Am I being a bridezilla???

rel1988

Ok maybe I just need more perspective here:
A couple weeks ago I told my BM's I have an aunt who works at a bridal salon and can give them all 25% off, so in an effort to save them all money I would try and pick dresses from there, which they were all in agreement with. 
I was at the shop this past weekend with my sis (also MOH) and mom. They had new samples in that are actually not in stores yet. The samples will be there until next week and then gone until they actually get the line in store the 1st of March. My wedding is just under 7 months so we need to get going on picking out these dresses. I picked out 4 I liked that the BM's could mix and match between and with the discount they would be a little under $100. I texted all of them asking if they would be able to come try on/pick out which ones they like either this upcoming Sat while the samples are still in, or if it would be possible for first thing in March as by that time the wedding would be only 6mths away.
2 BM's who were out shopping together text me back that they have a friend who owns a store (similar to Forever 21) and they had just emailed her to ask her buyers to look for navy, chiffon dresses so we can get them from her instead, bc they might be even cheaper (and less formal). Without even consulting me about this! My one friend is going back to school this summer and I called her and explained that I was trying to find the cheapest dresses as possible and why this discount would allow for that. I also pointed out that her being in the wedding was gift enough and if she is worried about money I absolutely don't expect anything else from her. But seriously I don't think $100 for a BM dress is too much to ask for. Especially since they were out shopping while discussing this with me and was telling me about the $100 running shoes she just bought! Am I being unreasonable??? These dresses I want need to be ordered early March at the latest and even if this girl finds dresses I like, I still won't be able to physically see the color and fabric in person until she gets them shipped in from LA. Not to mention, one of my BM is out of state and the shop I want to order them from has another location by her so she will actually be able to try on her dress too...UGH I am so frazzled.

princess pop

I would be frustrated if I were you, especially if you are trying to keep the color tone between all of the dresses the same. This is much easier to do from an actual bridal store. If you aren't bothered about the dresses all being the same shade of navy, then maybe it isn't such a big deal.

Under 100$ for a BM dress is reasonable, IMO.

Jager1219

OK - there are a few things wrong here.

1 - you don't get to judge other people on how they spend their money.  So how much they pay for running shoes or anything else is irrelevant.

2 - while you have good intentions at keeping the cost of the dress down, have you asked for their budget?  If not, then you need to ask them privately how much they can spend.  Then get a dress that fits that budget.  Or just tell them that you want a dress in a specific color/material (navy/chiffon) & let them find one that meets their budget.

3 - is it possible they don't like the style of dress that you're looking at which is why they're shopping around?  Or maybe they're just trying to be helpful & come up with other options?

4 - for your out-of-state BM, can she try on the dress by her?  Many designers sell across the country.  If so, then she'll know what it looks like even if you place the actual order at your local store.

rel1988

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-being-a-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:2cf1c19c-8244-4a2f-9526-4294aefab5ccPost:8c07232a-c6be-4573-a29e-d3b6d0e0712f">Re: Am I being a bridezilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]OK - there are a few things wrong here. 1 - you don't get to judge other people on how they spend their money.  So how much they pay for running shoes or anything else is irrelevant. 2 - while you have good intentions at keeping the cost of the dress down, have you asked for their budget?  If not, then you need to ask them privately how much they can spend.  Then get a dress that fits that budget.  Or just tell them that you want a dress in a specific color/material (navy/chiffon) & let them find one that meets their budget. 3 - is it possible they don't like the style of dress that you're looking at which is why they're shopping around?  Or maybe they're just trying to be helpful & come up with other options? 4 - for your out-of-state BM, can she try on the dress by her?  Many designers sell across the country.  If so, then she'll know what it looks like even if you place the actual order at your local store.
Posted by Jager1219[/QUOTE]

1--I know, I know...that was just my frustration coming out at the situation
2--I told them all I personally don't feel comfortable asking them to spend more than $140. They all had previously told me this was totally fine. Everyone is still ok with that amount, expect the BM who started this whole debacle. Actually, during our phone call she said she was still ok with paying $140 she just wanted me to be "open minded" to looking at the dresses her friend can come up with.
3--I am letting them pick out whatever style they want as long is it is navy, knee length and a chiffon type fabric. So no they can pick whatever neckline, cut etc they want. I don't know if I'm comfortable having them just buy whatever they want on their own because I want them all the same shade of navy.
4--This store her friend owns is a boutique and would be getting them from her buyers on the other end of the country so there is no way my friend in AZ could try it on before ordering.

ndjk16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-being-a-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:2cf1c19c-8244-4a2f-9526-4294aefab5ccPost:13b09f29-7b8c-4ee9-a361-17814458ffaa">Am I being a bridezilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok maybe I just need more perspective here: A couple weeks ago I told my BM's I have an aunt who works at a bridal salon and can give them all 25% off, so in an effort to save them all money I would try and pick dresses from there, which they were all in agreement with.  I was at the shop this past weekend with my sis (also MOH) and mom. They had new samples in that are actually not in stores yet. The samples will be there until next week and then gone until they actually get the line in store the 1st of March. My wedding is just under 7 months so we need to get going on picking out these dresses. I picked out 4 I liked that the BM's could mix and match between and with the discount they would be a little under $100. I texted all of them asking if they would be able to come try on/pick out which ones they like either this upcoming Sat while the samples are still in, or if it would be possible for first thing in March as by that time the wedding would be only 6mths away. 2 BM's who were out shopping together text me back that they have a friend who owns a store (similar to Forever 21) and they had just emailed her to ask her buyers to look for navy, chiffon dresses so we can get them from her instead, bc they might be even cheaper (and less formal). Without even consulting me about this! My one friend is going back to school this summer and I called her and explained that I was trying to find the cheapest dresses as possible and why this discount would allow for that. I also pointed out that her being in the wedding was gift enough and if she is worried about money I absolutely don't expect anything else from her. But seriously I don't think $100 for a BM dress is too much to ask for. Especially since they were out shopping while discussing this with me and was telling me about the $100 running shoes she just bought! Am I being unreasonable??? These dresses I want need to be ordered early March at the latest and even if this girl finds dresses I like, I still won't be able to physically see the color and fabric in person until she gets them shipped in from LA. Not to mention, one of my BM is out of state and the shop I want to order them from has another location by her so she will actually be able to try on her dress too...UGH I am so frazzled.
Posted by rel1988[/QUOTE]

You are totally NOT being a bridezilla!  I do not at all think that $100 is too much to pay for a BM dress.  When accepting to be in someone's wedding, you should have in your mind that you will be paying at least $100 for a dress if not a little more.  You are being more than gracious thinking about them first when picking the dresses out anyway.  Plus, it is YOUR wedding not theirs!  So for them to be doing some "shopping" for BM dresses behind your back is selfish & disrespectful.  If they are good friends & BM's, they would respect your decision and make suggestions not requests or do things behind your back without consulting you first.  If they want to be in your wedding, they should respect you & your wishes!  If I were you I would totally confront her/them about it.

erinlin25

I don't think you are being a bridezilla yet, but most important thing is did you ask the girls individually what there budget was?  Yes they may spend $100 on a pair of running shoes, but they also will wear those a million times, where as a bridesmaid dress most likely will not be worn again.  I think you are very sweet to have looekd at getting them a budget friendly dress option, but maybe just look into their dress option too and see if it could coordinate the styles you picked.  It doesn't sound like they went behind your back, it just looks like they were trying to be helpful.  Check out their dress  find;  If they match your vision give the girls the option to pick which dress they want.  If they are not formal enough, its okay to tell them that too.  Just breathe and remember they are ones who will wear and purchase the dress so listen to them as well.  But end of they day you do get a final say on their options given the dress choice is in their budgets (which it sounds like yours is very reasonable).  

Maggie0829

Did you actually ask each person individually what their budget was or did you just assume that anything under $140 would be ok and then they had no choice but to feel pressured to agree?  There is a big difference between the two.

I know your one BM who seems to be causing you the stress is saying that $140 is ok but her actions say the opposite.  If she is wanting you to be "open minded" and look around then she really isn't ok with a $140 price tag but may be too ashamed or embarassed to say so.

I think you need to take a step back and refocus.  You still have plenty of time to order dresses.  I would tell your girls that you are sorry you jumped the gun and had meant to ask their budgets.  Then I would ask each BM individually what their absolute max is on a budget for the dress.  The lowest number given is the price that you have to stay below.

Since you want the same color navy then I would pick a designer within the price point given by your BMs and then tell them to pick whatever dress they want as long as it is by X desinger, with Y fabric, and Z length.

Peledreamsofrain

I'm thinking the friend in the middle of all of this felt peer pressured into green-lighting the dresses despite not liking them.  Now she's trying to come up with other options.  Sit down and talk it out with her, you may be surprised to find out the root cause.  Stuff like this usually doesn't go well over IM/Texting.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-being-a-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:2cf1c19c-8244-4a2f-9526-4294aefab5ccPost:5d8b775f-b38b-431f-bfde-8398e2fee8ab">Re: Am I being a bridezilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Am I being a bridezilla??? : You are totally NOT being a bridezilla! <strong> I do not at all think that $100 is too much to pay for a BM dress.  When accepting to be in someone's wedding, you should have in your mind that you will be paying at least $100 for a dress if not a little more.</strong>  You are being more than gracious thinking about them first when picking the dresses out anyway. <strong> Plus, it is YOUR wedding not theirs!</strong>  So for them to be doing some "shopping" for BM dresses behind your back is selfish & disrespectful.  If they are good friends & BM's, they would respect your decision and make suggestions not requests or do things behind your back without consulting you first.  If they want to be in your wedding, they should respect you & your wishes!  If I were you I would totally confront her/them about it.
Posted by ndjk16[/QUOTE]

Just because you don't think $100 is too much for a BM dress doesn't mean that others feel the same way.  Some people may not be able to afford a $100 dress let alone anything more.  That is why you have to take your BMs budgets into account.

As far as the second bolded.  It stops being just YOUR day when you include other people.  These individuals are suppose to be your friends and as such you should respect their opinions and finances.  You shouldn't expect your friends to go into the poor house for a one day party.  I also don't think it was selfish or disrespectful to look at other dresses without the bride knowing.  At least they are showing some interest in the wedding which is a lot more then some brides get.  The bride needs to find out each persons true budget individually and then refocus.

ajuled87

I don't think so at all. It is your wedding. You have the right to do what you want. Yes you have asked these people to be in your wedding and I am assuming they understand it is your wedding and you have a certain vision. I don't think you are unreasonable asking them to buy from a certain store if that's the place you are comfortable with when it comes to the color and texture then they should respect that choice.

ndjk16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-being-a-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:2cf1c19c-8244-4a2f-9526-4294aefab5ccPost:88a84431-b08e-455f-a045-94da16fc98d6">Re: Am I being a bridezilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a bridezilla??? : Just because you don't think $100 is too much for a BM dress doesn't mean that others feel the same way.  Some people may not be able to afford a $100 dress let alone anything more.  That is why you have to take your BMs budgets into account. As far as the second bolded.  It stops being just YOUR day when you include other people.  These individuals are suppose to be your friends and as such you should respect their opinions and finances.  You shouldn't expect your friends to go into the poor house for a one day party.  I also don't think it was selfish or disrespectful to look at other dresses without the bride knowing.  At least they are showing some interest in the wedding which is a lot more then some brides get.  The bride needs to find out each persons true budget individually and then refocus.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

Oh I never said not to consider your BM's budgets or feelings, and would never expect anyone to "go into the poor house for a one day party".  That would just be rediculous!  I was simply saying that more times than not BM dresses are at least $100, and I really don't think that is too much for a BM dress.  Everyone is different though, and talking with your BM's to see if you can come to a compromise is a good thing to do, BUT for them to go behind her back & shop themselves for her wedding was a little out of line I think.  They really should have consulted with her first. Because yes even though you're including others in your wedding day it is still YOUR day!  I would never expect anyone to not consider anyone else's feelings in this decision making process, especially being close family & friends sharing your special day, but I do believe that when it's all said & done it is the B&G's decision. It sounds to me that she was already thinking about their feelings & budgets b/c she was getting them a discount.  That's why she wanted to get them in when she did. And I'm sure she felt like they were stepping on her toe's a little by going behind her back.  At least that's how it sounds. If something that the B&G decide is something out of your budget or something you can't do, then confront them about it and I'm sure being your friend &/or family they would be more than accomidating as long as it's discussed first.  Maybe if these girls would have talked to her about it first, she may have been a little more forthcoming to the idea. 

Jager1219

ndjk - I guess we just have very different perspectives.  I would have loved to have my BM go shopping without me.  FWIW, I had my BM pick whatever style dress they liked by the same designer in the same color & fabric.  When I went and was looking at dresses I kept thinking that certain dresses would suit certain girls well.  I also was thinking about their personal styles.  Every single one of them surprised me by picking out a style that I wouldn't have thought they would like.  And they all are gorgeous dresses and the styles they picked suit them much better than what I would have picked for them.

ndjk16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-being-a-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:2cf1c19c-8244-4a2f-9526-4294aefab5ccPost:015db55a-0cd0-4ce3-bdd4-1f4ba9810250">Re: Am I being a bridezilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]ndjk - I guess we just have very different perspectives.  I would have loved to have my BM go shopping without me.  FWIW, I had my BM pick whatever style dress they liked by the same designer in the same color & fabric.  When I went and was looking at dresses I kept thinking that certain dresses would suit certain girls well.  I also was thinking about their personal styles.  Every single one of them surprised me by picking out a style that I wouldn't have thought they would like.  And they all are gorgeous dresses and the styles they picked suit them much better than what I would have picked for them.
Posted by Jager1219[/QUOTE]

I was the MOH in a wedding last May, and that's what she did.  She just told us the fabric & color she wanted, and let us pick out our own dresses.  I think that's completely fine.  Pretty much all up to the bride, & every bride is different.  I personally want all my BM's to be in the same color & dress.  I did, however, consult with them before picking out the dress though.  I wanted to make sure the dress I picked was a good fit for all sorts of body types, comfortable, and made sure that if it was strapless that they could add straps if they wanted.  I don't mind.  And they all tried it on before purchasing to make sure it was a good fit also.  I just wanted all my girls in the same dress for my wedding, and they were all completely fine with it.  I don't think it's a bad idea to let them pick out their own at all.  Purely preference! =)

rel1988

No I actually WANT them to pick out their own so things don't look so uniform...that being said I would like them at least picked out from the same designer/color/fabric so the color is identical. Does anyone have any suggestions of where I can get BM dresses then for under $100?? Because I am really having a hard time!

I am not upset that she went and talked to her friend about finding dresses without consulting me...I am open minded and who knows, maybe I'll find something I like. It's just the timeline that stresses me out and she kind of had this attitude of she would go with the selections I picked only after I looked at what her friend could come up with. If I was getting married a year from now, that would be ok. Beginning of March is going to be only 6 mths out though and the dresses at the salon I'm looking at take 4 to come in...then add some time for alterations...I'm just paranoid by the time she gets this all worked out with her friend it might be too late to order these dresses and I'll have to find another collection. And not to sound like a witch, but I feel like she's kind of calling the shots on this

erinlin25

can you get a color swatch that you like-- give it to the girls. This way if they get their own dress at a different store they can match it so they know to only pick a dress that is the true color.   It does sound like the dress option you already set up is an affordable route-- just be open to checking out other dresses they want to try to match it to in case they can find something cheaper.

ndjk16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-being-a-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:2cf1c19c-8244-4a2f-9526-4294aefab5ccPost:6c3c355b-66d4-4ef5-bd08-4d1dd33b5305">Re: Am I being a bridezilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]Because yes even though you're including others in your wedding day it is still YOUR day! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And no again. Check yourself for scales....because the bride has stepped over the line into Zilla territory when she utters those words. It stops being the couple's day the moment they choose to involve others in it, which they do by selecting a wedding party, and inviting guests.  They have a license to get married, not to do whatever they want and expect their friends and family to roll over and take it. Brides who do this usually find they don't have friends after their one Perfect Day is over.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I disagree!  But everyone has their own opinion.  So if you're having a party at your house for your birthday, is it not your day?  Or maybe for your child, you have a party for them, are you not going to say that it is their party?  Or if someone refuses to wear the color you pick or demand to wear a tiarra or something you didn't count on, you'll just let them do what they want b/c it's not just your day?  I would NEVER say to not consider others opinions, feelings, budgets, or anything else.  That would be very selfish!  It is YOU that is getting married though & YOU that is paying for everything besides the BM dresses usually & a few other things that others offer to pay for.  Just because it's your day doesn't mean you have to be mean &/or selfish!  All I'm saying is that it is still YOUR day even though you are including your family & friends. As long as someone is not demanding of you & your time, then I don't see anything wrong with wanting it mostly how they want it.  You can still be considerate of others in your family & WP even though it's your wedding day.  I don't think you are considered a "ZILLA" just because you want your wedding day the way you'd like it to be.  You don't ever want to look back & regret anything.  If you are demanding of everyone & everything involved & seem to get upset at every little thing, then I would consider that a "ZILLA". Just be open to other's opinions & suggestions, but there is no reason why their can't be compromise so it is what you would invision for your big day.  I am extremely open to my family & friends suggestions, and I haven't had one problem with anyone in my family, wedding party, or other.  I have asked my family & BM's about decisions that I have been making, and have been very open to everyone's thoughts & concerns. I have NEVER once demanded anything from anyone. My family & friends have been very supportive of me & ask what I would like, and my whole experience has been wonderful so far.  No scales here, thanks!  Like I said before, if someone lets their BM's pick their own dress or lets them make certain decisions that is completely fine, & it's all about personal preference.  Everyone has their own opinions & preferences.

ndjk16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-i-being-a-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:2cf1c19c-8244-4a2f-9526-4294aefab5ccPost:4a7bf5ea-43fc-4ed8-a31a-b86893bf25dc">Re: Am I being a bridezilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]No I actually WANT them to pick out their own so things don't look so uniform...that being said I would like them at least picked out from the same designer/color/fabric so the color is identical. Does anyone have any suggestions of where I can get BM dresses then for under $100?? Because I am really having a hard time! I am not upset that she went and talked to her friend about finding dresses without consulting me...I am open minded and who knows, maybe I'll find something I like. It's just the timeline that stresses me out and she kind of had this attitude of she would go with the selections I picked only after I looked at what her friend could come up with. If I was getting married a year from now, that would be ok. Beginning of March is going to be only 6 mths out though and the dresses at the salon I'm looking at take 4 to come in...then add some time for alterations...I'm just paranoid by the time she gets this all worked out with her friend it might be too late to order these dresses and I'll have to find another collection. And not to sound like a witch, but I feel like she's kind of calling the shots on this
Posted by rel1988[/QUOTE]

rel1988, you seem to be very laid back & I respect how you're handling everything. I can see how you would be concerned about the time. I know it may be a little nerve wrecking to order dresses online sometimes, but have you maybe thought about looking at that? If you could find a nice dress in your color that is under $100, maybe they could take the dress somewhere to get alterations if needed. The wedding I was a part of in May last year there were a couple girls that took their dresses to a local place to get alterations after calling around, and got them done almost 65% cheaper than at a salon. I hope you can find something that you & your bridesmaids both like & can afford & can get to them in time. Good Luck!! =)