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Just need to vent! Long

My FI and finally decided to get joing accounts.. He is a spender.. I am not.  We make good money but we also are paying for a part of our wedding and our parents the majoraty. I am one of those people who would rather get my wedding paid for... then we can spend and buy after its done.  He on the other hand is what I call swipe happy... I can look one day and see one balance.. the next day.. there is at least $100 missing and ther are all these charges.  I know he makes money too but I would really appreciate him communicating with me.. he says he isnt going to tell me everytime he spends money cause its his money too.. I agree to a certian point. I would love to go shopping and stuff but I dont bc I know we have stuff to pay for. I know it sounds childish.. but I dont feel its fair. Its my money too and I dont just go swipe crazy and buy whatever I want. and when i do spend I tell him.  I also try to keep track of everything in my check ledger so i know what was spent and where we are financially.. he tells me look on line you will see the balance.  I am just frustrated cause i try and be respectiful and tell him what i am spending and I feel he should do the same and he should be mindful that we hve a wedding to pay for and skipping out on golf with the guys a couple of times wont kill him.  I try to talk to him and he gets extrmeely defensive and gets angry.  I am very tempted to just go back to my own account but i dont want to do that bc we need to learn to share finances and stuff... .. anyone else have this problem... or am i just over reacting and I should just let it go

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Re: Just need to vent! Long

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    edited August 2010
    These are issues you need to get a handle on now before you get married. I think you either need to be on the same page and agree to the way you handle your finances now. Or separate your accounts and have one account that your bill money comes out of, figure out what percentage of each of your incomes should go to the mutual bills, and that account be for bills only. That way you have your own money and he has his, and you cant argue about what he spends. Good Luck.

    ETA: If you cant agree you may need to get a third party involved, to discuss this problem.
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    Looks like the 2 of you need to keep separate accounts.

    My FI is like you.  We have 1 joint account and he wants a 3 paragraph explanation of every charge.  Its annoying, and makes me feel like a kid, so I stopped using that account.

    I think you need to relax.
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    Are you combining all of your finances into a single checking/savings account?

    I see couples as having three options - combining everything, keeping everything separate and a mixture of both.  For example, DH and I went with Option 3 - a mixture.  We each have our own checking and savings accounts and one joint savings that was set up when we started saving for the wedding.  Now we have split that account into two funds - one for house improvement and the other to save for our big trip next March.

    Maybe you could look at your total monthly net and budget out what you need:  living expenses, money you want to save, and the like.  Also figure to set aside a little "fun" money for each of you, so if you want to treat yourself to something or he wants to golf with the guys, you're covered.  You could have individual accounts for the "fun" money and a joint account for living expenses and savings.

    HTH!
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    edited August 2010
    That's why a joint account for household expenses, saving, and retirement is a great idea, and all. but, you should also have separate accounts for monthly spending. Every month, when you pay your bills, you each make a deposit for an agreed upon amount of money into your separate accounts. That money you each get to spend, without consulting the other. However, the joint account is jointly decided upon.

    ETA: Agree with PP. Get this sorted before you get married.
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    I don't think you're overreacting if he's overspending the money that you're both putting into the joint account.

    My fiance and I are going to have a "house account."  In this account, we will be contributing money that we will need to pay our monthly bills - read: mortgage/rent, utilities, cable/internet, phone, etc. and probably a little extra for some groceries and other things that we'll buy together.

    But we both think a little like your fiance.  We don't want to have to ask each other every time one of us wants to spend money.  I think within reason - depending on the purchase (example - that cute top?  No big deal.  A flat screen TV? Discuss) you need to be communicating a little better about how your money is spent.

    Perhaps a compromise would be that the joint account is for your montly bills.  If you're both making good money, you should both be able to spend some of that money how you wish.
    panther
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    My FI and I have three accouts - we each have our own account and a shared account.  We both add money to our joint account for our living expenses and savings, what ever else remains in our seperate accounts.  I can see your FI's point of view on not wanting to check in with you when he makes a purchase.  And I can see your point of view on wanting to keep track of your spending.    Do you both have a monthly budget of depositing $X in your account?  Is he taking out more than he is depositing?  What bothers you  about his spending?

     I think you can definitely learn to share your finances without having to rely on one joint account.
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    We do have a budget planned out.... I am just one of those that just because i have $100 in my account till friday.. doesnt mean i have to spend it... my FI is... I dont want to live pay check to pay check and with the moeny we make we dont have too.  I dont expect him to tell me every charge.. but when  its $50 to $60 bucks then I would think he could say.. He babe I went golfing and spent about $60... thats it.... I am trying to not be a nit picky controlling person but I am very hands on to a fault LOL... My Fi is the one who said lets get a joing account.. I guess I need to just chill.. i just worry that we wont have the money we need to cover our part of the wedding..
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    I think if you had a joint house account that you both contributed to that added up to all the money that you absolutely NEED every month - then you'd be in the clear.  True, if he wants to spend s a little frivolous money that's kinda irresponsible on his part, but whatever - as long as he contributes to what he needs to, whatever is left over is up to him, if he's making it.
    panther
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-need-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:ccb043c3-b67b-44c9-a89d-3d2fa04750adPost:f0fddab1-1779-438d-bde7-aa3ce2f35c13">Re: Just need to vent! Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]We do have a budget planned out.... I am just one of those that just because i have $100 in my account till friday.. doesnt mean i have to spend it... my FI is... I dont want to live pay check to pay check and with the moeny we make we dont have too.  I dont expect him to tell me every charge.. but when  its $50 to $60 bucks then I would think he could say.. He babe I went golfing and spent about $60... thats it.... I am trying to not be a nit picky controlling person but I am very hands on to a fault LOL... My Fi is the one who said lets get a joing account.. I guess I need to just chill..<strong> i just worry that we wont have the money we need to cover our part of the wedding..</strong>
    Posted by jessienjeremy[/QUOTE]

    If you have a budget set in place, then you should factor in weddings savings.  Anything left over he should be allowed to use for fun stuff.  So should you, but just because you choose not to, does not mean he has to as well.
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    Definitely get this figured out before you get married.

    DH got annoyed with me for buying 2 dresses last week. I calmly pointed out to him that he and his friend jointly purchased a beer pong table a few weeks ago... Really?? At least my purchase doesn't take up that much space in the closet and doesn't require his pick up to transfer to other people's houses. What a weirdo.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-need-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ccb043c3-b67b-44c9-a89d-3d2fa04750adPost:be6bc990-30fe-4aa0-a259-0657a1915019">Just need to vent! Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI and finally decided to get joing accounts.. He is a spender.. I am not.  We make good money but we also are paying for a part of our wedding and our parents the majoraty. I am one of those people who would rather get my wedding paid for... then we can spend and buy after its done.  He on the other hand is what I call swipe happy... I can look one day and see one balance.. the next day.. there is at least $100 missing and ther are all these charges.  I know he makes money too but I would really appreciate him communicating with me.. he says he isnt going to tell me everytime he spends money cause its his money too.. I agree to a certian point. I would love to go shopping and stuff but I dont bc I know we have stuff to pay for. I know it sounds childish.. but I dont feel its fair. Its my money too and I dont just go swipe crazy and buy whatever I want. and when i do spend I tell him.  I also try to keep track of everything in my check ledger so i know what was spent and where we are financially.. he tells me look on line you will see the balance.  I am just frustrated cause i try and be respectiful and tell him what i am spending and I feel he should do the same and he should be mindful that we hve a wedding to pay for and skipping out on golf with the guys a couple of times wont kill him.  I try to talk to him and he gets extrmeely defensive and gets angry.  I am very tempted to just go back to my own account but i dont want to do that bc we need to learn to share finances and stuff... .. anyone else have this problem... or am i just over reacting and I should just let it go
    Posted by jessienjeremy[/QUOTE]

    He's completely unwilling to talk about it with you?  That's a problem.  The only way you're going to solve this issue is if the 2 of you sit down and come to some sort of compromise.  It will be good practice for your marriage.  Work this out before you get married or the problem is just going to grow and grow.
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    I know I need to not over react... I guess I am just mad because he spends and I am eating tuna every day for lunch and sandwiches so that we can save money.  Maybe I need to pamper my self everyonce in awhile since I contribute alot too.  Maybe I will feel better... Thank you guys! You helped me chill out,...
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    If I told FI to tell me everytime he spent $50, he would laugh in my face.
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    edited August 2010
    OP - one of the biggest things in marriage where people butt heads and have problems is money.  If you haven't done so yet I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling, especially where money is concerned.

    You have to learn to loosen the purse strings a little and allow him to spend and have fun - but he also has to understand that he cannot spend outside his means.

    I would strongly suggest that you get these issues ironed out before you tie the knot. 
    panther
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    Yeah, that is something you need to figure out before you get married.  Obviously you both have different spending habits and styles.  Do you have a detailed budget, saying that you need to save $X a month in order to pay for the wedding?  I think if you broke it down by months and really show him how much you need to save, it might be easier for him to see where you are coming from. 

    If you just tell him we need to save $5000 (for example) over the next year, it's easy to lose sight of the big picture if your wedding is far away.

    FYI, this is what we do.

    He has his own checking and savings account.
    I have my own checking and savings account.
    We have a joint checking and savings account.

    We put 25% of each paycheck into our personal accounts for spending however we please.  If he wants to blow it all on something stupid, I don't care.  The 75% of the paycheck that goes into our joint accounts goes towards bills, mortgage, insurance, etc. 
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    Everyone else has given you good advice, so I'll try to be brief. 
    Money problems now will result in even bigger money problems down the road if the two of you can't get on the same page, especially if he continually makes big purchases without consulting you.  It sounds to me like your fiance is spending like a single guy with no responsibilities, which clearly isn't the case.  I know you're frustrated and it's difficult to stay calm, but you have to get him to listen to reason without either of you losing your tempers.  I agree that a financial planner might be the way to go, go talk to someone together who can counsel you on how to take care of your money, whether that means having a joint account or not.  The economy is uncertain, he really should be mindful of how much he's spending and start saving for the future.
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    I feel ya!!!     
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    We had this same problem, but talking it out worked eventually.  Just sit down and calmly discuss it. 
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    Separate your accounts immediately. This is not a battle in which either of you will win. I am a firm believer in separate accounts only.  ( with the exception of maybe a joint savings account.)  Seriously.. it will just cause more problems than what it is worth.
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    I think its an adjustment for him.. he is use to going and doing as he pleases..... we have a budget planned and what to do with what on each check.. I think I just need to calm down and remember that as long as bills are being paid and money is being saved then spending alittle money is no biggie.. I just am one of those that over thinks stuff.. I guess reading all your comments reminded of that! LOL.. funny how strangers can make you realized your being retarded

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-need-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:ccb043c3-b67b-44c9-a89d-3d2fa04750adPost:30792922-5593-460b-b41d-1e550bfc4ff5">Re: Just need to vent! Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think its an adjustment for him.. he is use to going and doing as he pleases..... we have a budget planned and what to do with what on each check.. I think I just need to calm down and remember that as long as bills are being paid and money is being saved then spending alittle money is no biggie.. I just am one of those that over thinks stuff.. I guess reading all your comments reminded of that! LOL.. funny how strangers can make you realized your being retarded
    Posted by jessienjeremy[/QUOTE]
     

    I would recommend speaking to a counselor and or a financial manager so you two can figure out what works for you. This is a biggie- you need to fix this before you get married. 

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-need-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ccb043c3-b67b-44c9-a89d-3d2fa04750adPost:e5139d16-aee3-43e3-a84e-25a92557deb9">Re: Just need to vent! Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just need to vent! Long :   I would recommend speaking to a counselor and or a financial manager so you two can figure out what works for you. This is a biggie- you need to fix this before you get married. 
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]
    Ditto Red.  It doesn't matter how anyone else manages their finances.  It's up to you and your FI to find the best solution for you.  At this point it sounds like you may need some sort of professional to step in and sort of mediate, showing you the pros and cons of each choice, to find the best way for you.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-need-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ccb043c3-b67b-44c9-a89d-3d2fa04750adPost:30792922-5593-460b-b41d-1e550bfc4ff5">Re: Just need to vent! Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think its an adjustment for him.. he is use to going and doing as he pleases..... we have a budget planned and what to do with what on each check.. I think I just need to calm down and remember that as long as bills are being paid and money is being saved then spending alittle money is no biggie..<strong> I just am one of those that over thinks stuff.. I guess reading all your comments reminded of that! LOL.. funny how strangers can make you realized your being retarded</strong>
    Posted by jessienjeremy[/QUOTE]


    I don't think you're overthinking things or "being retarded" (perhaps check your use of this phrase in the future, fyi) - finances are really important to keep in line, especially when both people are using ONE account.  If you're going to stay with the one account, he needs to be forthcoming and honest with his charges so you don't make an everyday purchase on groceries on come up short because he felt like going golfing a couple days before.  Some people can make the one account thing work just fine but its because they are keeping track of it together.

    That's why I suggest a joint "house" account and two separate accounts for yourselves.  And marriage counseling.

    I keep neurotic tabs on my bank accounts.  Not one cent is misplaced.  It would drive me crazy if my fiance and I had a joint account and he was making miscellaneous and frivolous charges at whim. 
    panther
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    This was a big adjustment for us as well. H will nickle and dime us into the poor house, but luckily he admits that. A $5 lunch here, a couple $2 drinks at work there and where did our money go? I am a big penny pincher on the other hand so sometimes yes, I get frustrated when I see all the money going out of the account for what I classify as stupid shiit. I also know that I can get way to extreme to the point of hurting myself, so he's my reality check for that.

    We have an agreement that if any of us is going to spend over $50 we discuss it first. Not because we're getting permission to buy something but just to make sure we aren't going overboard. I also think talking sometimes can make you think "eh, I don't really want that anyways". I also think once we have a bit more income we will be able to be less restrictive.

    One thing I still do every other month is break things into categories (gas, extras, bills, food, etc) and plug everything into a spread sheet. Either he will see he's spending a little more than he thought, or you will see that it's less. Hopefully good will come out of it.
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    In the joint account I'd suggest that neither of you deposit your entire check. Before getting a joint account with my FI  we had a talk about money. Because money is something that is not worth over ruining our relationship. We agreed to go over all of our bills. We then made that each month we would pay half. So we only put in the account our half. That way he spends his money and not mine, and visa versa.
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    Apparently I'm in the minority here, but we pool all of our money into joint accounts.  Neither of us has our own account.  What's mine is his and what's his is mine.  This works for us, but I know it wouldn't work for everyone.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-need-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:ccb043c3-b67b-44c9-a89d-3d2fa04750adPost:ef789f07-0068-4b45-a26d-9cff0af538bf">Re: Just need to vent! Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Apparently I'm in the minority here, but we pool all of our money into joint accounts.  Neither of us has our own account.  What's mine is his and what's his is mine.  This works for us, but I know it wouldn't work for everyone.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    I'm right here with you. I couldn't imagine having separate accounts at this point. It's much easier to have everything coming from one place and just communicating with each other about spending money.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-need-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:ccb043c3-b67b-44c9-a89d-3d2fa04750adPost:ef789f07-0068-4b45-a26d-9cff0af538bf">Re: Just need to vent! Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Apparently I'm in the minority here, but we pool all of our money into joint accounts.  Neither of us has our own account.  What's mine is his and what's his is mine.  This works for us, but I know it wouldn't work for everyone.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    I am actually surprised at the number of times people have these kind of issues too B, just because in my little world it makes tons of sense to share everything and be responsible/supportive of each other. I agree it is not for everyone, but I really am surprised how often this your vs. mine thing comes on on here. I am sure my opinion does have a lot to do with the fact we got married when I was fresh out of grad school and neither of us ever lived life supporting only ourselves and having a preset notions of the money we individually make. Although, I do think I still would feel as though being married means spending together, playing together, setting goals together and trusting the other person to reward themselves accordingly.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_just-need-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ccb043c3-b67b-44c9-a89d-3d2fa04750adPost:cbea0c8a-ed02-4875-9c71-4f69ada11463">Re: Just need to vent! Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just need to vent! Long : I am actually surprised at the number of times people have these kind of issues too B, just because in my little world it makes tons of sense to share everything and be responsible/supportive of each other. I agree it is not for everyone, but I really am surprised how often this your vs. mine thing comes on on here. I am sure my opinion does have a lot to do with the fact we got married when I was fresh out of grad school and neither of us ever lived life supporting only ourselves and having a preset notions of the money we individually make. Although, I do think I still would feel as though being married means spending together, playing together, setting goals together and trusting the other person to reward themselves accordingly.
    Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]
    You could be on to something here.  Before H and I got married we lived together for a few years, and when we did we had separate, but still somewhat combined finances (We didn't do an even split on bills and such, it was just "okay, let's pull together what we need for rent this month.  It doesn't matter who contributes more because in the end we'll still have a place to stay.")  Before that he lived with his mom and I only lived on my own for about a year.

    However, I definitely agree with your last sentence completely.  To me part of being married is working through these things jointly, and viewing our entire lives as working in tandem to make ourselves and each other happy.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    When our finances were separate it was just "ok, there's enough money in your account to pay rent, and then I'll do groceries and utilities and it comes out sort of even."

    We did both have our own finances prior to moving in together though. H was used to spending a lot more because he had less bills (lived with his sister to help her out while bil was overseas the first time) and had resigned himself to never getting married or having kids and didn't see why he needed to save. I was super stingy after supporting myself and my loser ex for so long.

    I actually have panic attacks if I ever buy something (even groceries) over $300. Buying the couch nearly killed me!
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