Last night I was at dinner with a friends and H. We were on the topic of my delightful (not) MOH. My friend told me something that made me sad more than angry - that my MOH had bitched about me to her incessantly before the wedding and when my friend said "if you feel that way, just tell her you can't do it". MY MOH said that she had an "obligation" now and was not gonna back out. We are baffled that she did that, and that she was complaining about me because I swear I never, ever mistreated her, had words with her, or made demands of her during our planning process. I did not even make requests of her, let alone demands!
I asked my (now former) friend to be my MOH as soon as we got engaged (mistake, usually). We had been good friends - or so I thought for about 5 years. She has for that length of time at least been what we use to call a displaced homemaker - got divorced after never doing substantial work outside the home. She has never really gotten in together to get out in the working world-he kids are now grown and near grown and the child support clock is seriously ticking. She thinks finding a man would be her solution to everything. So when I did, I think it was actually a blow to her as I had been one of her single friends. She did not SHOW jealously to me during our engagement, but it is the only explanation I can think of for her behavior.
We were married at a DW in Vegas. We got married at Red Rock Canyon, stayed at a suite at the Bellagio, had a welcome dinner in our suite and a Reception on The Prime at Bellagio, it was all really nice. We had only fifteen guests. Prior to leaving, we had a small miixed gender party instead of a a bach (or those obnoxious words "Stag" of "Doe").
I honestly asked nothing of my MOH in the planning process. She also gave me NO indication she had any issues with me at all. She went dress shopping with me. She sent out the invites for the party (we did what work there was to do for it, H and I). We spent time and hung out as friends, like always I thought. So it is not as though I was suddenly ignoring her or talking wedding non stop.
We also did NOT impose on her financially. We bought her dress, her plane ticket, her hotel room, and were clear we were paying for all food, both days. We invited her to order room service any time she wished. She paid for her shoes and hair accessories. Her son stayed with his grandma both days we were gone and he is 14 anyway, so no cost there. She had no job to be taking time off from.
In the two days of the wedding stuff, so much went on with her I can't keep track but some of the highlights were:
*She said she was not going to have time to help me get ready because she had to get ready for the wedding herself.
*She complained that I was getting my hair/makeup done at the Bellagio salon but had made no such provision for her. Not sure how you feel about that, but I did not think it was an obligation. I did not do it for my mom or BM either so she was not being left out or anything.
*She bailed on the welcome dinner after about an hour and complained we had no diet coke and said she was bored and tired.
*I had a brunch the day of the wedding that I planned for the tiny wedding party - she bailed on that, too.
*The day of the wedding, I did not see her pretty much until just before the ceremony and she was fairly drunk and complaining that the BM was helping me get ready and that was the MOH's job (yup-after she told me she would not have time to do it).
*At the wedding (she was as I said already pretty drunk), she complained about the bathroom facilities, that it was hard to walk up to the Overlook in her shoes, and that she was cold and it was a crappy idea to have an outdoor wedding. I seriously wanted to stuff her back in the limo and tell them to take her back to the hotel.
At the reception, we had a big circle of a table in a back room of the restaurant. We ordered many bottles of Cakebread cab, and I think she was drinking most of them but really how much she drank or what she was doing was not even my concern at that point. She announced about that she was very drunk and was heading to her room. I said that the BM could sign the marriage cert so no problem. She said that was the MOH job. I said okay, then she could come upstairs with me and do that first because it needed to be signed for our officiant to take to the court office in the morning. She got up, stumbled, realized she was not gonna make it and was helped upstairs to her room. I was relieved, truth be told.
We were home a couple of days and I was talking to her via e-mail about something, but I really wanted to talk about what the HELL had happened. She got angry because I had mentioned to another friend that was pretty drunk at the wedding. I apologized for saying that to someone else but said I thought we needed to talk. It deteriorated from there, and we never really did talk about anything. We have not spoken since April nor do I think we will again.
I know that a lot of people would say "Oh, there HAS to be more to the story". Thing is, I honestly cannot see how at any time in our planning process she was "done wrong". She was treated well, and I think that the big green monster of envy raised it's head, big time here. My mistakes were choosing a MOH who I knew was pretty desperate to get married herself and choosing one right away in my engaged excitement. I wish there WERE more to this story because if there were I would be all about going back and making amends. In fact, I tried to communicate with her in June but got shut down. So I let it be of course.
What is hard now is that I truly with my friend had not let me know last night that she was trash taking me before the wedding-it dredged up the whole mess again and I will admit it hurt.
My point in posting all of this is pretty much in the hopes that it helps others choose their MOH more wisely than I did. I would still really like to talk to her about the whole thing, because I am still so freakin' confused but that I am sure will never happen.