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just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...

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Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...

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    I'm sorry you're going through this, you're definitely not overreacting so don't beat yourself up for it.  "Hey Beautiful" crosses a line, I would kick FI's a$$.  From a guy's perspective, it's totally not okay either (I asked FI).  Kick him to the curb.  I hope everything works out for the best for you! 
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    it bothers me that even after you found her text to him, he lied to you about what his initial text had said. something really isn't ok there. :(
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    First off, I'm VERY sorry you're going through this. I was put in this exact same situation with my ex FI a few years ago and I know how tough it is. I have to agree with the other girls on this; it's a HUGE red flag.

    My ex and I had been dating for 2 1/2 yrs, engaged for 6 months-ish and I found a text to this girl saying "I miss the sound of your voice." He gave me the "I dont know why I said it" line and apologized, so I forgave him. It was just a text right? Well, 3 months later I caught him in our bed with another girl. Needless to say it was over.

    It could be an "innocent text," some guys are just clueless about how to be... smart. But IMHO I think that something is definitely up. Don't let his actions make you doubt yourself! I beat myself up for months trying to figure out what I did wrong to make him run to another woman and I finally figured it out... I did nothing. It was his own stupid fault. Don't let him shake your confidence. This girl obviously has nothing going for her if she is desperate enough to try and go after a taken man, and you deserve to have a man that respects you enough to listen to your requests.

    In the very least you need to have a serious talk with him. Smack him upside the head and make him realize what he has put into jeopardy. And I agree with the girls, kick him out! At least for a bit. I think he needs a reality check. Something to put his life into perspective and make him figure out what it is he really wants.
     
    And don't be embarrassed to call you friends if you really need to get out. That's what they are there for and I'm sure they wouldn't mind. Hell, if they're anything like mine you may have to hold them back from trying to beat the "hey beautiful" right out of him.

    I hope things work out for you! And, if you need to vent, you can email me. Dferrari17@yahoo.com
    This is one subject in which I am very well versed.
    Good luck!

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    I agree with pp's said.  Stick around here for support, these women are awesome.  You don't deserve this, and he doesn't deserve you.  I read your post to my FI, and his impression is "there's something wrong there".

    I wish you the best.

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    PiruPiru member
    First Comment
    You are so not overreacting. If anythinng, you're underreacting. Some texts can be taken out of context or may be meant to be innocent. "hey beautiful" isn't. I'm sorry but that sounds like pillow talk to me. And that's after you asked him not to text her at all.

    So sorry. Keep your wits about you.
    And if you should die before me, ask if you can take a friend. Pick a flower, close your eyes,and drift away- STP
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    the only thing that cheaters are sorry of is getting caught.

    i'm still with my fiance, but we had a rough 1 month when i saw a flirty wall post on his facebook from a girl that works at his friend's bar that my fiance frequents. we're in a long distance relationship and it gets really rough.

    after all the drama, i told him that it was an unacceptable behavior and i don't tolerate that. if wants to keep flirting with other girls, he's perfectly fine to do so, but don't be expecting me to be around.

    i think it's better that this happened BEFORE you are married rather than after so you can still weigh things and decide what is best for you.
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    You're not "a piece of trash" he is.  He's cleaning because he feels guilty.  He feels guilty because he did something wrong.  Call him on it.  Ask him straight up what the messages mean.  If ya don't like the answer, kick is butt out.

    I know I'm a little late chiming in here but when FH and I first started dating he had this whole text-message based relationship with his ex-secretary (who lived out of state)  The FIRST thing I did when we started getting serious was nip that sh*t in the bud.

    No, that's not my real name. And FH's name isn't Nun (as in Nun ya bidness) either.
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    I agree with what everyone else said. "Hey beautiful" is more than just a casual text and even more than casual flirting. If they're texting each other good morning, I'd bet there is more than flirting going on anyway. My advice is to get out while you still can, you deserve better than a liar.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:128e3a97-85bf-474c-87e9-5702575c5e65">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with what everyone else said. "Hey beautiful" is more than just a casual text and even more than casual flirting. If they're texting each other good morning, I'd bet there is more than flirting going on anyway. My advice is to get out while you still can, you deserve better than a liar.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

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    Oh Honey, my heart brakes for you! I know that pain all too well, my first marriage was filled with it. But what everyone has said on here is spot on. Better to assess all this now then after you're married :(


    Diana
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:00c4d197-0105-477a-a58c-eccc1dd7a0db">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know if I saw the text on my fiance's phone I would be mad and question him too but I wouldn't lock myself in the bedroom for 3 hrs and yelling and crying. That is not a way to solve a problem like this. Sorry but he loves you, hes marrying you not this other girl. You are not trash, just because he flirted with another girl. Talk it out with him don't lock yourself in the bedroom. Have him explain his reason for the text in an adult manner. Try not to over think it. <strong>I'm sure he was just trying to be nice to this girl.</strong> But pleeeease don't give him the cold shoulder that's the worse thing someone can do to someone they love and want to marry. You can't do that everytime your in an argument. Try to listen to him and don't interupt him when he's talking. Most importantly Just Breathe....
    Posted by wraith1288[/QUOTE]

    Are you kidding me?  You are completely minimizing his behavior.  OP is entitled to pitch a fit - I am sure that she fully intends to discuss this rationally with her fi eventually, but she is entitled to her anger and hurt.  Your ridiculous excuses for his behavior don't help.  At all. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:00c4d197-0105-477a-a58c-eccc1dd7a0db">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know if I saw the text on my fiance's phone I would be mad and question him too but I wouldn't lock myself in the bedroom for 3 hrs and yelling and crying. That is not a way to solve a problem like this.<strong> </strong>Sorry but he loves you, hes marrying you not this other girl.<strong> </strong>You are not trash, just because he flirted with another girl. Talk it out with him don't lock yourself in the bedroom. Have him explain his reason for the text in an adult manner. Try not to over think it.<strong> I'm sure he was just trying to be nice to this girl. </strong>But pleeeease don't give him the cold shoulder that's the worse thing someone can do to someone they love and want to marry. You can't do that everytime your in an argument. Try to listen to him and don't interupt him when he's talking. Most importantly Just Breathe....
    Posted by wraith1288[/QUOTE]

    No. Just trying to be nice would have been 'hi'. Not 'hi beautiful' or whatever he said. There is something to this and for you to insinuate that it's really not that big of a deal is just silly and irresponsible.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:00c4d197-0105-477a-a58c-eccc1dd7a0db">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know if I saw the text on my fiance's phone I would be mad and question him too but I wouldn't lock myself in the bedroom for 3 hrs and yelling and crying. That is not a way to solve a problem like this.<strong> Sorry but he loves you</strong>, hes marrying you not this other girl. You are not trash, just because he flirted with another girl. Talk it out with him don't lock yourself in the bedroom. Have him explain his reason for the text in an adult manner. <strong>Try not to over think it. I'm sure he was just trying to be nice to this girl</strong>. But pleeeease don't give him the cold shoulder <strong>that's the worse thing someone can do to someone they love</strong> and want to marry. You can't do that everytime your in an argument. Try to listen to him and don't interupt him when he's talking. Most importantly Just Breathe....
    Posted by wraith1288[/QUOTE]

    Um no he doesn't. A man who loves his FI does NOT text and flirt with other women.

    Seriously? Being nice would be," You are a sweet girl, but I am getting married and I love my FI. If you continue to make sexual advances towards me, I will have to end our friendship."

    The cold shoulder is not the worse thing someone can do to someone they love. CHEATING is one of the worse things you can do to someone you love.

    You are a fucking doormat if you really think this way. Your advice is shitty.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:00c4d197-0105-477a-a58c-eccc1dd7a0db">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know if I saw the text on my fiance's phone I would be mad and question him too but I wouldn't lock myself in the bedroom for 3 hrs and yelling and crying. That is not a way to solve a problem like this. Sorry but he loves you, hes marrying you not this other girl. You are not trash, just because he flirted with another girl. Talk it out with him don't lock yourself in the bedroom. Have him explain his reason for the text in an adult manner. Try not to over think it. I'm sure he was just trying to be nice to this girl. But pleeeease don't give him the cold shoulder that's the worse thing someone can do to someone they love and want to marry. You can't do that everytime your in an argument. Try to listen to him and don't interupt him when he's talking. Most importantly Just Breathe....
    Posted by wraith1288[/QUOTE]

    Please ignore this horrible advice. 
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    I know I am being a b!tch but I can't stand women like this. I bet she believes in submitting to men. Gross.
    image
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    I'm right there with you, Ang.  You can't help but think she's convinced herself that certain activities by her fi/husband were perfectly innocent.  Whatever gets ya through the night, I guess, but don't impose that doormat crap on other women. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:746026b6-e831-434d-a1e0-72f2340c73b0">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm right there with you, Ang.  You can't help but think she's convinced herself that certain activities by her fi/husband were perfectly innocent.  Whatever gets ya through the night, I guess, but don't impose that doormat crap on other women. 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
    And her thing about not giving him the cold shoulder?  Really?  That is advice on how to keep a man - no matter what he does - not how to find/figure out if he's the man for you.
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    I am in no way a man hater but I do hate men who do sh!t like this and like the poster's FI above. There are good men out there. I married one.

    Seriously, I believe women like this set us back 50 years. Women should be helping each other in times like this, not telling them to submit to their men.
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    Update:

    We have talked, alot. Cried, alot. I am not just giving up on our relationship. I told him there is not a chance I would consider getting married/ planning the wedding/ ect without couples counseling.
    I know there is no excuse for his actions, i know i deserve better. He did say he was fishing for a compliment, because he felt bad about himself. I told him he was always oved by me, but now he was just distgusting. (he feels bad b/c he is still working on his degree, he use to be an athlete and has gained weight, ect ect) <- things we ALL have happen. I told him he was selfish, childish, and a spoiled brat. I know i love him, and I want to work and get past this, get past his issues, and work towards being the way we were. I also understand there is no guarentee and am ready to make the best decision for my life.
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    I'm glad you talked. And I think you are smart to start talking about counseling now. I'm sorry that this happened to you.

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    Good for you to start counceling and put everything on hold until then. If he's fishing for compliments now by texting shiit like that then what will he do when he's 45 and balding?
    Good luck with the counceling, and I hope he sees how much this has damaged your trust and hurt your heart.
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    Couples counseling is a great move. I think he could benefit from counseling on his own, too, if he's having image issues. Good luck to you both!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:15afa8dc-cf0f-429e-a824-4bac0d9ed524">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE] You are a fucking doormat if you really think this way. Your advice is shitty.
    Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I imagine this woman saying "So what he had sex with 5 other women...he loves YOU, he married YOU...they mean nothing to him.  Now stop pouting and go give him some loving, because that is probably why he strayed in the first place."
    <div>
    </div><div>

    </div></div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:e6aa9386-7c1b-47c2-bcc2-0117c1f1c2e6">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker... : I imagine this woman saying "So what he had sex with 5 other women...he loves YOU, he married YOU...they mean nothing to him.  Now stop pouting and go give him some loving, because that is probably why he strayed in the first place."
    Posted by saschaduran[/QUOTE]

    LOL <3
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    Good luck with your counseling! I hope everything works out for you!
    My Bio: Updated 5/18/11

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-caught-fiance-flirting-via-text-w-ex-coworker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bad8a9df-bfd4-40cc-8191-149f927fcfebPost:fa98c5a6-28e0-4c24-b028-749679bf32d7">Re: just caught fiance flirting via text w/ an ex coworker...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I am being a b!tch but I can't stand women like this. I bet she believes in submitting to men. Gross.
    Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

    I don't consider your responses to be bitchy.....I consider them smart!
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    edited June 2010
    Not a good situation! I found texts that where alittle more racy than that in my ex's phone. Basically some ho at his work writing "she wanted to rub her self all over him" he laughed it off saying she was crazy and going through a divorce. A few months later I found out he was cheating and got rid of him. Even if he is not cheating it's heading in a bad direction!
    Another example is my best friend who is "friends" with this guy at work. She has been married for 1 year and her and her husband have been having issues (some his fault), she has fooled around with this "co-worker".

    Just be careful!! and please have a heart to heart with him because this is crossing the line.

    (I just read your update, be strong! My ex was insecure too! If you guys are working things out, make sure this "biznitch" is out of the picture. Your FI needs to basically tell her she cannot text and she is crossing the line. Keep an eye out though because your intuition will tell you if somethings not right.)

    Best,

    Laura
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