• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Attire and Accessories

My Mother-In-Law Disapproves

My soon to be mother-in-law disapproves of all of my wedding ideas! Her and her husband got married in the living room of their home when they were 20 and believe "the more money you spend, the more likely your marriage is to fail!" I am not planning on having a lavish, expensive wedding (especially since we're the ones paying for most of it), but she is opposed to any idea I have that would increase the expense. 

For example, I want to rent china and she thinks we should just have paper plates in order to save money. I don't like paper plates, I think it's a bit tacky and we're going to be serving pasta so the sauce could potentially soak through the paper plate. She says she can't believe I'm "the type of person who would spend $300 on renting china instead of saving up money for a down payment on a house" and it really hurt my feelings. Should I just give her what she wants or how do I explain to her that I don't feel like renting china is unreasonable or in her words "too flashy"?
Wedding Countdown Ticker
«1

Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves

  • I hate it when people are like this. Don't cave, especially if you are the one paying. Just thank her for her ideas and let her know that it's important to you to be an excellent and gracious host to your guests. She can't argue with that!
  • twilight.rosetwilight.rose member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited August 2010
    Is your FMIL paying for the wedding? If you and your FI are paying, you can do whatever you would like.

    If she disapproves, just avoid discussing wedding details with her. I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time dealing with her, but it sounds like you're bringing it on yourself a bit by continuing to talk about the details of your wedding when you know how she will react.

    **i'm a little drunk on you and high on summertime** Photobucket
  • Politely remind her that she is not paying and you will decide on things as a couple. And, be careful what you say around her. In other words, don't open a can of worms. And if/when she asks you about specifics about the wedding, just tell her we already have it figured out/covered, etc.
    image
    Anniversary
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_mother-law-disapproves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:da305c25-ae73-4e05-b4a5-ba9be1098a44Post:a9b9aebb-21a0-4fbf-96f8-64ef639c0ca3">Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves</a>:
    [QUOTE]Politely remind her that she is not paying and you will decide on things as a couple. And, be careful what you say around her. In other words, don't open a can of worms. And if/when she asks you about specifics about the wedding, just tell her we already have it figured out/covered, etc.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

    This.
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_mother-law-disapproves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:da305c25-ae73-4e05-b4a5-ba9be1098a44Post:a9b9aebb-21a0-4fbf-96f8-64ef639c0ca3">Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves</a>:
    [QUOTE]Politely remind her that she is not paying and you will decide on things as a couple. And, be careful what you say around her. In other words, don't open a can of worms. And if/when she asks you about specifics about the wedding, just tell her we already have it figured out/covered, etc.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.  However, at some point your FI may have to step in and get his mother under control if this doesn't work.  And I stress that this will be your FI's responsibility.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • I hate HATE the "use it as a downpayment on a house" effing statements. Not all of us want to own a home. To some of us, it's really not that important. Do what you want without incurring debt! Paper plates at a wedding!? Cheese and crackers.
  • Woah!  Major bummer. :(  Don't let her dictate things.  Living room wedding=another generation.  It's amount of love a couple shares.  If politeness doesn't work, do a little math for her--half of ALL marriages end in divorce, not just the expensive ones! :)

    Good luck.

    142 Ready To Celebrate! image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_mother-law-disapproves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:da305c25-ae73-4e05-b4a5-ba9be1098a44Post:387979e6-5449-445b-b460-08d9322047ef">Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves : Agreed.  However, at some point your FI may have to step in and get his mother under control if this doesn't work.  And I stress that this will be your FI's responsibility.
    Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Ditto</div>
    Anniversary
  • that's annoying. if you guys are paying it's all your call. just say well this is the way we want it. and your rationale for your spending is completely reasonable. sounds like she's just trying to stick her nose in your business. bleh.
  • Explain your concerns to you FI and see if he will speak with her
    Sarah Kropf Wedding Countdown Ticker 98image 12image 4image
  • Sometimes I am glad that ( after reading about all of the FILS ) I don't have to deal with that on top of trying to plan a very special day for me and my FH. My mom stays out of things that do not concern her unless asked. Oh and he thinks the world of my mom.
    You know you are truly blessed when you find that one who completes you,makes you totally happy, and feels your pain from the other room. The one you feel lost without, the one that makes you laugh, the one that makes you cry. The one that makes you wonder how you can be so lucky. Congratulations to everyone who has found "the one."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_mother-law-disapproves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:da305c25-ae73-4e05-b4a5-ba9be1098a44Post:9ee2eb0f-e2b3-4e2c-a365-f33ff710a7b2">Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Is your FMIL paying for the wedding? If you and your FI are paying, you can do whatever you would like. If she disapproves, just avoid discussing wedding details with her.</strong> I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time dealing with her, but it sounds like you're bringing it on yourself a bit by continuing to talk about the details of your wedding when you know how she will react.
    Posted by twilight.rose[/QUOTE]

    I agree with PP 100%.  Talk to your FI about this.  As long as you and FI are comfortable with what you are planning to spend, that is all that matters.  Simply stop talking about the wedding with FMIL, ESPECIALLY about cost.  She'll probably want to be involved to some extent, so it'll be up to you and your FI to determine what details you're okay with her "downgrading".  Just because you may be planning to spend more than your FILS did does not mean that your wedding is going to fail or you're being financially irresponsible.   
    image Final Count: 80 Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ask for some back up from your FI if necessary! you shouldn't  have to handle this kind of situation all on your own!
  • She got to do what she wanted for her wedding, you get to do what you want for yours.  Them's the rules.  Maybe she secretly longed for a big wedding but couldn't have one, and that's the root of her hostility.

    Secondly, I'm having paper plates at my wedding reception, a backyard barbecue-themed party.   I can't afford to rent china, and I would rather have "tacky" paper plates than cut loved ones out of the guest list.   Do you know what I think is truly tacky?  Being judgmental about other people based on material objects.  Class is how you treat other people, not what you have in terms of possessions. 
  • My best advice is to stop telling her what you're doing.  I know that some things that I may care about others may think are not important, but just as you I am paying for it and it's not your concern.  Keep her in the loop on the stuff she needs to know and keep her out of the little details that you know she will throw back at you.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I have been having tons of FMIL problems too. She is always trying to make us do whatever she wants, not what we want. And I have come to realize that I cannot changes the way she behaves. So intead of stressing over her, I always remind myself of how lucky am I to have the understanding parents I have. It honestly really helps tune her out when she starts to rag on our wedding.

    Just find your happy place and don’t listen to a word she says. I mean paper plates!? Come on...

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • This is going to be your day. You should do what you want. I’m not saying you need to go overboard and spend a ton of money. I think paper plates is tacky for a wedding. Most people only do it once. I look at our wedding and decisions that I’m only doing it once. All the decisions are made by me and my FI

    Maybe she’s jealous that she didn’t get to make her own decisions about her wedding.

  • Unless SHE is the one paying for it, then she has no say whatsoever in how you spend your money.  Unfortunately it sounds like you'll just have to ignore her catty comments and do what you want for your wedding day.  How does your FI feel about her annoying little comments?  Does he know it bothers you?

    My other piece of advice would be to NOT tell her anything about the wedding, it's just asking for her opinion to be given.  Like someone else said, if she asks you about something, just say you have it taken care of and leave it at that. Don't give details!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_mother-law-disapproves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:da305c25-ae73-4e05-b4a5-ba9be1098a44Post:9cba4ade-e3d2-44ce-abb5-e359cedc8563">Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves</a>:
    [QUOTE]Explain your concerns to you FI and see if he will speak with her
    Posted by srkropf[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed. It's his mother and that can be so difficult because you don't really know how she'll handle what you say unlike your own mom who would probably get over it quick and love you no matter what. I'd say you can stop discussing wedding specifics with her and tell your fiance what's going on and everything should be fine. Just don't value her crazy ideas too much and make sure you and your fiance get what you really want. I wish you the best!</div>
  • My MIL started to do some of that too. At the end of the day, if you are paying for it, it doesn't matter what she has to say about it, so I say don't even tell her the choices you are making. I am getting married in Nov and my MIL's disagreement with my wishes started to really negatively impact my fiance and I, so I stopped talked to her about things. You can fill her in at a high level if you feel it is necessary, but on your wedding day, your choices will be revealed and hopefully at that time, she won't feel the need to say anything since she won't be able to change your mind on anything. Don't forget, this is about you and your fiance, not anyone else, so get everything you want, that you can afford!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_mother-law-disapproves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:da305c25-ae73-4e05-b4a5-ba9be1098a44Post:0f946349-db61-4594-9071-6b76b67a4ce3">Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hate it when people are like this. Don't cave, especially if you are the one paying. Just thank her for her ideas and let her know that it's important to you to be an excellent and gracious host to your guests. She can't argue with that!
    Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

    I completely agree!  Whenever people make negative comments about my wedding plans, I pull my customer service routine on them (I work in customer service):

    "I appreciate that feedback as I hadn't thought of it that way - thank you!  I will definitely think on it some more."

    Ultimately, though, I do what my fiance and I want to do anyway.  Our money, our wedding.  :)
  • We are paying for our own. You must keep control. In the end it's what you want. Also don't discuss the cost of things with other folks. It makes life much better.
  • For example, I want to rent china and she thinks we should just have paper plates in order to save money. I don't like paper plates, I think it's a bit tacky and we're going to be serving pasta so the sauce could potentially soak through the paper plate. She says she can't believe I'm "the type of person who would spend $300 on renting china instead of saving up money for a down payment on a house" and it really hurt my feelings. Should I just give her what she wants or how do I explain to her that I don't feel like renting china is unreasonable or in her words "too flashy"?


    I need to save some money at my wedding and I am using clear plastic plates so they still look nice but are not nearly as expensive as renting china. It just depends on how much money you have to spend and how you want to divide it up among the parts of your wedding.  I believe that if this is something you really want then by almeans get it. You only get married once. 
    As for FMIL talk with your FI if she's really bothering you and have him ask her to back off in a polite way. It really should come from him b/c she will listen better to her own child. Just have him tell her something like "we really appreciate your advice but we have our own ideas about how we want our wedding to be and I'd like for you to respect that please and not keep telling us we need to be cheaper."


    ~~Chillin in Texas
  • Bottom line.. you can buy houses and cars anytime. You get married ONCE! Do it up!
  • Since YOU are paying, it's none of her concern what you decide to do.  My Mom got weird on me when I started telling her about how we were designing my engagement ring.  She was skeptical and thought they were going to steal the diamond from us that we were using and it was going to be mailed from Seattle, etc, etc.

    So, I stopped telling her any details about the wedding.  Then she can no longer have an opinion.  A few things she knows about and helps with, but I know she would fall over if she knew how much the wedding was, so I don't mention it.  I grew up in PA and we're living in NJ and things are very different.  I wanted it nice the way I saw my friends get married, so I'm doing what I want.

    Good luck, the less you say to her, the better.
  • It is your money-you stick to what you feel is important. Some people feel strongly about certain aspects of weddings and if this is one you aren't willing to bend on- go for it and enjoy your decision!  It is funny because I am having these issues with my OWN mother not my FMIL.  She tells me 2 months before I'm getting married that my color scheme just isn't coming together & the the pearl earrings with diamond embellishments I got my bridesmaids are not appropriate for the wedding!! If pearls aren't appropriate I don't know what is.  So I decided I won't bring anything up unless asked and if so I'll tell her it is taken care of. Sounds as though we are both dealing with generation gaps and unrealistic expectations about modern day wedding planning.  Good luck to you!
  • my MIL disapproves of just about everything I do and I kick myself everytime I let her win. Get what YOU and you future hubby want. Tell you that you respectfully disagree and would appreciate that now that she has voiced her opinion and you have heard it, you would appreciate support. If she cannot at least keep her opinion to herself from now on, she can choose to not participate altogether.
    Sarah P Buffalo, NY
  • It seems like at some point your and your FI may have to sit down and talk to her about  all of this. Tell her that you really appreciate her input and understand that she and her husband did their wedding their own way, and that you and your FI have a vision of what you want it to be like. You are only getting married once and you want to CELEBRATE it with the people around you.  If you set a budget, tell her so (though maybe not what the amount is) and tell her that you are working hard to save money and stay within that budget. Then maybe you can say, "I really do want to have China at my wedding, I found it at such and such place, for X amount of money- maybe you can help me make some phone calls and see if we can find it cheaper anywhere." I think she will be happy to be included and maybe if she sees that, though you are going to spend more money than she did on her wedding you are trying to keep the cost low and possibly save for other things.  WHen my mother has something to say about how much she "THINKS" somehting for the wedding costs I just say "Mom, its in my budget."
  • I am going through a very similar problem. Just kill her with kindness no matter how rude the comments she makes are. You should have the wedding you have pictured, especially since youre the one dishing out the money for it. Mine wants me to go destination wedding to vegas. Well my family who needs to be there just cant afford that. Neither can my fiancee and I. And I want something totally different. Just remember it is your day, if you sacrafice something you feel really strongly about it will just upset you on the "happiest day of your life". Dont let others opinions ruin your day, just smile and say, "Oh thanks for your opinion, doesnt the china look amazing?" You'll see, it does work!
  • Oh man, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. My FMIL is the same way but opposite. ( she's not pitching in at all, even though they are fancy pants.) Its not fun having to keep everything quiet and not share details with her. You know she WILL have something to say about everything you mention. I've been avoiding talking about details, especially money. Stick to your guns! :) Do you want to have the first meal with your husband on paper plates? No way.

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards