Family and RSVP Nightmare

tmoseman

We wanted a wedding with about 75 people, but just MYaunts, uncles, grandparents and 1st cousins were at 65! That's not taking into account that most of my cousins are married, have about 3-4 kids each, and insist on bringing all of them everywhere. My family is also always fighting and is very high-drama, which I want nothing to do with. I haven't even seen most of these people in over 8 years. We decided to go "adults only", but 2 of my cousins who have 8 kids between them informed my mother they were "heartbroken" they couldn't bring their kids. My mother caved and told them it was fine to bring them. Now everyoen thinks that their kids are the "exception". I've never met any of these children and I wanted a more adult event. I've also had several cousins who I invited as singles ( I didn't put "& guest" on their invites) tell my mom they were bringing their new girlfriends to my wedding. My FH was pressured into inviting some of his co-workers, distant family members and friends he hasn't seen in years. I told him that I had cut cousins and most of my friends so we needed to compromise. He agreed, talked to those people, and came back telling me that several of them told him they wouldn't be able to make it, he wanted to invite them as a courtesy, which I was completely fine with. Imagine my surprise when I start receiving "Will Attend" RSVP's from these people. My FH called them and they had cleared their previous schedules to come to the wedding! We had invited about 120 people. It looks as though we are going to have about 150!   There were many family members I didn't invite for various reasons and I've been informed that most of them plan on showing up anyway...uninvited! I'm paying $75 per plate and we are only having as many chairs as people that RSVP, so this could cause some problems. I'm about to throw in the towel. Everytime I put my foot down, my mother goes behind my back and tells people that it's fine. I've also noticed that everyone is going to my mom with questions and these problems instead of me. I am planning from out-of-state, we live in Kansas, are getting married in Nebraska, and most of our guests are from Iowa, Colorado and Kansas. Because of this, on 2 of our inserts, FH and I put OUR contact information for anyone who had additional questions. I'm normally very laid-back, but I'm starting to get a little upset about this whole thing. Anyone have any advice on how to handle this or been in this situation before?

deepcovejackie

Could we have a coles notes version?  I couldn't make it throught the whole post...Thanks!

MairePoppy

I hope your mom is paying for this wedding since she is so free with the invitations. If you are paying, tell the cousins "Sorry, my Mom misunderstood. We are not able to invite your kids or anyone else's because of our budget. We understand if you will not be able to attend."

thurys

I can relate to not being connected to family members.  I have several extended family members I haven't spoken to in years, and I chose not to invite them.  If your mother continues to step on your toes, it might be time to speak up and tell her how it's going to be.  Very tough to do, but sounds like it might be necessary.

Blueyed228

Wow, some people have alot of nerve.  My greek side is the same way with kids.  They just assume the kids are invited and get EXTREMELY offended when you inform them that they are not.

Maybe you could try to talk to these people and explain to them that you have limited space and a budget.  I do agree with PP that if your mom is footing the bill, then is it really going to bother you if these extra people come?

Worse case senario, just be honest with them and tell them that you have only reserved X number of seats for them.  Especially if its your money.  And definatly talk to your mom and explain that enough is enough with the additions!

You didnt say what kind of wedding you are having.  But if its plated and people have the nerve to show up univited, then let them be embarassed when there is no seat or food for them.

I feel for you.  That would really make me mad.  Especially since its your wedding and they are going behind your back to your mom.  Definatly talk to mom and tell her how you feel.  If you want a small intimate wedding, then thats what you should have.  Dont let people bully your mom into being able to come.

Good Luck!

bablingbrooke

Since Mom invited all these other people, Mom can pay for each additional person.  If not, she gets to call them and explain the situation.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_family-rsvp-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:658f20f6-1124-4b92-966a-9e687fe0382cPost:1b687b36-019a-4a80-b7c9-18525869fcd2">Re: Family and RSVP Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]Since Mom invited all these other people, Mom can pay for each additional person.  If not, she gets to call them and explain the situation.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.

SarahPLiz

Yep, mom needs to foot the bill or call them and rescind her invitation. If people show up without being invited, then that's very rude of them, and I wouldn't serve them, or give them a place to sit, but that's just me, and I know I won't have to deal with that.

tmoseman

Thats kind of what I'm thinking right now, too. She has got to stop. I never see these people and they have made no attempt to be involved in my life, even when I have tried to keep in touch with them. My FH and I are paying for everything. One of my main frustrations is that everyone is bypassing me and going to my mother for some reason, as though it were her wedding, not mine. I haven't had a single phone call or email from anyone but my close friends and grandparents congratulating us on our engagement and we announced months ago that we would be more than happy to help anyone with any questions out. The whole thing is very hurtful. I just found out my mom and her sisters have already decided what style of posed pictures and what people they want in those pictures....at my wedding with our photographer! We were planning on doing all of the pictures before the ceremony and not doing any formal, traditional shots since I prefer a more journalistic, lifelike style. I'm putting down my foot on that, too, but I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy here.

Blueyed228

Well since you are paying for it, the guest list is up to you.  Either mom has to pay for the extra people, or she needs to call them back and tell them that her invitation was premature.

If she doesnt want to do that, then you should not feel bad about doing it yourself.  It would be different if mom just went around asking people to come.  But since these people clearly cant take a hint about the fact that you DIDNT invite them yourself and went behind your back and invited themselves through your mom, then maybe the direct approach ("I'm sorry you assumed you were recieiveing an invitation, but due to our budget, we are keeping the guest list as low as possible")

If they still dont get the hint and show up anyway, then they will have no where to seat and nothing to eat, lol.

suz62984

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW! The invites have gone out so you are a little stuck in places; however here is what I would do:
1) Tell mom that if anyone else calls her she is to immediately say "I'm sorry but I do not have that information. Please contact my daughter at..."
2)Call these cousins and tell them that mom misunderstood and that it was an adult only reception.  Maybe give them a list of babysitters in the area.  STAY FIRM ON THIS!
3) Call these thoughtless people who replied with a guest(when one was not invited) and tell them that due to budget constraints you will not be able to accommodate a guest and you understand if they will not be able to attend.

Yes this will seem heartless but this is your day.  unless your mom is paying she should not be taking calls about invites. Your friends and coworkers should not be inviting people on your behalf. If you want an adult reception (as I do) then have one. Stand firm and good luck!

britne28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_family-rsvp-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:658f20f6-1124-4b92-966a-9e687fe0382cPost:51d548b9-0057-4925-9cb7-68f9a491bfd9">Re: Family and RSVP Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]Thats kind of what I'm thinking right now, too. She has got to stop. I never see these people and they have made no attempt to be involved in my life, even when I have tried to keep in touch with them. My FH and I are paying for everything. One of my main frustrations is that everyone is bypassing me and going to my mother for some reason, as though it were her wedding, not mine. I haven't had a single phone call or email from anyone but my close friends and grandparents congratulating us on our engagement and we announced months ago that we would be more than happy to help anyone with any questions out. The whole thing is very hurtful. I just found out my mom and her sisters have already decided what style of posed pictures and what people they want in those pictures....at my wedding with our photographer! We were planning on doing all of the pictures before the ceremony and not doing any formal, traditional shots since I prefer a more journalistic, lifelike style. I'm putting down my foot on that, too, but I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy here.
Posted by tmoseman[/QUOTE]

Your photographer works for you not your mother.  You need to sit down with the photographer and give him your list and explain to him that no one else dictates what poses and who is in them. 

mags0607

I feel for you because your mother sounds a little overbearing, but you need to put your foot down, NOW! It will get worse if you don't.

1. Call your mother, tell her firmly that you cannot accommodate anymore guests at your wedding and that she is not to extend anymore invitations or answer any questions in regards to the guestlist. Ask her that she refer those questions to you.

2. Call the people that your mother invited and tell them that there was a misunderstanding, and that you cannot accommodate the extra guests. Do the same for people that RSVPed with a "plus one" and you didn't budget for one.

3. You are paying, so you and your FI need to take the reigns back. It may not be easy to stand up to the outside factors, but you have to do it or it will be chaos. Plus, that is a lot of your extra money that will be going to this if you do not do damage control now.

Good Luck.

ralexander007

1. Well, I hope your Mom at least senses she has a time-out coming, because if you haven't even said one peep about this to her, that's not good! But it's true, you do have to lay down the law. But there's no need sound like a meanie while doing it. You can just say, "You know, I know you're excited about the wedding, and I am, too! And I can see that you're trying to help. But from this point forward I'm going to be handling everything with regards to the wedding. There can be no exceptions." If anyone calls and asks your mother questions, she is just to say...and repeat after me..."They've made some changes to the wedding..." (This is a little fib so she can kind of remove a little bit of her boo boo.) "...and at this point I know just about it as much as you do. But if you have any questions or concerns please call my daughter and she'll be happy to give you more info."

2. As far as the random people who have suddenly added themselves to the guest list, and the cousins with the bus full of kids, you're just going to have to clean up that mess tactfully. Having people show up and not having somewhere for them to sit would cause waaaaay more grief and drama for the rest of your life than if they just didn't come. You don't want to embaress them that way in front of a whole room full of people. You can tell those people the same thing you told your mom and just add a little to it, "You know, my Mom is so excited about the wedding and she really wants this to be a celebration. But she hasn't really been involved with the planning of the wedding beyond just sending me her love and support. So unfortunately her info about the wedding should probably be taken with a giant heeping ladel full of salt. This is going to be an adult event that isn't appropriate for children" If there's alcohol being served, you can explain that's one of the reasons. Also, many venues simply won't allow children 12 and under because of issues with property damage. 

3. And for the co-worker's who want to bring dates or whatever, I really think you can straight throw down the expense card. They shouldn't be bringing a date unless it's their fiance. I didn't bring a date to my best friend's wedding, and I was a bridesmaid! Just say "We're so happy you're going to be able to join us on our special day. We're not able to have people bring guests because our arrangements for the day are for a pre-arranged number of people and we can't accomodate more than that. I'm so sorry if the invitation wasn't clear. Next time we have an event, if we can accomodate you and a guest we'll make sure to address it that way."