Getting very close to losing my temper at the future Mother-in-law

eridactyl

Yeah, so my fiance and I are having an outdoor wedding on his mother's ten acre property.  We thought this would save us money over renting a hall, but it actually costs a lot more.  We both have very large families so we expected to have a large guest list, but it ended up being a lot larger because of my fiance's mom.  His parents are divorced, and his dad's extended family is very large, and he is very close with them all.  My extended family is also very large.  Now her extended family only consists of about six people, so since she felt so under represented she needed to invite some of her friends.  Inviting a few friends is fine, after all , she is the mother of thre groom, and the wedding is at her house.  But she invited 56 friends, that my fiance and I have never met, and will probably never get to know either. 

The size of our guest list has been the biggest problem with our wedding so far, but we have gracefully accepted it and are dealing with it.  So now she asked me today for a list of people for the rehearsal dinner.  I gave her a list that included immediate family, the wedding party and their spouses, the officient and her spouse, and it also included five people who are flying into Chicago from the east and west coasts.  These five people are the closest to me in my family beyond my immediate family, and they are taking vacation time, buying plane tickets, and spending a lot of time helping us out with setup. 
After she got my list she came back to me and said that the list should only have the wedding party people ONLY, because everyone else will be at the reception, and she is trying to keep the cost down. 

I can't help but be extremely angry at this.  I did not invite some of MY friends to MY wedding because I had to accomodate her enormous list of friends, and now she is telling me I cannot have five non-wedding party people at the rehearsal dinner? I am contemplating just telling her that my fiance and I will be taking care of the rehearsal dinner, because I really think it would be rude to not invite these people.  Of course my fiances three step sisters and their husbands get to come though, and they are not doing anything, and are not close. 

What else can I do?

stephl3055

Money = strings attached.  So yeah, if you really want those 5 people at the RD, then you guys need to pay for it.  Otherwise, if she is paying she can dictate the guest list. 

mrscarter052011

If you continue to let her push you around it's just setting a precedent for the rest of your life.  You and your FI need to discuss this and explain (or have him explain b/c it is his mom) that it is very important that these people be invited to the rehearsal dinner and if it is a budget issue with her then offer to pay for the additional people.  If that still doesn't fly then you may have to pay for the whole thing because if she's paying then she's making the decisions.  That's just my 0.02

PeonyPrincesskdd

Have FI talk to mom about this.  It should be very reasonable to have the 5 additional non-WP invitees attend the RD.

If FI talks to his mom and rationally and calmly explains it to her, she might understand. 

Perhaps she doesn't know the situation of these 5 that they are traveling out of state?  Perhaps you can volunteer to pay for these additional 5. 

All you can do is let FI talk to her and try to reason with her and if not, then you guys have to pay for the additional 5 for the RD.  There is nothing to it.  Just remaim calm and kill her with kindess.  Getting angry or irritable towards her will only make things worse or cause her to be spiteful and say no etc.

Have FI talk to her and see where it goes from there

Blueyed228

Im confused.  You are upset that your wedding is going to cost so much because you did not do your research when you decided to do a backyard wedding?

And now you are upset that your FMIL is limiting the list for the rehearsal dinner she is paying for?

Quick solution- pay for the RD yourself. That way you can invite whomever you like.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-very-close-losing-temper-future-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:17e59999-f790-4052-9b25-2419d8bc8ec6Post:15104eaa-7084-42b2-8644-16dfcbde694e">Getting very close to losing my temper at the future Mother-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, so my fiance and I are having an outdoor wedding on his mother's ten acre property.  We thought this would save us money over renting a hall, but it actually costs a lot more.  We both have very large families so we expected to have a large guest list, but it ended up being a lot larger because of my fiance's mom.  His parents are divorced, and his dad's extended family is very large, and he is very close with them all.  My extended family is also very large.  Now her extended family only consists of about six people, so since she felt so under represented she needed to invite some of her friends.  Inviting a few friends is fine, after all , she is the mother of thre groom, and the wedding is at her house.  But she invited 56 friends, that my fiance and I have never met, and will probably never get to know either.  The size of our guest list has been the biggest problem with our wedding so far, but we have gracefully accepted it and are dealing with it.  So now she asked me today for a list of people for the rehearsal dinner.  I gave her a list that included immediate family, the wedding party and their spouses, the officient and her spouse, and it also included five people who are flying into Chicago from the east and west coasts.  These five people are the closest to me in my family beyond my immediate family, and they are taking vacation time, buying plane tickets, and spending a lot of time helping us out with setup.  After she got my list she came back to me and said that the list should only have the wedding party people ONLY, because everyone else will be at the reception, and she is trying to keep the cost down.  I can't help but be extremely angry at this.  I did not invite some of MY friends to MY wedding because I had to accomodate her enormous list of friends, and now she is telling me I cannot have five non-wedding party people at the rehearsal dinner? I am contemplating just telling her that my fiance and I will be taking care of the rehearsal dinner, because I really think it would be rude to not invite these people.  Of course my fiances three step sisters and their husbands get to come though, and they are not doing anything, and are not close.  What else can I do?
Posted by eridactyl[/QUOTE]

H and I were considering holding our reception in my parents' backyard.  We did all of the research, found out it would cost a hell of a lot more and be a lot more work, so we nixed the idea and found a venue.  This is why you plan things ahead, compare costs, and budget.  You can't biitch about the cost now.

Your FI's step sisters are immediate family (as they are sisters) so I'm not sure what that argument has to do with anything here.  She's not trying to tell you your family isn't allowed, she's jus saying she's not paying for a non-traditional guest list and that's well within her rights.

If you don't want her to have a say pay for the RD on your own.  You'll most likely also have to find another place to hold it.

jelique7

I want to know how big your guest list is so far?

And pp said it all. Money comes with strings.

Knittibell

Yeah, I'd be pissed off, too. Have FI talk to her and explain that these people are traveling and it would be rude not to include them, but have talk to FI beforehand, so if she says that she won't include them, you can then say  that you'll just pay for the RD and do the planning for it, no problem, and leave it at that.

Who is paying for your wedding reception? Is it her or you guys or your parents? Because 56 ppl is pretty ballsy, if she isn't contributing to that. JMO.

Lisa8888

I find it hard to believe that it is costing you more having the wedding at her home than a regular venue. However, if you are not happy about her inviting her friends you can simply have your wedding at a regular venue and pay for it yourself. Likewise with the dinner. Pay for your friends. You should appreciate the fact that she is allowing you to have the wedding at her home and she is paying for the dinner.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-very-close-losing-temper-future-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:17e59999-f790-4052-9b25-2419d8bc8ec6Post:a4d75d97-dc1d-4d26-af70-f34c91259598">Re: Getting very close to losing my temper at the future Mother-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]I find it hard to believe that it is costing you more having the wedding at her home than a regular venue. However, if you are not happy about her inviting her friends you can simply have your wedding at a regular venue and pay for it yourself. Likewise with the dinner. Pay for your friends. You should appreciate the fact that she is allowing you to have the wedding at her home and she is paying for the dinner.
Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]

Oh hey, it's /b/!  Obviously you've never done the research to figure out how much it would cost to throw a reception at a residence.  Believe me it's much costlier than throwing a wedding of equal formality and size at a regular venue.  There are a lot of extras you have to pay out of pocket at home that you never even hear about with a venue.

Lisa8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-very-close-losing-temper-future-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:17e59999-f790-4052-9b25-2419d8bc8ec6Post:bb038984-821f-44c8-9f28-7e4efeaa7994">Re: Getting very close to losing my temper at the future Mother-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting very close to losing my temper at the future Mother-in-law : Oh hey, it's /b/!  Obviously you've never done the research to figure out how much it would cost to throw a reception at a residence.  Believe me it's much costlier than throwing a wedding of equal formality and size at a regular venue.  There are a lot of extras you have to pay out of pocket at home that you never even hear about with a venue.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

I still don't believe it costs more. In my area the reception venue charges from $100 to $200 per head.

sarah42nd

Well if you do a backyard wedding . You will need to rent portapotties , a tent, tables, chairs , dance floor,  all your food ( unless it being catered, but that still cost money ) ,  table cloths , centerpieces,  decorations for outside, favors, bug spray,  and a million other things I am forgetting . 

Believe me there pretty expensive. You have to think about alot more then you would if you just got a venue.


Its $100 to $200 a head is still alot. You can find great halls and venuies for cheap especilly here in Fl. I am renting a hall for $700 for all day.

eridactyl

I'm not mad at how much the wedding is costing, we knew it would cost a lot when we decided to have a big wedding.  I'm mad that she is being very unfair about who I'm inviting to the rehearsal dinner.  She has not even looked at the guest list yet, and she is saying it is too many people. 

Ettiquette is that I invite immediate family, the bridal party and spouses, the officiant and her spouse, and people who are flying in from out of town.  I have not deviated from this in any way.  She is saying that I should not invite anyone from out of town, and that we really don't need to invite anyone's spouses if we don't have to.  She keeps saying people IN the wedding ONLY. 

It's just seems really unfair to me that I am paying for over 50 of her friends to come to my wedding, but she cannot pay for my 5 people from out of town to come to the rehearsal.  She is not even paying for the whole thing, she is splitting it with his dad (his parents are divorced and remarried).  My fiance and I will offer to take care of the rehearsal dinner ourselves, but I'm sure her feelings will be hurt. 

PeonyPrincesskdd

It is 2010 so etiquette went out the window a long time ago.  People can do whatever they want nowadays and don’t have to follow etiquette to a T. 

I had some out of state people come to the wedding and they did not attend the rehearsal.  We did not invite them.  You don’t HAVE to.  You also don’t HAVE TO invite spouses for members of the bridal party. 

MIL is the one paying for rehearsal, so you can’t sit there and complain that she won’t pay for 5 more people.  You don’t know her situation or financial limitations. 

Maybe she budgeted a certain dollar amount for the RD and she doesn’t want to go over that.  You do not know why she won’t pay so don’t just sit there and assume she is doing it on purpose and that she is being unreasonable. 

She can pay for what she wants to pay for.  If you want those 5 extra people to come, then YOU have to pay for them.  It’s as simple as that.  If she wants to keep it to only people in the wedding party, then that is her choice and you can’t get mad and want to throw a hissy fit over it. 

Stop whining about how “unfair” it is and deal with what is dealt to you.

luckyme502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-very-close-losing-temper-future-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:17e59999-f790-4052-9b25-2419d8bc8ec6Post:6dfec579-9a09-4bea-abfc-15abc11bfc9e">Re: Getting very close to losing my temper at the future Mother-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting very close to losing my temper at the future Mother-in-law : I still don't believe it costs more. In my area the reception venue charges from $100 to $200 per head.
Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]

You can choose to believe what you want, but it is true, we looked into having the wedding at our house since we live on five acres. 

Tents are not cheap to rent or buy.  We would have to rent:  tables, chairs, linens, silverware, dishes, glasses, port-a-potties (we only have one bathroom at our house), a dance floor, fans, lighting, I'm sure I am forgetting things, and then on top of all that we would still need flowers, candles, caterer, set-up and clean-up crew, and all the other wedding stuff. 

Do you ever have something intelligent to add to a thread? 

Blueyed228

One venue I looked at (and loved) only let you rent the house.  To fit my guest list, dinner needed to be outside.  They did not have a tent.  I called around and 1 large tent and 2 small tents was going to cost almost 10K.

The obvious thing to do before you set final plans is to do all of your research and factor in all costs.

No one is going to feel bad for you that you didnt.  Sorry.