Lazy Groom?!?! Going INSANE.

EmmaElie

Morning

My Groom is really disappointing me! he is lazy and never wants to plan or discuss wedding (even when I ask, even on his days off, even on the weekend) he is not interested in sharing information, or having planning a guest list. He wants to leave it all to his mom!  he always says " I don't know, I'm going to leave this to my mom"
His mother is in another country and doesn't want to start planning until March

when he DOES help me plan he says things such as : let's para sail into the wedding,
 let's have a rainbow themed wedding
 or my favorite "Let's fly in the archdiocese of Haiti to marry us! he's my mom's cousin" 
Which is true, yes they are cousins, but it's nonsensical! he's the ARCHBISHOP he's not going to fly in to marry a couple.

I feel like he's not interested, backing off and I feel like clubbing him on the head. Any advice? In short, i'm the only one interested in my wedding and planning it. What should I do? It hurts my feelings.

It feels that no one is sharing my joy.

Night_Sprite

Express to him in a calm, adult conversation how you feel.  I feel like you don't prioritize me.  I feel like you don't want to be married, whatever.  These messages will be better received than attack messages.  If he doesn't start taking you seriously when you share your feelings, you have much larger issues than his lack of interest.

BecW2be

When is the wedding?

Steph0871

If you're asking him about the wedding when he's not working, when he's not busy, and when it's the weekend, he's probably just sick of it.

Make sure you make time to NOT talk about the wedding, too.  FI and I realized we needed non-wedding time pretty often, especially in the beginning of the planning.

Sit down and talk to him as adults.  Ask him what parts of the wedding he would be most interested in.  Then ask him if you can just plan the rest, or if he wants to have an input.  I cared way more about fonts and colors, etc.  So I did all of the programs, invites, paper stuff, then just asked FI what he thought.  If he didn't like something, we tried another style.  But he realized he was interested.  He did, however, choose most of the flowers, songs, food, and beer.

Steph0871

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lazy-groom-going-insane?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d60822f6-52dd-4c8e-8738-d81d68cede7bPost:b8e467f4-6aa4-455e-8495-7ec6176b9c6b">Re: Lazy Groom?!?! Going INSANE.</a>:
[QUOTE]When is the wedding?
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

<div>According to her bio, almost exactly a year out.  i.e. they have plenty of time to make decisions.  We realized a November wedding means vendors aren't usually booked right away. Hell, we just picked a DJ and officiant a month ago.</div>

JenGin74

I honestly don't think most (not all) men care about wedding details.

Ask him if there's any area that he'd be interested in helping to plan or has an opinion on. If he's not interested just let it go and do your own thing.

Try looking at it from a male perspective.

[Deleted User]

I wish my H had suggested those things. It's kind of funny. Maybe he's tired of being nagged about the wedding so he's tossing out random ideas to irritate you.

For our wedding, my H asked when he had to be there and what to wear. He just wasn't interested in planning. I wasn't even interested in planning (planning sucks, I don't blame guys for wanting no part of it). Some people don't care about weddings, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Talk to him calmly about how it hurts your feelings.

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lazy-groom-going-insane?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d60822f6-52dd-4c8e-8738-d81d68cede7bPost:1aba658c-cfb3-4df4-bb4b-78c0a358cf79">Re: Lazy Groom?!?! Going INSANE.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lazy Groom?!?! Going INSANE. : According to her bio, almost exactly a year out.  i.e. they have plenty of time to make decisions.  We realized a November wedding means vendors aren't usually booked right away. Hell, we just picked a DJ and officiant a month ago.
Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]

Ditto on plenty of time. We got married in November and I didn't start planning or booking anything until late May.

betrothed123

I agree with everyone else.  Ask him what aspects he cares about and let him handle those things.  That's what I did.  H took care of the music, and helped make decisions about the food.  I planned the rest of it on my own, with some help from my mom.

Also, if you're talking about wedding, wedding, wedding, all the time around him stop.  That would turn anyone off to wedding planning.

LesPaul

Sounds like your FI simply isn't going to get as interested in the details as you are.  My DH was similar - he liked the venue, but didn't really care about flowers, centerpieces, colors, etc.  We both met with the pastor as requested, and we both liked him and how the ceremony was planned.  I asked DH about food and cake, and he said to do whatever I wanted.  I asked were there any specific foods he wanted or didn't want, and we went from there. 

It's not that he didn't care, because he did.  It's just that he doesn't get excited about the things that excited me.  In the end, we were both very happy with how the ceremony and reception turned out, and I had to let go of wanting him to be involved in the details.  

Step back and make specific requests for things you want help with.  Your FI will probably be willing to help if he has more direct instructions.

Manwaithiel

Ummm, take your full name out of your profile.

MeaghanandMichael

It sounds like you are shutting him down a bit too. I mean, ofcourse his suggestions sound over the top, but why the hell not explore arriving to the reception on a boat or something? Why not call the archbishop? Let him handle it. If these are the kind of things he is interested in, why not encourage him to broaden those ideas and get involved. It may not be exactly what you want for your wedding, but it is his wedding too! Live and let live.

eastunder1

I hate it when no one shares my joy. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Your groom sounds like he's 12 years old.

NatesGirl16

Sorry that your FI isn't as interested as you want him to be.  I agree with PPs--you cannot be wedding-central 24 hours a day. 

Since things book super-fast here (we booked for 11/26/11 in May and our venue was completely booked by June for that weekend), FI and I tackled the big stuff early.  Everything else, we're doing little by little--there's no rush.

Also, we agreed to focus on WR things one night a week.  So, for instance, when we were first planning and had a lot of stuff to decide, we had Planning Thursdays.  On those nights we would make decisions, divide up planning tasks, call and make appointments, etc.  That meant the rest of the week could be spent however we wanted and wedding stuff wasn't looming over our heads. 

Finally, I agree with M&M about shutting your FI out.  My FI came up with some ridiculous ideas, but we discussed how we could re-imagine his ideas in a more wedding-appropriate way.  We also discussed what elements of the wedding party (not the actual marriage ceremony, but everything else) were most important to us and tried to give each other leeway in those areas. 

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_lazy-groom-going-insane?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d60822f6-52dd-4c8e-8738-d81d68cede7bPost:03752568-4f66-4777-b04d-a8c2ba28e1da">Re: Lazy Groom?!?! Going INSANE.</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>My FI came up with some ridiculous ideas, but we discussed how we could re-imagine his ideas in a more wedding-appropriate way. </strong> We also discussed what elements of the wedding party (not the actual marriage ceremony, but everything else) were most important to us and tried to give each other leeway in those areas. 
<p>Posted by NatesGirl16[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>Ditto Nates. My H also comes up with some crazy ideas, and wedding planning was no exception. Sometimes I would just go with it, and tell him to look into x thing (eg. velvet suits), knowing very well that he wouldn't and/or that even if he did look into it, he'd realise it wasn't exactly wedding appropriate (or, in the case of the suits, able to be sourced- thank god!). Thankfully, he never once suggested that his mother would do any of it on his behalf... personally, I'd be more concerned about that than anything else, if I were in your position. </p><p> </p><p>Also, as others have said, ask him what he would like to plan, if anything- for my H, things like the invitations and music were a big deal, but he was happy to go with whatever I wanted for decorations- so we worked in a collaborative way but each had our own 'tasks'. </p>