Snarky Brides

Engagement Gift-For Him

So part of the pre-engagement negotion session included the man person indicating that he felt that it wasn't fair that I get a shiny and he doesn't. I am also a little bit uncofortable with all of the sexist baggage that marriage and weddings have had over the centuries and I wanted to make a gesture that indicated that I was promising to marry him as well as him promising to marry me. So we decided that I would buy him an engagement gift approximatly equal to the engagment gift of a diamond ring, but neither of us have any idea what we want.

He wants it to be something permanent that can't be easily destroyed like a watch, but he does not wear watches and he has hated everything that we have seen so far. I thought maybe a signet ring with some version of our initials intertwined, but since I plan to keep my name there is no tradition indicating the correct order of the letters and his initials unfortunately spell JLo.

Has anybody done anything like this, or have any ideas of where to go from here? I really love the idea, but the execution is eluding me.
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Re: Engagement Gift-For Him

  • Um no.  He asked me to marry him by giving me a ring.  I didnt ask him to marry me, so i didnt get him anything.

    I cant imagine buying him a gift that was the monetary equivalent of what my ring was.  That would just seem like a huge waste of money.

    I think its weird he is expecting a gift from you just because he asked you to marry him.
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  • Get him a $6k tattoo.  Those are pretty permanent.
    panther
  • Uhm when you get married you're giving yourselves to each other for like ever, isn't that gift enough. 

    And if you don't like all the shiit that comes with the tradition, why not just forget about the ring?
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  • The thing is we did not do a traditional proposal. We mutually decided as a couple that we wanted to get married and started planning accordingly. We had several long talks about things like kids, finances, 10 year plans, jobs etc and the ring conversation was included in that bundle. We talked about just skipping the ring as it is a little bit silly, but at the end of the day I really wanted it. We discussed me just buying the ring or splitting the cost becuase I feel like such a bitch for telling him to just drop 5 grand because I want it and we nixed that as too weird so we came up with the idea of celebrating our commitment to one another by giving each other a gift that we would be able to keep for the rest of our lives. I picked a ring, obviously. I don't feel like he is demanding a present any more than I was demanding a diamond, I just feel like we are using the tradition in a more egalitarian fashion.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:8f9ff8fb-aa86-4fa8-bd52-c5b9d87b5eee">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]The thing is we did not do a traditional proposal. We mutually decided as a couple that we wanted to get married and started planning accordingly. We had several long talks about things like kids, finances, 10 year plans, jobs etc and the ring conversation was included in that bundle. We talked about just skipping the ring as it is a little bit silly, but at the end of the day I really wanted it. We discussed me just buying the ring or splitting the cost becuase I feel like such a bitch for telling him to just drop 5 grand because I want it and we nixed that as too weird so we came up with the idea of celebrating our commitment to one another by giving each other a gift that we would be able to keep for the rest of our lives. I picked a ring, obviously. I don't feel like he is demanding a present any more than I was demanding a diamond,<strong><u> I just feel like we are using the tradition in a more egalitarian fashion.
    </u></strong>Posted by avensong[/QUOTE]

    In what tradition do you buy the man a gift?

    Did he buy you a hope chest since he is so traditional?
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  • Well we didn't really do a "traditional" proposal either.  I mean, I got a proposal, but we discussed marriage before the proposal for several months.  And I picked out my ring.

    He never did demand a gift of equal monetary value.  I can't decide if this is a good quality in a man or not.  I'M SO CONFUSED.
    panther
  • Im still interested in the whole "pre-engagement negotiation session" that took place.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:4f2a4c5e-7b48-4646-a456-40a14a30197b">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement Gift-For Him : But he's telling you to drop the same amount on something just because "he wants it."  And he can't even tell you WHAT he wants - he just wants a really expenstive gift because he gave you one.  
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]
    Yep. I might not think it was as BSC if he wanted something specific, but the idea that he needs something of equal monetary value is weird. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:36e3666a-1945-4055-bf9b-e7ea9e922d99">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]Im still interested in the whole "pre-engagement negotiation session" that took place.
    Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

    That's a new one.  Are they negotiations for the engagement or the marriage?  Do they include a chore wheel and a whoopy-making schedule? 
    panther
  • Who says you have to drop a bunch of money on a ring? Get a cheap one, there's no rule that says you have to spend a buttload. Then your FI won't be all bent out of shape about not getting a shiny, sparkly gift all his own.

    And it's pretty crappy that he's demanding something in return. I guess I see an e-ring as a gift, and when I give a gift, I don't expect the recipient to hand over something of equal or greater value.

    And what's a pre-engagement negotiation session?
  • So you want to blow a ton of money on something but there isn't anything he wants that badly? That seems wasteful to me.  I think it would be a bit different if there was something he really wanted. I get the idea of it, but I don't think it should be required to be the same monetary value. 

    I bought FH a pocket watch when we got engaged. Not because I had to but because I wanted him to have something nice to commemorate the engagement. He needed a watch anyway so it worked out. 
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  • You know all of those things that you are supposed to talk about before you get married? Like how you will split your finances, what will happen if one of you gets a dream job out of state, if and how many kids you want? We discussed those kinds of things, our expectations for marriage, how clean a kitchen really needs to be kept, we went over common sources of conflict in our relationship and how we saw our future together being. We also talked about how we wanted our engagement and wedding to go down. Because the two of us are very non-traditional it seemed irresponsible to not have a discussion.

    I really do not get the hate on the mutual gift idea. I get that it isn't what most couples do, but to me it makes the whole thing a little more romantic. I not only get rid of my diamond guilt, but I get to surprise him with something that he will love, and he will carry with him for the rest of our lives together. I was hoping that peeps had ideas, because I am terrible at big romantic gestures.

  • How clean the kitchen needs to be kept?

    Just buy him a car.  Even trade.
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  • I think the way your FI is approaching this is disgusting. Gifts should never be expected and especially not demanded.  I got H a promise ring because I wanted to, not because I had to.  As for the "5K" being spent on your ring, are you demanding that amount?  That whole "engagement rings must be worth three months salary" crap is just that...crap. It shouldn't matter if he spends 100$ or 1000$ on your ring, the point is sentimental value and the promise of commitment, not the price tag.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:a29e0fcf-6d06-4de3-8722-c50dc0b22427">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]You know all of those things that you are supposed to talk about before you get married? Like how you will split your finances, what will happen if one of you gets a dream job out of state, if and how many kids you want? We discussed those kinds of things, our expectations for marriage, how clean a kitchen really needs to be kept, we went over common sources of conflict in our relationship and how we saw our future together being. We also talked about how we wanted our engagement and wedding to go down. Because the two of us are very non-traditional it seemed irresponsible to not have a discussion. I really do not get the hate on the mutual gift idea. I get that it isn't what most couples do, but to me it makes the whole thing a little more romantic. I not only get rid of my diamond guilt, but I get to surprise him with something that he will love, and he will carry with him for the rest of our lives together. I was hoping that peeps had ideas, because I am terrible at big romantic gestures.
    Posted by avensong[/QUOTE]

    You do know what they say about the best laid plans, right?
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  • How are you surprising him with something that he is asking for and picking out himself?
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  • Buy his wedding ring?  

    I don't think FI really wanted anything more than certain types of "favors" for proposing. ;)
  • edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:a29e0fcf-6d06-4de3-8722-c50dc0b22427">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]You know all of those things that you are supposed to talk about before you get married? Like how you will split your finances, what will happen if one of you gets a dream job out of state, if and how many kids you want? We discussed those kinds of things, our expectations for marriage, how clean a kitchen really needs to be kept, we went over common sources of conflict in our relationship and how we saw our future together being. We also talked about how we wanted our engagement and wedding to go down. Because the two of us are very non-traditional it seemed irresponsible to not have a discussion. I really do not get the hate on the mutual gift idea. I get that it isn't what most couples do, but to me it makes the whole thing a little more romantic. I not only get rid of my diamond guilt, but I get to surprise him with something that he will love, and he will carry with him for the rest of our lives together. I was hoping that peeps had ideas, because I am terrible at <strong>big romantic gestures</strong>.
    Posted by avensong[/QUOTE]

    But see the fact that he asked for something in the first place takes away the whole romantic gesture. People aren't against the idea of mutual gift giving. It's just that fact that he EXPECTS it now. It's kind of rude.

    I honestly thing think whole thing has been so over analyzed you guys are kind of taking the fun out of the engagement, traditional or not.

    I can't afford to but my H something that is comparable to my ring. I just did a boudoir photo session for him, because I knew it would mean something to him that I went through the trouble. I hate having my picture taken.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:ffcab923-ad07-4c45-be0d-a4a5ef3c2424">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]Buy his wedding ring?   I don't think FI really wanted anything more than certain types of "favors" for proposing. ;)
    Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

    this is what I was thinking.  My sister got her H a ring to wear when they got engaged.  It was by no means demanded by him, and it was definitely not in the same league value-wise as her engagement ring, but it's a ring that he can keep forever.

    This whole notion of a pre-engagement negotiation session is strange to me.  Obviously you two don't live together, or I would think topics like finances and how clean to keep a kitchen would have come up before (they come up in our household almost daily).  I wold think living together or not, big picture topics (kids, "10 year plans", etc) would have come up at some point and shouldn't have to be negotiated, but that's just me.

    I have a friend who very strongly believes in the whole egalitarian relationship thing (she and her H both hypenated their last names), but this escapes her as well.  Good luck with this.
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  • You're being very dramatic about trying to be oh so UNEEK. It's weird. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:32d3428f-edfe-4d29-8112-7d3940fe2347">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're being very dramatic about trying to be oh so UNEEK. It's weird. 
    Posted by dmiller9274[/QUOTE]

    This.

    God knows H and I had some conversations about living arrangements and money. But other than that we just kind of flow. Things have a way of working or not. You talk about the big things and the rest figures itself out.

    Dealbreakers as my H and I call them are big issues like kids? no kids? etc...
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  • celticmysscelticmyss member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:768402c7-91fc-406e-a980-762a37ded51e">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement Gift-For Him :   It's kind of rude. I honestly thing think whole thing has been so over analyzed you guys are kind of taking the fun out of the engagement, traditional or not. 
    Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

    I definitely agree with this. 
    <div>
    </div><div>I think you are trying so hard to be "non-traditional" you're shooting yourselves in the foot. Just relax. </div><div>
    </div><div>FWIW I get what you are saying about the "negotiations" but again your way of wording things is just so over the top it makes it hard to take you seriously. </div>
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  • We are both engineers, very logically minded and very strong willed. I do full on two week design reviews on projects that will only last 6 months, it seems par for the course to have at least a couple sit-down discussions for a partnership intended to last the rest of my life. Most things on my to-discuss list had already been covered over our 2.5 years together but it seemed like a good idea to go over them one more time for insurance. 

    It is a surprise if I get his input and ultimately make the decision myself. The deal with my ring was that I picked the setting, and we set a budget and wish-list for the rock. I don't want to sound boasty, but we do make pretty good money at our jobs and I feel like if I am going to get a piece of jewelry it is going to be nice. $5000 for me is about three weeks before taxes, and I am in general pretty thrifty with my money, so I do not feel like either of us are making extravagent claims. It isn't like I insisted on 2 carets, I asked for 1/3 caret and he gave me .8. He won't tell me how much extra he spent to make that jump, he just said that he wanted me to have the prettiest stone that he could find.

    We live together but mostly keep things seperate. It seems like begging for disaster to merge checking accounts without being married. 

    On topic, I like the idea of a signet ring for him. There is an artist that he really loves that does hand engraved jewelry and he has a line of signet rings that are quite beautiful. It would symbolize us coming together as a family and if nothing else it would be super fun to pay the electric bill with a giant wax sealed envelope. He liked the idea as well, but the only issue is with the initials. From reading these forums it seems like a lot of people are very creative and have very good ideas, so I was hoping that there was something that I hadn't thought of. 
  • So "pre-engagement negotiations" was just a dramatic way of saying that you and your FI (which you dramatically call man person for some odd reason) talked about marriage like reasonable responsible adults. (which btw that's not uncommon, in fact it's very common for most couples regardless of your career)

    The very first line of your OP says that "man person" doesn't feel it's fair for you to get a gift if he doesn't. You can spin it anyway you want, but I think he's being an asshole face for it. 

    You also listed in your OP that neither one of you have any idea of what you want but your last post says that you've already designed your ring. 

    And you concluded with you really like the idea that you already had (according to OP) so I really have no idea what the point of this thread even was. 
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  • I wonder what FI would do if I called him "man person."  I kind of want to just for shites and giggles. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_engagement-gift-for-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3811b0af-6725-4ceb-998c-bfd0c1cca13bPost:88148389-91ed-4385-b7e7-4bebfe9722c8">Re: Engagement Gift-For Him</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wonder what FI would do if I called him "man person."  I kind of want to just for shites and giggles. 
    Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

    Please do and report back your findings! :)

    Seriously, my H is an engineer also, but he's not rigid and he's quite fun.
    You make it sound like 2 Vulcans are getting married and there is NO emotion whatsoever in this whole engagement.

    You had your "pre-engagement" talk, which as D pointed out, most rational couples do. Now its time to relax have fun and enjoy the engagement process.
     
    I feel like you want to convey how educated and wealthy you are by your post and there is no real question here.
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  • Can I just point out how happy I am that Vulcan was in the spellchecker! Yes, I'm a geek!
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  • I fail to see what's wrong with two Vulcans coming together when one of them looks like Zachary Quinto.  :swoon:

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  • edited February 2012

    I have pinterest to thank for the gift idea...
    How about getting him a ring that has your finger print etched in it? I've seen it on Pinterest a couple of times and have always thought it was an awesome idea. With a ring like that, it's one of a kind, and you're able to increase the monetary value of it by making it platinum instead of white gold, gold, or silver. Maybe you could surprise him with it too, as sort of a proposal of your own? You could get down on one knee and once again reiterate the vast amount of love and adoration you have for him. Make it your own and uneek for you two.

  • just another idea, if you want to spend about $5k--why not plan the honeymoon for him?  True, he can't carry it around with him, but it would fit into your "nontraditional" roles for you to do the honeymoon planning and all
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