NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this

AJPretty

This is my first post on this board, but I thought it may be a good place to release this vent. I am 23, FI is 25, and neither of us want kids. Neither of us have ever wanted kids, it was one of those things that we discovered we had in common after we started dating. Its not that we hate children, its just not in the plans for us.

Anytime someone asks us when we are going to start having kids and we say we aren't, they look at us like we murdered someone. We hear all the time, you'll regret it, or you'll be lonely if you don't have kids, or once you get to be old you're going to wish you had kids and grandkids. Everyone (with the exception of very very few people who just let it go or understand) tells us we'll change our minds and that its a bad decision.

I hate it! I understand why people want to have kids, and I would never say anything negative to someone who does want them just because its not what I want, but I don't feel like most people who want kids understand why we don't.

Is it really such a crime to just be the cool aunt or uncle without any kids of your own? I mean, seriously, I wish people would leave us alone about it!

Thank you for listening to my vent, just needed to get this off my chest since it seems to have gotten worse with the upcoming wedding.

[Deleted User]

To be honest, I think it's just a really common question to ask someone who is about to get married. I didn't realize that it bugged people so much until I started posting on TK. I'm thankful that TK has made me aware of the fact that it bothers some people, but really they mean no harm. I sincerely doubt that anyone thinks you're evil for not wanting kids.

J&K10910

Hi, friend, welcome to my world.

The number one reason people give us for needing to have kids is "Who is going to take care of you when you're old?!?!?!"  So I should procreate just so there's someone to take care of me?  What if my kid ends up hating me?  Or moves across the country?  Then I'm still screwed.

Number 2 reason?  "But everyone has kids.  It's just what people do!"  Also an awesome, awesome reason.  I think the fact that it's the social norm to get married and have babies and so many people do it JUST BECAUSE it's what people do makes me even more anti baby.

So....I feel your pain.  FI and I are both only children too, so we get mega guilt tripped about it.

[Deleted User]

It never ends. No matter what you say, it never ends. People seem to think that EVERYONE has to have kids, because, you know, there's a shortage of people in this world. I don't mind that people ask if/when we're having them, but I get extremely pissed off when they push.

I've found that people either don't care about or don't accept my answers. I've gotten the "you'll change your mind!" "But who will take care of you?" "But kids are the greatest joy in life" speech a hundred times. When I tell people I'm too selfish to want kids, they laugh and say I'm not. Really? You want me to have a kid and prove I don't want it then?

I've taken to telling people "I can't have kids because I had cervical cancer and they had to remove too much of my cervix. But thanks for reminding me of that horrible time in my life." It's partly true, and it shuts them up every time.

Oddly enough, the only person who supports us 100% in not having any is a woman who has a kid.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:7d1dba6f-f8fe-4e94-a181-8fc283c07c6e">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, I think it's just a really common question to ask someone who is about to get married. I didn't realize that it bugged people so much until I started posting on TK. I'm thankful that TK has made me aware of the fact that it bothers some people, but really they mean no harm. I sincerely doubt that anyone thinks you're evil for not wanting kids.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

It's not so much the people asking "When are yougoing to have kids?!" (though that does get annoying).  It's the ones that follow up "We don't want any" with "ZOMG NO WAY YOU'RE CRAZY YOU'LL REGRET IT YOU'LL  CHANGE YOUR MIND WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DECREPIT ZOOOOMMMGGGG CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY!!!!!!!!"

Celles

I didn't think I wanted children when I was 23.  Now I'm 28, and -- lo and behold! -- I changed my mind. 

Don't get me wrong: I think that anyone who is asking you -- let alone harassing you -- about your plans to spawn or not-spawn is nosy and deserves a kick in the shin.  You definitely do not need to be harangued by people who think they know what you want better than you do!  But, hey.  You're young.  You could change your mind.  People older than you are going to recognize that and may react with skepticism when you respond to their less-than-appropriate inquisitiveness with an unequivocal no.

Five years ago -- heck, six months ago! -- I could have written this post.  Then biology kicked in... and believe me, I'm not happy about it.  Children were NOT in my 20 year plan.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:cefc8f53-2910-4611-8bf6-f7f4b69704e8">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : It's not so much the people asking "When are yougoing to have kids?!" (though that does get annoying).  It's the ones that follow up "We don't want any" with "ZOMG NO WAY YOU'RE CRAZY YOU'LL REGRET IT YOU'LL  CHANGE YOUR MIND WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DECREPIT ZOOOOMMMGGGG CRIME OF HUMANITY!!!!!!!!"
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Exactly.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:cefc8f53-2910-4611-8bf6-f7f4b69704e8">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : It's not so much the people asking "When are yougoing to have kids?!" (though that does get annoying).  It's the ones that follow up "We don't want any" with "ZOMG NO WAY YOU'RE CRAZY YOU'LL REGRET IT YOU'LL  CHANGE YOUR MIND WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DECREPIT ZOOOOMMMGGGG CRIME OF HUMANITY!!!!!!!!"
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Well, that's just crazy. People like that deserve gigantic junkpunches.

tiffersnc

FI and I also have this problem. We try to skirt it when we're asked, (e.g., "Oh, IF we have kids, it'll be at least five to ten years.") but we'd be pretty pumped to be a fun aunt/uncle to my bro's kids and spoil them rotten. My aunt never had kids and I loved feeling like I had TWO homes - one with my parents and one with her. There is nothing wrong with not having kids. 

FI and I also get the side-eye when we say, "IF we decide to have kids, we'll probably adopt." We don't feel the need to pass on our genes. If we eventually find that need, that's fine, whatever. But if we have a desire for kids without having to go through that whole giving birth thing, we're both down for it. 

I don't ever tell people this IRL, but realistically I think the weight gain would be unbearable for me. I fought an eating disorder for a few years and just don't know if I'm strong enough to be healthy through a pregnancy. The most unfair thing I could ever do is try to bring a child into the world and not take care of it during the nine months it (arguably) depends on me most.

Anyway. Sorry for babbling. All that to say I agree with you. It's fine to not have kids. People just assume everyone wants them. You're not weird. Maybe you will change your mind, but maybe you won't. And either way, it'll be the right choice for you. That, friend, is what matters.

betrothed123

Celles,

Of course us youngin's could change our minds, but the fact that it seems some people expect that we will, or just assume that the only reason we don't want kids is that we're young is just ridiculous. 

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:2e55dfde-4a45-4815-831d-c98e16181f1e">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : Well, that's just crazy. People like that deserve gigantic junkpunches.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

Some of them even do it while jumping up and down and fistpumping in your face.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:fd9dbba8-f17b-405c-9878-82fdace3d4f4">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]Celles, Of course us youngin's could change our minds, but the fact that it seems some people expect that we will, or just assume that the only reason we don't want kids is that we're young is just ridiculous. 
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

This.

kd.joseph

Our dear friends just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, they have been happily childless through all these years. It wasn't for them, and they made this decision before they got married.

It isn't for everyone, and some people that have them shouldn't. I think some people assume we are all here to procreate. I beg to differ. And if you are happy with your decision good for you! And you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:0c60c097-93db-4c87-942c-4c607080c050">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : Some of them even do it while jumping up and down and fistpumping in your face.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Those must be robots. Only a robot would do some asinine shiit like that.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:3bc10475-04af-4d65-bc6d-7fbb0af025c4">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : Those must be robots. Only a robot would do some asinine shiit like that.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

Well, this might be true, if they're robots that don't short circuit when you dump your beer on them.

AJPretty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:6ee5d341-3f5c-452f-8b23-367702708e45">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't think I wanted children when I was 23.  Now I'm 28, and -- lo and behold! -- I changed my mind.  Don't get me wrong: I think that anyone who is asking you -- let alone harassing you -- about your plans to spawn or not-spawn is nosy and deserves a kick in the shin.  You definitely do not need to be harangued by people who think they know what you want better than you do!  But, hey.  You're young.  You  could change your mind.  People older than you are going to recognize that and may react with skepticism when you respond to their less-than-appropriate inquisitiveness with an unequivocal no. Five years ago -- heck, six months ago! -- I could have written this post.  Then biology kicked in... and believe me, I'm not happy about it.  Children were NOT in my 20 year plan.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

My FI and I have told each other if we ever change our minds that we'll tell the other and talk through it, we just don't really see that happening. Its possibly we could change our minds, but not probable.  I don't get so mad when people ask, or even if they say a simple you never know, you may change your mind - its when they go on and on that I just want to tape over their mouth.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one out there who deals with this! Thanks for the support everyone!

reddy123

I hate the response of a scoff and "We'll see."

But really, if you keep sticking to your guns, the questions wear off in about 5-10 years. Then, I hear, they start up again around 40. I am enjoying the no-questions phase right now. Everyone in the whole family knows my stance.  

We'll see how my wedding goes, I'm sure I'll get a dozen there, but that's a normal question for some to ask a newlywed, I'm not a bitch about it, just firm in my decision. 

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:fd9dbba8-f17b-405c-9878-82fdace3d4f4">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]Celles, Of course us youngin's could change our minds, but the fact that it seems some people expect that we will, or just assume that the only reason we don't want kids is that we're young is just ridiculous. 
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

Oh, I agree!

But at the same time, seeing a young 20-something declare that she absolutely does not want children and <em>could not possibly change her mind</em>...  well, that last bit gets a *head pat* from me.  ;) 

I definitely don't expect anyone to change her mind simply because I did -- but I also don't see how anyone that young can be that adament that she won't change her mind, either.  Hopefully, that makes sense.  I don't condone the pushiness or negativity at all; I just understand why some people respond with skepticism (although not so much to not wanting children, but to being unwilling to acknowledge that you <em>could</em> change your mind at some point in the future).

kd.joseph

I'd just stick with that adorable puppy!


As adults with grown children, I can tell you my DH and I enjoy our freedom. We can pick up and go anytime we want. Our pets are our children.

I think some people think you are going to miss out on something if you don't,and then you get older and have regrets.

ETA: by the way this is coming from someone who had her tubes tied as soon as she had her one and only son (alone), I was constantly asked, what if you meet someone that wants kids? My answer: Let them have them.

Lenore2010

When I was 14, I said I did not want kids and my SIL had a fit. When I said it in my 20's, people said patronizing crap to me like " Oh, you will change your mind a lot of people say that". 

When I got married at 44 to a 59 year old man, YUP, you got it a few crazy people asked me if we planned to try for a child. One even told me they could do amazing things with fertility issues these days.

No, I am not kidding.

Welcome to the life of the childless by choice.

J&K10910

Hey, AJ, how old is that adorable puppy and what is his/her name?

betrothed123

I do agree there, Celles.  I'm one of those people that's adamant about not having any, but I do also recognize that people change, and I am a person so who knows what I might want down the road.

Lisa8888

People are just rude trying to push their ideas on you. Its unfortunate but it probably will continue. You just have to try your best to deal with it and cut people off. You don't have to justify to these people your decision. Tell them its none of their business.

J&K10910

Don't lie, Betrothed.  We all know you're a cyborg.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:751d69d3-657d-4e90-b615-384cfe0d44fc">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this : Oh, I agree! But at the same time, seeing a young 20-something declare that she absolutely does not want children and could not possibly change her mind ...  well, that gets a *head pat* from me.  ;)  I definitely don't expect anyone to change her mind simply because I did -- but I also don't see how anyone that young can be that adament that she won't change her mind, either.  Hopefully, that makes sense.  I don't condone the pushiness or negativity at all; I just understand why some people respond with skepticism (although not so much to not wanting children, but to being unwilling to acknowledge that you could change your mind at some point in the future).
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

See, I find that kind of condescending. Yes, I can see why people would think a young person would change their mind, but to be self-righteous about it and all, "aw, you're still a young'un, sweetie" is just rude. You (the collective you) don't know a person's story, what they've experienced in their life, the reasons why they don't want kids.

Sure, some are probably in their party phase or whatever and can't fathom settling down. Others have solid reasons for not wanting a kid, and having those reasons brushed aside because of age infuriates me. I may be unwilling to acknowledge that I'll change my mind, but everyone else is equally unwilling to acknowledge that just because they think someone should have kids, that it's not the best decision for the couple.

jasmineh7777

You have an adorable puppy, OP.

People assume we will change our mind about not wanting kids because of our age. The thing is, I like kids a lot. I work with them and volunteer with them. But, I don't want to raise them.

I am young, and if either me and my H change our mind, we are open to discuss it.
Yet, I think the main difference is that I have no desire to be a mother. I never have, and I highly doubt that I ever will.

AJPretty

In this picture he's 8 weeks old, and his name is Max.

Now he's a year and 2 months and he looks like this:

betrothed123

Ha, J   It does take us a bit of extra effort to procreate.  First we have to pop out the kid and then we have to assimilate them.

J&K10910

Hi Max!  He's awesome

Tell us about yourself.  How long have you been lurking?  I see your wedding is in 2 months!  Tell us about it.  How did you meet Joe?  Does Joe work in a button factory?

[Deleted User]

He's adorable, both then and now. I want a puppy, but we're not allowed. So for now, the cat is our baby. It's just as well, Whisky wouldn't like not being the oly child.

jasmineh7777

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_nwr-dont-want-kids-people-care-much-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9e79b358-0197-4684-ba00-6105d2335680Post:d537e361-d5c2-4732-9e85-d2e41845ab7e">Re: NWR: I don't want kids - why do people care so much about this</a>:
[QUOTE]He's adorable, both then and now. I want a puppy, but we're not allowed. So for now, the cat is our baby. It's just as well, Whisky wouldn't like not being the oly child.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Not allowed? Lame. Who do I need to set straight, your landlord?