Snarky Brides

NWR: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.

Okay, I'm trying to figure out if I was wrong to say anything, so here's the backstory:

I gave a ton of clothes (two giant trash bags full) to a neighbor of mine with some shoes, let's call her Betty.  Today, I get on facebook and we are members of this local yard sale site where you can sale whatever you want via facebook.  I see the clothes I gave her on the site.  Now, the clothes I gave her aren't cheap (not that it makes a difference) and are still in style.  On the site she is selling the jeans I gave her @$20 ea., selling some sweaters at $15, shirts were $5-$10 and she is selling a couple of pairs of Vans and Uggs I gave her for $15-$40 bucks.

I text her this morning and asked if I could come over and talk with her.  She said she was busy just text her.  So, I text her and said, "Okay I was just going to say if you didn't like the clothes I gave you, or they are too small for your little one, in the future can I just get them back from you because I know other kids who can where them.  Now hard feelings, I didn't stipulate that when I gave them to you, I just figured if you weren't going to use them, you'd let me know."

She responds, "Are you F*CKING kidding me??? I didn't know there were rules on sh*t you gave people!  Just FYI, I was taking the money I made and putting it in a jar so that I could take my girls and your little one to chuck-e-cheese with it, I give tons of clothes to people all the time and if I can't use them, I always ask if they want them back.  I don't appreciate you accusing me of trying to make a profit off of free clothes.  I'll bring them all back to you.  Happy now?"

I reply, "This is why I would have rather done this in person.  I'm not mad, I just wanted to let you know that in the future, I would like to have the option of passing them on to others if you don't want them.  That's all I was saying.  I just thought that was the general rule of thumb with hand-me-downs, perhaps I was mistaken.  I didn't specify what I wanted you to do with the clothes because I figured your daughter would wear them because they should all fit her.  I was just kind of surprised you were trying to sell them without asking me.  It was just a misunderstanding, I didn't mean to offend you."

She answered back, "It's fine, I'll just make a note that any 'good dead' you do comes with stipulations.  Note to self.  I'm busy I have to go.  Take care."

I said, "Sorry for any hurt feelings, wasn't my intention, have a good day.  I hope we can talk more, it wasn't my intention to start an argument."

-Our kids play together all the time and we have come to be pretty good friends.  She has the tendency to be a hot head which is why I preferred talking with her in person.  I shouldn't have done it via text, that was my mistake.  Am I wrong for bringing it up?  Should I have just bit the bullet and not said anything and just not given her anymore clothes?  I'll admit, I was kind of upset.  If I wanted the clothes sold, I would have sold them.  I don't feel it's her place to sell them and decide what I want to do with the money (chuck-e-cheese).  Maybe I am being petty, I just know that with everyone else I have given hand me downs too, we ask each other if they want them back when they are outgrown, etc. etc.  I thought this was rule of thumb. 

Thanks for input!!!
*Edited to add NWR to title*Edit again: I gave them to her about 4 days before I saw them on facebook.  :) grrrrrr.

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June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

Re: NWR: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.

  • I think you meant well by giving her your clothes. I like to give clothes to people who NEED them. Exactly why I don’t donate to the goodwill or Salvation Army because they price them really expensive, I rather give them to someone I know will wear it and appreciate it.

    You did give them to her so she could do whatever she wants with it but I don’t think she should’ve listed it for sale; or not via FB at least. I think I would be more understanding if she NEEDED money but for Chuck E. Cheese? I think I would’ve been pretty upset too.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:55b90187-dd67-4b5b-a221-ddd237efe3c7">Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know of any unwritten rule that says hand me downs are supposed to be given back.  That being said, I can understand why you are bothered.  However, I would probably just let it go and make it a point not to give her any more clothing.
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

    Not necessarily "given back" but if my little one outgrows clothes, can't wear them, or I don't want the clothes from someone who gave them to us, I always ask them if they'd like them back or can I hand them on to someone else.  KWIM?  If her daughter had worn them maybe I'd feel differently but I just gave them to her.  She took them, and sold them.  I definitely would have asked in that situation if she wanted them back.  They are super nice clothes, I would have liked them to go to someone who needed them, not to someone who was going to profit on them. 

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    June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:74960bd6-b492-4a35-8064-df7ff2e00922">Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Unless you told her up front that you'd like anything back that she can't use, then I can see why she'd be annoyed that you said something.  Do I think it's tacky that she's turning around and selling it publicly via FB?  Absolutely.  I learned long ago that once you give something away, it's theirs to do with whatever they want.
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    I agree.  Which is why I told her I kind of expected that she would have returned them if she didn't want them, but I didn't say anything.  But in the future, I'd prefer she ask if I want them back first.  That's when she got p/o. I didn't say anything about the current clothes because I did give those to her.

    Maybe I'm more annoyed because we are friends and I just wouldn't expect a friend to do that.  Who does that???? I think it's really strange and tacky.

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    June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:94fd2630-0f53-4064-94fd-9fab27dbd06c">Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now. : I get it.  I totally do.  I just don't think there's anything you can do about it now except not give her anything anymore.
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

    Yeah exactly.  Now I feel stupid for saying anything, I shouldn't have even said, "hey in the future, don't sell stuff, give it back." I should have just left it alone and not given her anything else.  Now I have a mad neighbor who has a tendency to be irrational. Now I get to deal with that.

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    June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

  • When did you give her the clothes?  If it was a few months ago, and then she was selling, well I'd be inclined to believe that it was innocent and NBD.

    But if you gave them to her last week, and she's selling them this week, I think that's pretty shitty.  I just can't imagine someone giving me a bunch of free stuff for my own use and then turning around and selling it to make a profit.  WTF?

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  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2012
    I don't believe her when she says that she was putting the money in a jar to take her kids and yours to Chuck E. Cheese.  That is the kind of thing that manipulative people say when they are backed into a corner or when they feel threatened to make themselves the victim and to make you feel bad.  I agree that it would have been better not to say anything, but I understand why you would.  She sucks.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:9226de86-d163-40a6-a435-4bdf27438de7">Re: NWR: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]When did you give her the clothes?  If it was a few months ago, and then she was selling, well I'd be inclined to believe that it was innocent and NBD. But if you gave them to her last week, and she's selling them this week, I think that's pretty shitty.  <strong>I just can't imagine someone giving me a bunch of free stuff for my own use and then turning around and selling it to make a profit.  WTF?</strong>
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, this sounds odd to me as well. And who needs to sell clothes that were given to them to go to Chuck E Cheese. My thought is she didnt expect you to be upset about and made up an excuse. That being said you gave them to her, and once you give something it is theirs to do with as they please.

    I have always given my sons clothes away, and left it at that. And I tell them if you cant use them, pass them on.

    As for PP's comment, you do realize Goodwill and Salvation Army sells their merchandise, not specifically to "poor"people. Its sold to make money that run programs for people in need and gives disabled people jobs.
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  • freebread03freebread03 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:36cca762-6687-4f3f-b320-5fc8f4e4f687">Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you meant well by giving her your clothes. I like to give clothes to people who NEED them. <strong>Exactly why I don’t donate to the goodwill or Salvation Army because they price them really expensive, I rather give them to someone I know will wear it and appreciate it.</strong> You did give them to her so she could do whatever she wants with it but I don’t think she should’ve listed it for sale; or not via FB at least. I think I would be more understanding if she NEEDED money but for Chuck E. Cheese? I think I would’ve been pretty upset too.
    Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think you are confused as to the purpose of Goodwill and Salvation Army sell the clothes in order to fund programs such as job training, food distribution, etc.  Their primary purpose isn't to clothe people who can't afford clothes; they're funding actual programs through the sale of clothes and other goods.  </div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I'd be super annoyed at your neighbor for that.  But once given, they really are no longer yours to decide what to do with...but if her daughter NEVER used them, it would have been considerate of her to ask if you wanted them back.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:db611b91-fedb-46da-929f-b3dad1819d5c">Re: NWR: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I don't believe her when she says that she was putting the money in a jar to take her kids and yours to Chuck E. Cheese.  That is the kind of thing that manipulative people say when they are backed into a corner or when they feel threatened to make themselves the victim and to make you feel bad.</strong>  I agree that it would have been better not to say anything, but I understand why you would.  She sucks.
    Posted by Rochelle041[/QUOTE]
    I had the same exact thought!

    Yeah, you shouldn't have said anything, but she totally overreacted. Lesson learned, for sure.

    There are plenty of other places you can donate the clothing to next time. You should also look into your own school district for clothing drives.
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  • I know the party line is, "Once you give something away, yadda yadda yadda" but as someone who trades clothes all the time, I'd be pissed.  It's one thing to give something away on CL and find it being re-sold, but to give it to a "friend" and watch them turn around and make profit on the stuff you just gave them?  Hell no.  I would have been pissed, and I would have told her so.  And, also, I probably wouldn't be friends with her after a stunt like that. 
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  • I do agree that without an agreement to return whatever she didn't want/use they're hers to do with as she pleases, but I'd definitely be upset that she was selling them right under my nose in a neighborhood sale.  And I don't believe the Chuck E Cheese bit, either.

    Oh, and I occasionally shop at the Salvation Army store.  We have a few that are really nice stores, and have decent, inexpensive merchandise.  They don't give the clothes away to poor people.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:142a29d8-20c8-4b96-9e05-07c60c2c4c19">Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now. : I think you are confused as to the purpose of Goodwill and Salvation Army sell the clothes in order to fund programs such as job training, food distribution, etc.  Their primary purpose isn't to clothe people who can't afford clothes; they're funding actual programs through the sale of clothes and other goods.   OP, I'd be super annoyed at your neighbor for that.  But once given, they really are no longer yours to decide what to do with...but if her daughter NEVER used them, it would have been considerate of her to ask if you wanted them back.
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

    I know the purpose of reselling, but i mean if people are buying at consignment stores is because they cannot afford to purchase at regular pricesand i feel these stores take advantage of people in need with their prices. A regular top at a consigment store is $5, well at least in my area. WTH. Maybe i'm a penny pincher but I shop at outlet malls and can find so much good stuff for the same price they sell for.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:71b7aa9f-53b8-4d90-91d9-9aaf4dc37e57">Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now. : I know the purpose of reselling, but i mean if people are buying at consignment stores is because they cannot afford to purchase at regular pricesand i feel these stores take advantage of people in need with their prices. A regular top at a consigment store is $5, well at least in my area. WTH. Maybe i'm a penny pincher but I shop at outlet malls and can find so much good stuff for the same price they sell for.
    Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ah I see what you're saying.  So, a consignment shop is actually a store that sells clothes for other people. I.e., if I have clothes I want to sell, I take them to a consignment shop, and they resell them, and I get a portion of the profit when they sell (something like 25-40%).  I've found some great finds at Goodwill-the thing is, a pair of Citizens of Humanity jeans are going to be priced the same as Old Navy or Levis at Goodwill or Salvation Army...so it's more about finding the right brand-THAT'S when you get a good deal.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm always looking for a good deal-for me, finding a top for $5 anywhere would be amazing :)</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:dd5d3c89-4b83-4065-9f8b-80f980705fe0">Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now. : Ah I see what you're saying.  So, a consignment shop is actually a store that sells clothes for other people. I.e., if I have clothes I want to sell, I take them to a consignment shop, and they resell them, and I get a portion of the profit when they sell (something like 25-40%).  I've found some great finds at Goodwill-the thing is, a pair of Citizens of Humanity jeans are going to be priced the same as Old Navy or Levis at Goodwill or Salvation Army...<strong>so it's more about finding the right brand-THAT'S when you get a good deal.</strong> I'm always looking for a good deal-for me, finding a top for $5 anywhere would be amazing :)
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]
    This exactly. My friend found a cashmere sweater that's brand would have gone for well over $50 in the store. She found it at a thrift store with the tags still on for less than $10.
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  • bottom line here...u did something good and she is being a complete b**ch, forget her!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:4e474d89-c8ad-4f2e-af29-64543ff2f816">Re: NWR: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know the party line is, "Once you give something away, yadda yadda yadda" but as someone who trades clothes all the time, I'd be pissed.  It's one thing to give something away on CL and find it being re-sold, but to give it to a "friend" and watch them turn around and make profit on the stuff you just gave them?  Hell no.  I would have been pissed, and I would have told her so.  And, also, I probably wouldn't be friends with her after a stunt like that. 
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    Yup.  I'm finding it really hard to believe that no one else here would be pissed off about it.  I would.  What she did was shittttty.

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  • I would be angry as well. You shouldn't have to tell a friend, IMO, "Hey I'm giving you these clothes for your kid to wear; please don't sell them." I would never dream of taking something a friend gave me as a hand-me-down and immediately turning around to sell it and make a profit off of it. If I knew I wouldn't use it, I'd tell them up front so they could give it to someone else. Now if her kid wore it for a year and then outgrew it, I could see either handing it on or trying to sell it. In that scenario, I don't think I'd be mad. She got her use out of it and what she did when she could no longer use it is up to her. But immediately after getting it? Nope. Not gonna fly.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:203ee502-a441-4f53-b02b-955ef0d440fe">Re: NWR: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now. : Yup.  I'm finding it really hard to believe that no one else here would be pissed off about it.  I would.  What she did was shittttty.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    Oh, I would be pissed as well. And believe she'd never get anything from me again. I couldnt trust someone after that.
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  • I'd also be insanely pissed. That's straight up shitty of her and her excuse is not something I'd ever buy into. Whenever someone tries to give me a hand me down I'm up front with them if it's something I won't wear or use. I would have definitely brought it up too. She better give you a day and time she plans to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese. I'd hold her to that hard
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_hand-me-down-dilemma-neighbor-is-mad-at-me-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8b677c89-6153-46c6-90c7-29fab8ed342dPost:f4de76e2-86be-4a1d-82e3-9f844f831207">Re: NWR: Hand-me-down dilemma. Neighbor is mad at me now.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd also be insanely pissed. That's straight up shitty of her and her excuse is not something I'd ever buy into. Whenever someone tries to give me a hand me down I'm up front with them if it's something I won't wear or use. I would have definitely brought it up too. She better give you a day and time she plans to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese. I'd hold her to that hard . 
    Posted by cnf2013[/QUOTE]

    Eh, I have no desire to go to chuck-e-cheese with her.  ;) Lesson learned.  I still wish I hadn't said anything, but it is what it is.  My irritation got the best of me.  Thanks for validating my p/o -ness.  For a minute I thought, "okay....maybe people do this all the time and I'm the weird one..." looks like maybe not.

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    June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

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