Snarky Brides

RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!

And I'm the bride! We are flying back to my home state to get married. My fiance is having his friend from out here fly out with us, but he doesn't have the funds to do it so my fiance offered to pay for his ticket. I have no idea why he offered that because he can't afford his own ticket (which I'm paying for) so guess who ended up paying the $400 plane ticket for the best man?? That's right-ME! Then they will be staying at a hotel and will need to rent a car, which again neither can afford so I get to rent them a car. And I'm sure they aren't going to be able afford 4 nights at the hotel which I'll probably pay for as well. I told him that my friend's husband who lives out there offered to be his best man but he wanted his friend from here.

Oh and that's not all! The wedding is a month away and just this past weekend his mom emails him and says that it may just end up being her and not his stepdad as well coming out to the wedding because he's out of work and they have 3 dogs which they don't trust anyone to take care of so he'd have to stay home. The only way they could bring the dogs is to take the RV and they don't have the money for gas and a rental site for 4 nights. I saw that email and I was like "no it's not an option for just his mom to come alone. Plans are being made for him to come as well. So I told my fiance that I'd give them a check for $400 so they could come out together.

So there's $800 out of MY pocket for people on HIS side to come. If none of those people came, he wouldn't have anyone there since those are all the people on his side that are coming. I'd have 60 people and he'd have just his Mom.

Am I wrong to be upset about this? My fiance keeps saying "Well you're the one who wanted all this" and I tell him time and time again that I didn't want ANY of this-it's what my Mom wants. We are spending crazy amounts of money for something neither of us wants. And of course I can't tell my family that I'm paying for the best man and his parents to come out because they would be shocked that I had to pay for it.
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Re: RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!

  • NebbNebb member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    I think you need to chill. If you dont pay the money whats the worst that could happen? Your H's best man could figure out how to appropriately budget for things or miss out? These things arent the end of the world, stop agreeing to pay for everything. Everyone you have described are adults who should know how to properbly budget their money for events they have known about well in advance. You dont HAVE to pay, youre choosing to.
  • Hm. Talk to your FI?  Are you paying for the whole wedding? It seems weird that you're both getting married, but your FI doesn't have $400 to spend that he offered.
  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:df1bb3cb-6587-42a7-b331-1e804ede36de">RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]And I'm the bride! We are flying back to my home state to get married. My fiance is having his friend from out here fly out with us, but he doesn't have the funds to do it so my fiance offered to pay for his ticket. I have no idea why he offered that because he can't afford his own ticket (which I'm paying for) so guess who ended up paying the $400 plane ticket for the best man?? That's right-ME! Then they will be staying at a hotel and will need to rent a car, which again neither can afford so I get to rent them a car. And I'm sure they aren't going to be able afford 4 nights at the hotel which I'll probably pay for as well. I told him that my friend's husband who lives out there offered to be his best man but he wanted his friend from here. Oh and that's not all! The wedding is a month away and just this past weekend his mom emails him and says that it may just end up being her and not his stepdad as well coming out to the wedding because he's out of work and they have 3 dogs which they don't trust anyone to take care of so he'd have to stay home. The only way they could bring the dogs is to take the RV and they don't have the money for gas and a rental site for 4 nights. I saw that email and I was like "no it's not an option for just his mom to come alone. Plans are being made for him to come as well. So I told my fiance that I'd give them a check for $400 so they could come out together. So there's $800 out of MY pocket for people on HIS side to come. If none of those people came, he wouldn't have anyone there since those are all the people on his side that are coming. I'd have 60 people and he'd have just his Mom. Am I wrong to be upset about this? My fiance keeps saying "Well you're the one who wanted all this" and I tell him time and time again that I didn't want ANY of this-it's what my Mom wants. We are spending crazy amounts of money for something neither of us wants. And of course I can't tell my family that I'm paying for the best man and his parents to come out because they would be shocked that I had to pay for it.
    Posted by Mapper71[/QUOTE]
    You're going to get a big-ole surprise once (if) you actually get married and find out that "your" money isn't yours anymore.

    We happily paid for some of OUR wedding party members to come because we wanted the people that we loved and cherished to be there on our wedding day (we even paid for their attire - shocking).

    I'm guessing you wouldn't understand that concept, though.
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  • Also - why are you letting your mother bully you into doing something that neither of you wanted to do in the first place?  If this is all too much trouble for you, elope and get it over with.
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  • You're right I wouldn't understand that concept because we didn't want ANY of this. We wanted the justice of the peace about 3 years ago and call it good. This is all for my mom who insisted we have a church wedding. All of this year long planning crap and spending ridiculous amounts of money for something that lasts 8 hours is utterly ridiculous.
  • You did offer to pay for it, and you didn't have to, so there goes your reason to complain. Yes his mother could have come by herself, his groomsmen could have figured out his own way, and you did not have to pay for any of this.
  • I understand your frustration with the money thing, if the whole wedding isn't what you want.  Look at it this way, IF you have to do it, your FI should be able to have the people that are most important to him stand up for him. 

    Personally, I'd tack it onto your parent's bill, if this whole thing was at their insistance. 
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  • Ok so you're paying for it and your mother is calling the shots? Bad idea dude.
  • Mom's paying for the reception and dress, we're paying for the rest.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:df1bb3cb-6587-42a7-b331-1e804ede36de">RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]And I'm the bride! We are flying back to my home state to get married. My fiance is having his friend from out here fly out with us, but he doesn't have the funds to do it so my fiance offered to pay for his ticket. I have no idea why he offered that because he can't afford his own ticket (which I'm paying for) so guess who ended up paying the $400 plane ticket for the best man?? That's right-ME! Then they will be staying at a hotel and will need to rent a car, which again neither can afford so I get to rent them a car. And I'm sure they aren't going to be able afford 4 nights at the hotel which I'll probably pay for as well. I told him that my friend's husband who lives out there offered to be his best man but he wanted his friend from here. Oh and that's not all! The wedding is a month away and just this past weekend his mom emails him and says that it may just end up being her and not his stepdad as well coming out to the wedding because he's out of work and they have 3 dogs which they don't trust anyone to take care of so he'd have to stay home. The only way they could bring the dogs is to take the RV and they don't have the money for gas and a rental site for 4 nights. I saw that email and I was like "no it's not an option for just his mom to come alone. Plans are being made for him to come as well. So I told my fiance that I'd give them a check for $400 so they could come out together. So there's $800 out of MY pocket for people on HIS side to come. If none of those people came, he wouldn't have anyone there since those are all the people on his side that are coming. I'd have 60 people and he'd have just his Mom. Am I wrong to be upset about this? My fiance keeps saying "Well you're the one who wanted all this" and I tell him time and time again that I didn't want ANY of this-it's what my Mom wants. We are spending crazy amounts of money for something neither of us wants. And of course I can't tell my family that I'm paying for the best man and his parents to come out because they would be shocked that I had to pay for it.
    Posted by Mapper71[/QUOTE]

    Um. Chill out ofr a second. WHen you get married, if your FI doesn't have funds, then you will be supporting him. If it pisses you off this much now, maybe you shouldn't saddle yourself with that burden for the rest of your life.

    His BM should be his best friend, not his most affluent one. If this guy is his best friend, then he made the right choice.

    When you get married, his side becomes your side. I don't understand why it was unacceptable for his mother to come by herself. You can't complain about giving them money if they already made the adult decision for only one of them to come because that's all they can afford. You offerred them the money. DOH!

    If this is what your MOTHER wants, then have her pay for it. However, it sounds  a lot like you want it too, you just don't want to pay for it. You also don't have a very generous spirit towards even your own FI. To me that is a big red flag of a rocky relationship. Seriously this My and His crap has to stop at some point. You are becoming one entity. You might want to start acting like it and making financial decisions together.

    FWIW, we have to pay for both of FI's parents to fly from FL and pay for their hotel for 4 days. WE are doing it because we love them and want them to be there with us, and we had to cut other things out of our budget in order to do it.

    Also, FI will have 5 people on his side and the other 80 will be mine, and mutual friends. He doesn't have a problem with it, and it appears your FI doesn't either. Leave it alone.
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  • If you're grown enough to get married, you're grown enough to just say no.
  • You need to take a breather and chill out. As an adult, there is a thing as saying no if you don't want it. My fiance always say "the only reason why I am getting married is because I love you" You are doing this is because of your mother pressuring you. I agree with the elopement thing.
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  • If your FI cannot afford a $400 plane ticket to attend his own wedding, then this is the least of your problems.  Welcome to a life of footing the bill.  

    If you love him enough to support him and be ok with it, then stop complaining and deal with it.  

    If you are not ok with it, then you should reconsider your future.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:df1bb3cb-6587-42a7-b331-1e804ede36de">RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I told him that my friend's husband who lives out there offered to be his best man but he wanted his friend from here.
    Posted by Mapper71[/QUOTE]

    I tried to read the whole thing, but honestly I'm stuck on this.  What?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:8ed3ce9c-8f51-437e-a609-cc4a2d118b9e">Re: RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend! : I tried to read the whole thing, but honestly I'm stuck on this.  What?
    Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

    <div>Oh yeah, that too.  The nerve of him to want his own friend.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:72367c36-b4a5-4bbf-9dd0-3ecd2f27a017">Re: RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]If your FI cannot afford a $400 plane ticket to attend his own wedding, then this is the least of your problems.  Welcome to a life of footing the bill.   If you love him enough to support him and be ok with it, then stop complaining and deal with it.   If you are not ok with it, then you should reconsider your future.
    Posted by saschaduran[/QUOTE]

    I like you.
  • Umm... welcome to the rest of your life.  If he can't afford $400 now, how's he going to help you pay for essentials?  You know, like groceries and shelter?

    But, related to your post... I'd put my foot down and say no. It doesn't sound like this type of wedding is what you really want anyway.  It's your life and you get to choose.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:b650b2c6-1d00-45b2-b228-01393bc31ec9">Re: RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend! : I like you.
    Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]

    <div>::wink::</div>
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  • If you didn't want a big wedding, you could have declined your mother's request and gone to the courthouse.  Or planned a low key immediate family only wedding.  You're an adult, you can make your own decisions.

    Your FI should not have to have someone who is not his best friend be his BM due to convenience.

    It was your FI's choice to offer his friend the money.  There is nothing wrong with moving the budget around to aid your nearest and dearest in attending your wedding if they would otherwise be unable to do so.  It was your choice to fund that offer and offer additional funds to his mother.  If he is offering money that is not in his bank account without discussing it with you first, you need to have a talk about financial responsibility.

    Once you're married, each of your financial decisions will impact the other.  Even if you maintain separate bank accounts, unless you're rich and living below your means, you need to discuss finances and get used to this.  Stop thinking of it as "my money" and "his money."

    There is no reason all these people need to be at the wedding location for 4 nights.  A wedding is one day.  One or two nights should be sufficient.  If it's that much of a financial burden, put them up for 1-2 nights at an inexpensive hotel and find them someone to carpool with.
  • It was so very kind of you to offer your friend's husband to be his best man.  I doubt he really wants his own friend to be in the wedding anyway.  He probably just wants to make you spend your money on stupid shiit like his friends being in the wedding and his parents seeing you guys get married.



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  • PiruPiru member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:036fc79a-7405-4e7a-8942-b535b7594a7a">Re: RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It was so very kind of you to offer your friend's husband to be his best man.  I doubt he really wants his own friend to be in the wedding anyway.  He probably just wants to make you spend your money on stupid shiit like his friends being in the wedding and his parents seeing you guys get married.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
    No need for me to say anything else after this post.

    Hey, if you don't want to pay, don't. If you don't want a big fat church wedding, don't have one. But if you're having a big fat wedding, well, your FH may just want to bring friends and family that may or may not be affluent. The nerve.
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  • I also don't see why anybody needs to be there for four nights.
    Married 10/2/10
  • You could always just say no. Then you aren't paying a penny and people will have to figure it out for themselves.
  • I thought when you married someone, you followed the "what's mine is yours" mentality. Guess I am living in the stone age.
  • LabrnrLabrnr member
    First Comment
    How old are you? 
    Have you not learned to say no to mommy yet? 

    My god, I agree with everyone. 

    If you can't stand up for yourself and do what you want, than suck it up buttercup!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:d51f5937-e28b-4232-9a42-fd77ba200837">Re: RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I thought when you married someone, you followed the "what's mine is yours" mentality. Guess I am living in the stone age.
    Posted by klm03013[/QUOTE]

    Me too, even if there's separate bank accounts, financial decisions impact both of you - I guess me and FI are in the minority.

    But we're crazy like that, example: he's also chosen his closest friend as his BM not someone that is a geographical convenience.
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  • I'd take a step back and take a breather. I think it was really nice of you to offer to pay for his friends trip out to your wedding. You obviously have the $$ to send his friend to your wedding and to help with expenses, otherwise you wouldn't have offered. You could have just said No if you really didn't want to or couldnt afford it.  I know it's frustrating b/c most people that are in weddings, whether in town or out of town, it's their responsibilty to pay for tux or dress, plane tickets, hotels. Heck, my FI and I are paying 1000 for us to go to his cousin's wedding in CA 1 month before our wedding. It was certainly not in our budget but we saved for it, like adults do.

    What if you were in your FI's shoes?? You would want your parents and best friend at your wedding. Your FI and his friend should be grateful to you for paying and you should talk with FI about how you feel. HOPEFULLY he can convince his friend to MAN UP and offer to pay you back. 


     
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  • Sorry, but all you had to do was say no.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ridiculous-bride-paying-certain-wedding-party-people-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:054890ce-d09b-48c1-8f7d-0fee49985366Post:df1bb3cb-6587-42a7-b331-1e804ede36de">RIDICULOUS-bride paying for certain wedding party people to attend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]And I'm the bride! We are flying back to my home state to get married. My fiance is having his friend from out here fly out with us, but he doesn't have the funds to do it so my fiance offered to pay for his ticket. I have no idea why he offered that because <strong>he can't afford his own ticket (which I'm paying for)</strong> so guess who ended up paying the $400 plane ticket for the best man?? That's right-ME! Then they will be staying at a hotel and will need to rent a car, which again neither can afford so I get to rent them a car. And I'm sure they aren't going to be able afford 4 nights at the hotel which I'll probably pay for as well. I told him that my friend's husband who lives out there offered to be his best man but he wanted his friend from here. Oh and that's not all! The wedding is a month away and just this past weekend his mom emails him and says that it may just end up being her and not his stepdad as well coming out to the wedding because he's out of work and they have 3 dogs which they don't trust anyone to take care of so he'd have to stay home. The only way they could bring the dogs is to take the RV and they don't have the money for gas and a rental site for 4 nights. I saw that email and I was like "no it's not an option for just his mom to come alone. Plans are being made for him to come as well. So I told my fiance that I'd give them a check for $400 so they could come out together. So there's $800 out of MY pocket for people on HIS side to come. If none of those people came, he wouldn't have anyone there since those are all the people on his side that are coming. I'd have 60 people and he'd have just his Mom. Am I wrong to be upset about this?<strong> My fiance keeps saying "Well you're the one who wanted all this" and I tell him time and time again that I didn't want ANY of this-it's what my Mom wants. We are spending crazy amounts of money for something neither of us wants.</strong> And of course I can't tell my family that I'm paying for the best man and his parents to come out because they would be shocked that I had to pay for it.
    Posted by Mapper71[/QUOTE]

    I have a couple of thoughts.  Yes, when you get married, what's yours is his and what's his is yours...I totally get what many of the PPs are saying about that.  At the same time, if your FI didn't save up the funds to show up to his own wedding, that's totally not cool, and priorities are screwed up.

    But I wonder if the reason why no one can "afford" anything is because they don't want to, since it's obvious that your FI didn't want the big wedding in your home state.  Why is it that you feel the need to pay for something neither of you wants?  It sounds like your FI is being passive-aggressive about the situation ("I didn't ask for this so I'm going to make you pay for it...literally") and you've chosen to give in to what other people want while whining about it.   

    If it's your wedding, you and your FI needed to be adults, plan your own wedding (whether you wanted a DW, something in your state of residence, or a JOP) and pay for it yourselves (you AND FI).  If you and FI truly didn't want the big wedding, then you guys could have said no.  Your parents may not have been happy about it, but a wedding is a union between two adults, and as adults you make choices full-knowing that you will not make everyone happy.  But you chose to give in to everyone, and chose to pay for your FI and everyone else on his side to show up, and now you're not happy.  You should take responsiblity for that, and both you and your FI need to grow up.
  • You can complain and vent when trying to decide whether you want to pay for all of this. Once you decide to pay, you need to accept it and go with it. If my DH had suggested his friend's wife to be my MOH, I would have laughed in his damn face.

    I think you can shorten your post title to just the first two words.
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