Family Drama/WWYD?

impslave

CN:  Granddad is in a physical rehab center after a fall last Friday.  He will be in until next Monday and is doing well.  Months ago, DH and I planned a weekend away that starts this Thursday.  Since Granddad is doing well and won't be discharged until Monday, we were still planning to go out of town.  My mom is laying on the guilt for going.

Long version:  Months ago, DH was able to get tickets to Blizzcon in Anaheim, we plan to drive from Vegas to Anaheim on Thursday and be back on Sunday.  Last Friday, my granddad had a bad fall and was hospitalized.  Thankfully, his only real injury was a small fracture of the bone under his eye.  Yesterday, he was transferred to a physical rehab facility where they will teach him to use a walker and gives us time to work on getting him a day companion.  Granddad is 84, he lives with my mom, but is alone during the day.  This was his first accident like this.

When I first asked my mom if I should not go away for the weekend, she said everything would be fine, she and my aunt can take care of things.  This morning, however, she hit me with, "It's not worth making long-term plans, since you never know what will happen."  Now I feel like total selfish bitch crap.

DH has been looking forward to this for months, we paid $300 for the tickets and have already promised to split hotel room costs with a friend.  I know he wouldn't hold it against me if we stayed, but I know he'll be disappointed.  He was so strong for me this past weekend as we were in and out of the hospital.  The money isn't that much of an issue, but I can't help thinking it sucks to have to eat that cost.

My mom and I have had huge fights because she gets too clingy on me.  It happened when I left for college, it happened when I left California, and it happened when I moved in with DH.  Now I feel like she is trying to make me choose between my husband and my family.

Bottom line - on a rational level, I know my granddad is in good hands and there's not much we can do on such short notice to get him medical equipment, etc.  It's going to take time and my being gone for two days isn't going to have a negative impact.  But now, I'm having fears of something going wrong if I go out of town.

I'm torn between telling DH we're not going and caving in to my mother, or going and getting grief from my mother that I'm turning my back on my family because DH wants me to.

Advice?

zippityb

I would just say, "granddad would want us to go enjoy ourselves and not worry." Cause grandparents are all about smiles and laughter of grandchildren. It's like their crack. That and all those awesome pills they get to take.

ohwhynot

Go.  Have fun.  What would your grandpa want you to do? 

I've faced this issue with my aging mother (my dad died this last spring) and my MIL.  I've dealt with the guilt when my father died.  It's difficult, but at some point, we bury our parents and grandparents.  That's the circle of life and while it is painful and horrible to say goodbye, it's the natural way of things. 

This is going to sound harsh, but I don't mean it that way:  at some point, you will have seen/visited/talked with your loved one for the last time.  No one knows when that point is (usually), and it doesn't make sense to live life in constant anticipation of that moment. 

When the time comes, you'll always be able to say "Oh, I should have gone to see him again" or "I should have called again" - but it wouldn't have made a difference and even if you had made that trip or that phone call, chances are you could have made another one still, and if you had made that other one, chances are you could have made yet another one. 

See where I'm going with this?  It's an impossible task and it doesn't make sense to beat yourself up over what may have been.   Of course, if your grandpa were in the process of dying and you had a chance to say goodbye, that's different.  But that is NOT the case here.   We can only do our best with the knowledge we have and in this situation, it seems silly not to go. 

TheCranberry

It's probably okay for you to go.  It's only for a few days, and grandad has people who can look out for him while you're gone.

Why couldn't your husband go to the event without you?

alainn15

I say go. You sound like you need the time to have fun after all of the stress of the past weekend. If you truly know granddad will be fine then there is no reason for your mom to make you feel bad about having a life.

ichellemay1

I would definitely go.  As PP said - Grandpa is being well-taken care of and there isn't anything else you can do.  See him before you go and when you get back if you can. 

JenGin74

I say go.

 Whenever your mom tries the guilt trip thing with you just be firm with her and tell her that you're an adult and can make your own decisions. Let her also know that if she continues to try to manipulate you, that you'll limit your contact with her.

Sometimes you have to go with the tough love.

sister2groom

Maybe you can do some extra errands in the next few days to make the weekend easier on them, I don't know, prepare meals, clean, flowers for you mom and grandfather, etc.

impslave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_family-dramawwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:973d3928-6321-42f3-8565-894246b9c601Post:c9c2e152-b46a-44e3-a968-e09bb646f770">Re: Family Drama/WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's probably okay for you to go.  It's only for a few days, and grandad has people who can look out for him while you're gone. Why couldn't your husband go to the event without you?
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><div>When we were trying to get tickets and we thought we would only get one, he said he wouldn't go without me *insert "awwww"*</div><div>
</div><div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">I just got off the phone with DH and he suggested that we stop by the rehab facility and visit Granddad on Thursday before we hit the highway.  I also plan to call him several times and bring him back a souvenir.<div>
</div><div>Right now, I'm pissed at my mom for dumping me into the guilt tank.  But I'm just as much to blame because I've been letting her do this to me since, oh, I was a fetus.  My problem is that I'm too diplomatic and non-confrontational (read: doormat) when it comes to her.  It's got to stop, and I guess there's no better time than the present.</div><div>
</div><div>Many thanks, ladies!  I knew that I would find a refuge of rationality here :D</div></div></div></div>

SEWF

It also sounds like your mom feels guilty about what happened, and she's pushing it on to you. 

I think you have the right idea, though. Just visit him before you leave, and bring him a gift. He'll have plenty of people to take care of him, and he'd probably be mad to know that you let money go to waste if you didn't go.

arv266

I also say go.

You'e grandfather is obviously very important in your life, but equally important is your H.  It's very easy to get trapped in the family guilt, but you need to create a balance of doing what is best for your "old" family and what is best for your "new" family.  Sometimes your H needs to come first, and that's alright. 

Istremene

My vote is go.  Grandad will be busy and well cared for while you are gone.  A pre-trip visit should help as will a souvenir.  Sucks your mom would try to take back the stamp of aproval to go though.