Snarky Brides

What should I do? Bring on the snark!!!

FI and I have a dilemma BUT, he's currently at an Army school and I can't talk to him until June so I need your advice!! I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

FI has a much smaller extended family than I do and there is a bit of family drama on his side. His dream wedding would only include our parents and maybe closest friends.

I have a much larger family (about 50 aunts, uncles, cousins etc). But I still don't want a huge wedding. We easily decided on a vineyard wedding but cannot come to decision on the size!

I will be the second to last one to get married in my extended family and so far everyone has been invited to everyone else's wedding. These are all people I grew up visiting several times a year and its hard to think about having a wedding without them. But I still really like the idea of having something intimate and strongly feel that I only want people at my wedding who really want to be there to celebrate our marriage.

My parents are paying for the whole thing and they are being very generous with their budget. In my own life, I've never been rolling in the dough and can be pretty frugal. I think of everything in terms of how many groceries it would buy! Therefore, it's hard for me wrap my head around spending so much on one day. I know it will only happen once, and it's important but I still would rather spend a lot less than my parent's are offering.

I explained my guilt to my mother and she came back with: "well, you know, whatever you don't spend, you and FI can have". Thanks, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Now I feel that if I have a much smaller, cheaper wedding then I'm being selfish for keeping the rest of the money.

I'm already the black-sheep of the family, and I don't want to disappoint my parents again by having the only intimate wedding in the family even though my mom 'said' it's fine with her (my dad couldn't care less, he'll just show up).

Other information: it is also important to me to have the ceremony and reception on the same day, with the same guests. FI's parents have never met my parents and his father and my family couldn't be more different so sticking our families together for a weekend makes me really nervous.

Sorry it's so long! Bring on the snark...I want honest opinions as to what you all think about my sitation. And ask any Q's if you need more info! TIA!




Re: What should I do? Bring on the snark!!!

  • Have your vineyard wedding and invite who you want.  I fail to see the problem here.

    If you feel guilty about your parents paying for it, then put the wedding on hold, save up, and pay for it yourself.

    Your mom seems really cool about all of it and it looks like she justs wants you to have the kind of wedding that you want too.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • I think both you and you FI should invite those people that you want to celebrate with.  Are you reluctant to invit eyour extended family bc your FI doesn't have as much family as you and you don't want it to be skewed? If this is the case this is ridiculous.  You can't help the size of someone else's family, and you shouldn't not include yours bc of it.

    As far as the money is concerned, it sounds like you are getting the same amount regardless of the budget.  So again, I would plan the wedding you want with the guests you want.  If you have money left over, and you really feel guilty about it you can always donate the money, or use it for a good cause.

    It sounds like you are worried about what other people will think about the budget and size of the wedding.  The only opinions that matter are yours and your FI's, and your parents since they are paying.

    IMO it sounds like you want your extended family to be there, so I would explain this to you FI and I'm sure he'll understand.
  • I really don't see the dilemma.  You need to decide what you want to do as a couple.  I can't help you decide on your guest list.  Right now it sounds like you want a small intimate wedding but to have all of your extended family there.  Those are two different things.  It's just a decision you have to make.

    Maybe have all the guests that you would like to be there, but then go for a more intimate feel to your ceremony and reception.  The vineyard idea might just be the perfect venue then.

    My advice would be, invite the people that you really want there with you.  Good luck!
  • I know we need to decide as a couple and we're both on the fence....ya'll are no help! :)

    When it comes down to it, I want something smaller about 30-40 people. However, I don't want to reget that my cousins weren't there. And I don't want it to come out later that my mom was upset by our decision (she seems very understanding, but I know what she would really want -she planned my sister's wedding).


  • I think you'd be fine either way. Since your parents are paying, have they expresesed that they would like for the cousins to be there? It didn't sound from your OP like they did, but before going super small, I'd make sure that they are okay with it.


    Also, is it a venue issue? Meaning that you can't invite the cousins if you have it at the vineyard.

    And lastly, why are you the black sheep? It has no bearing on my answer, but I'm nosy.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_should-bring-snark?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:e64e6d58-f8b0-4401-b6ae-74a8dd91559fPost:bdeace10-e9b8-49ff-8b27-1c06097da0f9">Re: What should I do? Bring on the snark!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know we need to decide as a couple and we're both on the fence....ya'll are no help! :) When it comes down to it, I want something smaller about 30-40 people. However, I don't want to reget that my cousins weren't there. <u><strong>And I don't want it to come out later that my mom was upset by our decision</strong></u> (she seems very understanding, but I know what she would really want -she planned my sister's wedding).
    Posted by misscarolb[/QUOTE]

    Its hard to balance doing what you want to do and not wanting to disappoint parents.  However, are you willing to risk losing the type of wedding <em>you</em> want just to satisfy your mom?  Plus, like you said, she planned your sisters wedding.  Maybe she got it out of her system.  Lol.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_should-bring-snark?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:e64e6d58-f8b0-4401-b6ae-74a8dd91559fPost:bdeace10-e9b8-49ff-8b27-1c06097da0f9">Re: What should I do? Bring on the snark!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know we need to decide as a couple and we're both on the fence....ya'll are no help! :) When it comes down to it, I want something smaller about 30-40 people. <u><strong>However, I don't want to reget that my cousins weren't there</strong></u>. And I don't want it to come out later that my mom was upset by our decision (she seems very understanding, but I know what she would really want -she planned my sister's wedding).
    Posted by misscarolb[/QUOTE]


    Then you need to invite your cousins.  If you want them there, and aren't bc you don't want more than 30-40 ppl, you will regret it.  Not including people you genui nely want there just to stick to a number doesn't make sense to me, unless you can't afford to have  more than that, which it sounds like you can. 
  • I would invite your cousins, aunts, etc. There is no reason you can't have an intimate wedding with them there. You can give it an intimate feel by using a lot of candlelight and by personalizing it. I think that if I didn't invite my extended family, I would really regret it.
  • Cew, where did you guys go? Just curious, I'm honeymoon hunting and looking for good recommendations :)
  • I know, no snark!!!

    cew, as for being the black sheep...I just am, it's been honed over years of rebelious acts. I guess wanting a different style wedding than my sister and 10 cousins is probably just expected by now.

    well...I'm glad we've gotten off topic, now I'll go back to worrying about what to do :) maybe venue visiting in June will help us decide (really, help me...we all know FI wants the smallest wedding possible)
  • Welcome back cew!  Congrats on being a married lady!  How did the kids do during the ceremony etc?

    I'm betting it's a sex tape.  OP, no need to hide, really...
  • FI has been out of town, let's hope it's not a sex tape!
  • misscarol, I think you gotta go with your gut. I know you're torn, and you might have regrets either way, but ultimately what do you want that day to be like? Who do you want to spend it with? Even if it's not exactly what your mom would want, it sounds like she's trying hard to be supportive, so I'd try not to stress too much about it. It might hurt her feelings some, but it seems like she wants you to have the wedding you want regardless. So figure out what that is and do it :)
  • CellesCelles member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    I'm with apaadzzzz on this one.  If you want to invite your cousins and have the means to invite your cousins, then by all means: invite your cousins.

    Doing something you already suspect you'll come regret -- and potentially hurting close family members in the process -- for no other reason than limiting your guest list to some arbitrarily chosen target strikes me as more than a little silly.  Tongue out

    On a side note, I'm sure you could find some way to create the illusion of intimacy -- even with a larger guest list -- in the way you lay out the reception space.  Long tables and dinner served family style, for example?
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_should-bring-snark?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e64e6d58-f8b0-4401-b6ae-74a8dd91559fPost:6e44e7bf-e5a5-4f71-baa1-907903ae2766">Re: What should I do? Bring on the snark!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would invite your cousins, aunts, etc. There is no reason you can't have an intimate wedding with them there. You can give it an intimate feel by using a lot of candlelight and by personalizing it. I think that if I didn't invite my extended family, I would really regret it.
    Posted by kkaimala[/QUOTE]
    I thinking you're confusing actual intimacy with ambiance
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_should-bring-snark?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:e64e6d58-f8b0-4401-b6ae-74a8dd91559fPost:35b42f9a-40fa-4e2d-8762-d2c0c505df87">Re: What should I do? Bring on the snark!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Cew, where did you guys go? Just curious, I'm honeymoon hunting and looking for good recommendations :)
    Posted by Becky&Chris[/QUOTE]

    We went to Mexico and stayed at Excellence Playa Mujeres. It was truly amazing. I definitely recommend it.
  • Oh cool, I'll have to check it out, I have friends that are honeymooning there in June too. Thanks for the info, glad you had a good time! 
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