Warning: Post may contain ramblings.

Anysunrise

I found out today that my dad has cancer. Via text message from my estranged brother, to my mother who then told me. No idea what kind, or how far along it is, nothing. Which is marginally annoying, the least he could've done was even just Facebook me. 

But. I feel more bad that I'm not really that upset about it. My dad left when I was 3, I've seen him MAYBE once every two years since then. He was notorious for saying he'd come and visit, and never showing up, so eventually I just stopped caring. He tries, and he's my dad so I love him, but I feel no real attachment to him beyond that. It didn't help that he was and still is an alcoholic and was in and out of jail most of my life.

So I'm not upset about it. Honestly, once I moved I probably wouldn't ever see him again, because every time I'd come to visit, he'd say he'd be there and wouldn't show. It'll make no difference if he does end up dying. This makes me feel like awful though, because I mean, he's my dad, I should care right? Am I a terrible person? 

Blegh. There's my vent for the day. 

katiewhompus

You're not a terrible person. I never went to my mom's dad's funeral or felt sad for similar reasons. Just because he helped create you doesn't mean you have an emotional attachment.

Hopefully it won't be too bad, and will make him realize he's missing out on spending time with his awesome daughter.

NatesGirl16

Anysun, I'm so sorry.  The situation still sucks.

I get you on the caring, but not being upset thing.  My dad asked for a divorce and dicked my mom over when I was in college and I spent a few years barely talking to him and not trusting him at all.  I know you can kind of tell when a marriage is over, but mom and I were both pretty shell shocked and it ruined my relationship with him.  Only now, 5 or 6 years later, do I have a somewhat normal relationship with him and that's only because we had an awesome relationship before the divorce. 

number55

You aren't a horrible person.

FWIW, my mother emailed me to tell me she had lung cancer, because she said she couldn't get the words out. Our situation was different than yours but don't feel like you are the only one who has to hear about it in a shittty way. I felt pissed about that too.

As for not feeling bad. If you have no real relationship with him then I don't see what you have to feel horrible about. You might find though that over the next few days/weeks your feelings change...it can take some time for the reality to set in.

PM if you want to talk (ps: I am going to be up at the cottage this weekend, your neck of the woods!).

raynes

I don't think you're a terrible person.  He's a glorified sperm donor.

LesPaul

So sorry, Any.  You're not a terrible person for feeling that way.  I'm sure my own daughters will feel the same way about their 'father' since he ditched them completely when he divorced me.

rhodesign

Family isn't always as close as we'd like to think or like they should be. If this were me and my brother was the one sick, I'd feel the same way. It's totally understandable, and the fact that you are worrying about if you care enough or not shows that you do indeed care.

Anysunrise

Oh yeah numbers, I forgot you had a place up here  

And thanks guys. I'm kind of puzzling out how I feel about this still, but it just doesn't bother me. I know he loves me, and he tries, but he's one of those people who blame everyone else for their problems, and as a result never gets better. 

On a similar note, I also found out today that I have two half-siblings thanks to him that I've never met. /facepalm

LessThanZero

I'm sorry Any. You are definitely not a terrible person. It's natural to feel the way you do and you can't help it.   ((hugs))

[Deleted User]

You're not a bad person. You are entitled to feel the way you feel.

FWIW, I feel the same way about a cousin of mine. We grew up together, but he did some horrible things to me and if he died today, right in front of me, I wouldn't shed a tear.

NatesGirl16

This may be too personal, so feel free not to answer.  Do you have any info on the half-siblings?  Do you want to meet them?

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_warning-post-may-contain-ramblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:018c3a76-e617-4998-9115-e6ed1105d364Post:de065b15-ddf5-4e5d-abef-90c693d7b51b">Re: Warning: Post may contain ramblings.</a>:
[QUOTE]This may be too personal, so feel free not to answer.  Do you have any info on the half-siblings?  Do you want to meet them?
Posted by NatesGirl16[/QUOTE]

<div>I know my half-sister is a couple years older than me, because I think I have actually met her before when he came to visit once, but I was really young. And I'm not really that interested tbh. I've only met my dad's brother and his wife and kids, and only twice. I'm not really that close to that side of the family.</div>

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_warning-post-may-contain-ramblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:018c3a76-e617-4998-9115-e6ed1105d364Post:28345e85-51ed-4678-bbe5-6f0a4461a272">Re: Warning: Post may contain ramblings.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Warning: Post may contain ramblings. : Sadly for me, the "as you get older" part was when I was about 7, lol. 
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but that was not by any choice you could make you were 7. Now you can make this choice for yourself.

When my son was young I protected him from his father. Now that he's older, he can choose to see his father if he wants, but I let him know what he's walking into, and he's chose not to go there.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_warning-post-may-contain-ramblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:018c3a76-e617-4998-9115-e6ed1105d364Post:55eb8cf0-f263-40f4-a513-6afbdce7b643">Re: Warning: Post may contain ramblings.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Warning: Post may contain ramblings. : Yeah, but that was not by any choice you could make you were 7. Now you can make this choice for yourself. When my son was young I protected him from his father. Now that he's older, he can choose to see his father if he wants, but I let him know what he's walking into, and he's chose not to go there.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

<div>This is true. Visiting him has been a...what's the word I'm looking for...a courtesy/obligation, that kind of thing, for a really long time though. After that age I realized he probably was never going to keep his promises and it wasn't worth my time to get my hopes up. </div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_warning-post-may-contain-ramblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:018c3a76-e617-4998-9115-e6ed1105d364Post:07086223-1360-4eb6-8d84-c1c14b8792cb">Re: Warning: Post may contain ramblings.</a>:
[QUOTE]You're not a terrible person.<strong> I never went to my mom's dad's funeral or felt sad for similar reasons.</strong> Just because he helped create you doesn't mean you have an emotional attachment. Hopefully it won't be too bad, and will make him realize he's missing out on spending time with his awesome daughter.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

I never met my mom's dad. We didn't know when he died until about 15 years+ after his death.

I was always angry about that situation, but my mom forgave him long ago. She said it was his own fault for basically being immature and unstable and having his own problems. And that kept him from being a good father. It was his loss, you know?

NatesGirl16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_warning-post-may-contain-ramblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:018c3a76-e617-4998-9115-e6ed1105d364Post:ff9c0fc1-f6e7-45a3-a3d7-f35e04f44494">Re: Warning: Post may contain ramblings.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Warning: Post may contain ramblings. : I know my half-sister is a couple years older than me, because I think I have actually met her before when he came to visit once, but I was really young. And I'm not really that interested tbh. I've only met my dad's brother and his wife and kids, and only twice. I'm not really that close to that side of the family.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]
Understandable.