I'm thinking I might let this one go - would you do the same?

sarah0725

So Charlie's family is awesome, and I have a great relationship with FMIL, but there are definitely weird grudges in that family, and she is the ringleader for a lot of them, especially in regards to FFIL's family.

The other day we went out for a lovely day of shopping for the wedding, had a wonderful time picking out vases and craft projects and general doodads. At one point, I innocently brought up the guest list, and asked her if she knew whether three college-aged cousins on FFIL's side were seeing anyone, because I wanted to know if I should budget for guests for them. FMIL immediately goes from pleasant craft maven to mildly ragey, letting me know in no uncertain terms that unless these cousins got engaged before the wedding, they were not going to be allowed dates, all because back before she was married to FFIL, his family was really unwelcome to her and refused to invite her to family weddings even though she was engaged to FFIL. So basically she wants to pay back a snub from more than 30 years ago by potentially snubbing these kids. And she told me that if I gave them guests on the invitation, she would call and say it was a mistake.

Now, I know this sounds bad, and I was really taken aback, and also with all my years hanging around the E board I know that Emily Post would want me to be a paragon of proper etiquette. But I'm thinking of letting this one go, because 1) in my almost five years of dating FI, I have never met any of these cousins, and I've only heard rotten things about how they used to cheat FI and his brothers playing games when they were kids, 2) I think my relationship with FMIL is more important than these random cousins, 3) FI agrees with FMIL, 4) they're not my family, and 5) we are pretty much at capacity on our guest list anyway. Also, I don't know whether these cousins even have SOs, and FMIL won't tell me.

Is that terrible? Or would you back away slowly from the kettle o'crazy too?

Anysunrise

Eh, if I didn't really want them there, I won't lie, I'd probably be okay with letting it slide. Is it really worth having your FMIL mad at you just so random cousins who are probably douchebags can have dates?

NatesGirl16

I think you're doing the right thing (or have the right reasoning).  If it's that important to FMIL, the woman who can make your life hell, I'd just go with what she says. 

KaylaSue19

Sarah- I agree, let it go. It's not worth the stress.

Dot Dash- The fact that you joined today, and live in Northern Cali makes me think that you are Murkat. I hope for your sake that you are not.

JenGin74

I would let it go. It's not worth the drama. However, I'm very concerned that she gave you an ultimatum like that. Is she going to pull that crap whenever she doesn't agree with you?

[Deleted User]

I would let it go, but I think your FMIL is being ridiculous. Ideally I'd say give them dates, but since it's your FI's family and your FMIL is guaranteed to make an issue of it, let them handle it instead.

Unfortunately I think no matter what you do, you will look rude. If you don't give them dates, they'll be mad. If you do give them dates, FMIL will lie and say it was a mistake, so again you look bad. Your FMIL put you in a crappy position, so just don't worry about it. You never see them anyway, right?

marriedfilingjointly

FFS.  Everyone thinks their situation is soooooooo different and that etiquette doesn't matter in their case.

Just kidding.  I agree with you.  Holy drama. 

sarah0725

Thanks for validating me, guys!

I know this makes FMIL sound crazy, but usually she is pretty awesome, and she likes me. It does worry me that there seem to be a lot of long-standing grudges in FI's family, but FI himself is so friendly and level-headed that I don't see the two of us being a target of one of them anytime soon. Plus, FMIL likes me because I am nice to her and I defer to her and sometimes I cook for her, unlike FBIL's girlfriend. So that's good.

marriedfilingjointly

Sort of different, but sort of the same, there's some drama between my MIL and her mother about choosing favorites among the grandchildren, etc.  SIL was the first to point it out to me, before we were married, and SIL takes everything personally so I just assumed she was full of poo and up to her usual shenanigans.  But then when I heard that MIL was upset about some things, I thought maybe there was some validity to it, and now that we've been married for a while, I see that the hard feelings are totally valid.  And my MIL is a saint, so I know she's not being irrational, dramatic, or crazy. 

You'll probably learn all sorts of fun things once you're married and there's no escape. 

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-thinking-might-let-this-one-would-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:276db4a7-6538-4a5d-b219-fe467b8182c7Post:8535c18f-24b9-4412-84df-5bcc9548590c">Re: I'm thinking I might let this one go - would you do the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sort of different, but sort of the same, there's some drama between my MIL and her mother about choosing favorites among the grandchildren, etc.  SIL was the first to point it out to me, before we were married, and SIL takes everything personally so I just assumed she was full of poo and up to her usual shenanigans.  But then when I heard that MIL was upset about some things, I thought maybe there was some validity to it, and now that we've been married for a while, I see that the hard feelings are totally valid.  And my MIL is a saint, so I know she's not being irrational, dramatic, or crazy.  You'll probably learn all sorts of fun things once you're married and there's no escape. 
Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]

Very true! Thankfully I have an awesome time with FI's family most of the time, and they've been incredibly welcoming. And it's not like my family is perfect either - FI is walking into a mindfield of quietly imploding butthurt. So I guess we all have to figure out how to deal with in laws.

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-thinking-might-let-this-one-would-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:276db4a7-6538-4a5d-b219-fe467b8182c7Post:fdce3657-782f-4194-ac40-620c735b4bb9">Re: I'm thinking I might let this one go - would you do the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]Worse comes to worse, they'll be pissy that they can't bring dates, and won't come...
Posted by paprika28[/QUOTE]

... and then, 30 years from now, their grandkids will refuse to invite your grandkids' fiance(e)s to their weddings! 

People are crazy.

betrothed123

Yup, I'm with everyone else on this one.  Following Etiquette here will do more harm then good in the long run.

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-thinking-might-let-this-one-would-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:276db4a7-6538-4a5d-b219-fe467b8182c7Post:23cded0f-e14c-4d38-9607-6c864effc411">Re: I'm thinking I might let this one go - would you do the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm thinking I might let this one go - would you do the same? : ... and then, 30 years from now, their grandkids will refuse to invite your grandkids' fiance(e)s to their weddings!  People are crazy.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

Haha, awesome. :)

To be fair, I do think FMIL got a raw deal from that family. She still refers to FFIL's mom as Mrs. M-------, which is disturbing after 30+ years of marriage. But if I were in her place, I don't think I'd handle things the same way.

jessienjeremy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-thinking-might-let-this-one-would-same?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:276db4a7-6538-4a5d-b219-fe467b8182c7Post:5bb85a2f-7914-49e9-b7c8-393d20c94e44">I'm thinking I might let this one go - would you do the same?</a>:
[QUOTE]So Charlie's family is awesome, and I have a great relationship with FMIL, but there are definitely weird grudges in that family, and she is the ringleader for a lot of them, especially in regards to FFIL's family. The other day we went out for a lovely day of shopping for the wedding, had a wonderful time picking out vases and craft projects and general doodads. At one point, I innocently brought up the guest list, and asked her if she knew whether three college-aged cousins on FFIL's side were seeing anyone, because I wanted to know if I should budget for guests for them. FMIL immediately goes from pleasant craft maven to mildly ragey, letting me know in no uncertain terms that unless these cousins got engaged before the wedding, they were not going to be allowed dates, all because back before she was married to FFIL, his family was really unwelcome to her and refused to invite her to family weddings even though she was engaged to FFIL. So basically she wants to pay back a snub from more than 30 years ago by potentially snubbing these kids. And she told me that if I gave them guests on the invitation, she would call and say it was a mistake. Now, I know this sounds bad, and I was really taken aback, and also with all my years hanging around the E board I know that Emily Post would want me to be a paragon of proper etiquette. But I'm thinking of letting this one go, because 1) in my almost five years of dating FI, I have never met any of these cousins, and I've only heard rotten things about how they used to cheat FI and his brothers playing games when they were kids, 2) I think my relationship with FMIL is more important than these random cousins, 3) FI agrees with FMIL, 4) they're not my family, and 5) we are pretty much at capacity on our guest list anyway. Also, I don't know whether these cousins even have SOs, and FMIL won't tell me. Is that terrible?<strong> Or would you back away slowly from the kettle o'crazy too?
</strong>Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

LIke how you put that. I would just let it go.  No need is arguing over something so minor. Especially since you have nevermet them and you are at capacity as is.