annoying future mother in-law.. help!

lilcassers

Should I let all of the snarky comments my future monther in-law is making, bother me? She is irritated that I only want 1 shower and she wants to throw me a second one. She is also irritated that I am not inviting her to my bachelorette. I just want it to be for my friends and I. My own mom isn't even coming.

My fiance says I need to let things go and not get so stressed, but thats easy for him to say because all the comments are directed towards me and not him. It also makes me angry because then I feel like he is not standing up for me if he just wants me to "suck it up" and let it go. So irritated...

How do you ladies handle these situations?

Has anyone had a fiance that feels the same way mine does?

Sing2phins

I think it's weird that she wants to come to your bachelorette party to begin with.  Have you made it clear that it's a girls' night thing (assuming it is)? 

As for the showers, if she's dying to do it, what's the harm, really?  I understand that you're frustrated, but you've got to pick your battles.

lilcassers

Thanks Sing. In her family, the moms always tag along. She is a loud, abnoxoious personality who feels that she needs to be involved in everything... quite annoying, it is Yes I have told her friends only and she was like "uh, I can't believe it!"

I think my mom has pretty much persuaded her into just being a part of the one shower but I am still frustrated with all of her comments.

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-future-mother-law-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:98e3d797-0d38-41d3-95eb-6304cbdb8506Post:f17e1338-2822-4233-ac2b-7abeaf2809ae">annoying future mother in-law.. help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Should I let all of the snarky comments my future monther in-law is making, bother me? She is irritated that I only want 1 shower and she wants to throw me a second one. She is also irritated that I am not inviting her to my bachelorette. I just want it to be for my friends and I. My own mom isn't even coming. My fiance says I need to let things go and not get so stressed, but thats easy for him to say because all the comments are directed towards me and not him.<strong> It also makes me angry because then I feel like he is not standing up for me if he just wants me to "suck it up" and let it go.</strong> So irritated... How do you ladies handle these situations? Has anyone had a fiance that feels the same way mine does?
Posted by lilcassers[/QUOTE]

This is something you guys need to talk about and work on, and then keep working on. If you want to survive you need to learn to work as a couple and be a unit if parents start annoying one or the other. It only gets worse when you start throwing in houses and kids.

That being said, I do think you need to let these go. If she really really REALLY wants to throw you a second shower then let her. Is having only one really worth the potential drama and hurt feelings? Have you explained to her why you just want one and maybe seen if she could help with the preparations for it?

I think may mothers want to attend b-parties. I know both of mine wanted to go to mine. I explained to my mom, and H to his mom, why it was preferred for them to not be there and they were both ok with it in the end. She is probably just really excited and wanting to be helpful.

lilcassers

thanks katie. yea my mom is including her in on preparations for the shower.

katiewhompus

That should help smooth some things over then

My exbf's mom used to be like that. I just got to the point where I would limit the time I spent with her. For holidays I would go over just enough to be polite then come up with some excuse to leave. If she ever ragged on me about something I would just smile, thank her for her comment and leave. This meant either her son would leave early with me or she would have to drive him home later.

Passive aggressive sure, but it made my life much easier lol.

lilcassers

Yes it is getting to the point where I dred going over there. My FI and I dated for 6 years before we got engaged, and I always liked her. Man, weddings really bring out the irritating parts of people! She better not be super annoying when I have kids!

kimmieniesink

Hah... good luck with that cassers. my FMIL is already telling me what she is going to dress MY children in... funny as I don't have any yet and not planning on it for a few years.
I am totally in the same situation, she needs to put her two cents in on everything, and hers is the only opinion that matters and that she will listen to. I feel your pain!

katiewhompus

Mine was ok for the wedding, but got a little, um, opinionated, when we were out looking at houses. We would take her or my parents along (she was bored, they knew what to look for maintenance wise) and I think she forgot that H and I were living in the house and not her. Even now on occasion I hear about a decorating option that she wouldn't have made, or how I need to cut down the big oak in the backyard because it is dead. It's mostly dead sure, after last summer everything is, but the oak is at least 20 years old so I'm sure with a little winter water it will come back.

I don't even want to think about how things will be when we have kids. Luckily my sil is incredibly smart and her motto with kids is "Kristi is the mom, she makes the decisions, we smile and nod." We've already had akward moments around "And when we have the baptism blah blah blah". Um..not happening.

lilcassers

kimmie- thanks for sharing. so then from our standpoint, do you expect your hubby to stand up for you? I can handle myself but I guess I just wish he would tell her to shut up every now and again...

lilcassers

katie-- exactly. I am sick of hearing "you should do this, thats what WE do" well sorry but... I am not jewish like you so I don't have to follow those traditions!

her family looked at me like I had 2 heads when I said I only want one shower. To me, 2 are a waste of time and money and I will be studying for finals and packing to move the whole 1-2 months before our wedding. I really don't want to devote another sunday to a shower when I can just have everyone come together all at once.

katiewhompus

I used the classic "Thanks for that idea, we'll take it into consideration" a lot. It's an oldie but a goodie.

lilcassers

I can't say that to "well if I am not invited to your bachelorette party then I will just crash it with my friend"

omg I wanted to scream!!

lol... *deep breath*

katiewhompus

Gotta love that mentality. Would it be possible to just pick up and leave if she does happen to show up, or have it at a private residence/room/whatever? If you really hate her you could start talking about how your fi (aka her son) likes it doggie style That might encourage her to leave.

lilcassers

bahahahaha!

I could always tell them limo driver to take us somewhere else if she came, but that would be childish and probably piss off my fiances sisters if I did that. I just hope she wasn't serious..

andamu

What about having dinner out with your friends and the moms first and then heading out with just friends afterwards?  That way MIL feels included in at least some of the fun.

(I don't have a ton of other advice on this one ... my FMIL may not even know about bach parties, and she thinks towels are too intimate of a thing to put on our registry.  So.)

marissa_claire

I just had this conversation with FI this week.  His sister bullies me a lot - tries to get me to do things I'm not in the mood for, tries to practically shove drinks down my throat.

We had a family thing this weekend that she's in town for, and I was like, please... just back me up here.  There's times I tell his sis no (no to a beer, no to going out with her friends, etc.) and she literally does not take no for an answer from me.  I just told him, It would be nice if, in the future, you could say 'Hey, Marissa doesn't feel like it" instead of letting your sister keep insisting that I ... such and such.

lilcassers

Marissa,

Yea I try that sometimes. I am a therapist so I definately know how to use certain verbage when talking with him... the trick is if the FI chooses to listen or not. Ugh, men are so stubborn sometimes.

and dang, that is ridiculous that they force you to drink. how stupid!

JennaV26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-future-mother-law-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:98e3d797-0d38-41d3-95eb-6304cbdb8506Post:6d696ef4-c0d0-41fa-8a6c-052740caa84f">Re: annoying future mother in-law.. help!</a>:
[QUOTE]kimmie- thanks for sharing. so then from our standpoint, do you expect your hubby to stand up for you? I can handle myself but I guess I just wish he would tell her to shut up every now and again...
Posted by lilcassers[/QUOTE]

DH and I have definitely had this issue. He isn't accustomed to standing up to his parents, he's one of those people who tries to ignore situations if he thinks he can. I definitely understand your frustration.

The truth is that my situation got a lot better for a few various reasons. Number 1 being that we moved away from his parents. Now I am able to limit my contact with them substantially so I am more likely to enjoy the time I do spend with them and if they do happen to frustrate me over the phone I can just hang up.

Also, our situation got a lot better after the wedding. Once the added stress and pressure was gone things seemed to relax a bit with the ILs. There have been a few situations in which my MIL has tried to overstep the boundaries but I've made it very clear who is in charge now. Do I wish DH would stand up to his parents more when they upset me? Yes. But things have gotten much better.

Sometimes i get frustrated because my dad doesn't really stand up to his mom either and I see situations where it really upsets my mom. Sometimes I don't think men understand the severity certain situations. I've come to realize that for <em>minor </em>situations, I'm fine standing up for myself, but if something major ever happens or they really overstep their boundaries, I will make sure DH does the handling.

ETA: I just realized how many times I wrote "situations." Wow. I have got to increase my vocabulary!!

cm42878

I think you should pick your battles, MIL are not the devil and I think alot of the times they feel a little left out when it is there son getting married. My FMIL has three children, her only daughter got married at the court house 1000 miles away with just her and FBIL, her other son got married in the mormon temple and we were not allowed to attend. So FI will be the first of her children she will be able to see get married. Her and I have not always gotten along and had many problems in the past. But I know this is as big of a deal for her as it is my family and I try to remember that. I call her about every two weeks and talk to her about recent wedding plans. At this time she always gives me lots of random advice, none of which I plan on taking. But I never tell her this because I do not want to hurt her feelings and i want her to feel as involved as my mom  is.

If I were you I would let FMIL throw you a shower. It is not going to cost you anything and she obviously knew it would cost money before she volunteered or offered to throw you one and she obviously didnt mind. I am sure you will be busy the 1-2 months before the shower but maybe you could do it at 2 and a half months out, if not showers dont last all day, just a few hours. Throw FMIL a bone, let her feel a part of some of the planning.

If the bach party is the main thing than I would be more adamant about that and her not attending. maybe if you compromise she will be easier and more obliging on the party.