Snarky Brides

unsupportive friend acting differently...not sure what to make of it

So, I'll make this as short as possible, but it may end up long anyway. 

Background:  My FI and I have been together for about a year and a half.  I also have a friend that I grew up with who lives in another state.  Out of all of our friends and both families, she is the only one that has consistently been unsupportive of the relationship.  Her reasoning has changed constantly over the past year and a half, like: she had a "bad feeling" about him (at that point she hadn't met him yet), to "he's weird-looking," that he reminded her of her ex-fiance that she hates, she pictured me being with a guy with a doctorate or JD rather than an associate's (he's in IT/web design) since I'm working on a doctorate in political science so she thinks we'll be poor, we're of different races (he's white, I'm black) and she thinks I should date any other race but white, and most recently, she dreamed a bad, bad dream of us (but wouldn't say what it was). 

From the beginning, she expressed that she didn't like to hear me talk about the relationship, so I don't in her company (except if a mutual friend asks about it in three-way calling, and then she'll have a tantrum for them asking and get off the phone).  But then every so often, she'll want to make a comment about my relationship or ask about it, to which I'll remind her that she didn't want to hear about it, so she doesn't get to bring it up either.  The little she does know, including my engagement, is through Facebook, and she said before the engagement and reiterated even after the proposal that she will not attend my wedding if I marry my FI.  So accordingly, I have no intention of inviting her.

In the past month, she's made comments about pretty much anything good that happens in my life (things not related to my relationship, which I still don't talk about to her).  She'll say snarkily "you and your perfect life" and then bring up my relationship. 

Then...she and I were on the phone late last night, and she asked me about my wedding photography.  I didn't tell her anything, same reason.  Then, she's like "it's nothing bad," and she wanted to do my photography (she is an up-and-coming freelance photographer) as her gift to us on the wedding day.  I didn't really know what to say.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, and I'm a little wary given her past behavior.  But I've known her longer than the vast majority of my friends, and so there is an inclination to forgive.  Some insight from outsiders would be helpful.

Re: unsupportive friend acting differently...not sure what to make of it

  • Absolutely do not let her do your wedding photography.  I would go off on her, if it were me.  Why on earth would she want to do your wedding photography given her feelings about your relationship?

    I'd cut her loose.  She sounds toxic.  I find that being friends with people like that is exhausting, and as soon as they are gone from my life, it's like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I have never once regretted the decision. 
  • No way. working with friends is hard enough - even if she didn't have this horrible past- I would not want her to be part of my special day if I was you. I think you would be more relaxed with a professional.
  • i dunno... it just sounds fishy to me.

    maybe she's truly coming around and wants to make it up to you.  but if it were me, i'd politely tell her "thanks, but no thanks."  you're always going to have those thoughts of her disapproval of your relationship and if she's at your wedding, doing your photos, you'd be thinking of it.  and you don't need to be thinking of that on your wedding day.

    if someone is in a bad relationship, usually someone speaks up - and everyone is usually in agreement.  but if it's just HER, for seemingly no reason, it just sounds like she's either jealous or being catty.  it doesn't sound like behavior a true friend would have.  even if she didn't like the guy, he doesn't sound like he's stupid or abusive or bad for you.  she could have been supportive, but she wasn't.  i really don't see a reason to cultivate and maintain a friendship with a person who is so negative about something that is so important to you.

    just my .02.
  • I'm curious why you are still friends with this girl?

    Given that your fiance has done nothing to warrant this behavior from her, then I honestly don't understand why you'd put up with this. 

    I agree with Heels in that I'd go off on her, as well.
  • It sounds like this friendship has run it's course and it's time for you to say goodbye.
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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  • salt78salt78 member
    5000 Comments
    I used to have a "friend" like this. I cut her loose about a year ago. You should consider doing this too.
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  • Hell no.

    And ditto PPs - you're friends with this girl... why again?
  • maybe she realized that she was wrong about you two dating and now decide to be nice and supportive.

    however, i read somewhere the other day not to have your friends to photography (unless they're really pro and have experiences doing wedding photography or even doing it at your venue).

    considering her being so inconsistent throughout your relationship, i'd say stay away from it... just say you really appreciate her offer, but no thanks.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_unsupportive-friend-acting-differentlynot-sure-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d4a699a1-858b-4393-b205-a2ffe389edfaPost:93836b70-d8af-4851-9a30-7b84b1816d1e">Re: unsupportive friend acting differently...not sure what to make of it</a>:
    [QUOTE]however, i read somewhere the other day not to have your friends to photography (unless they're really pro and have experiences doing wedding photography or even doing it at your venue).
    Posted by jwang517[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, I'm going to ditto this on general principle.  We had a family friend take our pictures.  We waited over a year for unedited, pretty terrible pictures. 
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • SarawallsSarawalls member
    10 Comments
    edited May 2010
    I may be paranoid, but I wouldn't even consider letting her take the photos.  I would be frightened that I would get my prints back with devil horns and a tail photoshopped onto all of the pictures of my husband. 

    IMHO, if she didn't want to be there in the first place, don't bother having her there to work.  She won't, and she'll probably make comments the entire day-of and end up pissing you off and stressing you out.
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  • I would NOT let her do the photography or hire a professional as well. She reminds me of someone nursing a crush and doesn't want to hear about the "other" person.
  • Thank you a lot of the responses...it's a lot to chew on.  I'm not particularly comfortable with having my friend do the photography, I think that I will look to just politely decline.

    To those who asked why I'm still friends with her, that's a good question.  My parents have never really liked her (even before I started dating my fiance), and my mom and brother don't get why I still talk to her since they feel I've "outgrown" her.  I think it's just because we had been close friends for a long time, longer than any of my other friends save one, and she was there for me through a lot of life events, like when I lost my father, and vice versa.  I think it's also that I don't want to be "that girl" who cuts off her friends as soon as she gets hitched.  I think it's also easier dealing with her from a distance, since she is in another region of the country and so she can't be a d*** to my FI.  But all things considered, I don't think that long term, we'll be able to stay friends.

    I've pretty much chalked up her reaction to the fact that the dynamics of our friendship have changed.  She was always the person in the friendship who got the boyfriends and male attention (but never anyone for the long haul...she and her ex-fiance were only together six months before they split), and I was single for a number of years before I met my FI.  I could see making sure, as my two best friends did, that I dated my FI for the right reasons and wasn't jumping into anything too quickly since I haven't been in a lot of relationships.  However, they gave him a chance, as have my family, and they can tell that my FI and I are made for each other (for example, my mom has observed my FI and says my FI reminds her a lot of my father who absolutely adored my mom).  So everyone else close to me has been supportive.  This one friend never gave him a chance and has just been negative about it, and says she can't even be happy that I'm happy, and so I can't see the friendship lasting past the wedding, truthfully.
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments

    Don't let her near your wedding.  I had to end my friendship with the woman who had been one of my best friends in law school because I realized that she had turned toxic.  I miss who she used to be but I can't change her back either.

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  • nyreknyrek member
    1000 Comments
    You can choose her...but you may want to consider the theme song of your wedding to be Beastie Boys "Sabotage"

    Cut ties with this one..if you can't even talk to her about your relationship now...how do you plan to continue this when he's your husband? She's messed up.  
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  • Don't do it!! After reading your post I can promise you that this girl is NOT your friend. Don't trust her with anything, let alone your wedding day photography.
  • Agree with all PP's that this person should have nothing to do with your wedding photography. She is jealous and you need to unload this "friend". 

    It seems many brides lose a friend in the process. Sad but true. I did, and so did several other people I have known over the years.Sure, sometimes it has to do with some "bridezilla" behavior, or that other charming thing, finding a man and forgetting your friends. Still, I think "nasty jealous snit" has a lot to do with it. That is pretty obviously your situation.  
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    2500 Comments
    I don't think in this particular case if you end the friendship, you'd be "one of those women" ... I mean, if you're maintaining your other [healthy] friendships that are actually a positive part of your life, why feel bad about breaking up with somebody who sounds pretty toxic? It wouldn't be you getting rid of your friends because you got married, it would be you getting rid of one friend that you're much better off without.

    I wouldn't let her come within 100 yards of your wedding, even as a guest. She pretty much told you to break up with your FI based on several ridiculous reasons, including the color of his skin. I don't think it matters if she's since moved on to another insane reason to disapprove ... you don't need somebody like this in your life.

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