I changed my mind!

mlg78

This morning I suddenly decided to not have my girls wear the same dress and instead let them choose their own.  I'm fairly secure with this decision except for my MOH.

Two bridesmaids are very fit and anything will look good on them.  Another is plus size and will hopefully be pregnant by the time we buy the dresses in May.  Those three I have NO doubts that they'll choose a great dress that flatters their body type as they already know what looks good on them.

My MOH, however, is a different story.  She is plus size but she carries her weight all in her belly, much like a man.  Despite my constant efforts to try to get her to wear flowy dresses or empire waisted stuff, she refuses so when it came time to look at BM dresses, I, of course, chose a dress that was more a-line and flattering to all body types.  In fact, I chose this one initially:  http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Short-Sleevess-Satin-Dress-with-Ruched-Waist-F14823_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Shop-By-Color

Today I tell all the girls about my change of heart and the three I'm not worried about immediately select beautiful styles online based on my color choice of lapis.  My MOH chose a snug fitting anything but flowy dress.

I don't know how to approach this.  I feel like I've had this conversation with her so many times in the past that I'm beating a dead horse.  She's already feeling insecure about being somewhat in the spotlight at my wedding so I want her to feel good about herself.  How can I approach this?  I do want to "approve" what my girls wear...but so far, that hasn't been a problem and I don't think it will be with three of them.  Please advise!

Barbiiieee

Firstly, I think empire waist dresses look really unflattering on apple shaped women. It makes them all look pregnant IMO, which is NOT how a woman who isn't pregnant wants to look.

Also, is she just looking online, or has she been to try them on? I bet you that when she goes to try a dress on in a store and it is unflattering, she will change her mind. What kinds of dresses was she selecting that you don't like? I mean, if the idea is to let them select their own dresses so they can choose what they like, IMO, you need to let them do just that. If you single her out, she will probably know it, and she will probably feel like it is because of her size.

Alternatively, you could also specify the fabric and choose something like, chiffon, which pretty much only come in styles that flow more.

daubachsgirl23

Let her wear whatever she feels comfortable in.  Alternatively, you could pick a few styles and let the girls pick between those.  If you're going to let them choose any dress, though, don't single out your plus-sized MOH as the only one who can't chose her own dress.  Regardless of how you feel she looks in the dress, if she feels beautiful, let that be good enough for you.

mlg78

Yes, she has been to try on dresses.  Her favorite is this: http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Strapless-Satin-Short-Dress-with-Pleating-F15103_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Shop-By-Color

It only amplifies her belly even more.  I'm plus sized too...so that's why I'm trying to handle this so gently.  She and I have made plans to go with just the two of us on Sunday to look at dresses so she isn't singled out.  In the past I've overheard people making comments about her when she wears clothing that is too tight and I don't want her to experience that again.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_i-changed-my-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:6ea8d2cb-32e9-4165-8798-ca901ae25235Post:d436aad5-d4f6-47c5-ad61-af195e1a9bb4">Re: I changed my mind!</a>:
[QUOTE]  Regardless of how you feel she looks in the dress, if she feels beautiful, let that be good enough for you.
Posted by daubachsgirl23[/QUOTE]

<div>This. You can suggest all the styles you want, but if she doesn't like them, there isn't a lot you can do. </div>

LisaA2014

Umm you either let them pick what they want or you don't. If you let them pick what they want you don't micromanage it. Wow I don't usually post here but I feel awful for your friend....

femme55

The dress she chose might not be bad if she gets a proper-fitting size.  Perhaps she has been making the mistake of buying things in sizes too small, making her look bigger.

mlg78

In Response to Re:I changed my mind!:[QUOTE]Umm you either let them pick what they want or you don't. If you let them pick what they want you don't micromanage it. Wow I don't usually post here but I feel awful for your friend.... Posted by LisaA2014[/QUOTE]

I only want her to feel comfortable and beautiful. She has been my best friend for years so I know her insecurities and I want her to be happy. Wanting someone to be happy and beautiful is no reason to feel awful for them.

mlg78

In Response to Re:I changed my mind!:[QUOTE]The dress she chose might not be bad if she gets a properfitting size. nbsp;Perhaps she has been making the mistake of buying things in sizes too small, making her look bigger. Posted by femme55hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

I think this would help a lot with her clothing. It doesn't help that bridal sizes are so much bigger than street sizes either! :

Avion22

I'm pretty sure you don't mean to, but it sounds like you're worried about her looking bad in your wedding.  If she likes the dress she chose, then that's the end of it. You told them to pick out a style, and she did.  How she looks/feels in it is none of your business.

Now, if she ASKS you for your honest opinion, I think it's okay, because you are so close, to tell her that you think another style might be more flattering, and that you'd like to see it on her in order to compare.    

If she doesn't ask you, then you shouldn't say ANYTHING.

Barbiiieee

I think you're coming from a place where it is like... you want her to feel good, but you also want her to get pictures back and thinks she looks good too? 

I think it is a sticky subject, and I agree with you that dress she chose wouldn't be flattering on most body types. I don't carry much extra weight in my stomach, but I know I wouldn't feel comfortable in that dress. Can you show us what dresses your other BMs went with?

It's tough, and honestly, if it were me, I would make sure she got measured and ordered the dress in the correct size, but I would not say anything else about her wearing it. I really think the only way you can go about it without offending her is to tell her it doesn't work with the dresses the other girls selected, and you better make sure that is the truth... or you will have to pick a fabric choice as well as the color for all the girls. Most the chiffon dresses at DB that come in your color are flowy and universally flattering. 

QueerFemme

I honestly think, if you decided to let them choose their own dresses, you need to back off.  If she picked a dress that SHE feels looks good on her, then that's all you can do.    You can go with her to try on a different size, or remind her, that BM dresses are sized differently then her street clothes, but if she wants to wear something more tight fitting, or in a smaller size, then you just have to back off and let her do that.  You said you wanted to let them choose their own dresses, and that's what she did.

[Deleted User]

Let her try on the styles she likes. Then pick out a few dresses you like or see what the sales clerk might recommend. An experienced sales clerk will know what dresses they carry that will compliment her body shape the best. Ask your friend to amuse you and to try on the styles that you and/or the sales clerk pick out & while doing it to keep an open mind.

Take a picture of her in every dress she tries on. Go back later and look at the pictures together. Maybe once she sees herself in photos it will be easier for her to see which dresses looked better on her.

Good luck & hopefully it turns out to be a wonderful experience for both of you.

femme55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_i-changed-my-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:6ea8d2cb-32e9-4165-8798-ca901ae25235Post:d03f8d36-a2f1-4b29-9c92-dfa01535b761">Re:I changed my mind!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I changed my mind!: I think this would help a lot with her clothing. It doesn't help that bridal sizes are so much bigger than street sizes either! :
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, you have to just let her know this ahead of time and tell her to ignore the number (or even cut out the tag!) so she doesn't use it as a pyschological block to buy the wrong size.</div>

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_i-changed-my-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:6ea8d2cb-32e9-4165-8798-ca901ae25235Post:82e6fa8f-b652-42a5-b399-295d5f8fb82d">Re: I changed my mind!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're coming from a place where it is like... you want her to feel good, but you also want her to get pictures back and thinks she looks good too?  I think it is a sticky subject, and I agree with you that dress she chose wouldn't be flattering on most body types. I don't carry much extra weight in my stomach, but I know I wouldn't feel comfortable in that dress. Can you show us what dresses your other BMs went with? It's tough, and honestly, if it were me, I would make sure she got measured and ordered the dress in the correct size, but I would not say anything else about her wearing it. I really think the only way you can go about it without offending her is to tell her it doesn't work with the dresses the other girls selected, and you better make sure that is the truth... or you will have to pick a fabric choice as well as the color for all the girls. Most the chiffon dresses at DB that come in your color are flowy and universally flattering. 
Posted by Barbiiieee[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is it EXACTLY. I've seen her feel insecure in dresses she's chosen in the past (not wedding related) and I want her to stand next to me that day proud, secure, and happy, the person I know she can be.</div><div>
</div><div>As for what the other BMs are thinking of selecting (nobody has made anything official since I just decided to do separate dresses yesterday)...</div><div>
</div><div>The most in-shape BM: <a href="http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Strapless-Satin-Dress-with-Pleated-Back-and-Brooch-F15401_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Shop-By-Color" rel="nofollow">http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Strapless-Satin-Dress-with-Pleated-Back-and-Brooch-F15401_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Shop-By-Color</a></div><div>
</div><div>The BM who is plus size but will hopefully be pregnant at the time of my wedding will choose this one if she isn't preggers, undecided on the style if she is pregnant: <a href="http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Chiffon-Sweetheart-Short-Dress-with-Cap-Sleeves-F15406_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Shop-By-Color" rel="nofollow">http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Chiffon-Sweetheart-Short-Dress-with-Cap-Sleeves-F15406_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Shop-By-Color</a></div><div>
</div><div>The third BM hasn't made a decision yet but that's the way the other two are leaning...I agree that chiffon will probably be best for her.  I even think many of the long dresses would look beautiful on her as well.  Hopefully she feels good about them on Sunday.  I also asked that she bring silver and black heels...because no formal dress looks good when you're wearing socks! :)

</div>

Avion22

I carry weight in my tummy as well, and I think the dress she chose is fine, as long as she gets the right size.   

mlg78

She ended up choosing a beautiful short dress with pickups on the bottom, ruching to hide her tummy and we came up with bridal terminology along the way -- church cleavage or "Jesus-approved" cleavage!  She is so happy with the dress and I'm thrilled to see her happy with something that makes her feel beautiful.