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BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)

Hey everyone!  I didn't know where else to go and I found this one the website and thought that I could post here and get some steam out!

Well, I just got engaged a month ago and within the month, I've already decided on my bridal party.  So, since all of them were all over the place, I individually called them up and asked them to be my bridesmaid.  I had a group of friends in high school and of course they were asked to be my bridesmaids except for one girl who I have lost contact with (we've spoken maybe twice and met once in a span of 7 years) and I wasn't as close to her as the others.

Well, word started floating that she was expecting to be a bridesmaid.  So, I sat her down and told her that she wasn't.  I tried to be nice by adding that her assistance was needed and she could hang out with us.  The ignoring then commenced.  Which was fine because we don't talk all that much.  Then I heard that she was coming to my area so I specifically went to meet up with her so to smooth things out (she was still very good friends with my friends so we would be in the same bridal parties in future weddings).  She was still so angry that she refused to speak let alone look at me. 

Now I'm frustrated and angry.  Why am I to feel guilty for something that was not my fault??  Shouldn't it be my prerogative on who goes in my wedding party???  A part of me doesn't even want to invite her because I feel that she might ruin my day just by her sour attitude.  I want to be surrounded by people who are genuinely happy for me, not angry. 

AGUDHSGHILESHJKFUSDHU!!!!!!  (That's my angry noise.  lol)

Sigh...Thanks for hearing me out.  I feel better already. 

Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:c136f645-c1ef-47a4-8f93-3b17f1bf7362">BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey everyone!  I didn't know where else to go and I found this one the website and thought that I could post here and get some steam out! Well, I just got engaged a month ago and within the month, I've already decided on my bridal party.  So, since all of them were all over the place, I individually called them up and asked them to be my bridesmaid.  I had a group of friends in high school and of course they were asked to be my bridesmaids except for one girl who I have lost contact with (we've spoken maybe twice and met once in a span of 7 years) and I wasn't as close to her as the others. Well, word started floating that she was expecting to be a bridesmaid.  So, I sat her down and told her that she wasn't.  I tried to be nice by adding that her assistance was needed and she could hang out with us.  The ignoring then commenced.  Which was fine because we don't talk all that much.  Then I heard that she was coming to my area so I specifically went to meet up with her so to smooth things out (she was still very good friends with my friends so we would be in the same bridal parties in future weddings).  She was still so angry that she refused to speak let alone look at me.  Now I'm frustrated and angry.  Why am I to feel guilty for something that was not my fault??  Shouldn't it be my prerogative on who goes in my wedding party???  A part of me doesn't even want to invite her because<strong> I feel that she might ruin my day just by her sour attitude.</strong>  I want to be surrounded by people who are genuinely happy for me, not angry.  AGUDHSGHILESHJKFUSDHU!!!!!!  (That's my angry noise.  lol) Sigh...Thanks for hearing me out.  I feel better already. 
    Posted by julesandmarcus[/QUOTE]
    Thats just silly. How can 1 person ruin you AND YOUR HUSBANDS wedding day?
    It sounds like she is being childish, just ignore it and don't worry about it.
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    She would be hanging out with the rest of the bridal party because she might not know anyone else at the wedding.  So, she'll be IN the dressing room.  I already felt hatred oozing out of her the last time I saw her.  It was a heavy aura!!  I also think seeing her might make me feel guilty (though, I don't know why I should be).
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:d4b28df8-20b7-411e-afe5-430b59ca00ad">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!) : Thats just silly. How can 1 person ruin you AND YOUR HUSBANDS wedding day? It sounds like she is being childish, just ignore it and don't worry about it.
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

    <div>What Roxy said. Don't forget that the wedding is the party. This is really about you and your husbands marriage. One person being disappointed and acting ungraciously should have <em>zero</em> impact on your future happiness.</div>
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    Ditto Roxy. If you have only talked to this chick twice in 7 years then I don't think that you will have to deal with her being mad at you very often.  Let it go. 

    BTW-If you are not asking someone to be in your wedding please don't tell them that their assistance will still be needed.  I would be more offended by that than anything.
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    Ditto PP.

    Also, I probably would have been upset by someone sitting me down and explaining that I wasn't in their wedding party. You probably just shouldn't have said anything, she'd pick up on it when you didn't ask her.

    As for the dressing room, if you don't want her in there then she doesn't have to be in there.
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    Yeah, I had to set her down.  She blatantly asked me if she WAS one!  And I supposed telling her that she could join in all the festivities and help out wasn't good.  I didn't mean to rub it in.  I just wanted her to feel...less excluded?  I'm never good with this stuff!!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:d4b28df8-20b7-411e-afe5-430b59ca00ad">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!) : Thats just silly. How can 1 person ruin you AND YOUR HUSBANDS wedding day? It sounds like she is being childish, just ignore it and don't worry about it.
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

    This.  Roxy really needs to get out of my head.

    You sound young, so I'll tell you this - no matter how glamorous the movies make it look, being a BM kinda sucks.  You get to spend a shitton of money on a dress you'll never wear again and walk around in most likely uncomfortable shoes all night after having been standing alllll day for pics.  She'll most likely realize that the day of and be grateful.
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    You don't owe anyone an explanation of who you chose to be in your bridal party.  It's extremely rude of her to even ask.

    You shouldn't feel guilty, unless you didn't invite her to be mean.
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    Maybe you could ask her to be your wedding mascot. I like this one.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:23ca85aa-6e7a-4239-9959-531caa41f19f">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto Roxy. If you have only talked to this chick twice in 7 years then I don't think that you will have to deal with her being mad at you very often.  Let it go. <strong> BTW-If you are not asking someone to be in your wedding please don't tell them that their assistance will still be needed.  I would be more offended by that than anything.
    Posted by hd7694[/QUOTE]</strong>

    <div>Agreed. I just recently saw a situation where the bride had these "attendants" who were not in the wedding, supposedly because they did not want to be due to the cost of dresses. Surprise, bad feeling evolved! I would have bought their dresses and had them in my wedding. rather than appoint them Bride Bitches who did not even stand up with me.</div>
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    And I supposed telling her that she could join in all the festivities and help out wasn't good.  I didn't mean to rub it in.  I just wanted her to feel...less excluded?  I'm never good with this stuff!!

    Well there's a big difference between inviting people to join in fun stuff and telling them that their "assistance is still needed."  I don't know exactly what you said to her, so I don't know how I would react to it.  But the bottom line is, nothing can ruin your day unless YOU let it.  So just ignore her childishness and focus on what is important.
    Married 10/2/10
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    OMG, Cew! I don't even HAVE a wedding mascot yet!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:23ca85aa-6e7a-4239-9959-531caa41f19f">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]  BTW-If you are not asking someone to be in your wedding please don't tell them that their assistance will still be needed.  I would be more offended by that than anything.
    Posted by hd7694[/QUOTE]

    This hit the nail right on the head.  You kinda blew it when you told her you could still use her help.  It sounded like "you weren't important enough to me to be a bridesmaid, but I still plan on using the free labor from you."  Not good.  Just in general, bridesmaids don't have to help you with anything, why should this girl give up her free time when she's not even a bridesmaid and you say you don't talk to her often? 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:db9c2b89-bbc7-4f78-8487-044d9aa8ed94">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe you could ask her to be your wedding mascot. I like this one.
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
    Hey! Don't make fun of my bridesmaid dresses beeyoch!
    Photobucket
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    You sound like a shitty friend.  This whole thing is your fault.  You decided to be an ass and sit down and tell her why you were excluding her, which made her feel like shiit no doubt.  Then to add icing to the cake you told her you'd love her to do all the work without getting the credit in the end of standing up there with you.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    Ya know, friends-of-friends don't need to be invited.

    That's kind of a moot point now since you implied you'll be inviting her and including her.  But you mentioned that you spoke to her twice in 7 years... people that I've spoked to twice in 7 years aren't getting invited to my shindig, no matter who they're friends with.

    And if you're THAT distant with her, why would she assume she's a bridesmaid?

    Honestly OP - it doesn't sound like you're really friends with this chick, and it doesn't sound like you cross paths with her ever.  I think you need to put her out of your mind and forget all about it.  You don't owe her anything, least of all a reaction to her childish guilt trips.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:237eb9b0-5598-4637-8345-2ab10b82c3d9">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]You sound like a shitty friend.  This whole thing is your fault.  You decided to be an ass and sit down and tell her why you were excluding her, which made her feel like shiit no doubt.  Then to add icing to the cake you told her you'd love her to do all the work without getting the credit in the end of standing up there with you.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]
    I swear, I love you more and more each day!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:58ce07bd-2712-409b-b3b0-35e38517c99c">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!) : I swear, I love you more and more each day!
    Posted by shellydiane820[/QUOTE]
    The feeling is mutual <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-kiss.gif" border="0" alt="Kiss" title="Kiss" />
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:13ab67e2-a265-4763-8cce-085665adfdef">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!) : The feeling is mutual
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]
    oo la la!
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    I can't believe you wasted your breath by sitting her down and explaining to her that she wasn't a bridesmaid.

    Personally, what I would have done is tracked down whoever told her she was going to be a bridesmaid, sit THEM down, and tell them to please stop talking about sh*t they don't know about.

    If you're not even that close with her anymore, why invite her in the first place.  Because you feel bad?  You don't invite people to your wedding because you feel bad.  Jeez.

    I wouldn't want her in the dressing room either.  My God, she's not in the wedding party, she's barely your friend anymore, and she automatically assumes she's taking on roles in your wedding that you never asked her to take on in the first place.


    panther
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited June 2010

    So she never came out and asked you herself if she was a BM?  You "sat her down," explained to her why she wasn't good enough, and told her she could still do your grunt work all on second hand info that she wanted to be a BM?

    Honestly, what you did was really insulting.  You basically told her that she wasn't good enough to be a BM but she was free to be your unpaid labor.  The correct way to go about it would've been to ignore all the gossip and only say something if she asked you something directly.

    ETA: I completely support your decision to not have her as a BM since it sounds like the two of you really aren't friends.  But, there was no need to have a conversation with her about why she wasn't a BM.  Frankly, if you aren't friends with her and hardly speak with her I'm not really sure why you care if she's ignoring you.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:d71bff6e-384d-4bf1-8ee8-31b4ac35b073">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So she never came out and asked you herself if she was a BM?  You "sat her down," explained to her why she wasn't good enough, and told her she could still do your grunt work all on second hand info that she wanted to be a BM? Honestly, what you did was really insulting.  You basically told her that she wasn't good enough to be a BM but she was free to be your unpaid labor.  The correct way to go about it would've been to ignore all the gossip and only say something if she asked you something directly. ETA: I completely support your decision to not have her as a BM since it sounds like the two of you really aren't friends.  But, there was no need to have a conversation with her about why she wasn't a BM.  Frankly, if you aren't friends with her and hardly speak with her I'm not really sure why you care if she's ignoring you.
    Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

    <div>this. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>how did you expect her to act when you basically sat her down and told her the reasons why she's not good enough to be in your wedding party? i'd be pissed and ignore you too. </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaids-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:1ad17223-ed22-4dcd-a7df-2d4cff349e0aPost:eb803fd3-43a2-4a24-8f0b-3c70f52e2449">Re: BRIDESMAIDS (VENT!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]OMG, Cew! I don't even HAVE a wedding mascot yet!
    Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

    Then you won't really be married in the eyes of God. It says so in the Bible.
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    Well, cew, I forewent the mascot by going to Vegas anyway, didn't you hear? I had to give up all the wedding finery - the wedding party, the fancy dress, etc.

    And OP, I don't know how word "floated around" that she was going to be a BM too, but it sounds like you're both at fault - her for downright asking, if that's what she did, and you, for "sitting her down" and telling her. Just let it go.

    image
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    Thank you for the support, girls.  You really know how to make a new bride feel welcomed.  And I may have used the wrong words.  When I said "talking to", I meant that I set her straight by informing her the truth.  I personally would have wanted to be told the truth.  And I didn't ask for her to do labor.  I mentioned that if she wanted to, I could use her help and she can help out with the other girls and hang out with us.  As for the "floated around" comment, I hear that she might have assumed, but didn't believe it.  I didn't think anyone would assume being a bridesmaid.  I know many of you will be happy about this, but I will no longer associate myself with this website.  I was hoping to find a group of brides that I can relate with and will understand the frustrations of planning a wedding, but I was painfully wrong.  Thank you and I won't bother you again.
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    Well, since that's the very first time I've ever heard someone who didn't want to hear the truth get their feelers hurt, then I feel terrible. I'm going to go back to bed and rethink my entire life and the way I deal with people.

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    You know, this whole thing was just freakin' ridiculous. I mean, I would have had the girl in my wedding before I went to all this angst about it! We were talking a bridesmaid here, not even a MOH.

    Also, it has been said a million times before but WTH, I will say it again: people need to lurk here before they post!! 
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    Don't let the door hit you in the arse on your way out.

    The fact remains is that you were really cruel to this girl based on a RUMOR.  Totally not cool.

    I hear Wedding Wire would be more than happy to validate your poor behavior.  Check them out.
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    I got excited to read this post because I thought this sn was actually julesandmimi at first glance - like the show Miranda watched on SATC about the gorgeous black man and hot red headed woman.

    Then I realized it was just another self centered bride who can not handle the truth. I almost feel like we spend a lot of our time here playing Fox Mulder to Scullys.
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