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Bridesmaid help.

I just found out one my bridesmaids, who has  cancer is getting worse.  I offered to go with her when she went to see the specialist yesterday, but she said she wanted to do it alone.  I was talking to her on FB this weekend, but I had to get off because I started crying.  I want to do something to help her out.  I have thought of talking up some Stoffers dinners, so if she doesn't feel like cooking, but I feel like I could do more.  I am at a lose here ladies, what can I do to help her and her DH out. 

Re: Bridesmaid help.

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    Wait, is that a sig quote or did you end this paragraph with the fact you fired her?
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    edited December 2010
    Oh wow this is terrible.

    Honestly - just be there for her.  She might be wanting to go alone because she either is too proud, or she just doesn't want you to see her at her worst.  I'd just tell her the offer is always on the table, though.  For that and anything else she needs.

    Stouffers meals are nice but you can also make homemade food that can be frozen she can just pop in the oven, too - those are a little more appetizing (haha) and are very nice too.

    I don't know what I would do, TBH.  This sounds really shitty, sorry that your friend is going through this.
    panther
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    I wouldn't do Stouffers, I mean I'll eat them occasionally, but they can be kind of depressing and not always that great-tasting. Do a GC to a delivery place or make frozen meals yourself.

    And just let her know if there's anything she or her H needs anytime, she should call you.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:70db463e-1120-41ff-a3c8-6eec79fadc12Post:e5be10cd-6484-479f-8113-22a640591183">Re: Bridesmaid help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wait, is that a sig quote or did you end this paragraph with the fact you fired her?
    Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

    ^
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    Stoffers dinners would be nice, but if you can, I sure she wold rather have something homemade.  If you can make something, then freeze it so she could heat it up later, those things can be a saving grace to someone who's sick.
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    anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2010
    Sorry about your friend.  You're heart certainly seems to be in the right place but please, don't be pushy.  Everyone deals with grief differently and she may need space.

    That being said, i think bringing some frozen home-cooked meals are a great idea.  Those Stouffer's ones have way too much sodium and other additives.  I can help you find recipes if you need them.   lots of casseroles work great for this.

    Most importantly i'd just say to be there for her when/if she needs another listening ear or shoulder to cry one.
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    Lasagna freezes well. Maybe make her one? And various other meals that can be frozen and reheated without tasting like donkey butt. That'd be thoughtful.
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    She can buy her own Stouffers dinners if she doesn't feel like cooking.  You could make her some freezable dinners if you really wanted to.  But perhaps she doesn't want people to treat her differently.  If it were me, I'd just sit down with her and say, "I want you to know that I love you and I'm here for you no matter what, please let me know if there's anything I can do--is there anything you need help with?"  And then if she insists she's fine doing her own thing, let that be it.  I'd maybe go over with some yummy treats and a movie or something to hang out and just make sure she knows you're there for her if she needs you without being overbearing or treating her like an invalid.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:70db463e-1120-41ff-a3c8-6eec79fadc12Post:55c7a7e5-1a57-4f70-a0d9-0ae8b486a20c">Bridesmaid help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just found out one my bridesmaids, who has  cancer is getting worse.  I offered to go with her when she went to see the specialist yesterday, but she said she wanted to do it alone.  I was talking to her on FB this weekend, but I had to get off because I started crying.  I want to do something to help her out.  I have thought of talking up some Stoffers dinners, so if she doesn't feel like cooking, but I feel like I could do more.  I am at a lose here ladies, what can I do to help her and her DH out. 
    Posted by mistydawn123[/QUOTE]
    When my friend was diagnosed with cancer she was put on a restricted diet.  I bought her a cookbook full of delicious ideas made with foods she could eat, and designed to help fight cancer.  Beyond that, you can't help if they don't want help.  Ask her what you can do, and if she gives you ideas, follow through, but don't force her to accept your help.
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    It is a quote.  Sorry bout that.  I would NEVER "fire" a bridesmaid because of her health concern.  Even if she can't be at the wedding she WILL still be a bridesmaid.  She is one of those friends you can count on through thick and thin and I am so worried about her.
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    edited December 2010
    I agree with those who suggested that the best thing you can do is to let her know you are there for her and let her decide when and how to use that help.

    Also, I would like to hear the story about the (hopefully) other fired BM.

    ETA: NM about the BM, posted at the same time.



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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:70db463e-1120-41ff-a3c8-6eec79fadc12Post:55c7a7e5-1a57-4f70-a0d9-0ae8b486a20c">Bridesmaid help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just found out one my bridesmaids, who has  cancer is getting worse.  I offered to go with her when she went to see the specialist yesterday, but she said she wanted to do it alone.  I was talking to her on FB this weekend, but I had to get off because I started crying.  I want to do something to help her out.  I have thought of talking up some <strong>Stoffers dinners, so</strong> if she doesn't feel like cooking, but I feel like I could do more.  I am at a lose here ladies, what can I do to help her and her DH out. 
    Posted by mistydawn123[/QUOTE]

    You could cook them some real food.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:70db463e-1120-41ff-a3c8-6eec79fadc12Post:7a9020ec-9da1-4f29-925f-598ff1ac5813">Re: Bridesmaid help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid help. : When my friend was diagnosed with cancer she was put on a restricted diet.  I bought her a cookbook full of delicious ideas made with foods she could eat, and designed to help fight cancer.  Beyond that, you can't help if they don't want help.  Ask her what you can do, and if she gives you ideas, follow through, but don't force her to accept your help.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.
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    I agree with J&K in that she may not want you to do anything. When I was going through my treatments, I didn't want anyone there with me. It's hard enough dealing with it just yourself, but sometimes (for some people, not everyone) it makes it 100 times harder when someone else is there, especially if they are a basket case. It made me worry more about having to take care of them, instead of myself.

    I think you should just tell her that you're here for her, and to let you know if there is anything you can do, and leave it at that. Or, just have a girl's night in. Watch movies, eat popcorn, have a good time together to get her mind off it.
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    I have no further advice than was already said, but I just want to add I hope everything goes well for your friend, and best wishes to her!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:70db463e-1120-41ff-a3c8-6eec79fadc12Post:072b8186-1143-481d-8863-6e31e46a0a4f">Re: Bridesmaid help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with J&K in that she may not want you to do anything. When I was going through my treatments, I didn't want anyone there with me. It's hard enough dealing with it just yourself, but sometimes (for some people, not everyone) it makes it 100 times harder when someone else is there, especially if they are a basket case. It made me worry more about having to take care of them, instead of myself.<strong> I think you should just tell her that you're here for her, and to let you know if there is anything you can do, and leave it at that. Or, just have a girl's night in. Watch movies, eat popcorn, have a good time together to get her mind off it.</strong>
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    I like this idea - and come to think of it, I think if I had a friend who was going through cancer treatments, I'd do something like make them a tie-blanket and compile them a scrapbook full of all our memories throughout the years.  Maybe if she doesn't want anyone to actually BE there during treatment, she might enjoy looking through it and remembering all the good times with her supportive friends in the past - it could give her a renewed sense to keep fighting and pushing on.

    I dunno.  I'm rambling again.
    panther
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    First, this sucks, for you both. Everyone has had great ideas. "Getting worse" can mean many things. Hopefully by now, she's shared with you the situation & the medical plan for moving forward.

    I know you may feel left out, but people really deal with this in their own ways. I had a mastectomy 5 years ago followed by 6 months of chemo. I asked only a couple of people for help mostly because I was so determined to keep things as "normal" as possible. My former M-i-L came to "help" but I was feeling well & wound up entertaining her. I appreciated the offer but not the "I wish you would have let me help more" at the end of the visit.
       A very kind neighbour went with me on the first day we switched chemo drugs, at the request of the nurses. (sometimes a switch yields unpredictable reactions). That was tremendously helpful. Other than that, I really needed very little help.
       Food was a weird issue: I went through spells of wanting only one thing all the time (like a sandwich of spinach, avocado & hard boiled egg on whole wheat bread) & had a lot of times whene things just tasted weird due to the chemo effects (tomato sauce tasted like time, for example). Depends on the drugs.

    Anyway, the point is not everyone needs the same things. I liked the suggestion of sitting down with her & saying "what do you need?" Keep in touch with her-maybe not every day but at least weekly. Humour is a wonderful weapon-movies, jokes, crazy hats-whatever you know will lift her spirits. Let us know how it goes...
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    The only thing that I would add would be to try to contain your tears to times where she isn't present.  It's very difficult to try to be strong in a situation like this while everyone around you is falling apart. 
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    I think the best things you can do in this situation is be a very good friend.  Like others have said, she may be trying to keep things as "normal" as possible.  Ask her to watch a movie, bring her food, be there for her, tell her jokes, confide in her, etc. 
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    K&J64K&J64 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2010
    Misty, is your friend undergoing chemo treatment, or is she going to start? If so a great thing you could make for her is actually beef stock. It's full of iron and protein and easy on the stomach and mouth (if she gets mouth sores). And it can be frozen. I can give you a recipe if you're interested.

    ETA: I'm sorry to hear she's getting more ill and wishing her a speedy full recovery!

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:70db463e-1120-41ff-a3c8-6eec79fadc12Post:c5517887-8764-4a28-8a3f-f1013c7623ea">Re: Bridesmaid help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the best things you can do in this situation is be a very good friend.  Like others have said, she may be trying to keep things as "normal" as possible.  Ask her to watch a movie, bring her food, be there for her, tell her jokes, confide in her, etc. 
    Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]


    Agreed.

    I'm sorry about your friend  :(
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:70db463e-1120-41ff-a3c8-6eec79fadc12Post:57d4d3ac-7d2e-4cc2-ba3b-b02241808e83">Re: Bridesmaid help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Misty, is your friend undergoing chemo treatment, or is she going to start? If so a great thing you could make for her is actually beef stock. It's full of iron and protein and easy on the stomach and mouth (if she gets mouth sores). And it can be frozen. I can give you a recipe if you're interested. ETA: I'm sorry to hear she's getting more ill and wishing her a speedy full recovery!
    Posted by kcullen37[/QUOTE]

    I just want to add that chemo can leave a metallic taste in the mouth so she may not be able to stomach red meat products. That is not with all pt's though.
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    I think the best thing you can do for her is to be there when she needs you. It's a really nice gesture to take her food, too. Homemade foods are the best, but you can also give her little packages of her favorite snacks and little goodies too. Ask her if she's up for lunch or a dinner, or if she wants to have a girls night in. Just make sure she knows you're there to support her. At the same time, you can't make it look like you are pitying her because that may make her uncomfortable. Just balance it out with what your instincts tell you. That's what I would do. I am so sorry about your friend, I hope she recovers quickly.
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    I knew someone who had breast cancer. Her lips were so chapped during treatment. She said the best gift anyione gave her was a high quality lip moisterizer because it made her feel so much better.
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    I agree with Tide.  It's not up to her to be strong all the time right now, that's why she's got such great friends around her to support her and be strong for her. 

    I think you're doing a great thing by wanting to help.  I know when I was at home for almost a month due to medical reasons, when people would drop food off, it was much appreciated.  Even if we did freeze it. It was nice for my fiance to be able to pop something in the oven or microwave and I didn't have to cook or worry about him having to cook. 

    IMO, listening to your friend might help uncover some needs.  Is she uncomfortable all the time? (maybe something little like fuzzy soft socks to make the uncomforable feeling not as crappy) Is she bored? (books, company, something to keep her mind busy) Does she need someone to come over and clean the house? (I had a friend do this, and as much as I said, no, you don't have to do that, it made a world of difference) Does she need to be left alone?  (you could suggest to her friends that she needs some space)

    Just some thoughts.   Everyone is different. 

    I agree that being the strong one and just letting her know that anything she needs, you're there for is a great first step. 

    Remember that not everyone is comfortable asking for help.  Know your friend and react accordingly. 

    Just my thoughts. 
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    This isn't really any advice, because you've gotten some great stuff already, but I have to say major kudos to you that your first thoughts during this is "what can I do to help" and not "OMG how is this going to affect my wedding??"  It's sad that I even have to give kudos to that, but without a doubt there are more than a few broads out there who would have rolled in with "what should I do if she can't be in my wedding?  Do I replace her?"
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