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Is anyone/everyone else's wedding mostly taken over by others??

So I am a month away from my wedding, and 3 weeks away from flying to it (I live in WA state, but I'm flying back home to Toronto for my wedding. I am relatively calm and cool, but underneath I'm a little pissed and dissapointed.

All throughout this planning its basically gone like this: I come up with an idea, I discuss with fiance and MOH and get feedback I appreciate. Then someone tells other family members on either side about these little things, or friends invited to the wedding, and then there is a relative storm of smart ass comments, negative feedback or opinion about my idea, and I have to hear about it day in and day out.

The other part of it is that I will say I want something a certain way, or only certain people invited, or the design of something a certain way, then I get about 1 day of feeling like I was heard, and then poof! someone else drops in and heavy hands it and changes the plan or the guest list or the design, and then I'm told by the masses to just back off and let it be, because it will make that person happy, and in turn that makes my wedding less stressful. Well its not working. I'm pissed. And I've told those people that I am.. well some not directly, cause one of the worst opressors is my FIL who is just used to getting his way, and people don't want me to ruffle his feathers lest he do something worse to ruin the day.

I guess you want examples: 8 people were invited by phone by FIL 1 mth to 2 mths AFTER the invites were sent out, 2 are friends of the grandparents, 4 are cousins of FIL who he hasn't spoken to in 15 yrs, and 2 are FIL sister and daughter who have directly affected my and FI's life by demanding money, legal help, and generally ruining FI's family (killed dogs at their home, ruined their adjoining apartment they offered them to live in for free, sucked thousands of $$ from them over 2 yrs). So I refused to allow them to come and celebrate with us, when all I want to do is scream at them and deport them.

Then there is my own mother who has been so caught up in her separation from my dad from 5 years ago that she has not been a mother to me in that time, I've been the one who is there for my younger siblings. Yet she feels entitled to tell me I need to make her feel more important in the wedding, and I should do all these nice things for her the week before, and I'm thinking, no, maybe you shouldn't have run off to the middle east to run away from life, or treated your kids as scapegoats for all your mistakes and bad choices.

So ppl have just told me its normal for weddings to be taken over by family and friends and you just smile and nod. But I've done that a lot in life, and I like to think that MY WEDDING is a time I get to stick with what I want. Thoughts?
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Re: Is anyone/everyone else's wedding mostly taken over by others??

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    The only way to get people to not give you their opinions on how your wedding should be is to not discuss the details with them in the first place.
    panther
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_anyoneeveryone-elses-wedding-mostly-taken-over-others?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c72f29f8-4847-482e-90da-f22d1ce6b911Post:85bd8e80-8de4-4263-9c85-d8439e67d625">Re: Is anyone/everyone else's wedding mostly taken over by others??</a>:
    [QUOTE]The only way to get people to not give you their opinions on how your wedding should be is to not discuss the details with them in the first place.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    Well duh.

    What's up with all of these stressed out brides that are freaking out because they let everyone walk all over them? It's like an epidemic.
    imageimage
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_anyoneeveryone-elses-wedding-mostly-taken-over-others?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c72f29f8-4847-482e-90da-f22d1ce6b911Post:58939a65-e56a-4e83-8187-a82782e7f6ca">Re: Is anyone/everyone else's wedding mostly taken over by others??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is anyone/everyone else's wedding mostly taken over by others?? : Well duh. What's up with all of these stressed out brides that are freaking out because they let everyone walk all over them? It's like an epidemic.
    Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]

    I just killed them all, took care of everything!

    OP, seriously stop talking about your wedding!
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    CellesCelles member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited May 2011
    I wouldn't let anyone who kills dogs come to my wedding, no matter who they're friends with... wtf.
    image
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    I didn't have a wedding planner and we just said, "We're doing this, this and this."  Keep plans to yourself and learn to say no.
    White Knot Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    None of the above. My parents and in-laws weren't involved in any planning and didn't care to be. My now-H and I planned the whole thing and it worked well.

    If you are ONLY discussing plans with your FI and MOH, who the hell is letting it get back to your family?
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    It is not that we are pushy or our family didn't care.  We paid 100% for our own wedding and so we planned it without any outside input.  If you don't give people the opportunity to take over, they can't.   It is not about being "pushy" it is about being assertive and independent.  And if htey aren't writing the checks, they can't force you to do anything.  If they are, well, that's the strings that come with taking their money.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_anyoneeveryone-elses-wedding-mostly-taken-over-others?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c72f29f8-4847-482e-90da-f22d1ce6b911Post:3a69e83a-de22-41a1-b855-b2978c35f67b">Is anyone/everyone else's wedding mostly taken over by others??</a>:
    [QUOTE] So ppl have just told me its normal for weddings to be taken over by family and friends and you just smile and nod. But I've done that a lot in life, and I like to think that MY WEDDING is a time I get to stick with what I want. Thoughts?
    Posted by Orca11[/QUOTE]
    Just because someone says you should do something doesn't mean you have to. You can stick with what you want, regardless of what anyone says. I grant you, there isn't really a way to deal with FIL inviting people unless you want to call those people and tell them their was a misunderstanding. But as for the other stuff, who cares what people say you have to do. You call the vendors and tell them to do it your (and I hope your FI's) way. When people tell you that you 'have' to do things a certain way, just say "that's a good suggestion, I'll consider it."
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_anyoneeveryone-elses-wedding-mostly-taken-over-others?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c72f29f8-4847-482e-90da-f22d1ce6b911Post:79e0809e-32f4-480a-92ab-73f9c2d3e740">Re: Is anyone/everyone else's wedding mostly taken over by others??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's what I did during the entire planning process: 1) Paid for everything. I think this is the most important thing. Ouroney = our way. We did not hear a peep from anybody at all and when we did, it didn't matter because it's our money . 2) Never discussed the plans with anybody. Discussing your plans with people opens the door to criticism and opinions. 3) Drank lots of vodka.
    Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]

    I agree with and also recommend this three step plan.
    image
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    My best advice to you is to not share your plans with anyone other than the people who absolutely have to know. I'm such a pushover and after the last month of being completely frustrated and upset over the wedding, we have decided that we're just not telling anyone anything about the wedding plans unless they need to know. I've heard enough about potential hurt feelings to last a lifetime. I'm very sensitive to hurt feelings, but after a while I realized my wedding was going to be a circus of obligation invites that I really didn't want to have at my wedding. Don't let people's opinions and negativity keep you from doing what you want to do for your wedding.
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    amyb140amyb140 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank goodness my family doesn't feel compelled to try to plan, even tho they're paying for a lot of it!  My system has worked well - I decide what I want, consult with FI (and he could care less about things like colors of flowers and dresses - he just wanted input on the menu and he and his GM's clothes), and then do it!  My mom and sister are always happy to hear what I've done or chosen.
    imageAnniversary
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_anyoneeveryone-elses-wedding-mostly-taken-over-others?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c72f29f8-4847-482e-90da-f22d1ce6b911Post:85bd8e80-8de4-4263-9c85-d8439e67d625">Re: Is anyone/everyone else's wedding mostly taken over by others??</a>:
    [QUOTE]The only way to get people to not give you their opinions on how your wedding should be is to not discuss the details with them in the first place.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    IF ONLY this actually worked for me.  After earlier disagreements with FMIL, I have decided to just not talk to her about wedding details, but sure as sh*t, I am bombarded by unsolicited suggestions that if I either push off, or say nicely that I'm going in another direction, or ignore completely, I still can't win - oh yeah and did I mention, she's not helping to pay either so that defense is gone.  Future in laws have been putting HUGE stress on our relationship in the past month and nont making this engagement thing a whole lot of fun :(
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