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I don't want to hate her, but...

Back Story:

FI's best friend Tim is in the army. His wife, Kate, is one of my friends. Kate has been cheating on Tim for 6-8 months now. Tim knows, he's gone alot, but people talk. He's talked to both FI and I about it. Kate has also talked to me about it. She doesn't know he's talked to me, he doesn't know she's talked to me about. But, I have told Kate that I don't agree with what she's doing, and will not be friends with her until it stops.

Flash Forward:

Tim killed himself Friday. He left a note saying he had lost the love of his life to another man and had nothing left to live for. Friday was their anniversary, and Kate was out with another man.

She's tried calling me several times, but I can't bring myself to answer the phone. I have nothing to say to her. I know she didn't kill him, he was in total control of the gun. But in my head, she killed him. I feel like if she wasn't cheating on him, this wouldn't have happened. He's gone. We will never see him again. Cam will never remember her uncle Tim. All because she couldn't be faithful.

She had told me several times that she had no plans on leaving Tim. Then why cheat on him? How could you put someone you love through that much pain?

Right now, I can't stand the sight of her. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Maybe you can help me get through the "I hate her for what she did to him".
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Re: I don't want to hate her, but...

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    Oh man... im sorry! She sounds like a major whore. I wouldnt talk to her either, probably never again.
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    Oh gosh. I honestly don't even know what to say other than I'm very sorry for your loss and I'm awfully sorry to hear that someone was in so much pain that they took their own life.

    That's just very, very sad.
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    Oh my god, that's terrible. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know that I could talk you out of not hating her because I think I would too if it were me. And it's still so fresh. maybe somewhere down the line you could tell her you just can't be around her because of the memories? I don't know. But I am sorry.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:6b161496-5d20-4bff-9b4b-eb26bee68536">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't plan on talking to her, or telling her how I feel. If she has any heart at all she'll be dealing with this for a long time. I just don't want to hate her. I don't have the energy to hate her right now. FI hasn't slept more than 3 hours a night since he found out, so I haven't slept. The funeral isn't unitl Saturday, though I'm not sure why. This week will be hard on all of us, his birthday is Thursday. <strong>I just want to understand how someone can do that to someone they love so much.</strong>
    Posted by MissDuke2012[/QUOTE]


    No you don't.  I don't think I would want to understand, anyway.  I would never want to understand the darkness inside someone's heart that could allow them to treat their spouse the way she treated her husband.  What she did was vile.  You're way, way better of a person than she is and the fact that you can't understand it puts you MILES ahead of her.

    I mean, my wedding is in six(ish) weeks and every time I imagine looking into Ben's eyes and making those promises to him - it seriously skeeves the shiit out of me to imagine something like this going on between the two of us.  I never want to know that kind of disgusting mind set.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:6b161496-5d20-4bff-9b4b-eb26bee68536">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't plan on talking to her, or telling her how I feel. If she has any heart at all she'll be dealing with this for a long time. I just don't want to hate her. I don't have the energy to hate her right now. FI hasn't slept more than 3 hours a night since he found out, so I haven't slept. The funeral isn't unitl Saturday, though I'm not sure why. This week will be hard on all of us, his birthday is Thursday. <strong>I just want to understand how someone can do that to someone they love so much.</strong>
    Posted by MissDuke2012[/QUOTE]


    I think that's the problem. In my opinion, no one who loves someone so much, could ever do that.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:6b161496-5d20-4bff-9b4b-eb26bee68536">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't plan on talking to her, or telling her how I feel. If she has any heart at all she'll be dealing with this for a long time. I just don't want to hate her. I don't have the energy to hate her right now. FI hasn't slept more than 3 hours a night since he found out, so I haven't slept. The funeral isn't unitl Saturday, though I'm not sure why. This week will be hard on all of us, his birthday is Thursday.<strong> I just want to understand how someone can do that to someone they love so much.</strong>
    Posted by MissDuke2012[/QUOTE]

    I don't think anyone can understand this other than to accept the fact that some people are incredibly selfish and don't always care about the ramifications of their actions until it's too late. In my mind, if you can cheat on your spouse for so long (and on your damn anniversary, no less), then you don't love them as much as you claim to. People's morals are different, and unfortunately your friend paid the price for her selfishness.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:6b161496-5d20-4bff-9b4b-eb26bee68536">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE] I just want to understand how someone can do that to someone they love so much.
    Posted by MissDuke2012[/QUOTE]

    I don't mean this to be callous or insensitive, but I don't think she "loved him so much."

    I could never do this to Jay.  I could never cheat on him, have him know about it and expect him to be cool with it.  Where's the respect? 

    Of course I don't know all the details, but the public details paint a very clear picture of deeply hurt husband.  If he had this kind of pain, then I'd imagine he showed it some way.  If his *wife* couldn't see the despair in him and stop, then I feel strongly she cares only about herself.
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    Oh my gosh - this is awful and I am terribly sorry for your family. I have been in this situation too (not as complicated) but I stood my ground and refused to talk to the cheater b/c I do not condone cheating. That is a terrible thing and to admit you don't plan to leave, so basically to just string along as this man is out fighting for his country... Sorry to get on my soapbox here, oncee again, I am terribly sorry and hope that you can stand your ground. I'm sure she feels guilty, but I would suggest a therapist for her, not a friend who is dealing with a loss at the same time. Good luck
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:44f819f9-a053-4ba3-871e-e995479c23f1">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't want to hate her, but... : <strong> I don't mean this to be callous or insensitive, but I don't think she "loved him so much." I could never do this to Jay.  I could never cheat on him, have him know about it and expect him to be cool with it.  Where's the respect?</strong>  Of course I don't know all the details, but the public details paint a very clear picture of deeply hurt husband.  If he had this kind of pain, then I'd imagine he showed it some way.  If his *wife* couldn't see the despair in him and stop, then I feel strongly she cares only about herself.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
    Agreed. You dont do something that you know will hurt your partner. She KNEW it and continued to do it. That just shows a total lack of respect and complete disregard for his feelings. Its obvious just how selfish she is and while she "loved him" I dont think you can really LOVE someone and willingly do that and not even care.
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have to agree with some PPs that she must be feeling like shiit at this point as well. Its your prerogative whether to be mad at her or not, but ultimately it is HIS fault that he is dead. He allowed her to continue to hurt him, he didn't get help for depression, and he pulled the trigger. Yes, she and her actions devastated him, but he ultimately made the choice of how to handle it. His reaction was his choice. He could have just left her. 

    So that may sound insensitive, but I will admit that I am still pissed at my childhood friend that committed suicide. He made the wrong choice, and I only blame him for that. At first I was mad at myself for not noticing something was up, mad at his family for not noticing, mad at his gf for letting him break up with her right before and not going after him, and mad at the person who gave him the alcohol. Hell, i was even mad at his mom, who took her own life and set the example for him. But as I grew up, went to more suicide prevention trainings that I can count, and just dealt with more and more mental issues in people I love, I realized that it was his choice, and it was a selfish choice.   

    If you don't want to talk to her, then don't. It may take you a while to get to this point, but I dont' think there is reason to harbor hate for her, though, when he had a choice of how to deal with it and he chose to be selfish instead of facing the issue. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:44f819f9-a053-4ba3-871e-e995479c23f1">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't want to hate her, but... : I don't mean this to be callous or insensitive, but I don't think she "loved him so much." I could never do this to Jay.  I could never cheat on him, have him know about it and expect him to be cool with it.  Where's the respect?  Of course I don't know all the details, but the public details paint a very clear picture of deeply hurt husband.  If he had this kind of pain, then I'd imagine he showed it some way.  If his *wife* couldn't see the despair in him and stop, then I feel strongly she cares only about herself.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree. Which is why I disagree a little with AATB's post. If she didn't feel that guilty about cheating on her husband to continue doing it for 8 months, while he's in the serving in the military, then honestly, I can't see how she'd possess the emotional range to really feel the magnitude of the consequences.</div>
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    Also, I don't think she loved or respected him at all, as much as that might hurt to hear. You don't do stuff like that to people you love. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:fe3d6bfe-0110-434e-9dab-89d2508be154">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have to agree with some PPs that she must be feeling like shiit at this point as well. Its your prerogative whether to be mad at her or not, but ultimately it is HIS fault that he is dead.<strong> He allowed her to continue to hurt him, he didn't get help for depression, and he pulled the trigger. Yes, she and her actions devastated him, but he ultimately made the choice of how to handle it. His reaction was his choice. He could have just left her. </strong> So that may sound insensitive, but I will admit that I am still pissed at my childhood friend that committed suicide. He made the wrong choice, and I only blame him for that. At first I was mad at myself for not noticing something was up, mad at his family for not noticing, mad at his gf for letting him break up with her right before and not going after him, and mad at the person who gave him the alcohol. Hell, i was even mad at his mom, who took her own life and set the example for him. But as I grew up, went to more suicide prevention trainings that I can count, and just dealt with more and more mental issues in people I love, <strong>I realized that it was his choice, and it was a selfish choice.</strong>    If you don't want to talk to her, then don't. It may take you a while to get to this point, but I dont' think there is reason to harbor hate for her, though, when he had a choice of how to deal with it and he chose to be selfish instead of facing the issue. 
    Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

    THIS.  100%.

    I also had a friend commit suicide, many years ago.  And, just like Sarah, it took me a long time to put the blame where it actually belonged.  My friend took his life.  It was his choice, and it was no one's fault but his own.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:fe3d6bfe-0110-434e-9dab-89d2508be154">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]  If you don't want to talk to her, then don't. It may take you a while to get to this point, but I dont' think there is reason to harbor hate for her, though, when he had a choice of how to deal with it and he chose to be selfish instead of facing the issue. 
    Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

    I totally understand what you are saying, Sarah.  I actually thought of this and realized that Tim wasn't an innocent party in all of this - he could have taken responsibility for his actions, too, and left his wife. 

    His wife also could have taken some responsibility and left him.  It's a whole disaster of a situation.  I also often wonder about how anyone is supposed to know how deeply their actions will affect someone else and how much you can hold one person responsible for someone else's death.  The line can be very blurry.

    My posts are about the here and now.  After some time and grieving, I may actually reach the point you are at over your friend's death.  But that is something it takes time to see.

    I'm rambling now...  so I'll stop talking :)
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    Oh, my God.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I don't know if I could ever speak to her again if I were in your position.  Probably not, and definitely not anytime soon.  And you know what?  I would want this to weigh heavily on her for a very long time, because she bears some responsibility, even though he made the selfish choice to end his own life. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:ca7b0569-8b60-41ac-896f-14273e1e9d8d">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't want to hate her, but... : I totally understand what you are saying, Sarah.  I actually thought of this and realized that Tim wasn't an innocent party in all of this - he could have taken responsibility for his actions, too, and left his wife.  His wife also could have taken some responsibility and left him.  It's a whole disaster of a situation.  <strong>I also often wonder about how anyone is supposed to know how deeply their actions will affect someone else and how much you can hold one person responsible for someone else's death.  The line can be very blurry. My posts are about the here and now.  After some time and grieving, I may actually reach the point you are at over your friend's death.  But that is something it takes time to see. I'm rambling now...  so I'll stop talking :)</strong>
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It took a long time. He did this as a teenager. I was 15, he was 17. It has taken me 16 years to get to this point. A LONG time. </div><div>
    </div><div>If I was OP, I'd be pissed too. I'd be angry and sad and all those things. I totally understand and empathize, and I wouldn't talk to the wife either. I couldn't. Its way too fresh. 

    </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:b67154bd-c2f6-4a4e-beea-95f5ab9d317b">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't want to hate her, but... : I agree. Which is why I disagree a little with AATB's post. If she didn't feel that guilty about cheating on her husband to continue doing it for 8 months, while he's in the serving in the military, then honestly, I can't see how she'd possess the emotional range to really feel the magnitude of the consequences.
    Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

    Most importantly I am so, so sorry you and your FI are going through this. Unfortunately I agree with Any. I can't imagine that a person who allows herself to repeatedly cheat on her husband <em>while he's serving our country </em>and while she knows he knows and admits she'll never leave him, has any type of moral fiber that will allow her to fully register how her actions made him feel and how those feelings ultimately led to his need to take his own life.

    Sadly, it's his own fault he is dead, he's the one who killed himself, but I trust (without knowing the full story) that her actions are what led him to his depression. I wouldn't want to be friends with her either. You don't owe her anything and you certainly don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. She will, however, be hard to avoid at the funeral.
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    I'm so sorry Miss Duke.

    I lost a friend to suicide a few years ago, and to be honest I still have not forgiven the people that I think contributed to it. But I can say that hating them took a lot of effort on my part. I don't hate them anymore, because I just can't/won't devote that kind of effort into thinking about them and being angry.

    There is no right or wrong way you should be feeling. I know that I was pissed, and I can empathize with your anger right now.

    I imagine his wife is sick with guilt and grief right now as well. I hope she seeks counseling. However, if it wouldn't be healthy for you to be in contact with her, then I don't think you should feel obligated.

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    This makes my heart sink... I hate this chick and I dont know her. If you do talk to her, get right to the point and hang up/walk away. I would not be able to look at her either.


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    I am sorry that your friend killed himself.  You have every right not to talk to her ever again. 

    I just want to say that him killing himself is not her fault.  Lots of people's spouses cheat on them everyday and don't kill themselves.  It's hard to be mad at him, since he's dead, but he is to blame for killing himself.  Killing yourself over a cheating spouse is not a normal reaction and I would think there must be other underlying mental health issues. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:01f4c2db-24ad-4d5c-bd4d-6de95be005d5">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am sorry that your friend killed himself.  You have every right not to talk to her ever again.  I just want to say that him killing himself is not her fault.  Lots of people's spouses cheat on them everyday and don't kill themselves.  It's hard to be mad at him, since he's dead, but he is to blame for killing himself.  Killing yourself over a cheating spouse is not a normal reaction and I would think there must be other underlying mental health issues. 
    Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]
    This along with what many others have said. I'm wondering that he was probably also suffering a little bit of PTSD, it's fairly common, more so than people think, I think.
     His wife cheating on him was probably the straw that broke the camels back, but definitely easiest to blame, and while I see merit in AATB's post, I know I wouldn't be able to care about her anymore either.  Who knows, maybe she's calling to make sure you're ok? No, I doubt it. Sometimes people take their spouse for granted, well, often people do, but just because she cheated doesn't mean she's not going to mourn him, as well (although I honestly have a hard time typing that just for the fact she did it on their freakin anniversary...) Anyway, take care of yourself, and your man, it must be so hard on him  :(
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    I'm so sorry for your and your FI's loss. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I don't think that there's a right or wrong way to act right now, in terms of your relationship with her, but you need to take care of yourself and your FI first.

    I know that it's already been said, but suicide is a horrific and complex thing. No person can "drive" someone to commit suicide, outside of horrendous torture or abuse situations. Her infidelity may have contributed to his depression, but people don't kill themselves for logical reasons. There are often severe mental health issues that are in place before somebody can seriously consider taking their own life.

    I know that you're both in so much pain, and it's understandable to place the blame on her. But it wasn't her fault. She acted irresponsibly and cruelly, but it was nobody's choice but his own to take his life. Right now, I suggest that you and your FI take the focus away from her and keep it on each other. If you or your FI need to talk to a grief counselor, please make sure that you do so. Then, in time, if you want to be there for her, you can.
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    I feel like we should have noticed something. We should have known something was going on. We were his best friends. I know that he held the gun, he pulled the trigger. I know this. But right now I feel like she loaded the gun and gave it to him.

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    MissDuke, I'm so sorry that you are hurting.  This is a terrible situation for all of you.  i don't have a whole lot to add, but you'll be in my T & P.
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    I don't know if this is an ok question to ask right now, but what are you going to do when you see her at the funeral (if you're planning on attending, that is)?

    It's just something to think about and be prepared for. As the grieving wife, she will be expected to attend, and I have a feeling she may try to talk to you at the event. You might want to have a one-sentence statement in mind for when that goes down.

    What gets under my skin is that since they were still married, she'll still get the Death Gratuity pay and (if he had forgotten to take her name off his SGLI) his life insurance payout. I'm hoping he was smart enough to designate someone else as his primary recipient of those funds, but that may not have been the case.
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    I am so sorry for your loss.

    If I were in your shoes, next time she calls I'd tell her that she has a LOT of amends to make for this situation before people are going to be willing to talk to her about it (and by amends I don't mean just an apology- making amends is about trying to make things right as best you can, knowing that there's NO way to really make things right, and requires a tremendous amount of humility).

    Suggest she see a therapist and then let her work her own stuff out.  You have plenty to deal with already with coming to terms with your grief and loss.  Maybe one day, if she demonstrates sincere regret in her actions as well as her words by dramatically changing the way she lives her life, you can consider whether or not you still want to talk to her then.  In the meantime, I don't think she deserves your sympathy, since you told her up front that you disapproved and were unhappy with the situation.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:75cdd03a-e9d0-4c42-ba37-7423e5c3f66e">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I don't know if this is an ok question to ask right now, but what are you going to do when you see her at the funeral (if you're planning on attending, that is)? It's just something to think about and be prepared for. As the grieving wife, she will be expected to attend, and I have a feeling she may try to talk to you at the event. You might want to have a one-sentence statement in mind for when that goes down.</strong> What gets under my skin is that since they were still married, she'll still get the Death Gratuity pay and (if he had forgotten to take her name off his SGLI) his life insurance payout. I'm hoping he was smart enough to designate someone else as his primary recipient of those funds, but that may not have been the case.
    Posted by mehgank[/QUOTE]

    This is a very good point.  Think of something short and civil and general, something that just says "I would rather not talk to you about any of this now, I'll contact you when I'm ready".  Write it down on a notecard and repeat it until it's stuck in your head.  I know that when I'm in a mindset like I imagine you are/will be in, I get flustered really easy, which usually results in saving the exact wrong thing, so having something prepared in advance that you can rattle off quickly would be beneficial.

    I'm very sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine going through something like that, I can't imagine the amount of anger and hurt and sadness that you must be going through.  As others have said, get thee to a grief counselor, they can help you work through the emotions.  Let yourself feel the range of emotions, but don't act on any of them, all that may do is lead to regretting the behavior later.  Talk to the counselor, go to a grief recovery group, get a journal and write it all down, buy a set or two of cheap plates that you can shatter when you feel angry.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:f58d8ca0-97ab-4dd6-8abd-8a16ee92d342">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like we should have noticed something. We should have known something was going on. We were his best friends. I know that he held the gun, he pulled the trigger. I know this. But right now I feel like she loaded the gun and gave it to him.
    Posted by MissDuke2012[/QUOTE]

    (((hugs)))
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    Um, I didn't even read through all the posts but honestly if you're upset with her, I don't think you have to be a good friend in this situation.  You're grieving for your good friend too.

    Also, I had to learn a lot about suicide counseling for a job I was in, and one thing I learned is that almost all of suicides happen because they are trying to hurt someone they are upset with.  We learned that the first question to ask is "Who are you mad at and who are you trying to hurt?"  I'm not trying to be a therapist, but just saying that this is what we learned, and we learned that often times it's directed at the person they intend to find their body as well.  Now, that being said, there's a good chance he did this specifically to hurt her.  With the history you gave, it sounds likely. 

    And to be honest, in that case I kind of think she should suffer.  I think if anyone treats someone the way she did they should have to suffer and learn the consequences.  Not saying that to be cruel, but I make a point in my life to treat those I love and care about with respect and make sure they know they are loved.  If I ever failed on those accounts and had something like this happen, I would very much deserve to feel the pain.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hate-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cbc058ea-3689-4c21-ae4d-83e308bd1950Post:f58d8ca0-97ab-4dd6-8abd-8a16ee92d342">Re: I don't want to hate her, but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I feel like we should have noticed something. We should have known something was going on. We were his best friends.</strong> I know that he held the gun, he pulled the trigger. I know this. But right now I feel like she loaded the gun and gave it to him.
    Posted by MissDuke2012[/QUOTE]

    DO NOT do this to yourself.  Just. Don't.  Short of him calling you and saying, "I have a gun to my head and I want to kill myself," you could not have known this would happen.  This is a normal reaction, but it's not healthy for you or your FI to entertain that thought.  Like PPs said, please, for your sakes, talk to someone; a counselor, a priest, someone that can help you through these feelings.  Check with your/FI's work; they may offer counseling through an Employee Assistance Program. 
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