Bummed again over cousin drama...kinda long, sorry

jujub423

For those of you not familiar with my story:

I got engaged May 2011 and we set our wedding date for June 22, 2012.  My cousin got engaged in november 2011, and planned her wedding on June 2nd, 2012.

She saw my dress 3 weeks before she went dress shopping, and ended up buying the exact same dress. 
FI and I got very close with my aunt and uncle who live in Florida when my grandma passed away in April 2011 and they came to michigan for the funeral and to help my mom with the estate, etc.  We spent a lot of time with them and had told them our wedding would be June 2012 (the engagement was not a surprise, we had talked about it), my aunt and uncle said they couldn't wait to come celebrate our day with us and would plan on it.

***Fast forward to present day:
Well, as of my RSVP date on May 17, we still had not heard from them.  My mom emailed my uncle about a week later just letting them know that we hadn't received the rsvp card yet.  He emailed back that because they got my cousin's wedding invite before mine, they decided to go to her wedding instead.  This has been the response of a few family members at this point--weddings too close, so they chose which one to go to by whose invitation they got first.  I understand that it isn't feasible to fly to michigan from florida twice within 2 weeks, but this never would have happened if it wasn't for my frickin cousin.  When we decided on a date just a few days after the engagement, my mom called my uncle and aunt to let them know, and they said they wouldn't miss it.

I am so bummed about this still.  I understand that yes I will be able to see these relatives at her wedding, but it's not the same. I know she's not doing it on purpose, but she had originally planned to get married in august or september this year, and they decided they didn't want to wait that long.  My sister said I'm *letting* her ruin it for me and if I'm upset about all of this I have only myself to blame, but how do I stop myself from feeling this way?  I have serious doubts about being able to stay at her wedding the entire time.  I don't even really want to go, considering FI can't go with me to her wedding (he doesn't want to see my dress before our wedding, and I certainly don't want him seeing it on someone else before he sees it on me).  Seriously, if this had been a neighbor, or some girl from work, I wouldn't bat an eye.  This entire experience has just made me want to postpone my wedding to next year and get a new dress.  Unfortunately, it's too late for that.

I guess what I'm asking for is any advice on how to change how I feel about this, or how to get through her wedding without leaving. I've been praying about this, but my feelings have yet to change. I want to suck it up and be happy for her and not let all of this bother me as much as it does.  I know I've posted about this a few times, but everytime there is a new disappointment, I just get upset all over again

mkrupar

There is now nothing you can do about this. Her wedding is this weekend, and yours is in a couple of weeks. Just.get.over.it. Dwelling on the hurt feelings aren't going to make you feel better. You're almost wallowing in this now. You have a right to be upset, I won't deny this, but you just need to get over it.

Focus on your wedding, seeing the friends and family surrounding you on your wedding day and try really hard not to compare her in her dress to you in yours. I don't know what else to say. I'm a tough love kind of person.

brandichamberlain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bummed-again-over-cousin-dramakinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3cae4be3-e4ac-4b0e-856d-35864af8c5d6Post:f5632598-a0e4-4e92-a9e5-e1d36b0950bf">Re: Bummed again over cousin drama...kinda long, sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>There is now nothing you can do about this. Her wedding is this weekend, and yours is in a couple of weeks. </strong>Just.get.over.it. Dwelling on the hurt feelings aren't going to make you feel better. You're almost wallowing in this now. You have a right to be upset, I won't deny this, but you just need to get over it. <strong>Focus on your wedding, seeing the friends and family surrounding you on your wedding day and try really hard not to compare her in her dress to you in yours.</strong> I don't know what else to say. I'm a tough love kind of person.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with the bolded.  I know that it stinks that not everyone will be there for your wedding, but think of it this way- at her wedding you'll be a guest and get to sit and visit with these family members.  She will be incredibly busy that day and likely not have the same opportunity.   FWIW, my FI's cousin is getting married just a few weeks before us and we just accepted this sort of thing would happen.  We just tried to see the bright side of it. </div>

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Ditto mk. I am sorry all this has happened. But there is nothing you can do about it now, it's all out of your control. I think if you don't or can't get over it, that's okay, but of you want to try you just need to stop dwelling on it. Worrying about things you have no control over is not constructive and won't help you. Actively try to put this behind you in whatever way you can. And if you don't go to your cousins wedding I wouldn't blame you.

KateJ10

I don't really know what to tell you, except to focus on how awesome and special your wedding is going to be. Don't wreck your time now by being bitter and resentful, you will look back and regret it.

jujub423

you know what...agreed.  I need to just focus on me and my FI right now.  I think it's hard for me because this has kind of been the story of my life, like "seriously, me again?!"  Everyone in my family keeps telling me I'm wrong for being upset, maybe that's why I keep feeling upset and can't get over it.  I really appreciate the kind but tough love.  It helps to hear from others that it's ok to feel this way.  Maybe having my feelings validated will help me with my actions. 

and Kate, I love that dress, you look beautiful! 

allisong23

You definitely have a right to be pissed, but unfortunately there is not much you can do about it. If it makes you feel better, most of the family on my Dad's side didn't come to my wedding, and not for any real reason. The wedding went on and we had a phenomenal time without then. After, both my aunts and my cousins said hoe much they regretted not going. So, in the end, it is their loss, not yours. You will still have a wonderful day without them.

pixiedust84

Dude, your cousin is being a B. Everything she is doing is pretty sucky and you have every right to be upset, I would too! But I will say that since there is not much you can do you do need to try to let it go. You will have an amazing wedding and you will be so happy that you will forget all about her!

Nebb

I remember you! I've been curious what has been happening with your sitch. I still say don't go to the wedding, eff that noise.

jenajjthr

I will ditto a PP.  The aunt and uncle who you are close too, but won't be coming to your wedding, you will get a ton of one on one time with them this weekend that you won't get on your wedding day.  As much as it sucks, see the silver lining in all of this.  You get more time with the family that can't make it to your wedding this weekend. 

pixiedust84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bummed-again-over-cousin-dramakinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3cae4be3-e4ac-4b0e-856d-35864af8c5d6Post:16a295a3-02ea-40d9-b654-434ce1f0e246">Re:Bummed again over cousin drama...kinda long, sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]I remember you! I've been curious what has been happening with your sitch. I still say don't go to the wedding, eff that noise.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

Yeah that's not a bad idea. Boycott!

I really don't like your cousin.

mkrupar

I wouldn't begrudge you not going to your cousin's wedding either, but you will miss spending time with those family members that won't be coming to yours. You have to weigh that decision carefully.

finleyac

I have the same problem, except it's my fiance's brother! It's a really big bummer that I have people just not coming to either wedding cuz they don't want to have to choose. Needless to say, I'm not going to their wedding. I thought it was hilarious that they thought I would be flying down to Washington three weeks before my wedding, and then again for my own wedding. If you think you'll have trouble getting through her wedding, then don't go! You have no obligation here.

jujub423

I would love to not go at all, but I know that if I don't, people will wonder why my whole family is there but me, then I'm sure the whole story will come out (everyone knows about the dress though) and I'll look like a spiteful B.  That's why I figured I'll go, try to have a good time, and if I can't, I'll just leave, and send her a check for my meal.

With all the last minute stuff happening, I think maybe I've lost perspective and haven't really even thought about my actual wedding day, and how special it will be regardless of who is there.  It is so close now, and I am going to take all the advice given here and focus all my energy on that. Seeing how happy everyone is in their siggy pics of their wedding definitely heIps.  I've decided that everytime I start thinking of my cousin and all the drama, I have to do 50 lunges.  I hate excercising, so it should work well

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bummed-again-over-cousin-dramakinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3cae4be3-e4ac-4b0e-856d-35864af8c5d6Post:02846341-9283-4cdd-80df-77f007a898e0">Re: Bummed again over cousin drama...kinda long, sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]I have the same problem, except it's my fiance's brother! It's a really big bummer that I have people just not coming to either wedding cuz they don't want to have to choose. <strong>Needless to say, I'm not going to their wedding.</strong> I thought it was hilarious that they thought I would be flying down to Washington three weeks before my wedding, and then again for my own wedding. If you think you'll have trouble getting through her wedding, then don't go! You have no obligation here.
Posted by finleyac[/QUOTE]

Your not going to your FBIL's wedding? That's pretty petty right there. That's your FI's BROTHER, not just a cousin. I hope at least your FI is going. What's so hilarious about it? I know it makes it difficult with family weddings so close, but you sound terrible in this post.

[Deleted User]

Well, I think your cousin is a complete doouche and that you have every right to be upset. I also think your aaunt and uncle suck for backing out. I or my mom depending on who talked to them would have reminded them of their promise to attend before invitations went out. In any case I would go for part of it because, like you said, otherwise you look bad.

Blueyed228

I dont know why you are still considering going to this whores wedding or even keeping in contact with her.  She sounds like she is still being a douche.  Eff her and her wedding.

Son&Heir

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bummed-again-over-cousin-dramakinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3cae4be3-e4ac-4b0e-856d-35864af8c5d6Post:a7a3ec82-1981-40b7-84c9-f73e269446c9">Re: Bummed again over cousin drama...kinda long, sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont know why you are still considering going to this whores wedding or even keeping in contact with her.  She sounds like she is still being a douche.  Eff her and her wedding.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Stay on my arm, you little charmer!

Jlp818

Yikes!  That is horrible!  But since you seem like you have already decided to go, I agree with previous posters and you should dress to the nines and go have fun on their dime!  You will look fab in your dress on your day. 

Annas2013

If I were you I would go, because yes it would look bad if you didn't.  Plus...you have an excuse to eat cake.  It really sucks what she did and no it wasn't nice.  I'm sorry you have to go through all that drama over her picking a date close to yours, knowing it would require people to fly to both weddings.  There really is nothing you can do at this point, other than just accepting that this isn't going to change.  I do think you have a right to be upset, but you can't dwell on it.  Focus on how awesome your wedding is going to be.

Also if you go to her wedding you can see your aunt and uncle more than you would see them on your own wedding day.  Just saying.  

McRogol

Life is really not about what happens to you, but how you choose to react to what happens. Do you want to be a vindictive gal who holds grudges and feels like, "why me?!" or do you want to be someone who picks herself up, smiles in the face of adversity and moves on?

Lang125

Why would anyone want to buy the same dress as their cousin?   That seems really weird, and it also seems as though her wedding is more about you than it should be.  Be happy in your choices and that you are not acting like her and forget about it.  She obviously gets some sort of pleasure in doing this and you being upset is exactly what she wants.  Ignore it and be happy that your day is original.

NuggetBrain

What a stupid heifer.  Go enjoy her food, her booze and her cake and feel secure in knowing you're going to look a million times better in that damn dress then her punkass is.

Starmusica

I don't get the dress thing. When she told you she bought it- what did you say? what did she say in response?

I guess because no one in my family would do this- I just don't get it. If one of my cousins did this, I would call them out on it. I can't understand how something like this persists.

Lizzieyounce

Just think about how much you will be calling her out, and likely taking the wind out of her sails, if you go smiling and being gracious.

I don't know the scoop on your cousin, but from what I've gathered she's petty and tryng to hurt you. 

Kill em with kindness.  It's the best revenge.

Stackeye210

Do you think some of the family is choosing to go to her wedding over yours b/c they feel you are less dramatic?  Choose the path of least resistance and all?  If she's this AW'ing then I can imagine that all to be true.  Family might just be trying not to make waves and through the grapevine just sort of decided that whatever invite they got first they would attend to "keep it fair". 

Of course that sucks for you, but it probably is a compliment to you and the fact that you're sane and she is well......NOT. 

The best thing you can do is put on the happiest face you can have on Saturday, be very complimentary and enjoy the sh*t out of the relatives that won't be at your wedding while you get to see them. 

Oh, and the dress.  Well no 2 people look the same in any dress, but I think it might be fun to maybe step on it or something before the ceremony?  Whoops, my bad? 

Ok, not really, but just remember, you'll be beautiful on your wedding day in your own unique way, she can't take that away from you.  Plus there's a whole half of a guest list that won't be attending your cousins wedding, plus probably a few more. 

Ideal?  No, definitely not. 

Good luck. 

jujub423

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bummed-again-over-cousin-dramakinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3cae4be3-e4ac-4b0e-856d-35864af8c5d6Post:05f45f74-f005-4166-9450-a7d40246ea9e">Re: Bummed again over cousin drama...kinda long, sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't get the dress thing. When she told you she bought it- what did you say? what did she say in response? I guess because no one in my family would do this- I just don't get it. If one of my cousins did this, I would call them out on it. I can't understand how something like this persists.
Posted by Starmusica[/QUOTE]

My cousin told me about it at a party my parents had, I knew she had gone dress shopping so asked her if she had found one.  The room got silent. Because I was late to the party, my little sister had already asked, and when she showed her the dress, shiitt hit the fan.  I arrived about an hour later, and when I found out, I was kind of in shock, thought maybe it was a joke.  Then I saw the dress and just smiled and nodded my head as she explained how sorry she was and how she didn't realize it was the same one and that she would alter this and that, etc (which she ended up deciding not to alter anything).  I sent her an email afew days later saying how hurt I was and how much I would appreciate it if she would call the bridal store and try to cancel her order and look for a new dress.  She emailed me back saying nope, sorry, I love this dress and I can't get a new one now (this was 6 months before her wedding, which is this weekend).

My little sister, who is also my MOH, is very close to this cousin, and ended up leaking that we were doing grey tuxes and told her our colors, etc.  Next time I talked to my cousin, she said they decided to do grey tuxes and they changed their wedding colors too (not exactly mine, but one of them).

jujub423

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bummed-again-over-cousin-dramakinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3cae4be3-e4ac-4b0e-856d-35864af8c5d6Post:8f419697-c9af-4f1c-9d58-c40d2dc4a41f">Re: Bummed again over cousin drama...kinda long, sorry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bummed again over cousin drama...kinda long, sorry : I would not assume you're being spiteful. I would assume you were busy because your wedding was in two weeks and your FI can't even go.  If you don't want to go, don't. Or hey, skip the ceremony and just go to the reception. There's no reason you have to torture yourself.  She was in the wrong, not you. 
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

Why didn't I think of this!?  I think that seriously just might be the best decision, to go to the reception but not the ceremony.  Then I won't sit there fuming while everyone talks about how beautiful she is and her dress.

Maybe I'll show up half drunk already, eat her food, get more drunk on her booze, and then accidentally throw up all over her dress when I hug her goodbye!

I kid.....but seriously, fuuck the ceremony.

bonge

You are definately a bigger person than i am. I would not go for any reason. I would be upset that i had to go alone & no matter how hard i tried i would not get over the things she did to spite me. I wouldn't want that to interfere with my mood leading up to the wedding. I get she is family but what lengths do you have to go to just for the title?

GoBlueforlife

I say go to your cousins wedding and enjoy spending time with you family, but not having to pay for their dinner!  ha (is that bad???)  But seriously- thats pretty crazy she bought the same dress as you, but think of the dress as just a piece of the entire outfit.  Its really all about how you accesorize it and wear it.  Add a sash!  Wear a unique head piece!  Rent some fabulous over the top jewlery for the reception!  Wear if with confidence and own it.  No one will remember they saw the same dress a few weeks before. 

bridget1312

OOH, her picking the same dress as mine is what would piss me off...  The date and such whatefver in my eyes, that there is nothing you can do..  EEW on her seeing YOUR DRESS then getting the SAME ONE!!!!  Sorry, I am no help..  I guess just try to think about YOUR day and YOUR happiness..  Don't let her get you down..  Maybe some people will make it out again, who know..  Good luck girl!!!!  B