns.  HTH

linz_e_moore

I'm sorry you have to go through this.  Wedding planning is stressful enough.I can't relate completely to your story, but I can tell you this - - being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful - - I am about 5'0 and 90 pounds, yes, a size 0!  I looked AWFUL in a lot of dresses I tried on.  Most of the samples were way too big for me, and every dress I tried on was way too long.  I think wedding dress shopping is hard enough as it is, for probably everyone.From what I've seen, wedding dresses look better on someone who can fill them out!  My advice is going without your mom at first, maybe with some friends.  Try on a variety of dresses, and bring her back to show her the most flattering ones.  If she doesn't like them or makes a snippy comment, tell her she can leave.Also - - my mom didn't cry when I found the dress.  I think she almost cried when she saw the price tag though! :)Good luck, and no matter what, you are the bride, and will look fabulous, size 0 or not!  Your fiance obviously thinks you are beautiful, and on your wedding day, your opinion and his are the only opinions that matter!

ebarno

I think that the beauty of going dress shopping is that you DON'T have to look at the size 0 models in the dresses.  Get an idea of what features you like in a dress and go without any preconceived notions as to what a certain dress is going to look like.  You may be able to pull off things that those twigs can't.  And, for the record, I am also a DD and, to my surprise, did not have issues with showing too much.  It's your day, wear what makes you feel beautiful.  If your mother takes that away from you, be sure you tell her.  I am sure she does not mean to do that to you.

mbcdefg

I had pretty much the exact same experience as you. I took my BFF to one shop and didn't find anything but loved the service there, so I arranged to go back with my mom and sister. Sis had to bail out at the last minute because of work, so it was just me and mom. I had the same nervous feelings as you do, because I was really counting on my sister being there as a buffer. Maybe bringing along a supportive aunt, sister, FMIL or friend would help you. Maybe you could talk to the saleswoman ahead of time and ask her to help diffuse the situation - I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time for her. I know it hurts. My mom made some weight comments in the dressing room, and finally the saleswoman said in front of both of us, "Boy, Mom sure gets hung up on weight, huh?" So it was nice to know that I wasn't just being oversensitive. The plus side about her not crying and fawning over me was that I felt I got an honest opinion about the dress I wound up choosing. She said it did a lot for my figure (she's not the type to get excited or cry with happiness over certain things, so I never expected that from her anyway), whereas she was quick to comment when other dresses made me look fat. She still had to throw in a "You know, you really should think about losing some weight" comment when I was standing in front of a mirror in "the" dress, waiting for it to be rung up, which stung a lot. Again, I know it hurts, but you need to ignore it or else you'll be miserable. I've also felt like, "If I lose 50 or 60 pounds, maybe she'll be happier for me or think I look prettier." But you can't hold yourself to someone else's warped standard of beauty. I know that my mom's weight issues come from my grandmother giving her a hard time (grandma constantly made food/weight remarks and called her fat as a 100 pound teenager, can you believe that?), so it's really her own issues talking. Don't put yourself down over someone else's hangups. If you're happy with yourself and happy in the dress, then that is what counts.

mbcdefg

And not to correct you, Amoro, but I don't think OP necessarily needs to avoid strapless. I originally went for V-necks because I thought they'd do more for my arms, and they looked AWFUL on me. I wound up with a strapless Maggie Sottero and it looked much better. My point is that every woman is not alike. Even two girls who are both a size 16 won't always look good in the same dress. I looked like a blimp in mermaid and sheath dresses, whereas I've seen bios with other plus-sized women who wore them and looked sensational. Girls should try on outfits with an open mind.

Ainslie325

I'm a complete exception to the dress shopping rule, but I involved no one. I showed pictures of dresses I liked to my mom and some of the girls, but I bought the gown on my own-- no one else was with me. I trusted my sales associate and I trusted myself. I know what I like, and I know what looks good on me. Mother/daughter relationships are complicated things. My mother is as blunt and critical as they come and, when I saw her more regularly, hurt my feelings (without intending to) like it was her job. Now that I'm 30, and living a thousand miles away, this doesn't happen as often. I'm more confident in who I am and wat I like, and she's too far away to carp at me! Good luck. Have you ever said to your Mom, "Mom, when you talk about all the skinny models in the magazine, I know you're just getting frustrated with the advertising, but what I hear is that you're skeptical that anything is going to look good on my normal-sized body. I know that's not what you mean, but I'm starting to get a complex here!" Sometimes, I need to tell my mom what I hear in order for her to realized that what she intended to express is often perceived very differently by those she's speaking with.

BillyBob321

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's even harder because my aunt (her sister) and cousin are also size 0-2s and we've always gone shopping together. My mom buys my cousin these cute little outfits for her bdays and stuff, with hoochie shorts and tiny tops, but if I try on a pair of capris that are too short, she hates them. But anyways I think I will bring my aunt and cousin(MOH). While they're just as skinny, they are much more supportive. My aunt complimented my bathing suits that my mom didn't like, and throws around compliments all the time. I'm just nervous for them to see the size on all the dresses, esp since dresses run small. I can see my mom making a horrible face when she sees what size dress will actually fit me.Also I have made comments to her a few times about her heels looking like stripper and hooker heels and whatnot, but maybe I'll have a serious convo with her before we go. I was thinking of going for a low blow if she started because her best friend is in love with me... like she just thinks I'm the greatest person ever and was SO much more excited than my mom about the ring so I was thinking of saying "Wow maybe I should have asked Barb to come, she'd make me feel beautiful." But that may just make the situation worse, who knows.Oh btw, not to defend my mom, but even tho she shops in juniors, she def. does not look trashy (besides the hooker heels). She never wears short stuff or low cut stuff, just has really good fashion sense. She looks really nice every day and I'm completely jealous.

BillyBob321

I also agree about the strapless thing... but I haven't tried any on yet so I'm not positive. But I always wear strapless dresses and tops because I feel like they look better. I feel like straps make me look wider or something... so I was thinking strapless, as long as it comes up enough would work much better for me.

AmoroAgain

I'm just saying she should dress her age. That's all.  And fashion sense isn't limited to those who are small- trust me.  I see some crazy schit on people who think they look hot when they actually look like a hot mess.  lol!The only reason I suggested the dresses with straps is because of the bust.  If you are smaller busted, I don't think strapless is a problem, ever.  But, if you are larger, then you should probably go with straps.  Not that it's a rule, but rather, a suggestion.  I was just being helpful.   But, if you find a post by NuggetBrain, over on P&E, she has a stunning strapless gown and she's a G so... *shrug*

Ainslie325

I would advise against parrying with pot shots or low blows (the "at least I don't look like a hooker,"-type comments). A real conversation, conducted before the first shot is fired, can stave off this sort of conflict. Being juvenile isn't going to help her see the light if she doesn't understand that her blunt comments are hurtful to you. Explain how you perceive her comments, out of the heat of the moment. If she understands and STILL doesn't change her behavior, simply leave her out of the next shopping excursion and bring more more supportive friends and family. Getting snarky with your mother, no matter how difficult she is, won't make life better in the months leading up to your wedding, and the satisfaction of a well-placed "zinger" is pretty short lived.

liashke

That's a hard situation. :-/  I hope it all works out.  I don't really have any advice in that department, but I wanted to share one thing about strapless dresses.It depends a lot on how your arms and shoulders look.  I was initially looking at dresses with straps (because I am a size G cup and definitely understand the boob issues), but when I started trying them on, the saleslady finally piped up and said she thought I shouldn't do that.  That the straps divided up the distance from shoulder to shoulder and made the eye measure it more.  My FMIL was with me and she thought all the strapped dresses were distracting.So I'm going with strapless.  But I think it's going to largely depend on how you're structured.  Just don't rule out strapless because of a big chest.   And honestly, those wedding dresses, especially the corseted Maggie gowns, are awesomely supportive.Good luck! :)Oh, btw -- I've noticed that even when samples are sizes 8-12 and I usually wear a 16, I can get into them (at least with Maggie gowns).  You don't get the best idea of the back, no, but the corset also helps there to get a fairly good idea.

lizardrach812

i've had the same situation with my mom. i didn't resort to low blows, but you do need to be assertive. if she's says something about a dress that you really love, just remind her that she's not the one wearing it all day. i wouldn't go into anything about her looks or tanning, but you are well within your rights to tell her to put a sock in it when it comes to weight comments. i say this from my experience, and of course there are always exceptions, but most people know what they are doing when they make comments like that. people with a social conscience and coothe will keep their negative opinions to themselves. there is a tactful way to give your honest opinion that doesn't involve telling someone they need to drop 20 lbs to look good in a dress.

ebarno

At least in my experience, they didn't "announce" what size dress that I needed in everything I tried on.  When I had a few gowns I liked, they measured, wrote everything down, and decided what size I would take in each design.  No one but me and the salesperson needed to know   And don't discount strapless, longline bras are a magical thing!

foreva2828

I had a similar experience with my mom. The shop I went to had very few dresses in my size, and while I'm not plus sized, I'm certainly closer to that than a size 0. I had a horrible experience shopping with my friends, so my mom came with me. And I thought this would be a better experience. While she loved the dress I picked, she just seemed as if she couldn't resist making comments like, "this looks nice, but it would look so much better if you lost at least 20 pounds." I also have DDs, which also seem to be offensive to her. And ever since I ordered the dress, she seems as if she can't resist commenting on how I need to lose weight, etc. It certainly stings and no matter what I've said to her, she doesn't change. The best thing I could do was think of what things my fiance liked me in the best and went for styles that I knew he and I would love. Regardless of whatever comments she makes about your weight, remember there is someone out there who loves you and thinks you are beautiful EXACTLY AS YOU ARE.

BillyBob321

I wonder why moms find DD's so offensive... it's not like I asked for them!

foreva2828

perhaps they are just jealous of our well-endowed blessings

ootmother2

I'm reading this a day late, sorry.WTF is wrong with mothers who comment on their daughter's weight?  Or fathers for that matter.Fastest was I know of to start a real serious eating disorder in a young woman!I'm MOB and went with her to at least a dozen stores looking for her wedding gown.  She's a size 8, I'm a 6 so neither one of us really has any weight issues but she was always looking to be sure she doesn't "look fat".  WTF?  I would kill to have her shape. Skinny is NOT always a good thing, trust me.

ariel43

Oh my lord! I feel the SAME way!! I've always been overweight and one of the first things that came out of my mom's mouth when I told her I got engaged was "you know you're really going to have to work on your weight because we have to find a dress to fit you". I was already nervous about finding a dress to fit me..I have a hard time finding normal dressing that I don't feel like a cow in, nevermind a wedding dress. Anyways, I hear ya...let me know how it turns out! And if anyone has suggestions for dresses in larger sizes let me know!!

jessabered

I was just going to add, if you must go shopping with your mom, sit in the fitting room for a while.  Be with yourself in the dress decide what you think about yourself in the dress.  Make your own mind up before you walk out of the room.  When you do come out ask you mom "What do you like about this dress?" if she starts to criticize stop her.  Let that soak in: is that what you like? was there something that she brought up that you didn't.  Ask your sales person, ask in a way that won't get them in a bad spot eg. " do you think ther is a different drss or style that would look better on me?" Obviously they are supposed to compliment you in everything, but you can get an idea if they really don't think a dress works for you.  tell your mom before you go that she is only allowed on thing per dress tht she doesn't like and it has to be specific, eg cut, lace, ect.  no more generalizations.  Let her know you don't want to hear it.  Good Luck!!!