wearing white, off-white, ivory and any form of white

kizznible

My problem is, although almost solved, two of my Aunts bought my mother a mother of the bride "gown" that is an off white color. I instantly got upset, for one: they did this without my knowledge, two: i had plans to shop with my mother since she was not there with me for my dress, three: that it was in the white color family. I have always gone by it is common knowledge that you do not wear whites to a wedding because the bride is supposed to be the one in white. Now that I told my mom how I felt about the dress and that I would feel disrespected if she wore it, one of those Aunts told her that if she doesn't wear it, she will. If that is not a slap in the face then I dont know what is. So my question to all of you brides out there, how would you feel? Would you be offended? How would you handle it?

notyetavet

I would be a little mad if my mom chose a white-ish dress for the wedding.  However, if she wears the dress, she is the one that will look bad, not you.  There will be no mistaking that you are the bride and she is not.  

How does your mom feel about all of this?  Does she like the dress your aunts bought?

Elle1036

You don't get to control what any of your guests (including your mom) wear.  It's commonly viewed as in bad taste to wear white, but not everyone ascribes to that.

I get that you're sad about missing the opportunity to shop with your mom, but there are surely other WR things you can do with her.  As for the dress, let it go.  Don't be a brat.

kizznible

She does like it, and i feel like a jerk for telling her how I felt. I am not the type of person to tell someone what they can and can't wear. My mom is going to shop with me and I am happy with that. My Aunt on the other hand is the one who says she will wear this dress if my mom won't. I just wnat to know what was going through their minds when they bought this dress. I feel so disrespected by this whole thing. this is the second dress they bought her and the first one was something you where to lunch with your girlfriends. After that I asked my mom to shop with me and tell them to stop. My guess is she didn't say anything or my Aunts didn't listen. I know they were trying to help but now its like a threat that this dress will be worn whether or not it is by my mother.

kateguess22

I don't blame you for feeling upset. They should have kept you in the loop and it ruined your plans to shop with your Mom. I also believe that it is a faux pas to wear white to a wedding. You were honest with your Mom about your feelings and how it will make you feel if she wears it to your wedding- (although remember that your Mom wouldn't be trying to disrespect you by wearing it.) If your Aunt was serious, then you should expect that either your mom or your aunt will show up to your wedding in this dress. (I find what your aunt said extremely hurtful on your behalf and I'm sorry she said that.) I would certainly feel the exact same as you and I would be offended. My style of handling things is low-drama though- so to answer your question honestly I would wait and see if your Mom or Aunt brings it up to you again and go from there. You were honest with your Mom about how it would make you feel and she passed that information onto your aunt. Now the ball is in their court about how your feelings will influence their decision. Generally the bride doesn't get a say in what the guests wear to your wedding, even if they are choosing to wear something that goes against etiquette (or worse, something that they are wearing to upset the bride!) so let them work it out among themselves. You should feel good that you were honest and you at least know that you said your piece. If your mom lets you know that she is no longer going to wear that dress to your wedding, thank her and offer to take her shopping to find a new dress. And don't worry about what your aunt will do.

kizznible

altho I appreciate your opinion, i dont appreciate you saying i am being a brat. 

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_wearing-white-off-white-ivory-and-any-form-of-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:17b6c1e3-7ac0-4deb-8282-1e31fc1f8555Post:39da92d1-bfc8-44a0-b70b-44c3e076b912">Re: wearing white, off-white, ivory and any form of white</a>:
[QUOTE]altho I appreciate your opinion, i dont appreciate you saying i am being a brat. 
Posted by kizznible[/QUOTE]

Did I call you a brat?

Nope.  I said "don't be a brat."  That's my advice: don't be a brat. 

Why is it so important for you to shop with your mom?  Do you just want to spend that time with her, or do you want to have some say in what she wears?

Cortney1982

Why are your Aunts shopping for your mom?  Take your mom shopping, find her a dress she likes.  Make no mention of this new dress and your aunts should only find out at the wedding.  Hide the off white dress so the aunts can't find it and wear it!!!

kizznible

This is so important to me because my mother has been living out of state  for years and I want this experience with my mother. Our relationship is not that great in the first place, but I want to have this with my mother. I want her to pick out her dress and want to see her face and see her happy! To me the thing with my mom is about experience, but yes I will still say that it will upset me if my aunt wears this dress. We set up a time to shop this weekend. Lets hope we find something because my wedding is in 2 months. 

alyssabanducci

Is there any way you could see about dyeing the dress?  If your mom likes the style of the dress, that may very well be an option that allows your mom to wear the dress and keeps your aunt from wearing the off-white dress to your wedding.

seesawgirl

I would let her wear it, because, if I had to choose between my mother (who you say is very close to you) and an aunt (probably not as close) wearing something close to white to my wedding, I'd choose my mother. Look it as a way of showing honor to her. People would come closer to accepting the MOB wearing white, than an aunt. One looks like you did it on purpose, to honor her, the other looks like your aunt is being showy. Tradition is just tradition, its not law, and no one is going to confuse the two of you, don't worry! 

reneea_2

i have heard that it is not always uncommon for the mother of the bride to wear and offwhite dress but if you dont want anyone wearing anything in the white family i would just let them know. i have some ppl in mine and fi family that would do this out of spite so our groomsmen will be makeshift bouncers if you will and will escort any type of behavior that is not in the bride and groom's best interest. i find it particularly odd that if you tell your aunts and mom that you are against this, they are adamant on wearing this dress anyway. good luck.

collegebride2012

I was also under the impression that it was in bad taste for anyone other than the bride to wear plain whites unless it was okay'ed  by the bride and groom. That said if you asked your aunts to backed off then they should have done so. Take a breath though, if you are going shopping with your mom this weekend then you will find a dress and have that time. If your aunt wears the dress then she is the one who will look silly. Don't worry about it any longer cause you will just upset yourself for nothing. 

DiLynn83

Know what?  Seriously, don't sweat it.  Let your mom wear whatever she wants.  If she shows up in a white dress, she's going to look like a heel... no reflection on you whatsoever.

TNBride2012

I totally think you're right to be upset. Yes, it goes against etiquette to wear white to a wedding, so yes, your aunts are being rude, and you're right to feel hurt. Not that I'm at all a standard to judge by, but in your situation, I'd be hurt and more than a little ticked. There's nothing wrong with being upset, per se, it all depends on how you handle it, and I think you had every right to (calmly) let your mother know how you feel. I'm glad that you get time to go shopping with your mom, and I think you're right to value that time. My relationship with my mom is not that great, either, so I totally understand. As far as how to deal with your aunts, I like the hide-the-dress-and-don't-tell idea, but if that will cause WWIII on the day of the wedding, it might be best to give the dress back to your aunt. She will definitely look like the rude one if she wears it, which means there will more than likely be several guests who think she's rude and that you're gorgeous. :-) Also, the groomsmen-bouncer idea could come in handy......;-)

snuff9861

I was in a similar situation. My dress is ivory and my mom is wearing a champagne coloured dress. At first I was upset because it's similar in colour to my dress. Then I realized, who cares? It's a dress and at the end of the day I'm not going to care what she's wearing because I will be too busy making googly eyes at my new husband.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_wearing-white-off-white-ivory-and-any-form-of-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:17b6c1e3-7ac0-4deb-8282-1e31fc1f8555Post:dd52d124-e4da-466e-81b9-f6a440e8f8ff">Re: wearing white, off-white, ivory and any form of white</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to wearing white, off-white, ivory and any form of white : This is how I would handle it.  I would be thrilled that my mom had found a dress that makes her feel lovely and comfortable.  I would tell her how beautiful she looks.  I would know that nobody will mistake her for the bride.  I would not rain on her parade because I love her.
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

Yes, this.  I told my mom she could wear a full gown and veil if she wanted to.

I just will never understand why some brides get so worked up over guests wearing white.  Everyone knows whose wedding it is.

kizznible

Thank you for all your input. My mother and i will enjoy our day of shopping. the one thing I did not mention was my mother never tried the dress on, only saw a picture of it. So I am also glad that she will get to actually try things on. As far as my aunt, I thank you all, you have made me feel a little better about it and I have calmed down about the situation. I can't wait to shop MOB dresses on Saturday with my mom. Thanks Ladies

Kas254

Yeah I told my mom she could wear whatever she wants - but I knew she wouldn't wear white.
In your case, your Aunt sounds like she's being a total B, no offense. To be honest, if it were me, I would casually relay to everyone else in the family what the Aunt said and let them marvel at her offensiveness.
I know that's petty and stupid, but I wouldn't be able to help myself. Then, even if she wears the white dress, when everyone sees her they'll think of how dumb she looks.