Snarky Brides
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FI's friend that sucks

Ok ladies, you've been great on the advice so far, so here's another question for y'all. This one falls into the "am I being a total bitch?" category:

FI and I met in business school. We were in a very small, tight-knit, rurally located program. FI' friend in question (heretofore known as FIQ) was our classmate and lived near FI first year (which means they are totally bonded as first year was horrifyingly difficult). My personal experiences with FIQ have all been unpleasent and include:

- that time I planned a birthday party for my friend and he attempted to carry a pong table on to the dance floor - when I asked what he was doing (I really didn't know), he screamed at me

- that time he pulled my roommate (another classmate) aside at a party, whipped out his penis and asked her to pleasure him, disregarding the fact that he was engaged to be married

- that time after he found out FI and I were dating and took it upon himself to pull FI aside and make lewd comments (basically congratulating FI on landing a girl with so much sexual experience since FI had almost none). For the record FIQ had no concept of either mine or FI's "number" and was making broad and insulting assumptions (not that it would have been any more appropriate had he been correct)

- that time he invited FI to his wedding, solo. No "and guest" or anything. This was after FI and I were already living together, so I'm pretty sure this is a pretty serious etiquette breach

I could go on, but I won't.

Basically FI's assessment of FIQ is that he is a "bad drunk" who turns all Mr. Hyde when he's had a few. I can buy this since, with the exception of the wedding invite thing, all of these negative experiences involve alcohol. But there will be alcohol at our wedding, and lots of it...

FI of course will want to invite FIQ and may even want to include him in the wedding party. I of course want FIQ and his questionable alcohol-induced-personality-disorder nowhere near our reception.

I trust FI's judgement, and it's HIS friend, so part of me says I should just reiterate how I feel and leave the final decision up to him. But the other part of me says it's my wedding too and I shouldn't have to stress about having this guy there and what he might do, when I already have enough other things to worry about.

If I tell FI that I'd rather we not invite FIQ, am I being a bitch?

Re: FI's friend that sucks

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    My FI has a good friend that is really nice, but kind of a mouthy drunk.  I don't think you'll have to spend THAT much time with FIQ...just really a little bit on the day of, and rehearsal.  Hopefully he isn't a big enough @sshole to be rude to a bride at her wedding.
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    I wouldn't send an invite... I had a similar situation where my SO wasn't invited to a wedding ON PURPOSE and the mother of the bride told everyone she wasn't inviting him.

    If you wouldn't invite him to your own birthday party, then you probably wouldn't want him at one of the biggest days of your life.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fis-friend-sucks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:079bd2ff-7c52-486a-9fa6-4da51641c856Post:59c3f636-e449-4b1d-8e0d-fe93b40010bb">Re: FI's friend that sucks</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wouldn't send an invite... I had a similar situation where my SO wasn't invited to a wedding ON PURPOSE and the mother of the bride told everyone she wasn't inviting him. If you wouldn't invite him to your own birthday party, then you probably wouldn't want him at one of the biggest days of your life.
    Posted by bfroesch[/QUOTE]

    Except that this is not just your decision.  Unlike your birthday party, the wedding is a celebration of two people, and your FI gets equal say.  So you cannot just dictate that he won't be invited.

    OP, you could *say* that you'd rather he not be invited, but if you go beyond that to insisting, yeah, you're probably going to come off as a b!tch.   If you think your FI might want him in the wedding party then he's obviously going to at least want him as a guest.
    Married 10/2/10
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fis-friend-sucks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:079bd2ff-7c52-486a-9fa6-4da51641c856Post:1168181b-53fb-4236-b490-08a903829505">Re: FI's friend that sucks</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's friend that sucks : Except that this is not just your decision.  Unlike your birthday party, the wedding is a celebration of two people, and your FI gets equal say.  So you cannot just dictate that he won't be invited. <div>
    </div><div>OP, you could *say* that you'd rather he not be invited, but if you go beyond that to insisting, yeah, you're probably going to come off as a b!tch.   If you think your FI might want him in the wedding party then he's obviously going to at least want him as a guest.
    Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed.  But it sucks.</div></div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fis-friend-sucks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:079bd2ff-7c52-486a-9fa6-4da51641c856Post:b097296f-231e-4118-951f-a90b39e933ff">FI's friend that sucks</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok ladies, you've been great on the advice so far, so here's another question for y'all. This one falls into the "am I being a total bitch?" category: FI and I met in business school. We were in a very small, tight-knit, rurally located program. FI' friend in question (heretofore known as FIQ) was our classmate and lived near FI first year (which means they are totally bonded as first year was horrifyingly difficult).<strong> My personal experiences with FIQ have all been unpleasent and include: - that time I planned a birthday party for my friend and he attempted to carry a pong table on to the dance floor - when I asked what he was doing (I really didn't know), he screamed at me - that time he pulled my roommate (another classmate) aside at a party, whipped out his penis and asked her to pleasure him, disregarding the fact that he was engaged to be married - that time after he found out FI and I were dating and took it upon himself to pull FI aside and make lewd comments (basically congratulating FI on landing a girl with so much sexual experience since FI had almost none). For the record FIQ had no concept of either mine or FI's "number" and was making broad and insulting assumptions (not that it would have been any more appropriate had he been correct) - that time he invited FI to his wedding, solo. No "and guest" or anything. This was after FI and I were already living together, so I'm pretty sure this is a pretty serious etiquette breach I could go on, but I won't.</strong> Basically FI's assessment of FIQ is that he is a "bad drunk" who turns all Mr. Hyde when he's had a few. I can buy this since, with the exception of the wedding invite thing, all of these negative experiences involve alcohol. But there will be alcohol at our wedding, and lots of it... FI of course will want to invite FIQ and may even want to include him in the wedding party. I of course want FIQ and his questionable alcohol-induced-personality-disorder nowhere near our reception. I trust FI's judgement, and it's HIS friend, so part of me says I should just reiterate how I feel and leave the final decision up to him. But the other part of me says it's my wedding too and I shouldn't have to stress about having this guy there and what he might do, when I already have enough other things to worry about. If I tell FI that I'd rather we not invite FIQ, am I being a bitch?
    Posted by bigeyedm[/QUOTE]

    Regarding the bolded part, what was your FI's reaction to his friend immediately after all of these things occurred?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fis-friend-sucks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:079bd2ff-7c52-486a-9fa6-4da51641c856Post:1168181b-53fb-4236-b490-08a903829505">Re: FI's friend that sucks</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's friend that sucks : Except that this is not just your decision.  Unlike your birthday party, the wedding is a celebration of two people, and your FI gets equal say.  So you cannot just dictate that he won't be invited. OP, you could *say* that you'd rather he not be invited, but if you go beyond that to insisting, yeah, you're probably going to come off as a b!tch.   If you think your FI might want him in the wedding party then he's obviously going to at least want him as a guest.
    Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

    This. 
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    I had a simliar situation in that FI had his own FIQ that I severely dislike. But, they are very close and I knew that not inviting him would be something FI would never forget. So, we invited him and he was surprisingly well behaved. I hardly even saw him the entire day.

    Maybe you could compromise, invite FIQ but not have him in the wedding party, that way you won't have to see him too much.

    But I do have to ask, how did your FI react to the lewd comments and to you not being invited? If he didn't stand up for you then you have a serious FI problem, not a FIQ problem. My FI had a friend that, when we first started dating, asked if he could "have just 5 minutes alone with your girl" and made some comment about my body. FI set him straight and the guy barely even looks at me now, and didn't come to the wedding.

    FI needs to respect you first and foremost, because FIQ obviously never will.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fis-friend-sucks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:079bd2ff-7c52-486a-9fa6-4da51641c856Post:59c3f636-e449-4b1d-8e0d-fe93b40010bb">Re: FI's friend that sucks</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wouldn't send an invite...  If you wouldn't invite him to your own birthday party, then you probably wouldn't want him at one of the biggest days of your life. Posted by bfroesch[/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't invite him, if you feel that strongly about this person I think your FI needs to respect that. Why would he want to be close to someone who is so blantantly rude to you?

    My FI has a frend that he was really close to since high school but she was a complete b&%$^ to me everytime we saw eachother and completely disregarded the fact that he was with me. She's not coming to the wedding and they really don't talk anymore.
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    wait he actually WENT to that wedding that you weren't even invited too after you were living together? 
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    If your FI is receptive to what you have to say, maybe you could encourage him to talk to FIQ about being on his best behavior during your wedding.  Don't want him pulling his junk out in front of a grandparent or anything!!
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    dmiller, LOL! You know, the only remaining grandmother we have (my mother's mother) would actually find that hysterical. She's told me most of the dirty jokes I know.

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    I honestly don't think you'd be a bitch for discussing it with your fiancée. Really I think it's better that you talk to him about your concerns instead of just ignoring it all. My fiancée and I have had the same sort of discussions because his one friend can not not be high for more then five minutes and acts horribly when he is high. What we decided was he can come as long as he's not high. I think it's a pretty fair deal and might be a good idea to bring up to your fiancée. If he knows you're concerned about it then he'll most likely want to agree to what makes you comfortable.
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    My fiance has a FIQ who I cannot stand. One of the only reasons he is in the wedding party is so we wouldn't have to deal with him not being in the wedding party...which, unfortunaltey is what my FI's group of friends have had to do at all their weddings.

    Find someone (friend of his, another buddy in the group that is familair with his unpleasantness, etc...) to "babysit" him - ie, someone to keep tabs on him and make sure he's behaving and can also make the call that it's time for him leave. Or, suck it up and let him bring a date so he can focus on her and not on you.

    When you get the guy, you get his friends, too, and in reality it's a small price to pay.

    Our wedding is in one week and I'm wasting terribly too much time worrying about FIQ and not glueing moss to centerpiece bases....Smile

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    I don't think you are a bitch, but I would let FI invite him.  It is FI's wedding too!  I don't think having FIQ there will be as bad as you think it will.  You may not even notice him with everything else going on.  Also, if his wife is there, he may behave differently. 
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