Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?

NoAngelx

I'm venting here... I'm getting married for the second time, my first husband evolved into a crazy alcoholic abusive jerk and so I left. Now after 5 years apart I am getting remarried to my high school sweetheart (who I probably should have married all along). Anyways I have noticed that once people hear that you are on your second wedding they treat you differently. I have a friend who is engaged who has made comments like "Well its my first wedding, so I don't like this or that or whatever, but its ok for you since its your second" I have also had people ask if I will wear white!? Or a wedding dress at all!! I have even noticed on these boards that sometimes people seem to look down their nose at second time brides... I didn't choose for my life to end up this way, I wanted to marry once and have it last forever just like everybody else, but it didn't, and now I have the true love of my life, and I will marry him!!

NoAngelx

Oh and I know it shows I have like 7 posts, I used these boards 7 years ago for my first wedding and had like 600+ posts, then I was on the nest also... And still lurked here on and off a lot...things have changed in 7 years, but I am not really a newbie.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I married my high school sweetheart too

I have no idea why first time brides would look down at second time brides - but honestly, I think the only people who would do that are probably assholes in the first place.  No one is in any position to judge your life.  Screw 'em.  And congrats on your engagement!

Nebb

I don't think it has anything to do with first time brides. Your friend is just a jerk.

kd.joseph

I didn't experience that and this is my third. Maybe, just quit talking to those people about it.

The people who really matter will just be happy you are happy. Good Luck.

pirategal03

I think a lot of first time brides want the pomp, and assume that multiple time brides will be over all of that.  So the "I want this because it's my first wedding"-ness can come from that.

There's also a lot of "If I ever get married again I'm not doing it like this" sentiment.  I know there's things I would do very differently.  People are projecting.

NoAngelx

I would like to think that its just one person, but it has happened more than once... *sigh* Even a lady in a bridal store I wandered into changed her attitude once I said I was a second time bride.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:94c478ae-ff52-45ac-82b7-413330fb889d">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would like to think that its just one person, but it has happened more than once... *sigh* Even a lady in a bridal store I wandered into changed her attitude once I said I was a second time bride.
Posted by NoAngelx[/QUOTE]

So why do you tell people?  There's no reason a bridal consultant needs to know that.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:94c478ae-ff52-45ac-82b7-413330fb889d">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would like to think that its just one person, but it has happened more than once... *sigh* Even a lady in a bridal store I wandered into changed her attitude once I said I was a second time bride.
Posted by NoAngelx[/QUOTE]

Lame...

Nebb

Eff them, seriously. I don't see how it should matter how many times you've been married, there's no reason to not want it as nice as possible.

alynne1113

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:94c478ae-ff52-45ac-82b7-413330fb889d">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would like to think that its just one person, but it has happened more than once... *sigh* Even a lady in a bridal store I wandered into changed her attitude once I said I was a second time bride.
Posted by NoAngelx[/QUOTE]

Why are you telling people? I didn't tell the bridal consultant it was my first wedding.

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:94c478ae-ff52-45ac-82b7-413330fb889d">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would like to think that its just one person, but it has happened more than once... *sigh* <strong>Even a lady in a bridal store I wandered into changed her attitude once I said I was a second time bride</strong>.
Posted by NoAngelx[/QUOTE]

She obviously will not be in business long if she keeps that up. And if she's not the owner, the owner needs to have a conversation with her.

The bridal shop I went to treated me just as if it was my first. I had a borrowed dress that barely fit for my first and a JOP wedding the second time. My DH had a JOP the first time, so this was for us, not for anyone else.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

If I was getting married for a second time I'd do whatever the fluck I wanted.  I hated wedding planning but having a kickass dress and an enormous party?  It rocked.  I'd do it again and wouldn't judge anyone for that.

But yeah you don't have to tell people you're on your second marriage - like the bridal consultant?  That's none of her business anyway.  They don't need to know how many weddings you've had or how old your bridesmaids are or what flavor cake you're serving at the reception.  They just need to worry about getting you into a dress you love. 

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:57f72c4b-7322-4a69-8780-301270f13390">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides? : I'll be honest, if for some reason I got married a second time, I would probably tone it down, but I would never sideeye a second time bride for going all out (or whatever she wants to do).
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I might, but not because they're a second time bride (or third or fourth).  I'd sideeye lots of things, it's fiscal.  Weddings can be expensive.

achiduck

People are just generally rude sometimes.

NoAngelx

My first wedding was in Mexico, very small and lowkey, on the beach, my immediate family (5 people) the bride and groom and a few friends I knew in Mexico (nobody other than our 2 kids, my parents and my sister came with us from Canada).(non of his family came because they are all addicts, in jail/cant leave country or on assistance) Then when we got home we had a small hall party, with about 30 people. So this time still want water/beach love the water and beach and I love the pics you can get...So I would love another destination wedding but this time I'm proud to be getting married and not trying to run and hide where nobody can see us.. Plus I love his family! So to compromise I am looking at beach houses a few hours between us and our families,to spend a whole 3-4 days together!! its on a lake so not as nice, but still a beach! And people keep saying.. Isn't that a bit much!? Didn't you get married on a beach before?? Why not just go to city hall and throw a party at your house??... Grrrrrrr

pirategal03

IMO "Didn't you get married on a beach before?" = "You want this marriage to start in the same physical place as your first marriage?  Isn't that bad karma or symbolism or something?" And, it's still none of their business.  The other questions are crap.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:0a605b60-0cd8-4df5-8654-264144eb5387">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]My first wedding was in Mexico, very small and lowkey, on the beach, my immediate family (5 people) the bride and groom and a few friends I knew in Mexico (nobody other than our 2 kids, my parents and my sister came with us from Canada).(non of his family came because they are all addicts, in jail/cant leave country or on assistance) Then when we got home we had a small hall party, with about 30 people. So this time still want water/beach love the water and beach and I love the pics you can get...So I would love another destination wedding but this time I'm proud to be getting married and not trying to run and hide where nobody can see us.. Plus I love his family! So to compromise I am looking at beach houses a few hours between us and our families,to spend a whole 3-4 days together!! its on a lake so not as nice, but still a beach! <strong> And people keep saying.. Isn't that a bit much!? Didn't you get married on a beach before?? Why not just go to city hall and throw a party at your house??... Grrrrrrr</strong>
Posted by NoAngelx[/QUOTE]

I'd tell them that since it's your wedding (no matter if it's the second time you're getting married or the twenty-second) you get to plan it and since this is what you want, then no, it's not too much; sure you got married on a beach before but that doesn't mean you can't do it again (by the same token, if you get married in a church the first time you shouldn't get married in a church the second time?  eff that); and you're not going to city hall because YOU DON'T WANT TO. 

Tell them to judge something that's actually judgworthy.  Like I dunno.  Rick Santorum.

NoAngelx

If I remember correctly it just came up in conversation.. I'm very open and honest (too much sometimes) and I think she was showing me dresses and I just said I didn't like the strapless because I had that for my first wedding and I wanted something different.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:f293d3ef-1c86-4e89-8392-a5d2cb650253">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]If I remember correctly it just came up in conversation.. I'm very open and honest (too much sometimes) and I think she was showing me dresses and I just said I didn't like the strapless because I had that for my first wedding and I wanted something different.
Posted by NoAngelx[/QUOTE]

And she scoffed at you - she's a bitch.  At that point I'd be all "Excuse me?  Can I have a different consultant?  Thanks!"

NoAngelx

Thanks guys! I was just getting really friggen frustrated and somehow I found my way onto this board this morning and the venting began.. Ha!

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:f293d3ef-1c86-4e89-8392-a5d2cb650253">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]If I remember correctly it just came up in conversation.. I'm very open and honest (too much sometimes) and I think she was showing me dresses and I just said I didn't like the strapless because I had that for my first wedding and I wanted something different.
Posted by NoAngelx[/QUOTE]

This is a battle I fight with myself sometimes.  I hear myself say something and think "WHY am I telling them that?! There's no reason to share that!"  I'm working on it, so I totally understand.  I've been helped by trying to find different ways to stay truthful but still get my point across.

Next time try "I don't want a strapless dress." Your reasons are your own. 

NoAngelx

Maybe I'm just too sensitive, I just keep getting the comments, remarks, looks.... And maybe I'm letting it get to me too much...

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:810bb7b4-ac57-4a77-930b-94943d408c62">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm just too sensitive, I just keep getting the comments, remarks, looks.... And maybe I'm letting it get to me too much...
Posted by NoAngelx[/QUOTE]

Don't let it get you down.  You're getting married, you're supposed to be happy right now.  Anyone who isn't supportive of that is a douchebag who isn't worth your time.  I mean - really.  Who tries to bring down a happy person?  An asshole, that's who.  Those people suck and are probably unhappy with their own lives, or just jealous of you.  Sounds cliche, but true.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:b91a8cf3-e50a-40cb-bfc3-28b66224e6ba">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides? : Don't let it get you down.  You're getting married, you're supposed to be happy right now.  Anyone who isn't supportive of that is a douchebag who isn't worth your time.  I mean - really.  Who tries to bring down a happy person?  An asshole, that's who.  Those people suck and are probably unhappy with their own lives, or just jealous of you.  Sounds cliche, but true.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

This!  And seriously, the divorce rate in this country is like 50%, so there's a lot of people who get married again.

You are happy and marrying a man you love, it shouldn't matter to anyone else that he's the first one or the second.

KarleeKrause35

OP, I'm a bit late to this, but I get where you're coming from, if only from a different angle.

My FI has been married before, and we are having a decent sized at home wedding. People make comments to me all the time. "Oh, hasn't he been married before? I can't believe he's going all out on a second wedding." It used to really hurt my feelings, like I wasn't good enough to make the effort to plan a nice wedding just because I'm his second wife.

Ignore these people. They are irrelevant to you and your happiness. And the "first time" brides who look down on you? I'm guessing some of them are the ignorant kind who think that it would never happen to them.

lenergyrlah

I'm getting married for the first time, but I think that a wedding is a wedding regardless of how many you've had before.  If someone asks you if you're wearing white, you could respond "Of course!  Didn't you when you got married?"  And as far as the other snide comments, just ask them if they really think you shouldn't celebrate your wedding just because you've been married before.  If they think it's not worth celebrating, keep that in mind when you make your guest list

annie912

I can totally relate. This is the second marriage for both of us. Both of our ex-spouses had serious issues and chose to end the marriages. Neither of us thought we would ever be divorced, or getting remarried.

While it isn't really anyone's business how many times you've been married, sometimes it just comes out in conversation. I don't feel like you should have to censor yourself because some bridal consultant is an unprofessional twit. I wouldn't have asked for a new consultant, I would have walked right out of the store. Judging is judging, regardless of whether or not you "should" or "should not" have said you were married before. Screw it, it's a fact. And yeah, a lot of people get divorced (often through no fault of their own) and remarried. I would imagine that a lot of the average bridal salon's business comes from second-time brides. I just don't get how she can be so dumb.

I do like the "icy stare of death". If that doesn't work, I just remember that at some point, their lives will take a turn that they don't anticipate and they may find themselves in a situation that they would have previously judged.

I can't remember where it's from, (I think Dr. Suess?) but I saw a quote once - "be yourself because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" (or something like that). Good luck!

dragonwagon

I'm from a somewhat "backwards" place (I guess most of you could guess), and around here it's considered tacky to go all out if it's not your first wedding. I'm not really sure why they feel that way. But it doesn't matter to me. I don't look down at second time brides. Different strokes for different folks. Congratulations! I'm marrying my high school sweet heart too!

FreeSpirit666

I agree with the others. Don't let the naysayers get you down. Their just jealous because you get to choose a 2nd dress & get what most don't, a second time to do things right lol

2dBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_first-time-brides-look-down-their-nose-second-time-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:435d8941-a4c0-4e25-868d-a676c6d880e2Post:26fdf167-2ec4-4e6f-acf1-d1451dd3ec37">Re: Why is it that first time brides look down their nose at second time brides?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell them to judge something that's actually judgworthy.  Like I dunno.  Rick Santorum.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Amen to that, sister!