How do I talk mom out of making me wear a veil?

ArborAlma

I've never been a big fan of veils. And when trying them on with my dress, I never had the 'wow I feel like a bride' moment. I want to opt instead for an asymmetrical feathered hairpiece/comb with a few scattered crystals. Mom INSISTS that I wear a veil - "you'll only regret it if you don't". "my friend's daughter didn't and it wasn't even like a wedding." "well you're going do to It anyway!' Strangely enough, many of the same stamements she made when I expressed interest in an ivory dress. She browbeat me into white... Then at the last second Wouldn't let me order anything BUT ivory when the salesgirl told her she'd only sold a half dozen white dresses in the last 3 years. I was hoping to postpone picking out a veil for long enough that it would be 'too late'. Then, out of nowhere, she took my sister's white veil and tea-stained it to ivory. My sister is pretty angry/hurt an I feel awful cause I didn't want one at all. Mom was upset that I'm not like jumping up and down after she forced me to try it on. Is there anyway I can get her to back down? Or do I just have to wear it and hope my sister feels less bad that I'll be using something of hers as 'borrowed/old'? Can it even be considered borrowed if she doesn't want it back all stained?

csweaney

Don't allow anyone to strong arm you into anything you don't want to do. It is YOUR wedding day and I recommend you stand up to your mother or she will continue to micro-manage all aspects of your life (even after your marriage, which will likely frustrate both you and your fiance). 

I would recommend telling her "Mom, I understand that to you it is important that I wear a veil. However, that is not what I want for my day so I will not be wearing one. I'm sorry if this disappoints you."

You have to be firm or she will wriggle around the excuse. I do, however, recommend that you make some sort of compromise. Like wearing a veil for a few of your solo pictures or pictures with your mother. Not sure if this will appease your mother--but it is worth a try. 

MiissMissy

Remind your mom its YOUR wedding day, at the end of the day I'm sure she will just want you to be happy and will forget about the veil. I'm chosing to not wear one at my wedding as well! Best of luck to you!

QueerFemme

I realize your mom is being a bully... but, at some point, you are going to have to remind her that you are a grown woman that is about to get married.  "Mom, I do not want to wear a veil, and I'm not going to.  I thought you understood that and I wish you wouldn't have ruined my sister's veil without her consent."

I don't mean this to sound rude... but, seriously, you are a grown up.  Your mom can't force you to wear a veil.  

calliopeia2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_how-do-i-talk-mom-out-of-making-me-wear-a-veil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:254fd281-990c-43e4-aa18-c17f7a4cd666Post:137ea168-7411-4cca-ba7b-c8ae1e1c0844">Re: How do I talk mom out of making me wear a veil?</a>:
[QUOTE]I realize your mom is being a bully... but, at some point, you are going to have to remind her that you are a grown woman that is about to get married.  "Mom, I do not want to wear a veil, and I'm not going to.  I thought you understood that and I wish you wouldn't have ruined my sister's veil without her consent." I don't mean this to sound rude... but, seriously, you are a grown up.  Your mom can't force you to wear a veil.  
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

This is kind of what I thought when I read this too.  How is your mom "forcing" you to do anything?  You don't have to talk her out of anything, you just have to say "No, mom, I don't want to wear a veil, and I'm not discussing it any further."  (Is she paying for the wedding, btw?  Because this is one of those situations where taking her money is obviously not a very good idea.)

AdeleDazeem

My mom hated the idea of me not wearing a veil.  I told her I didn't want one.  She would bring it up and I'd remind her that I didn't want one.  I used logical reasoning sometimes "It's going to be really windy outside, Mom.  I don't want it flying around!"  Other times I talked up what I did want in my hair.  "Fresh orchids!  Look at the pictures.  They're going to be so pretty."  And finally, I ignored her.

I didn't wear a veil.  My mom came up to me that day, said I looked beautiful, and was right not to wear a veil.  It was perfect without it.

GoodLuckBear14

I really don't mean to sound rude but how is it that you are old enough to be marreid yet you cannot stand up to your mother?  If it's because she's paying, then pay for everything yourself.  This post sounds like arguments that you hear between highschoolers and moms picking out prom dresses.

MyUserName1

Is she going to tie you down and jam it onto your skull?  Just don't put it on.

Or tell her you'll hang onto it and store it with your X (Dress, other accessories, etc.)  Then "forget" it on the wedding day. 

I'm assuming you're pretty young.  I wouldn't have this issue, because if my mother tried to "force" me to do anything, she would have no success whatsoever.  She'd hear "Thanks for your input, but I'm going to go in a different direction."

AurorasEnvy

You stand up and say "Mom, I am not wearing a veil.  My decision is final and this topic is not up for discussion."  She already had her chance to get married, this is your chance.

You are a soon to be a married woman with a husband and family of your own.  If you let your mom still treat you like a child with things relating to the wedding, don't be surprised when it carries over into how you run your household, how you raise your children, how you spend your money, etc.  I'm not trying to come across as b#tchy, but I think it's time to stand up for yourself!  You can do it, and it'll make every time after this so much easier =]

ArborAlma

Sadly, mom is paying. If I were paying we'd be having a courthouse wedding with dinner for 8 people afterwards. Sadly I'm only weeks away from the big day, so it's too late to go back and change. Believe it or not I'm nearly 30. But I'm pretty much doing whatever she says cause its no longer worth being complained at and attacked. There's no 'winning' with mom - even wen you're right, he just finds something else to be 'right' about and tries to twist tht back to bing right about everything. But with this one I'm just not happy with the overall look. I've considered 'losing it' enroute, but I'll be stuck staying at mom's house and relying on her transportation the entire week before the wedding, so basically she's got full contol of where the dress is almost never going to be out of her sight. I can't actually lose or damage it because it belongs to my sister I have only one bridesmaid and he has a young baby - so I can't really expect her to stage distractions all morning. Even so, mom may actually force it on to me - even at the expense of wrecking my hair if I struggle - then declare 'arent you happy - it looks ONE-thousand times better' just because she wants to be right. It would not be the first time she's done something like that. I could try politely telling my hair stylist that I don't want her to add it - but mom's not above making a scene in public.

KJeffs

I don't have much to add to what other people have said, they are all right.
If you don't stand up to her now she will never stop!!! My Grandma who raised me is the same way.
It took me having a daughter of my own and her telling me how to raise her for me to finally say enough...but Please don't wait that long..
Just say Mom I love you, thank you for everything you have done But I am not going to wear a veil.
If she already ruined your sisters veil, without her permission, then it is time for someone to tell her No.

Elle1036

Don't do anything deceptive like losing it or forgetting it.  If your mom already knows you don't want a veil, she'll see right through that.

Just tell her again that you don't want it and will not be wearing it.  Stand your ground.  And then ask for her help in choosing a hairpiece so she'll still feel involved.

My mom wanted me to wear a veil and a white dress, too, but I'm wearing an ivory dress and no veil.  She's not upset about it.  Honestly, it would be childish of your mom to be truly angry with you for that.

pgcp

Take the veil, return it to your sister and apologize for your mother ruining it (yes I know that mom should be the one to apologize and that you have nothing to to apologize for).  On your wedding day when mom asks where it is, remind her that you said you weren't wearing one, and that you returned it to your sister.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_how-do-i-talk-mom-out-of-making-me-wear-a-veil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:254fd281-990c-43e4-aa18-c17f7a4cd666Post:76b5c409-fca0-4331-b6a9-78a013169bfc">Re: How do I talk mom out of making me wear a veil?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sadly, mom is paying. If I were paying we'd be having a courthouse wedding with dinner for 8 people afterwards. Sadly I'm only weeks away from the big day, so it's too late to go back and change. Believe it or not I'm nearly 30. But I'm pretty much doing whatever she says cause its no longer worth being complained at and attacked. There's no 'winning' with mom - even wen you're right, he just finds something else to be 'right' about and tries to twist tht back to bing right about everything. But with this one I'm just not happy with the overall look. I've considered 'losing it' enroute, but I'll be stuck staying at mom's house and relying on her transportation the entire week before the wedding, so basically she's got full contol of where the dress is almost never going to be out of her sight. I can't actually lose or damage it because it belongs to my sister :( I have only one bridesmaid and he has a young baby - so I can't really expect her to stage distractions all morning. Even so, mom may actually force it on to me - even at the expense of wrecking my hair if I struggle - then declare 'arent you happy - it looks ONE-thousand times better' just because she wants to be right. It would not be the first time she's done something like that. I could try politely telling my hair stylist that I don't want her to add it - but mom's not above making a scene in public.
Posted by ArborAlma[/QUOTE]

Your mother is using her money to control you and since you don't know how to stand up to her, I have a feeling she's done this your entire life.  Refuse any of her money from here on out and find a backbone.  If you are not able to do this, I'm afraid that you will have a very difficult marriage because nobody handles medling in laws well if their spouse isn't willing or able to stand up to them.

C&MMartel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_how-do-i-talk-mom-out-of-making-me-wear-a-veil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:254fd281-990c-43e4-aa18-c17f7a4cd666Post:e112dd50-f255-4cdd-8601-78ff909c239f">Re: How do I talk mom out of making me wear a veil?</a>:
[QUOTE]Take the veil, return it to your sister and apologize for your mother ruining it (yes I know that mom should be the one to apologize and that you have nothing to to apologize for).  On your wedding day when mom asks where it is, remind her that you said you weren't wearing one, and that you returned it to your sister.
Posted by pgcp[/QUOTE]
I agree with this, its the way i would handle it if i were you. Or you can always wait until you start dressing for the wedding and when she goes to hand you the veil just say "oh no, dont you remember , i told you i wasnt wearing one" ... her money is already spent and you get your way. And if she complains tell her shes ruining your wedding and that the one day you will always remember as a mother daughter moment is her being pig headed because its not all about her all the time....

...ok so maybe not all that part at the end.. but still.. lol

Lisa50

You talk your mom out of it by simply not wearing a veil.  Whenever she brings it up, tell her (in the nicest, syrupy way possible) that it's just not going to happen.  Remind her, ever so gently, that this is your wedding and you will not wear it.  Period.  You don't really have to talk her out of it.

And, unless she is going to have your bridesmaids hold you down and attach a veil to your head just prior to your walk down the aisle, take comfort in knowing this ... there is actually no way she can actually make you wear it on your wedding day.  That's sort of a humorous image.  Good luck!!

calliopeia2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_how-do-i-talk-mom-out-of-making-me-wear-a-veil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:254fd281-990c-43e4-aa18-c17f7a4cd666Post:76b5c409-fca0-4331-b6a9-78a013169bfc">Re: How do I talk mom out of making me wear a veil?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sadly, mom is paying. If I were paying we'd be having a courthouse wedding with dinner for 8 people afterwards. Sadly I'm only weeks away from the big day, so it's too late to go back and change. Believe it or not I'm nearly 30. But I'm pretty much doing whatever she says cause its no longer worth being complained at and attacked. There's no 'winning' with mom - even wen you're right, he just finds something else to be 'right' about and tries to twist tht back to bing right about everything. But with this one I'm just not happy with the overall look. I've considered 'losing it' enroute, but I'll be stuck staying at mom's house and relying on her transportation the entire week before the wedding, so basically she's got full contol of where the dress is almost never going to be out of her sight. I can't actually lose or damage it because it belongs to my sister :( I have only one bridesmaid and he has a young baby - so I can't really expect her to stage distractions all morning.<strong> Even so, mom may actually force it on to me - even at the expense of wrecking my hair if I struggle - then declare 'arent you happy - it looks ONE-thousand times better' just because she wants to be right. It would not be the first time she's done something like that. I could try politely telling my hair stylist that I don't want her to add it - but mom's not above making a scene in public.</strong>
Posted by ArborAlma[/QUOTE]

If you think your mom would literally assault you in order to win an argument (and yes, grabbing you and forcing a veil onto your head is legally assault and battery) then you have bigger problems than any of us can help you with, and you should seek family counseling and possibly police intervention.  I mean that seriously; I'm not being facetious.